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How To Get A Man

A lot of times women who can’t find a man are following what I like to refer to as MEDIOCRITY! They’re following their friends, looking at the husbands and boyfriends of their friends, and thinking they’re not good enough as long as they end up with a man like that and often end up chasing UNAVAILABLE MEN. This path is failure and creates self-heartache. They end up falling in love with UNAVAILABLE MEN.

Finding a boyfriend or a man to have sex with you is easy. Everyone wants what comes easy, but find a KING… that takes self work, that takes growth, that takes healing, that takes a transformation. That takes finding the best version of yourself.

I wrote myself a letter to my FUTURE HUSBAND. It goes like this:

Dear Potential,
I’m not what you’re used to.
My father instilled into me a strength of character. My mother instilled into me a golden heart.
I’m so empathetic you’ll accuse me of ulterior motives and your perspectives are based on your environments and experiences and have nothing to do with me.
Hurt people hurt people and in my life I crave only peace so go find healing before you come to interrupt my focus.
I’m surrounded by people who love me and I don’t need your validation. I’m not afraid to walk away from disrespect because I respect me first. If that hurts your pride … Then I’m sorry for your broken heart but life is a process and maybe I need to break yours to help you evolve into the man God wants you to be. Go transform. You show me what I lost by becoming a better man integrity, humility, remorse. Putting women in my face , making me jealous turns me off because my loyalty is hard to come by. So walk away…there’s the door. I don’t chase disrespect. I chase peace.

But if you choose to stay…tell me your goals, your ambitions, your values, and own why your past relationships failed without blaming the women. Tell me what you learned from your mistakes. Tell me your plan to change them and why my life would be better with you than without you and if you can’t show me your scars…please walk away. I can’t be a team with someone who can’t be real.

I could be like everyone else seeking a man just to have someone, but I know my worth in God. So I choose to set you free while I find myself until I get where God wants me and the man has no second guesses I’m his! You’ll never know if you’re ready…nobody is ever ready…but unless you see me as the woman you’re willing to rise up to my standards and lead then I gotta let you go… And if you can’t understand everything I just said. I won’t make the mistake of marrying you… Because marriage is sacred, the ultimate commitment you make in front of God and not one I’ll take lightly. I rather help you grow than choose you before you’re ready to make that commitment. 

Love,
Irene
***

I guess you clicked on this for wisdom on how to fool a man into a marriage you don’t want to stay in. I still haven’t found my husband. I think the best advice I can give you or any single woman is fall back in love with yourself, heal yourself, transform into the authentic woman you want to attract a real man. Once you build it your husband will be there. That’s the wisdom that was given to me by married people who are successful!

A woman of Virtue

When people look at me sometimes all they see is…
a girl who is happy,
a girl who has everything,
and a girl who has conquered every demon.
 They don’t see me playing a victim.
I have a forgiving and unconditionally loving heart in a world where most people are conditional. A lot of people do not find that normal. I feel like everything we achieve in life we have to work for it through dignity.
 I can’t stand abuse, and I’m not blind to it.  I will always speak up to it to help victims. I think people want to shut that part of me up. I feel like (hopefully) because I speak up people have the courage to walk away from abusive situations. I don’t mind standing alone and being the voice for the voiceless.
 I believe in saving lives and defending and empowering other women and educating them on why things happen. I don’t believe that marriage is always a solution. I’m not one who cares if people disagree with my opinions or the fact I’d rather not write stuff towards having the image life everybody so desperately wants. I’m used to criticism and I am a stronger woman because of it. Society can be cruel when you walk away from toxic situation-ships rather than settle and compromise just for others to like you.
 I often speak up and write about topics that others don’t want to hear because they want to hear the fantasy. I want to share with others reality. I can’t promise that everything I write will make you feel good about yourself. It will help guide you into a better person though when you reflect your own situation through my honesty.
Some people will love me for it, and others will hate me for it.
 I think as young girls and women who are single. We need to stop feeding into society. All those images we see can’t even compare to what we still have to offer a good man. I think every female deserves that long-haul. Both my older sisters waited on GODS timing and are both in happy marriages. I believe it’s so important to stay a woman of value. I once dated a man who tried to degrade me and it was extremely painful.
He would say things like:

“You need to fix your hair!”

