Can you feel a shift in the atmosphere? Throughout my life the ones who paid attention to me are the people I would have never believed would even notice my existence. It’s all those people who don’t know me but paid attention when the rest walked out that taught me: “GOD IS WITH YOU IN EVERY STEP!” Sometimes in life you’re going to get used to being the outcast, the underdog, the one you think nobody cares about, but it’s all to shift you into your purpose.
I believe that when you look into my life you see chapters. Not all the chapters are solid, but you also see growth. I hate failing, and I always feel I need to rise up from the haters, rise up from the nay-sayers. I want everyone I started with to believe in a brighter tomorrow and that is my push-factor. How can they believe that tomorrow is brighter if all I see is darkness? I learned a long time a go to run to GOD, and not to people. Every time a storm comes. Every time I want to give into the hate and run back to the past. I feel a shift in the atmosphere, and I feel GOD keeping me. People often ask me: “Why do you believe in GOD?” They often tell me how he’s not real.
I often wish I could give them some fake answer like most pastors have given me over the years because their egos got involved or they like the aspect of control that leadership has or some other negative thing. They often see themselves as GOD instead of GOD as GOD. The reality is: I have no answer.
It’s just in my heart. It’s just in my faith. I don’t believe that it’s easy to believe in GOD until something happens in your life where all you have is GOD to fall back on. I guess for me that just started early on. The way God has carried me through. I just can’t not believe in him. Every single day of my life people love to remind me of who I was, instead of get to know for who I am. That hurts. It shows they aren’t friends for the right reasons ; nor do they have the right intentions with me.
I’m happy to build myself up against all odds, and all those people who loved seeing me fail. I love building myself up even though they believe I should still be there back in my past and they’re constantly wondering what I have different than them. I can only respond to them and tell them: “I still LOVE YOU, the way you didn’t love me, when I needed you to love me.”
Sometimes you just got to let go of the negative energy, and surround yourself by positive energy. I unfortunately have both. I have people who try to uplift me, and people who I feel need me. I also have people who try to tear me down, people who try to break me. I got strong folks. I got weak folks. I got Godly friends. I got atheist friends. I got superficial GODLY friends. I got friends who rather just live comfortably. I got friends who hurt me. I got friends who heal me. I got friends who hate me. I got friends who love me. You get my drift?
I learned to embrace everybody because were all the same on the inside. Were all just writing a different page of our story. I’ve made my own mistakes too….so who am I to decide what type of person somebody else is? We all mess up sometimes. I dislike that in Christians. Christians who forget that JESUS is about love, forgiveness, and compassion. The devil is about the rest. I think we all need a little more GOD, I think we could all learn to love a little harder. I’m not better than anybody. I have a lot of regrets too. We all do if were honest with ourselves. I just love everybody period. It’s the only way to live right.
Give GOD the glory in all things.
I love the song “Forgiven Me,” by Mary Mary and “I look to you,” by Whitney Houston. Some of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard because of how humble the lyrics are. Gospel music gets me through all the hard days. I always find myself on a journey with my faith and in my life. Life has ups and downs. Life isn’t always perfect. Life doesn’t always go the way I want it to. I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I’ve had my spirit crushed. I’ve lost my way. I’ve found myself in paths I didn’t want to be on. I’ve met dark tunnels I didn’t know how to get out of.
I’ve experienced a lot of church hurt in my life. I completely understand why people hate God, hate church, and hate Christianity. I know how easy it is to fall down from grace. I’ve been there. I even have trouble dating sometimes simply because my life hasn’t always been christian choices and yet I try to stick to a Christian path. I’m constantly put down. I’m constantly compared. I’m constantly facing critics. I’m constantly dealing with demons and people who prey on my vulnerabilities. It’s so easy to want to give up my faith some days. There are nights I literally cry myself to sleep because I’m not good enough. I’ve been on my own walk like everyone else. I’m only human like everyone else.
People always think they can look at your outside and judge your relationship with GOD. I never look at anybody’s past to define them or who they’re in GOD. I look at their present, their growth process, and the testimony that they’ve built up. I believe that God loves the humble and that we all experience heartache that can cause us to crumble.
