You fell in love with a man or you married a man who is acting distant from you, and you’ve tried everything, and he still doesn’t want to communicate with you? If it’s so bad and you’re in a rough patch and you know you messed up. You should probably write your man a letter explaining how he’s your rock, and how you failed to appreciate him when he needed you to be his. A lot of relationships fall a part because you’re putting expectations on him, but you’re forgetting how much he did for you to begin with, and that now it’s your turn to be his rock. A lot of you think love stays how it is in the honemoon phase when actually if you all were lying and acting to get eachother to the bedroom in the beginning. It changes.
Love is work. Love is effort. Love is appreciation. Love is not “I” and love is not “You.” Love is “We” as in “we need eachother.” Until you understand that, you might be a good flirt, you might be somebody easy to sleep with, but you haven’t quite mastered what it means to be marriage material. Men have huge egos and as women we have to understand how to feed them. I know when a woman and a man are in a fight. Often the man feels like he’s been emasculated. If you emasculate a man. He’s going to be upset. He’s going to be resentful towards you. That is one part of a man you should never destroy. Relationships go downhill when you do, and it doesn’t matter the man.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside. In the end it’s how beautiful you’re on the inside. The money you spend on your nails. The money you spend on your hair. That’s all money your man is trying to invest into paying on the house that you’re failing to appreciate. A mans natural duty is a protector and a provider. You can focus on making yourself look good for him, and putting on make-up for hours. In the end most men prefer to see their woman naturally. Statistically proven men marry the woman that they are with when they’re socially ready to get married ; not because it’s the woman they’re in love with. The main reason a man gets married is companionship / friendship. The divorce rate is at 50% for first time marriages, and goes up every marriage after. You chose marriage and you chose a committed relationship. Now you gotta study your partner until you have a degree on them.
One way to turn a man or a woman on is through scents. I believe Vanilla and Lavender are the top scents to use according to experts. I for one am a straight user of Lavender when it comes to male seduction. I will light Lavender candles, wear lavender lotion, but I will never tell the man that’s what I’m doing. In the end sex is part of bonding. A man who feels wanted ends up bonding with you. I also love oils, and I love massages. You can study tantra. The best type of romance is when you’re both down with that. Aromas can set the mood when you feel like you’re drifting a part from your partner like a magic potion. The problem is you might be so hurt, and your man or your husband might not understand why you’re so turned off by him at this moment.
If you choose to leave because you feel that there is better out there for you. You need to grow from your mistakes. Love will find you when it finds you. Sometimes love has always been in front of you but because it was respectful love you saw it as rejection and passed it up for attention. Learn to understand the power of patience and Gods love. Don’t ever be in a rush to fight for something god showed you isn’t for you just because others praise you. There is no need for a fake applause on your life. You got one life to get love right and hopefully your desire is to get your marriage right. Somewhere in the world is a man GOD is growing into your perfect king. When you understand the power of GOD. You understand the duty of growth. Only when GOD says it’s time is it ever time. The rest is settling for mediocrity. Beautiful love is worth waiting for especially when you know how beautiful a person you’re in your heart. Don’t let somebody break you when you’ve healed yourself to be whole!
I’m tired of explaining to people why I’m single. I’m single because I had a poor taste in men. I chose men I thought I could fix rather than men who were right for me. I wasn’t confident in myself yet. I was selfish and I didn’t know how to forgive. I thought about myself and not about the fact that it was my decision to date broken men. I dated men who broke me down with them. I take full responsibility for my choices. It takes two to tango.
I am single because I continued on in those destructive patterns until I turned my life back to God. I am no longer in a place of hurt, resentment, or frustration towards the past I can’t change.
I’m more in a place of forgiveness and compassion because I understand how much God has intervened in my life, and how much people in my past still need him to intervene in theirs. I feel that I often wanted to live Godly with Ungodly men, and it never worked out. In the end I would compromise myself, and they would not understand me. We’d clash until we’d break up. It took forgiving myself for my choices to forgive those who hurt me in them. In the end – I made those choices.
