Why I choose Celibacy?
I feel like an outcast as I walk into a crowded room filled with people from all different walks of life. I can feel the tears wanting to fall. I run to the bathroom and I look at myself in the mirror. I tell myself: “You’re so ugly! You’re not beautiful enough for anybody.” I put on a mask as I take out my concealer from my purse and cover up all the acne on my face. I take out my eyeliner and I put it on hoping it hides the pain in my eyes and brings out a glow instead. I just want to feel attractive and put on a glowing smile. I hope nobody notices the pain that I’m feeling. I just got dumped by the man I considered my future husband. I guess he was just potential.
The break-up I invested so much of my time into. It has caused me to become so insecure. I feel like I’m so incapable of love. My vulnerabilities in the moment are moving right a long side my fears. This negativity I keep feeding myself is clouding all my perceptions. I want that happily ever after, and I want it today. Why is everybody around me ten times happier than me? Here I am coveting what they have. I need to fill that empty void within myself. I’m so weak.
I walk back into the room. It’s elegant like a dining hall. My eyes search the room as I observe my comfort zone in it. I feel like I’m reading: “Where’s Waldo?” – only I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for what I need. I’m looking for comfort to fill this empty hole. There must be at least one hundred people here. Were all at the same black tie event. It’s a gala. We all look stunning.
There he is Mr. Dapper. I can’t help myself, but to freeze up, hesitate, and melt as he walks towards me. He’s the man everybody considers attractive. He’s quite popular. He’s quite charming.
“Why is even coming towards me?”
I ignore him because I’m timid. I ignore him because I’m shy. He’s chosen me out as a good girl. Somebody easily approachable.
He walks up to me: “Hi,” he says as he shows his beautiful white teeth well his face turns red as he blushes.
“Hi,” I reply as I begin to play with my earrings unconsciously. Next thing I know my hands are fixated on my hair as I brush my hands through them. I’m attracted to him like a magnet. I’m trying to doll myself up hoping that he sees me as the perfection I see him as.
It’s like we mirror this dance in the art of attraction. We get to talking and before I know it he got me wrapped up in the palm of his hands. I only want him and nobody else. He was a hunter and I was his prey.
I don’t even know him other than blissful attraction and that all the ladies want him, and I’m the one he chose to give his attention to.
I never stopped to ask myself:
“Does he have a girlfriend?”
“Is he married?”
“Who is he behind this facade?”
I’m so infatuated I don’t even care because whatever problems he has. I convince myself I will always be enough to fix him. This leads me into a lustful infatuating relationship where I enjoy so much intimacy with him.
Eventually, he craves something more. I feel like I’m being used but because I already gave up my body to him. I feel like he’s cheating on me. I never even made sure there was a commitment before committing my heart to his desires.
The destructive pattern. The hurtful cycle. Why do I constantly repeat it?
Before I know it. I’m dumped again.
“Am I ugly?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“I gave him everything.”
“What does she have that I don’t?”
All these things I keep telling myself. I just need to feel validated. The wars I go through in my mind as I look for ways to compete with the other women to keep his heart and eyes fixated on me. I’m not being honest with myself. I’m trying to lie to myself I’m in love with him and he’s in love with me.
Is this a cycle that you keep repeating in your love life?
We say we want love. The truth is in order to find love the first person we have to fall in love with is ourselves. Self Love. We skip the whole self reflection process of valueing ourselves for who we truly are in all of our authenticity. Due to it we attract lovers who see us the way we see ourselves. We can’t change somebody else. We can only be the person they want to change for.
I eventually had to ask myself: “What was I doing chasing all these shallow definitions of love speaking so much negativity into existence?”
I was setting myself up for failure, for heartbreak. I was feeding my ego. I wasn’t feeding my soul. I had to learn to value myself enough to look at a man with all the status in the world and know I was worth more than being second best to him because a man who really loves you is going to do whatever it takes to keep you.
That’s when I discovered how valuable celibacy is. Too often we jump into dating based on those feelings of butterflies we get when were attracted to somebody. We forget to check if they’re good for us and who we are. We don’t even talk about what life is going be like when we finally combine our lives together. We just think we’ll deal with it when it comes. It eventually comes and when it comes ; were often disappointed because it often goes opposite of what we had in mind.
I think celibacy is so useful because it doesn’t cloud someone’s character for you as you’re getting to know them. It shows the preview of what marriage would look like with them. Can it be done? Of course it can. It’s all about the love you’re looking for and how much work you’re willing to put into yourself to attract the same lover that you are to yourself. Celibacy is a commitment to oneself. There is a lover out there who will respect you for exactly who you are and all your beliefs but if you don’t put in the actions behind those beliefs. You will end up with the same lovers selling the fantasy you are instead of the reality of who you are.
I believe everyone deserves respect and a healthy ending especially in love. What are you willing to change today in yourself to find that love and stop those destructive patterns in your life? Some people do indeed choose to be celibate.