“I’m going to pay for you to have brand name clothes.”

“You need a hair cut.”

“If you love me cut your hair like this, so I can take you out in public.”

It was extremely insulting, and I was extremely offended.

He thought that treating me like this was his way of feeling secure in our relationship. If I listened, if I was submissive than I was worth keeping. I decided to take off all my nice clothes and wear clothes from the thrift shop. I decided to take off all my make-up and embrace my natural beauty. He stopped trying to control me once he realized I was confident in my natural self. To me: he was the one not secure in himself and wanted me to be his trophy girlfriend.

Any time a man tries to change you – being a submissive woman is not the solution. He may turn out to be happy, but you won’t be. In the end that man is testing if he can manipulate you or not. Often these men will cheat on you if you listen to them. They want you to be confused stuck in the thought process of: “I did all this for you to like me….why don’t you like me anymore?”

It’s how they gain power over you. The second they have power over you ; they’re free to have their cake and eat it too. This is a red flag.  No woman with value even gives those men the time of day and if she does he will devalue her as someone to cheat on. Don’t even respond to men like that. Not worth it. What will hurt them is the fact you found better and didn’t want them either and that’s exactly what men like this deserve.

It is the fact that I learned to read through games that has stopped me from jumping into relationships.

Love Vs. Lust

 In my early days of dating. I didn’t really look for a specific man. I looked for attention over respect. I’d go on a coffee date with anyone. I felt I was open-minded ; rather than shallow. To me it was friendship. It was innocent. It was pure. I was just being genuine. I’m friendly, and polite. Now as I’ve matured from those days ; I’m not really into dating unless a man meets my requirements.
 Sadly, most men do not get married based on love and do not marry the one they love. Infidelity is common enough in marriages. Most people settle. Most people bluff. People want a lifestyle, and will compromise for it to share bills. I do not believe just because a marriage is in place that a commitment has been established, and that is most peoples mistakes. They run with the wind without reading the contract they’re signing. Image oriented society. That is the road I was almost headed down, thankfully I was able to see the red-flags ahead of time.
 I think it’s better to wait, and most so called married people now will finally end up divorced when their children grow up because…
A. They’re in it for the image
B. They’re lonely
C. infidelity
 It happens more often than most ever want to admit because GOD forbid we stop looking up to them, and their family portrait. Ego is that powerful. A lot of times young women look for love in all the wrong places. It’s normal to look up to those who are older than us, and want to impress them. I think you should go into every relationship stating what you want, and the other person is either working with you or against you. You will know by how they reciprocate the love you’re showing them. Don’t try to force somebody into a lifestyle they don’t want and vice versa. It is a waste of time for both of you. What’s for you will always be for you, and you’re going to end up missing your blessing caught up in a future you don’t really want. Let it go! Time is not the reason to jump into a fire of hopeless devotion. Your requirements are, and finding someone who can meet them. The bible never said to lower your standards.
Love Vs. Lust
by, Irene
I see an angel ; her face so angelic.
Glowing personality so awesome.
Valuable like an antique relic.
Heart so lovable like a cherry blossom.
Her attractiveness beautiful like a flower.
Allowing herself to be his eye-candy.
Giving him all of her power.
Pleasing him because he’s dandy.
Her mind filled up with naivety.
Her analytic ways causing her misery.
Never any trust ; just lust.
Blissfulness confusing her ; making her convince herself it’s love.
She gives in too fast, starts feeling too deep,
a mess she can’t get out of.
All her friends warned her ; she didn’t listen.
All she sees in the lenses is the blur.
She still sees him glisten.
This is her brand new start.
This man is not in this for her heart.
Only sex to fulfill his lust – for him it becomes a must.
She gives into temptation ; forgetting about God’s plan for salvation.
In fear he might cheat ; rather than trusting Jesus to help her defeat.
She becomes used to this. It’s him she begins to miss.
She gave him that precious gift.
Her sweetness becomes anger – he drifts.
He’s marked his name ; all the hurt it’s her he blames.
He’s vexed ; he’s onto the next.
She’s hurt ; he’s abused her kindness.
Now he’s putting her down for her blindness.
In her life he slowly fades away ; she becomes part of his yesterday.
The warning signs were always there.
Her anger is because she started to care.
All the love has now turned into war.
How does she let go and soar?
He used to make her feel like a precious rose ; now she’s a hideous dandelion.
She feels like ugly black crows ; instead of believing she belongs to zion.
Her heart is so warm ; she’s still trying.
Tears like a waterfall she begins crying.
She lacks self-assurance ; she’s given up on endurance.
She used to go with the flow – where oh where did her faith go?
She’s conditioned herself to expect pain.
Her history taught her only rain.
Instead of looking for the sun ; she looks for the storm.