I made a choice to love men I knew weren’t ready for love. I made the choice to set a bad example of what love is to those who look up to me and follow me. I failed so many people with my choices in my past. I still rather get up from my falls in life humbly.
I also failed myself.
Today, I’m single because I learned what LOVE is, and I don’t covet anybody else’s definition of love. I understand that we all have our own authentic story to find, to hold, and to blossom. It’s up to GOD who I end up with.
I’m single because I have other priorities and the best form of healing is not looking for love but looking for yourself and who you’re in GOD. I truly believe that when were obedient to GOD first. He comes to bless us with his promises we never saw coming. Looking for love can sometimes just be lust. However, when you do the right things to be loyal to yourself well you’re single – you eventually attract into your life exactly what you are.
We often settle in love because we won’t change ourselves. I learned that and I changed that in myself. If you attract the wrong type of love to you – there is something in you that’s attracting it. I learned that LOVE isn’t the end goal.
We often fall in love with the idea of a person or the idea of love. We forget to fall in love with the person as a whole. We forget to comprehend love as a whole.
Love is an ingredient that GOD decides to give us when he decides were ready for it. Before GOD gives us a YES… we need to learn to accept his NO.
I would rather be with a husband I can allow to feel special than be with a husband who wonders constantly if I’m still in love with my ex. Once I realized that – it became so important to me to learn how to self-love. You can’t give in love love that you haven’t already given to yourself. Broken people break each-other into destructive love patterns.
I’m single because I believe that marriage is truly sacred, and I don’t want to experiment with it for a piece of paper that means nothing except for in Facebook pictures to look like a power couple. I want love that’s real and true.
Patience is a virtue. Blessings come to those who wait!
There are many good people that I might find myself attracted to. Just because somebody appears good doesn’t mean they’re good for me. We can make all the lists in the world on what a good man or a good woman is. In the end it has to fit with who we are and the goals we have in our future.
In the end our mind and heart will still go to war and one of them will always win out. I hope that I end up married to a man my father taught me to look for because the values that are instilled into us are the ones we should carry because our parents always want what’s best for us.
I was a little girl in the fifth grade growing up trying to find myself. My hair was brunette, and always cut into some hideous mush-room cut. I looked like a little boy. It was so uneven. It was humiliating. I embraced it. My mom wasn’t exactly a hair-stylist, but she gave me home-made hair-cuts. It was all we could afford. I appreciated it.
I never liked dolls. I hated barbies. I liked playing sports in my backyard. I liked playing with toy cars and making them race each-other. I liked playing with marbles. I was a tom-boy. I was so ridiculously weird. This has made my life a little complicated.
You wouldn’t know all that looking at me today. I learned how to become a classy looking lady who embraces make-up, high-heels, and beautiful dresses. I come across women who hate me and judge me for my outside without knowing my inside. I come across men who feel rejected by me and tear me to pieces because I can be so choosy.
It often makes me wonder why people take rejection so harshly when rejection is all I’ve ever known. It’s like I’m a mean person because I don’t want to live in places of hurt I’ve already been. It’s like I’m a mean person because I have empathy and in the end I know I still have to stay loyal to my dreams. It’s like I can never win.
It often brings me right back to that little girl. The little girl who dreamed of the day I’d have friends. The little girl who had none. I remember waking up every day knowing that I was going to school to another day of being bullied. I rarely ever stood up to my bullies. I always took it. I always showed compassion. I always showed forgiveness.
I remember the days I’d go home crying, burying my tears into my pillow cases. I’d open up journals and I’d start writing. I’d wrip up the pages and throw them out. I’d hide out in my books and I’d read. I felt like the characters in the books became my friends. I fell in love with the fantasy world that so many authors created for little girls being bullied like me. There are so many authors who don’t even realize how much of a gift they are for those of us who had to endure bullying.
