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Addicted to him: Pleasure Island

 I don’t know if any of you men or women ever felt so trapped in love as if the man or the woman was your choice of drug. It didn’t matter how many times you tried to leave because of the toxic basis of the relationship – you couldn’t. This is about that exactly. It’s a poem that speaks on how easily we confuse lust and sex with love. We convince ourselves certain feelings like those butterflies are love.

 

 This is about being addicted to someone who cheats on you. Desiring somebody who takes advantage of your good heart, and knows that no matter what they do you’re the main one to them. Why do they have that much power over you? They know that you will always come back because you allow them to treat you like that.  They will always find a way to hold on to you.

 

 It’s the kind of love that makes you lose yourself, and hurt. It’s the kind of love that makes you hate yourself. It’s the kind of love that makes you allow others to hate you because well you’re in it you feel afraid of people. You allow the bad stuff about yourself to become what you believe ; even if it’s not true. You become protective of your heart, and people target you.

 

 You need to be stronger than that, and you need to let go…..

 

 It takes some people years to get out of these bad cycles where they’ve been made to look like the bad one. You don’t have to live like that anymore. You don’t need to keep seeing everyone as the same because there are bullies in this world who don’t understand what you’re going through, and those are the voices you hear.  Shame on those people

 

  There are good people out there who won’t let that define you, and will show you your worth again. They will stand by you, and teach you how to love yourself again. You don’t need to be peoples target anymore. From this day forward no matter what you’re going through – start looking up! Fight those demons off of you. Show them they can’t control you. The people who couldn’t see who you are, well it’s their loss. As long as you know you. That’s all that really matters. People deserve to see you for who you really are ; not the way you’ve let others define you for so long. You deserve that for yourself too.

 

 

Well this poem speaks to that. Just know if you’ve been in this situation you’re not alone. I hope this poem speaks to you.  It’s one of my deepest poems I ever wrote.

 

Pleasure Island

By, Irene

I’m so blinded by your fantasy.

I’m stranded on your Island.

I can’t break myself free.

Here I feel so much pleasure.

I think I’m in paradise.

A slave that thinks you’re a treasure.

Who am I? How did I get here?

I’m digging deep into the ground.

I’m like a missing person.

Am I in a human lost-and-found?

Seems I’ve lost myself in you.

Your love I try so hard to resist.

But for some reason I’m feigning it.

My friends don’t know I still exist.

I’m grabbing at your hand.

Slowly I feel myself sinking.

I’m burying myself deeper

You stop me from thinking.

You’re letting me fall.

I’m losing my breath – still fighting.

I’m fighting for you.

I see a flash of lightening.

You want it to strike me.

I can hear your friends cheering, I can hear you mocking.

You got me under your spell.

This shouldn’t be shocking.

I got faith in you, well you leave me in this storm.

I know you’ve done this before.

It’s like a music video that keeps playing on repeat.

Then I still keep coming back for more.

I’m so foolish, it’s humiliating.

I can feel the strangers evil stares.

Then you pull me up as if you saved me.

You leave me there lying.

I’m like a helpless bird without wings.

I feel so crippled tied up in chains.

There you go again promising me things.

You got me on this guilt trip.

If I hold unto you just a little longer.

You’ll give me what I want.

If I act a just a little stronger.

I’m stuck in this rain.

Believing you love me.

All I feel is severe pain.

Then you’re off on your Hawaiin Cruise.

You’re living a double life.

You have no fear of what you will lose.

You trapped me on your Pleasure Island.

I want you so bad, but I’m not okay.

So I’ve been building this boat,

I want to finally sail away.

Find out what’s out there for me.

I’m in jail here.

I will break free from your chains.

I won’t stay in fear.

I will hold unto faith.

Life can seem so unfair.

I will hold unto God.

God answers prayer.

The world doesn’t truly know me.

I’m like a locked up princess.

At war with people trying to steal away my rights.

I won’t be your mistress.

Someday my prince will come.

The world can be so cruel when you’re loyal, loving, and kind.

I just keep dreaming and dreaming.

To distract myself and ease my mind.

The bad ones always seem to get it all,

Being manipulative, and putting on an act.