How does she now conform?

I see the make-up upon her face ; her head that stares in space.

Neglecting her duty ; she covers up her natural beauty.
She longs to be loved ; she stands alone in the distance.
Retaliation becomes her persistence.
She wants to be left alone – she waits by the phone.
Strong opinions she holds ; pain so deep she never unfolds.
People judge without knowing where she’s been.
Her mistakes give them an excuse ; a reason to be mean.
A reason to think they’re better.
Her pain like cuts hidden underneath a sweater.
She tries to turn her life around ; instead of help – they put her down.
She runs back to what she knows – where she glows.
She doesn’t understand love. She doesn’t understand trust.
She doesn’t understand God above. She only understood lust.
Why do people judge instead of show true love?
Life is now like a game ; society has made this world a shame.
No woman on earth deserves to be treated like a mistress.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s princess!
She spent her life dreaming of the romance scenes.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s queen.
If God never gave up on us ; why are we so quick to give up on them?
Why do we judge without helping people heal?
Shouldn’t we stop and think – if we were them –
How would we feel?
Now to the women who are married ; stop hurting these women. They need your guidance not your judgment. Sometimes you’re mad at them because you remember how you were when you were young. Now your sex life in your marriage has stopped and you fear them taking your place. They don’t want your place. They want to believe that they’re worth love, and having the same love that you found.
 Sometimes as women we have an unhealthy attitude towards sex. This attitude has to do with our experience with men, and the fact we didn’t always make good choices in them. Sometimes women treat the one they love for every man in the past who hurt them. Just like a young woman has to find healing to learn what love is and to stop confusing lust with love. A married woman needs to learn how sex can heal a marriage.
 Sex is powerful both negatively and positively. When a marriage is broken and you start taking away sex and using it as punishment towards your husband you’re hurting him. You’re basically telling your man that you don’t love him. I’m telling you as women we don’t realize how manipulative our actions can feel and then we wonder why men start cheating. We blame younger women who want what we have because were no longer valuing it. There is nothing more appealing to a man than when he feels wanted. Make sure you always make your man feel wanted. When you don’t the king in him leaves, and the fool in him returns.

 

 

 