I read and I read and through my reading I learned about people. I had a dream. I had a vision. I dreamed that one day I’d find my place in the world. I never had nice clothes. I always wore hand-me-downs from my older sister or clothes my mother purchased at a thrift shop. She never had the best taste in fashion. She still instilled into me the attitude of gratitude and what it means to be grateful for what you have. I never got to have the nicest gadgets all the other students in my class always had. There were days I was envious. There were days I was jealous.
I’d always run home: “Mommy, can I have this?”
and she’d always reply: “No, we can’t afford it.”
I was pretty much a loner. The ugly kid in the class. I look back remembering how I was made to feel, and every day of my life that little girl has never left me.
I still remember us setting goals and on those goal sheets the assistant teacher made us write. I remember the assistant teacher got to me and I wrote down: “I want to be an author.” She looked at me and how lonely I felt in the world. She took her red pen and she wrote: “I hope one day I see your name on a book.”
I’ve carried this dream with me throughout my life even when most of the time I think I fail at it. It’s the only thing that ever stays with me. Friends come and friends go. Boyfriends pretend to love me, and boyfriends leave me. I cry sometimes thinking: The world is so unfair.
It’s in those tears I learned to pour my heart out. I never saw myself as a writer. I saw myself as someone with a hobby. It was my way of not dealing with the world. As a little girl. I learned the world could be quite cruel.
I grew up. I got a makeover. I made friends. The friends I made were not genuine. When I got hurt in my teenage years. I wasn’t hurt for being bullied. I was hurt because I was being used. I was a vulnerable spirit living in a world I wasn’t prepared for thinking that once I was noticed the world would be kind to me. The world actually made me feel more empty.
Disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. Betrayal after betrayal. Break up after break up. It went on into my young adulthood. I started feeling sorry for myself wondering what I was doing so wrong? I started attracting pain and pain started attracting me. It was my normal.
I found rock bottom. If you’ve been there you know the desperate state you’re in. I just knew in my heart there was a better way of life. I looked for it and never found it. I found a bunch of friends. I wasn’t fulfilled. It’s like I always felt like a part of me was missing. I always felt like I was compromising who I was. I started hearing everybody around me telling me how I was never good enough to be them. It was like I was trapped in a box of other peoples dreams instead of my own. I started to believe the lies. I started to think I need to change myself so they will like me. I realized the harder you try at anything. The more people who will come to break you down. I kept getting broken down. The destructive patterns just wouldn’t stop.
I thought I was able to do it by myself and I had to learn that throughout life we all need teachers. We all need people who will mentor us and show us the ropes. I often thought about the American Dream and running away to Hollywood. I think we all have those dreams sometimes. Hollywood is just the screen. Everything that we become starts with who we already are. It just becomes magnified once we start living in our purpose.
I had to accept that I wasn’t perfect, and that I had fallen down. I fell down into the mentality of playing the victim card. Playing that card always attracts the wrong people. The people who prey on our vulnerabilities. I had to remind myself that the past is not the future. I had to continue on in the girl I already was and embrace her. There are so many things in life that are put there to destroy us, to put fear in us, and we need to know who we are so that who we are is always enough.
Now I know what it means to be a dreamer. It means to live up to people who already been there and allow them to teach you how to grow. It was the day I understood that – I had a different attitude towards everything. The hard part about this different attitude is you look back and you see the people who treat you like you’re a competition, and it’s not a competition. There is a path and a lane for everyone. Sometimes you look back with empathy and other times you move forwards with dignity. I learned you can’t please everyone. People will hate you if you put yourself first. People will hate you if you put yourself last.
That’s never the end goal. The end goal is to fight so hard for your dreams that you’re in a place to give back. You can’t give what you don’t have. I think so many times we try so hard for the image. We forget to create the lifestyle.
”Reflections,” by Christina Aguilera is on top volume blaring through my headphones. I know I’m always listening to old classics every time I sit down to write. It helps me connect with my inner-self, my emotions, and the deepest part of my soul. It’s a song about change. It’s a song about wanting to see a transformation from the us we hideto the us we long to share with the world.