They can have you so fooled, making the great ones fall.

But I’ll get back up and I’ll win.

You have me so wrong.

I shouldn’t be your prisioner.

I’m so courageous. I’m strong.

I can survive cruelty and broken hearts.

I can do it without seeking revenge or spite.

I have hope and I see a brighter tomorrow.

I take out my candle to light.

I have so many tears now.

They keep falling from my eyes.

Can’t you see it? I care for you.

You’re so scared from my cries.

You try to flip it on me acting all tough.

As If I’m the shallow person.

Baby, don’t you know I’ve had it rough?

You like to see me suffer.

You think that I would hurt you.

Baby, don’t you know that I wouldn’t?

I’m not like you.

My heart is too soft.

You love when I’m hurting.

You love having power.

You’re always out flirting.

It gives you justification.

It allows you to believe I’m just crazy.

Your ego takes over.

Then you forget about me.

You’re too proud to care.

I’m stuck in this misery.

I cry for help and noone hears.

Slowly my love is fading.

I’m starting to give up.

I’m so done with my persuading.

I just want to smile again.

I miss when I used to smile.

I miss when I knew who I was.

You make me suicidal.

I feel empty here.

I’m packing my stuff and I’m ready to leave.

Then there you are again.

I’m so tired of feeling deceived.

I won’t be blinded by you.

Then you pull me back and kiss me by surprise.

I’m trapped again.

You start talking about the future as you look into my eyes.

I can’t escape.

Then I give into your temptation.

Tune out the pain in my heart.

I can’t run away from your sensation.

I feel so trapped on your Pleasure Island.

You blind me.

Let me go.

Don’t touch me.

I’m shouting now!

I don’t want to hurt you like you did me.

I need to avoid you.

I need to be free.

Now the tables are turned.

I’m walking away…..

I’m tuning you out.

I hear you begging me to stay.

I won’t let another man steal my identity.

You found out you had a good woman too late.

Maybe you should of got to know her,

Instead of judged her by her heartache.

It’s your turn to cry.

I still wish you happiness.

Now it’s my turn to say Goodbye.

Philandering Husbands

  If we don’t have regrets. We haven’t grown from our mistakes. I could never date someone who doesn’t look in a mirror at themselves to admit the part they played in a falling out with somebody else. It takes two to tango. With my luck – I’ll end up with a divorced man or a separated man. I know right – definitely not my first dream.  It can become a nuisance when that’s the reality you’ve accepted. Celebrities like Alicia Keys and Steve Harvey and his wife have done it and it turned out well for them.
 People will always try to give advice like: “Oh you’ll be hurt if you’re a mans rebound.”
 I think that’s craziness. I think what I’ll actually be is on the same page as a man for once. I think it’s maturity. I recognize my past and the mistakes I made in relationships so it’s easy for me to empathize with a man who made similar mistakes. You can try at love with somebody who comes without a history, but then you also have to realize you yourself have a history. You can only try to move on so much with men who are committed to misunderstanding you. Part of growth is realizing that relationships work when you can both relate period. The rest of the time the relationship can become unbalanced.

 It hurts me to see the girls men I loved in my past have replaced me with. I feel like the world wants me to see women who took my ex from me as a bad person. How can a woman take an ex from me if a man was never committed to me to begin with, and that’s why he decided to cheat on me? People cheat because they don’t feel committed. They feel that they can still find better. Clearly, the man cheated because he thought those girls were better. I guess I can call them empty women and women who did their best to destroy my family and what I should rightfully of called mine and married into. The crazy part is they accepted the fact that they were more able to relate to a broken man than a whole man. Why can’t I do the same? In the end everything happens for a reason.

Yes, in the end my ex will probably put those women through the same things he put me through. Just like if I end up with a divorced or separated man – chances are he will put me through the same things he put his wife through. Why couldn’t my ex fix it with me? Why couldn’t those husbands who move on fix it with their wives? Sometimes in life people just move forwards and it doesn’t mean that it won’t work out. It’s peoples idea of what a perfect picture looks like that makes them think that if it works out for you it will ruin their own perception of what happiness is. Since when is it somebody’s business how somebody else chooses to live?