Finding A Man

I seem to break a lot of hearts. People tend to judge books by covers they haven’t even read.
 When dating a new man. I often see that were mismatched early on. I have a list of reasons for them for why were not good together. There is never any drama involved. I don’t believe in giving men false hope or fake promises. I believe in carrying around the standards of a wife even if I’m not yet a wife. The thing is when you learn to dodge men you know you’ll never see in your future. A lot of times they will try to show you what you lost with the next woman in hopes that will still fight for them. Two years later – they often apologize and realize you were just a woman of standards.
It’s hard to find love when your problems aren’t the problems of most women. You understand that a lot of marriages happened because two people got together because they needed to share bills. Once you understand that you don’t rush into it. A lot of people bluff. A lot of people will tell you how happy they are together, and a lot of people will hate you because you can’t stand the false persona of fake relationships. People who pretend to be happy, but are actually unhappy and wish they would leave their relationships / marriages. It’s offensive when you begin to learn how many married folks lie, and you wish they would give honest advice instead of leading you to their misery.
 My friend told me: “Irene, you had a longer relationship than most peoples marriages. You are qualified to give advice.”
 I don’t think I’m any sort of professional or qualified. I think I am just someone who can empathize with others easily. The only thing actually different between me and married folks is the piece of paper. I was smart about it. I didn’t set myself up to be stuck. There are many people who wonder if I’ll ever fall in love, why I avoid it, and everything else.
 I don’t even have a type of man I’m attracted to. I’ve met so many men from all different races. If it weren’t for the fact that I  have a past with baggage ; I do think that a lot of men I meet deserve a good woman. I’m far from bitter. It’s just that I feel my respect is towards my family. I know that I have to live a lifestyle where I am a role-model. I choose love based on what’s best for my family unit in general, and sometimes that means not making love a priority.
 It has nothing to do with “THE LIST” of most women.
It has to do with:
“Is he compatible with the life I’m already happy in?”
 “Is he gonna try to change me?”
 “Am I willing to meet him half way?”
 “Will he be a good role-model for my children?”
 It’s more like making sure a man balances with who I already am. I meet great men, but the balance with my original life I have before them isn’t there. I love everybody in general. My personality is literally compatible with everyone.

I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!

People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.

 

Philandering Husbands

  If we don’t have regrets. We haven’t grown from our mistakes. I could never date someone who doesn’t look in a mirror at themselves to admit the part they played in a falling out with somebody else. It takes two to tango. With my luck – I’ll end up with a divorced man or a separated man. I know right – definitely not my first dream.  It can become a nuisance when that’s the reality you’ve accepted. Celebrities like Alicia Keys and Steve Harvey and his wife have done it and it turned out well for them.
 People will always try to give advice like: “Oh you’ll be hurt if you’re a mans rebound.”
 I think that’s craziness. I think what I’ll actually be is on the same page as a man for once. I think it’s maturity. I recognize my past and the mistakes I made in relationships so it’s easy for me to empathize with a man who made similar mistakes. You can try at love with somebody who comes without a history, but then you also have to realize you yourself have a history. You can only try to move on so much with men who are committed to misunderstanding you. Part of growth is realizing that relationships work when you can both relate period. The rest of the time the relationship can become unbalanced.

 It hurts me to see the girls men I loved in my past have replaced me with. I feel like the world wants me to see women who took my ex from me as a bad person. How can a woman take an ex from me if a man was never committed to me to begin with, and that’s why he decided to cheat on me? People cheat because they don’t feel committed. They feel that they can still find better. Clearly, the man cheated because he thought those girls were better. I guess I can call them empty women and women who did their best to destroy my family and what I should rightfully of called mine and married into. The crazy part is they accepted the fact that they were more able to relate to a broken man than a whole man. Why can’t I do the same? In the end everything happens for a reason.

Yes, in the end my ex will probably put those women through the same things he put me through. Just like if I end up with a divorced or separated man – chances are he will put me through the same things he put his wife through. Why couldn’t my ex fix it with me? Why couldn’t those husbands who move on fix it with their wives? Sometimes in life people just move forwards and it doesn’t mean that it won’t work out. It’s peoples idea of what a perfect picture looks like that makes them think that if it works out for you it will ruin their own perception of what happiness is. Since when is it somebody’s business how somebody else chooses to live?

Divorce is part of life.