I guess that’s the time of year were at right now as we all walk around saying: “Happy New Year.” It feels like the only appropriate way to greet somebody during this week. We see it like some kind of accomplishment that the years have switched over and were still here.
Many of us have finished several holiday parties. Many of us have finished having several family gatherings. We all got to see people we probably ignore for the rest of the year for whatever reason. We really shouldn’t do that. When you look at peoples regrets in their latter years ; one of their biggest regrets is not spending enough time with their loved ones. I understand life gets in the way. I understand different personality types aren’t always easy. I understand life gets busy. I still believe even the hardest person to love needs love. People do better when they feel loved.
A wise friend of mine once told me: “Irene, all that matters at the end of the day is the people in your life you care about know you cared about them.” It’s true. I think it’s so important to value the people you cherish. I actually saw my sister over the holidays, and she surprised me with a wonderful gift. That gift meant everything to me. I’m very gracious for it.
Many of us have opened gifts over the holidays. Many of us have prayed over Christmas dinners. The celebration time is over. The self-reflection time has begun.
Everybody has been making new year’s resolutions.
“I want to be more successful.”
“I need a better car.”
“I want to lose those 20 lbs.”
“I want to go to the gym more.”
We tell ourselves exactly how were going to achieve our new goal. We toss our old goals out the window. We tell ourselves to leave the past where it belongs. We try to create the impossible out of the future. We start the year out chasing the future only to finish it off dwelling back in the past.
We forget to just enjoy the moment. We forget to meditate in the present and find clarity in the bigger picture.
What’s the bigger picture?
The bigger picture is the dream we constantly tell ourselves we will make happen one day. We put that dream off and push it twenty years into the future. Time doesn’t stop for us and we for some reason stop for time.
We ignore the small steps we need to take to reach it. We walk towards the big steps that lead us right into somebody else’s dream. We complain. We distract ourselves so much inside our comfort zone. We forget to climb out of it and start somewhere.
Why do we do that?
We do it because we allow fear in, doubt in, and insecurity in. We believe in what’s already been done. We lose confidence in ourselves.
I challenge you to three things in this new year.
#1. Listen to your inner-voice
Your inner-voice is telling you exactly what you want to do. The people around you are telling you you can’t do it. You’ve probably had these new year’s resolutions for three years now and you keep putting them off because you’re chasing the dreams of the people around you instead of the dreams of your inner-voice.
#2. Don’t make a new’s years resolution
New year’s resolutions were made to be broken. Go back to your dream that has been following you around for three years now. You think about it so much because you want to do it. You want to do it so bad. It will always be there until you do it.
Go back and finish what you started before you start something new. To know you accomplished something that you’ve been dwelling on doing for three years will make you feel more fulfilled than a new years resolution you know you’re going to fail at.
#3. Pick a healthy habit and do it every day.
Success starts from inside and then it shines through on the outside. The way we treat our bodies matters. The way we treat our minds matters. It all creates the energies / auras we carry around that everybody else around us receives.
It doesn’t have to be something big. It could be something so simple. If you like taking walks – take a walk. If you like listening to music – listen to music. Choose every day to do it for fifteen minutes to influence yourself in a positive light.
Free your soul. Free your mind. Allow yourself to be at ease with you. Once you are you can truly go into the new year focused, and putting all of your energy into what you really want. I want to see us all start this year motivated and leave it fulfilled. Stop escaping in distractions. Start escaping into your dreams. Were all in a transformation process and the attitude we have during it is going to produce the results at the end of it.
You must have plans to become successful. You must have plans to become great. I know the world’s probably been unfair to you. You spent so many days lonely saving the world. You spent so many nights crying feeling under-appreciated. You try so hard to dedicate your life to something – humanity work, a cause, family, a career. The only thing you ever seem to meet is: failure. You desire so much to have something to fall back on when the world feels against you. You want somebody to just love you for you. You want to feel accepted instead of rejected. The more you give your heart; the more you realize how rare and unique your heart really is.