Divorce is part of life.

 There are so many reasons we make up for why a woman would get involved with a man who was committed before. When I look at the girls who choose to be with my ex. I feel bad for them because somewhere in their life I believe they were broken down so much to the point they thought saving a man was love. I feel like he needed a rebound to show me what I lost and he was able to manipulate them to do everything he wanted them to do….and that’s exactly where he wanted them….believing they were his prize because he chose them over the rest.
 The craziest thing is if he loved me – why would he want to marry them? You see it’s my experiences that taught me how so many people end up with cheating husbands. It’s because of my experiences, I realized a lot of men didn’t marry for love but they married to settle into validation. A lot of women fall for the antics of a player because they seek out the same validation thinking they will change him. It is lust and infatuation and obsession but seldom is it love.
 They end up sleeping with him and once they’re addicted to him they get married and sign a paper just to prove a point. In the end – what they are really seeking is attention from everyone else instead of respect from a man. The reason they choose him is because now that that they’re brainwashed by him – other men no longer take them serious. They will always be a reflection of that man. This is their way of saying “I’m loyal,” but the first person they aren’t loyal to is themselves. If a woman is not loyal to herself – why on earth would a woman think she can change a man to be loyal to her? These type of women believe they can through marriage.
 That’s why even when he cheats they constantly run back to him fighting for his love and heart knowing they’re just rebounds from his ex. They lose their sense of self and identity in him. They no longer know who they are, and the man appreciates the power he has over them because he has not yet matured. These women eventually realize he still misses his ex and they feel threatened and want his ex to hurt because they hurt. Once a man has you where he wants you. He will tell you how much you’re not his ex, and how his exes love was so much better, and so many women try to add up to the ex, even knowing from day one  he was playing them and that’s why they’re willing to hurt the woman he loved to win him because they loved the way he treated his ex, but they never got to know him for him until after marriage.
That’s why it’s a red flag when a man talks down on a woman. Usually a man talks down on a woman because she mattered, and if he can get you to feel sorry for him. He knows he can have power over you, and once sex is compromised he knows he can get you to do whatever he wants knowing he will never love you, but you help him keep a perfect image for society. As women we gotta learn to weed these type of dramatic men out. To me it’s understanding that, and understanding that some men made poor choices in their first marriage and rushed into it with women they didn’t want to marry which makes me empathize with them when they mature and realize they need to set their wives free and rewrite their wrongs in the past. If a man leaves his wife or a wife leaves him. I understand it. I also understand that I deserve a second chance at love and so does a divorced man. It’s not right to hold peoples pasts against them just because they failed at their marriage. It’s not necessarily their marriage they failed at. Sometimes they were never fully in the marriage to begin with. It was their need to impress society instead of themselves that they failed at.
 A lot of people will jump to conclusions about your character when you’re honest about these things. You will learn your friends when you voice your opinions on such subjects. They’re the ones who know you for you – not the ones who try to hurt you for who you’re not to feel better about themselves. Sometimes, I can’t believe I was once so immature in my choice in men, and I looked up to women who settled in marriages for an image as mature and women to take advice from. Inner pain is the worst pain you could ever carry. The older I get the more I want less friends, and more love. Friends will try to turn you into who they want you to be. Love will find you when you’ve accepted who you truly are.

 I speak on marriages both the good side and dark side of it. I don’t need to be married to see both sides. If somebody is not happy in their relationship or marriage. They’re going to find a reason to hate me simply because they’re not happy, and I’ve stayed true to myself. Happy people do not try to hurt others or make up others characters just to protect themselves. People who need a self defense mechanism do. On the other side of toxic marriages and people who married for the wrong reasons there are of course so many wives who married their husbands for the right reasons. These wives are in happy marriages. They’re women who empower other women. They don’t seek out praise or validation. They live and let live because they have faith and trust in their husbands.