 There are so many reasons we make up for why a woman would get involved with a man who was committed before. When I look at the girls who choose to be with my ex. I feel bad for them because somewhere in their life I believe they were broken down so much to the point they thought saving a man was love. I feel like he needed a rebound to show me what I lost and he was able to manipulate them to do everything he wanted them to do….and that’s exactly where he wanted them….believing they were his prize because he chose them over the rest.
 The craziest thing is if he loved me – why would he want to marry them? You see it’s my experiences that taught me how so many people end up with cheating husbands. It’s because of my experiences, I realized a lot of men didn’t marry for love but they married to settle into validation. A lot of women fall for the antics of a player because they seek out the same validation thinking they will change him. It is lust and infatuation and obsession but seldom is it love.
 They end up sleeping with him and once they’re addicted to him they get married and sign a paper just to prove a point. In the end – what they are really seeking is attention from everyone else instead of respect from a man. The reason they choose him is because now that that they’re brainwashed by him – other men no longer take them serious. They will always be a reflection of that man. This is their way of saying “I’m loyal,” but the first person they aren’t loyal to is themselves. If a woman is not loyal to herself – why on earth would a woman think she can change a man to be loyal to her? These type of women believe they can through marriage.
 That’s why even when he cheats they constantly run back to him fighting for his love and heart knowing they’re just rebounds from his ex. They lose their sense of self and identity in him. They no longer know who they are, and the man appreciates the power he has over them because he has not yet matured. These women eventually realize he still misses his ex and they feel threatened and want his ex to hurt because they hurt. Once a man has you where he wants you. He will tell you how much you’re not his ex, and how his exes love was so much better, and so many women try to add up to the ex, even knowing from day one  he was playing them and that’s why they’re willing to hurt the woman he loved to win him because they loved the way he treated his ex, but they never got to know him for him until after marriage.
That’s why it’s a red flag when a man talks down on a woman. Usually a man talks down on a woman because she mattered, and if he can get you to feel sorry for him. He knows he can have power over you, and once sex is compromised he knows he can get you to do whatever he wants knowing he will never love you, but you help him keep a perfect image for society. As women we gotta learn to weed these type of dramatic men out. To me it’s understanding that, and understanding that some men made poor choices in their first marriage and rushed into it with women they didn’t want to marry which makes me empathize with them when they mature and realize they need to set their wives free and rewrite their wrongs in the past. If a man leaves his wife or a wife leaves him. I understand it. I also understand that I deserve a second chance at love and so does a divorced man. It’s not right to hold peoples pasts against them just because they failed at their marriage. It’s not necessarily their marriage they failed at. Sometimes they were never fully in the marriage to begin with. It was their need to impress society instead of themselves that they failed at.
 A lot of people will jump to conclusions about your character when you’re honest about these things. You will learn your friends when you voice your opinions on such subjects. They’re the ones who know you for you – not the ones who try to hurt you for who you’re not to feel better about themselves. Sometimes, I can’t believe I was once so immature in my choice in men, and I looked up to women who settled in marriages for an image as mature and women to take advice from. Inner pain is the worst pain you could ever carry. The older I get the more I want less friends, and more love. Friends will try to turn you into who they want you to be. Love will find you when you’ve accepted who you truly are.

 I speak on marriages both the good side and dark side of it. I don’t need to be married to see both sides. If somebody is not happy in their relationship or marriage. They’re going to find a reason to hate me simply because they’re not happy, and I’ve stayed true to myself. Happy people do not try to hurt others or make up others characters just to protect themselves. People who need a self defense mechanism do. On the other side of toxic marriages and people who married for the wrong reasons there are of course so many wives who married their husbands for the right reasons. These wives are in happy marriages. They’re women who empower other women. They don’t seek out praise or validation. They live and let live because they have faith and trust in their husbands.