I’ve learned to avoid people who claim to be perfect. I find they come across self righteous. When I meet them in church. I wonder if their intentions are even in the right place. I think intentions matter more than anything.
People always ask me: “Why are you Christian?” or “How do you know that God is real?” I was just born into the church and it’s all I ever knew. I grew up and searched for happiness in all the wrong places and in the end I always found myself empty without God in my life. There are times I’ve strayed far from GOD, but when all I found was darkness. I always knew that God was there. I’m CHRISTIAN because I have faith in a creator who wants what’s best for me and calls me to a purpose and every day I see how he’s transformed me and I hope I can inspire others so he can transform them the same.
I know God is real because of all the miracles I’ve seen him do. My mother was pregnant with my baby sister and the doctor told her if she doesn’t abort my sister her and my sister won’t make it. My mom told the doctor “if this the way I’m meant to die, then let this be the way I die.” She lost so much weight during pregnancy. She ended up being put in a isolation room. She was extremely sick. God brought her through it. My sister is a grown woman today and she empowers so many people. I look at her and I can’t imagine life without her. She’s my inspiration. I always remember the way the story would of went if my mom hadn’t fought for her. I now look at my sister and I know that God was part of all of our lives.
I date and my love life fails many times, but I know it’s because deep down I long to be equally yoked with a Godly man. I hate that feeling when you love somebody who can’t respect your loyalty. I hate that feeling when you’re giving 100 to people who are giving you zero. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. In the end I grew stronger for it. It was the heartache that helped me turn my life back to GOD. The bible says that the sacrifices of god are a contrite heart and a broken spirit.
I know that God is where real love is. We can’t fix anybody – only God can do the fixing. I could care less what somebody did in their past because I know I’ve lived a life far from perfect in the eyes of the God who created me. I may not smoke. I may not do drugs. I still have emotions and they often get the best of me.
I watch people fall due to bad experiences not because they’re bad people. I’ve watched people become leaders who didn’t belong there. I read my bible constantly because it helps me get through every dark day. I don’t care who someone can polish themselves up to be. I care who they are when God tells them to stand alone even if nobody would follow them to do what’s right. If somebody isn’t that courageous in GOD – I don’t care how praised they are. I care what’s in their character. I seen too many rugged roads to ever praise false success.
Being a girl with my past and my life. I’ve witnessed more double lives than one could count. I’ve often had those double lives placed on me by people who wanted to save themselves or spare their own images. I’ve dealt with eveything there is to deal with and I know how many times I could have the polished image if I didn’t know God in my life.
It’s easier to lie to save your reputation than it is to be honest enough to save your peace. I’d rather spare my character with GOD because in the end one God is bigger than anything. In the end God raises us up from who we are in private not who we are in our public persona.
Now sometimes I meet good guys and I’m so guarded I push them away. I push them away because of how many lukewarm Christians I’ve come across. The world is changing to the point where pastors are no longer doing it for a calling but for a career. I learnt the hard way that just because somebody appears Godly. It doesn’t mean that they are. I also found more people outside of church with a fire for God than inside of it. I learned to listen to peoples stories instead of read their covers.
I believe in God because even in the midst of chaos God is still there. I believe when you truly make God the center of your life. You learn to put standards on every part of your life no matter who hurt you. When you heal the hurt in the wrong ways. You find hurt cycles. When you heal the hurt in the right ways. You find yourself. The day you find yourself God finds you and keeps his promises to you.
He looks at who you are inside your heart when everybody else looks at all the things dumped on you that nobody realizes how strong you were to take the fall through it all to see your enemies shine. I know that God sees through all of it.
In the end I know that on the other side of the Tunnel. I still find GOD. It’s not about religion or Christianity. It’s about finding peace with oneself. It’s about finding peace with ones life. If you allow God to help you find that. I think it’s the most beautiful thing you could ever do. I’ve always been a broken person who never lost my faith in a almighty GOD.