Dramatic relationships are very unhealthy. A 40 year old woman should not be being dramatic. When a woman becomes dramatic other women notice her husband simply because she makes it obvious that her husband is not treating her well which enables him to play a victim using her, and other women think they’re coming to rescue her well he fights for them the same way he refuses to fight for her. Some men want a second chance at love and to get it right the second time through. Women do not come into a mans relationship because they’re jealous or can’t have a woman’s man. They come into his relationship because the wife is telling the world she owns the husband, and the husband is basically telling all those women to save him. He often ends up in infidelity and sleeping with them. However, sometimes he realizes they’re no different than his wife and after cheating,  and guilt takes over and he pretends to be a Samaritan and fights to save the marriage. So many women tell girls to leave their cheating boyfriends ; yet condone them when they chase married men who are apparently better. It’s the hypocrisy that nobody listens to.

If women were honest they’d admit they settled with cheating husbands, and worked through their marriage. So who are they to judge a woman who forgives her cheating boyfriend? That’s the problem they do. That’s why women believe all they’re worth sometimes is married men who appear to be the full package. A lot of women have misplaced their feminine energy and started carrying around masculine energy. When looking for a lover be careful about choosing a man just because of the lifestyle the man can provide you. Straight up, you’re telling the man that you’re a gold digger and it’s basically a business relationship. Now when you marry that man in that way. You can’t blame a gold digger for not respecting you when a woman learns that’s the reason you’re with your husband. Like attracts to like.

That man likes you both for the same reason and before marriage he went in a triangle with you, and now after marriage he will go back and fourth between the mistress and the wife. He will only want to be around you both in the phases that feel like a honey moon and constantly avoid you until you stay in that honey moon phase where he knows he has power over you and the upper hand. As women, we really need to stop putting each-other down. A man who has a problem with infidelity will always be happy to see both women in a fight because it makes his cheating that much easier for him. In the end you’re both still losing because the whole time you all are fighting. He is usually looking for a woman who knows nothing about either of you, and that woman is the real threat to the relationship. He will probably fall in love with that one.

People who love and support this drama do it because they want to feel better about their own demons too. You women often complain about what you can’t be and why your life never gets better. All of these things are excuses to not admit your own poor choices in a man, your own poor choices in a husband. Everything is in your mindset. If you think you can find a rich man and use him for a lifestyle to get validation and that somehow things will get better. Well that’s the lifestyle your life will magnify around. The reality is the only thing that will be better is the drama you attract will multiply. How are you going to weather the storm when it multiplies?

Should you relight the spark?

 

You fell in love with a man or you married a man who is acting distant from you, and you’ve tried everything, and he still doesn’t want to communicate with you? If it’s so bad and you’re in a rough patch and you know you messed up. You should probably write your man a letter explaining how he’s your rock, and how you failed to appreciate him when he needed you to be his. A lot of relationships fall a part because you’re putting expectations on him, but you’re forgetting how much he did for you to begin with, and that now it’s your turn to be his rock. A lot of you think love stays how it is in the honemoon phase when actually if you all were lying and acting to get eachother to the bedroom in the beginning. It changes.

Love is work. Love is effort. Love is appreciation. Love is not “I” and love is not “You.” Love is “We” as in “we need eachother.” Until you understand that, you might be a good flirt, you might be somebody easy to sleep with, but you haven’t quite mastered what it means to be marriage material. Men have huge egos and as women we have to understand how to feed them. I know when a woman and a man are in a fight. Often the man feels like he’s been emasculated. If you emasculate a man. He’s going to be upset. He’s going to be resentful towards you. That is one part of a man you should never destroy. Relationships go downhill when you do, and it doesn’t matter the man.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside. In the end it’s how beautiful you’re on the inside. The money you spend on your nails. The money you spend on your hair. That’s all money your man is trying to invest into paying on the house that you’re failing to appreciate. A mans natural duty is a protector and a provider. You can focus on making yourself look good for him, and putting on make-up for hours. In the end most men prefer to see their woman naturally. Statistically proven men marry the woman that they are with when they’re socially ready to get married ; not because it’s the woman they’re in love with. The main reason a man gets married is companionship / friendship. The divorce rate is at 50% for first time marriages, and goes up every marriage after. You chose marriage and you chose a committed relationship. Now you gotta study your partner until you have a degree on them.