Dramatic relationships are very unhealthy. A 40 year old woman should not be being dramatic. When a woman becomes dramatic other women notice her husband simply because she makes it obvious that her husband is not treating her well which enables him to play a victim using her, and other women think they’re coming to rescue her well he fights for them the same way he refuses to fight for her. Some men want a second chance at love and to get it right the second time through. Women do not come into a mans relationship because they’re jealous or can’t have a woman’s man. They come into his relationship because the wife is telling the world she owns the husband, and the husband is basically telling all those women to save him. He often ends up in infidelity and sleeping with them. However, sometimes he realizes they’re no different than his wife and after cheating,  and guilt takes over and he pretends to be a Samaritan and fights to save the marriage. So many women tell girls to leave their cheating boyfriends ; yet condone them when they chase married men who are apparently better. It’s the hypocrisy that nobody listens to.

If women were honest they’d admit they settled with cheating husbands, and worked through their marriage. So who are they to judge a woman who forgives her cheating boyfriend? That’s the problem they do. That’s why women believe all they’re worth sometimes is married men who appear to be the full package. A lot of women have misplaced their feminine energy and started carrying around masculine energy. When looking for a lover be careful about choosing a man just because of the lifestyle the man can provide you. Straight up, you’re telling the man that you’re a gold digger and it’s basically a business relationship. Now when you marry that man in that way. You can’t blame a gold digger for not respecting you when a woman learns that’s the reason you’re with your husband. Like attracts to like.

That man likes you both for the same reason and before marriage he went in a triangle with you, and now after marriage he will go back and fourth between the mistress and the wife. He will only want to be around you both in the phases that feel like a honey moon and constantly avoid you until you stay in that honey moon phase where he knows he has power over you and the upper hand. As women, we really need to stop putting each-other down. A man who has a problem with infidelity will always be happy to see both women in a fight because it makes his cheating that much easier for him. In the end you’re both still losing because the whole time you all are fighting. He is usually looking for a woman who knows nothing about either of you, and that woman is the real threat to the relationship. He will probably fall in love with that one.

People who love and support this drama do it because they want to feel better about their own demons too. You women often complain about what you can’t be and why your life never gets better. All of these things are excuses to not admit your own poor choices in a man, your own poor choices in a husband. Everything is in your mindset. If you think you can find a rich man and use him for a lifestyle to get validation and that somehow things will get better. Well that’s the lifestyle your life will magnify around. The reality is the only thing that will be better is the drama you attract will multiply. How are you going to weather the storm when it multiplies?

Divorce Ahead

 

In your younger years you’re always looking for that fairy-tale, that once in a life-time, that soul-mate, that happily ever-after.

….and then he leaves you dry, leaves you hanging by a thread, leaves you heart broken, leaves you in tears.

 

You think your the rocks at the bottom, and you’ll never find a happy ending, and life will never get better. You get desperate and the first guy who gives you attention is the guy that you settle for. You signed up for this life, and you fight to keep it. You want validation you can keep a relationship. You want validation you can keep a marriage.

Pretty soon – the honeymoon phase is over. Even married, you’re back to square one. How did this happen? You question if he’s faithful to you. You question if you need marriage counseling. You question if you can save this marriage? He no longer disappears and ghosts you and you gotta fight for him to prove that you’re the one he should choose. Now he drifts away on vactions without you, and instead of fighting for him, you already know he chose you, so you’re yelling at him for cheating on you.

Quick Question: Why was this not a problem before you married him, but now it’s a problem because you married him?

The first thing to do is be honest with yourself.  In dating you know that: “Most men aren’t going to give you closure, and that’s something as a woman you’ve gotta give yourself permission to do…move on without it!” You gave yourself that permission back then, but now that he’s your husband you can’t give yourself that permission. You thought you were smart back then when you won him from the other women he had his eyes on, but now that you have him. He only fed your ego. The real deal wasn’t a prize. You think you’ve become more mature, but instead you’re drowning in your own poor choices.

You wish you listened to all the women you thought were jealous of you, instead you cared more that they validated you even if you married him for the wrong reasons. Now here you are married to a man for one reason: “To Share Bills.” You’re aware the divorce rate is around 50% and that scares you. You wonder if he has a mistress. You can’t even trust your own friends around him. You spy on him. You do everything to turn him off. Now he is checking out. You’ve become his regret. He wants to feel alive again.