You feel so misunderstood. You sat at home flicking through the channels on television – didn’t you? You couldn’t find anything to cheer you up. All you found were reminders of the person you’ll never become. Depression took over your life. Tears after tears; nobody sees you. Heartbreak after heartbreak; nobody hears you. You’d rather be isolated than an attention seeker. You’d rather be dedicated than a user. You’re dealing with your blues. You’re too compassionate. You’re too different. You felt you did everything in this life right. What do you keep meeting? Rock Bottom. Everything nobody prepared you for. The good news is this is the story of all successful people destined for something. You should take those tears and stop comparing yourself.
You try to go church; they say pray. God will guide you. God ain’t even guiding them. You go to the world; they say move forwards – leave the negativity behind. Patterns of hurt cycles all around you. The mystery of life has now become your puzzle of confusion. The new philosophy you’re searching for.
You wish you could be a dancer, an athlete, the next wrestler, some type of a champion. Dreams you once had. Dreams faded now to dust. All the successful people you saw as friends; they now treat you as an enemy. Competition. You’re alone in the world. You’re empty. You regroup. Nobody chases after you. You don’t want anybody else’s place. You just want to keep your dignity. The world points out your flaws never noticing theirs. They’re perfect. What are you? Another broken person.
Vulnerabilities. Insecurities. They use them against you. You let it get to you. Their lies suddenly become your truths. Who are you? Maybe they’re right – aren’t they? You thought they were helping you. You found out they were using you. You wonder how disingenuous people get all the praise but your good golden heart always gets taken for granted. You see them winning – well you feel you’re losing. How did you get here? Remember that you’re a fighter, and a conqueror.
Every time we walk outside people judge us and we judge them. Unintentionally. It’s human habit. We always see our own perspectives. We never see the next persons perspective. It’s why lovers always fall a part. Same hearts. Different love languages. It’s why enemies always end up together. The materialistic world sells. The superficial world is what everybody wants. The reality is we all have imperfections and none of us like to see them in ourselves. It’s why people always fall for the ego feed instead of the reality. Fantasy always feels so much better. We never look in the mirror. We always look at others. It’s easier. We compare. We fail to look at the depth of the things that are in front of us. We fail to look at how we reciprocate our energy and conduct ourselves in character. We often look out one window. We look at the window with the beautiful garden. We forget that even houses have several windows. We all see the world differently. We all came from a different place. We need to carry ourselves with empathy.
First Impressions. They speak volumes. We often wish we could trade places with somebody else. Some go as far as double lives. Even triple lives. It’s hard to know who is genuine when you keep your dignity in a world that often feels like it needs a hero. We see the nice houses, the fancy cars, the success stories of those that surround us. It looks like the whole nine yards and a nice picket fence. We envy it. We never look deeper. If we did – we’d realize it’s all air brushed. Photo-shopped. Facades. Some grass only looks greener. The only person we need to grow in is ourselves. We need to become the example of what we think a decent person is. The right people will follow.
Why do we compare ourselves to others so much? We can’t fix the world. We can only fix ourselves. Why do we judge people before we even know them? My question to you is: what is your definition of success? The truth is success doesn’t happen when we cheat our way to it. It happens when we survive all the storms that life sends our way and we grow from each failure. Everybody ends up getting karma in the end depending on the choices they pursue in the moment.
For some people success is fame. For others it’s money. For others it’s keeping a relationship. The list goes on. There are so many people who turn their life into everything one could desire. They lose everything they really need in the process. What will your legacy be at the end of your life? Will it be one you’re proud of? Will you love the person that you were in this life? If you saw your funeral today – who would you be in it? Successful people stop caring what others think about them. They care what those closest to them think of them and they build from there. They don’t go looking for it. It finds them in the end because of who they are. Fall in love with your passion, and never stop falling in love with it. Love it so much that you embrace it with everything that you are and people become better because they know you. That’s the only way to success. In the end your story will be something others relate to once you become the person you never thought you could be. You’ve been that person all a long. You were just focusing your energy in all the wrong places.