One way to turn a man or a woman on is through scents. I believe Vanilla and Lavender are the top scents to use according to experts. I for one am a straight user of Lavender when it comes to male seduction. I will light Lavender candles, wear lavender lotion, but I will never tell the man that’s what I’m doing. In the end sex is part of bonding. A man who feels wanted ends up bonding with you. I also love oils, and I love massages. You can study tantra. The best type of romance is when you’re both down with that. Aromas can set the mood when you feel like you’re drifting a part from your partner like a magic potion.  The problem is you might be so hurt, and your man or your husband might not understand why you’re so turned off by  him at this moment.

 My favourite movie is: “Beauty and the beast.” Do you see how beautiful the BEAST is when he finally takes Belle to the dance floor? He was only tough on the outside, but on the inside he was truly hurting. Sometimes your man / husband may feel the same way about him that you currently feel about him. The man is the head and the woman is the heart. You gotta learn to love people from the inside out, not the outside in. Anybody can look good with money. Beautiful people have sometimes been bruised and become guarded. Sometimes your man has become guarded from you. You’re trying to find out how to relight the spark well being understood at the same time. First things first:
#1. Stop nagging him.
#2. Stop bringing up the past.
 Both those things are turn offs and will turn your man off completely. As a woman you want passion, sensuality, romance, and loving. You feel abandoned. You gotta understand that in the beginning you may have rushed into a relationship and you may have rushed into a marriage. Now things are going to take time. You’re doing all the things you should’ve done before you got together and the trust has to be built. It was never there to begin with. If you love each-other you gotta work on respecting each-other.

If you choose to leave because you feel that there is better out there for you. You need to grow from your mistakes. Love will find you when it finds you. Sometimes love has always been in front of you but because it was respectful love you saw it as rejection and passed it up for attention. Learn to understand the power of patience and Gods love. Don’t ever be in a rush to fight for something god showed you isn’t for you just because others praise you. There is no need for a fake applause on your life. You got one life to get love right and hopefully your desire is to get your marriage right. Somewhere in the world is a man GOD is growing into your perfect king. When you understand the power of GOD. You understand the duty of growth. Only when GOD says it’s time is it ever time. The rest is settling for mediocrity. Beautiful love is worth waiting for especially when you know how beautiful a person you’re in your heart. Don’t let somebody break you when you’ve healed yourself to be whole!

 

 

 

 

Love

In life I believe in positivity…

I don’t believe I ever struggled. I believe I always understood God’s power through me.

Every dark road and every dark tunnel, I always looked at others on the same paths who didn’t know God, and I cried and I prayed for them.

There are times I came back to my dark roads with the same circumstances and I saw hopelessness. There is always hope in hopeless situations. I always kept my faith in GOD and felt God’s presence with me every step. Every single day I chose a path that most wouldn’t. I’ve always seen my life as a growing testimony rather than an inward battle.

I find forgiveness easy when I understand that to have GOD on our side is more than enough. I’m still human with emotions – as we all are. Those who choose GOD understand the journey.

It’s okay to fail. It’s not okay to quit.

In positivity I believe we all have a soulmate…

If I love you. I trust you. Love and Trust go hand in hand. I’m not your babysitter nor am I your mother figure. The day I have to go through your stuff and get into your business is the same day I stop wanting you. Nobody who truly loves somebody goes through their stuff. Nobody who lives respectfully has something to prove. Love is either there or it’s not.

Every man has a “Fool” and a “King” in him. It’s all in God’s timing when he awakens a man and God’s decision as to how he creates his love stories in people’s lives. I don’t judge. If I love you – I’m patient. I’d rather be an example of a good woman at the end of the day. God first. Family first. The rest naturally falls into place respectfully.

Every girl has a desire to be loved at the end of the day.

In a soulmate I believe in respect…

We’re all imperfect. We all make mistakes. We all need guidance somewhere. We all need forgiveness. We all need to be humble. Everybody has a story. Not everybody shares their story.

I think any married person who can have affairs is just an expert liar with practice at it. They not only tricked someone into a marriage they never wanted other than to pretend they were a saint. They also victimized themselves to attract the next victims. Marriage is sacred – anyone who can have affairs is a good actress / actor. The best actors / actresses show up in our dating lives. Someone who was really in a bad marriage would be getting divorced – not looking for a rebound to hurt somebody else. They’d be too hurt to do the same to another.

