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Finding A Man

I seem to break a lot of hearts. People tend to judge books by covers they haven’t even read.
 When dating a new man. I often see that were mismatched early on. I have a list of reasons for them for why were not good together. There is never any drama involved. I don’t believe in giving men false hope or fake promises. I believe in carrying around the standards of a wife even if I’m not yet a wife. The thing is when you learn to dodge men you know you’ll never see in your future. A lot of times they will try to show you what you lost with the next woman in hopes that will still fight for them. Two years later – they often apologize and realize you were just a woman of standards.
It’s hard to find love when your problems aren’t the problems of most women. You understand that a lot of marriages happened because two people got together because they needed to share bills. Once you understand that you don’t rush into it. A lot of people bluff. A lot of people will tell you how happy they are together, and a lot of people will hate you because you can’t stand the false persona of fake relationships. People who pretend to be happy, but are actually unhappy and wish they would leave their relationships / marriages. It’s offensive when you begin to learn how many married folks lie, and you wish they would give honest advice instead of leading you to their misery.
 My friend told me: “Irene, you had a longer relationship than most peoples marriages. You are qualified to give advice.”
 I don’t think I’m any sort of professional or qualified. I think I am just someone who can empathize with others easily. The only thing actually different between me and married folks is the piece of paper. I was smart about it. I didn’t set myself up to be stuck. There are many people who wonder if I’ll ever fall in love, why I avoid it, and everything else.
 I don’t even have a type of man I’m attracted to. I’ve met so many men from all different races. If it weren’t for the fact that I  have a past with baggage ; I do think that a lot of men I meet deserve a good woman. I’m far from bitter. It’s just that I feel my respect is towards my family. I know that I have to live a lifestyle where I am a role-model. I choose love based on what’s best for my family unit in general, and sometimes that means not making love a priority.
 It has nothing to do with “THE LIST” of most women.
It has to do with:
“Is he compatible with the life I’m already happy in?”
 “Is he gonna try to change me?”
 “Am I willing to meet him half way?”
 “Will he be a good role-model for my children?”
 It’s more like making sure a man balances with who I already am. I meet great men, but the balance with my original life I have before them isn’t there. I love everybody in general. My personality is literally compatible with everyone.

I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!

People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.

 

Canadian Girl: Life Strengthens

 

Elementary

This morning I arose.

An early morning.

I got up and I froze.

What have they overheard?

Mommy calls me for pancakes.

Daddy calls me for cornflakes.

The sky still dark outside.

Cartoons are playing on cable.

I got nowhere to hide.

Breakfast is set on the table.

Tears in my eyes.

Hear my sad cries.

Insecurities got the best part of me.

The children break every rule.

Curiosities got me in misery.

I have no friends at my school.

The sun comes out.

I lose my doubt.

The school bus is about to come.

I will get bullied today.

A loner – I just want to run.

My memories of yesterday.

Middle School

I stand taciturnly on my fathers front porch.

The caliginous that began to take control of my soul.

It’s another day to sit through more church.

The pastor that could take this broken girl and make her be whole.

The seniors home the choir would sing at.

The church ladies and all their fancy hats.

Head coverings that glow like beauty.

New places. New communities.

Prayer meetings and the elders duty.

New school for me. New surroundings.

High-School

My first baptism and my first communion.

My first boyfriend at Family Reunion.

My first heartache. My first breakup.

Comfort food ; cake. My first make-up.

I turned on a love song.

I put that lipstick on.

Just another nice Canadian girl.

Beautiful, elegant, like a pearl.

A diamond to be cherished.

Flaws covered and were blemished.

Books were special like my best friend.

They were the wisdom at the end.

How did I tumble down from grace?

I was just looking for my place.

I look back on my many mistakes.

I sent my parents through heartaches.

How did I turn it around?

A world of silence – no sound.

Claire once knitted me a sweater.

I thought I knew so much better.

Teen years like cold winters are some of the hardest.

Everybody wants to date the hot lead guitarist.

A popularity contest.

Hoping everybody’s impressed.

Young Adult

I grew up and I wanted to soar.

I packed my stuff and out the front door.

I said goodbye on the telephone.

I found a new place to call my home.

I wanted to be a dancer.

Church was no longer my answer.

I waved goodbye to the life I knew.

I watched as the resentment grew.

Who had I become?

Things I must succumb.

I knew I should go to college.

Guidance I failed to acknowledge.

I became my own worst enemy.

The darkness as it overwhelmed me.

I searched for healing ; therapy.

I searched for meaning ; clarity.

Adult

I found maturity in broken places.

As I looked at the pain in others faces.

I saw tears like rain in their meaningful eyes.

I looked up at the sunset into the skies.

I discovered the word empathy.

A country of much diversity.

The world has really changed.

It has been rearranged.

Tradition is no longer the normal.

Job interviews are still very formal.

Beautiful scenery for adventures.

Unconditional love for transgenders.

No more democracy.

A place for equality.

I picture the strength of a mother.

I picture a sister who lost a brother.

I live in a land of beauty.

Helping hands who see.

Broken people… I went on a search.

Broken people…I took myself to church.

I saw a pastor there.

Dapper, tall, fine hair.

I wanted to cry on his shoulder.

It was time to start my life over.

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