I don’t find it friendship when somebody is sleeping with another person’s significant other or spouse. It’s called poor upbringing and someone taking advantage of a vulnerability to boost their own ego. In respectful terms if one manages to tear up a home or win somebody else’s spouse or significant other all they win is somebody who lacks guilt in cheating. If they did it with you – they can do it to you. We need to stop confusing ego feeds with love. It’s how we lose at love. True genuine friendship doesn’t involve sex period.

In respect I believe in a brighter tomorrow.

In life we should live it creating beauty. When we create beauty in our lives – we’re being true to what we stand for. We inspire others. We can’t all be the same. Everybody sees through a different window. It doesn’t mean opposite ways can’t work out. Sometimes opposite ways create a balance which creates harmony. Everyone has a different set of lessons and a different growth process to overcome.

There are very few females who wake up looking naturally beautiful according to society’s definition of beauty. Beauty is not everything. Beauty lies within. I feel that if a man is ashamed of me at my worst. He’s not in it for me, rather he is in it for himself. He is not looking to respect me. He is looking for everyone to respect him. He doesn’t deserve me when I put in a genuine effort. Any girl can have beauty with money and the right accessories. Are they really beautiful? Something we must all ask ourselves.

What is beauty? Beauty is authenticity. Each one of us is unique in our own ways. Don’t ever judge somebody for being different. Never discriminate against somebody because they aren’t like you. Everybody has a space and their own path to walk. If you really look deep into someones life you can always find their strengths and help them embrace those more. I always remember that no matter what we go through in life, we’re still blessed because God still granted us today.

That’s why I stay patient. That’s why I stay thankful. That’s why I appreciate those in my life. Never take a day for granted. Every day is a blessing.

Fixing Your Broken Heart

 

A broken heart can send you into TWO DIRECTIONS.

#1. It can send you into a place you’re spiraling out of control and making bad decisions.

#2. It can send you into heartache that transforms into a healing and growth process.

Has your heart ever been shattered this way? Did you feel strongly towards a woman you saw as your Cinderella? Did you feel so attached to a man you saw as your Prince Charming? Did life let you down in this dream called LOVE? Maybe you were the Knight in Shining Armour? Maybe you were the Damsel in Distress the Knight came to rescue? You and your  significant other planned this happily ever after together. It was happy and then one day it wasn’t.

FAIRYTALES ONLY LAST FOR SO LONG.

The honeymoon phase is over. The moment is gone. In the same strike as lightening reality happens.  Faster than you had come prepared. Did you ever reach this point in your love life? Did you ever feel it was time to give up on love? How did you pick up the pieces? How did you start over?

You might of just went through a break up. You might of just went through a divorce. You might be going through a separation. You might feel that you have nowhere to turn and that nobody understands what you could be going through. You have nobody to listen and nobody to hear you.

Every-time you reach out to a friend. They don’t want to hear the drama in your life. They just want to take you out and cheer you up. They don’t respect your feelings nor do they respect your broken heart. On the other note – maybe you’d rather not be a burden. I’m not sure your situation.

What I am sure is that healing takes time and nobody can tell you how long you need to heal. Do what you need to do to heal that broken heart and make it whole again. Everybody heals differently. You might see yourself as weak but the truth is you’re strong because you have a heart that knew how to love.

Imagine the world and how many people are together that don’t really want to be together. You were strong enough to face the world alone. You were strong enough to take the tears and walk your own path into your: CALLING.

I find when life offers you a broken heart. It also offers you a CHOICE. It offers you a choice to work through the pain until you find where you belong or to run backwards and repeat your bad patterns. In the end everything that happens will be a result of that choice.

You’re here and you’re beautiful. What is it you really want to do with your life? Why aren’t you focusing more on that? The truth is love will come and love will go but your gifts are forever. When you learn to fall in love with your passion before you fall in love with a person. You end up with the right person in the long run instead of the person who doesn’t understand you in the temporary. It’s good to love but it’s better to be loved back.

Don’t ever tell yourself that you’re not worth it. Don’t ever sell yourself short. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

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