As much as I should take your marriage seriously. I don’t. You will come up with all types of reasons for why I don’t.

“Oh she wants my man.”
“Oh she’s jealous.”
“Oh she can’t find a man.”

No, I don’t take your marriage seriously for something much more simpler than that.

 “People take you as seriously as you take yourself.”

You didn’t taking picking a husband seriously. So, it’s hard to take you seriously. Now your husband is straying.  You’ve painted him out to be a villain, but you forget the part he’s sharing with the other women. The part where he met you.  The part where you hurt your friend to have him.  The part where you took him from his girlfriend to win the ring. Everyone reaps what they sow, and what you reaped was karma. You knew from day one you weren’t marrying into love, but you were marrying into a competition. Now you finally feel how you made her feel, and now you want the mistress to feel what you made another woman feel.

In general most people want what they can’t have. There was a time you wanted your husband because you couldn’t have him. Understand, that’s why he’s able to cheat because it’s the only love he’s comfortable with. The way you got him is the same way the mistress is able to get him. That’s why you hate her. She’s a reflection of who used to be. You still got the ring, and he might leave you, and she might get the ring too. This is what makes married men so attractive to women.

She only sees he treats you good because that’s what you show the public as your facade. Once upon a time you only saw that he treated the girlfriend good because that’s what she showed the public as a facade. You didn’t see her broken heart of how he was cheating on her with you. You didn’t see her broken heart of how she loved him so much but he was desperate for somebody to fix him. Well, now you’re the wife and you think he owes you something because he chose you. Your mad at the mistress because  she doesn’t see that you deal with the bills, the pain, and the abuse. She’s out here getting the romance, the gifts, and the dates, everything that you think you deserve. In reality what you give out is what you get back. If you wanted that type of a husband. You probably should of been honest from day one about loyalty. But you spent years of your life putting those women down for your own pride.

Now your dragging your husband off to therapy trying to hide the marital affairs and convince yourself you can work together to heal what’s broken. In reality your trust for him will never be the same, and nor was it ever there to begin with. Only your pride was. I wish I could say I respect you for being his wife. I don’t respect you because you’re staying and helping a man hurt another woman the same way you hurt another woman to win him when your marriage started. I wish I could tell you I hope you get a divorce. I instead want to show you how patterns repeat themselves. It takes some people their whole lives to become that honest with themselves. So many people are broken not because their husband started cheating. They’re broken because they chose a man to fix so they don’t have to heal their own demons, and then their demons intertwined into a love affair and that’s why their marriages are toxic.

Now your husband wants out because he finally regrets his past and how he hurt other women with his marriage, and he’s either looking for the honeymoon version of you in everyone else, or he’s looking for the girl who got away. You get back in a mate the standards you put on yourself. You get back in a mate how honest you’re willing to be about yourself and your feelings with your mate. Sometimes you yourself are keeping the past around and making your husband feel insecure, other times you’re letting him control you just to prove that you love him. The one thing you’re not doing is being true to who you are yet you’re expecting him to figure it out when what you want is something different than what he wanted. Now you’re blaming it on miscommunication but if you didn’t marry him you’d be honest that it was a poor choice in a mate.

You now sit there envying the woman you once bullied for not being married all those years you spent in inner pain. Some day may you learn to:

Just

       LOVE PERIOD!
       LOVE enough to LET GO

       Love enough to RESPECT.

       Love enough to Appreciate.

In the end were all figuring our way out in this blessing / curse we called life. It is both a blessing and a curse because there are times of happiness and there are times of sadness. Sometimes were going to be up, and sometimes were going to be down. When were up…we should never be so high and almighty we forget what it’s like to be down. When were down…we should never be so negative that we burden people as if were not appreciating their efforts. Everything goes back to our attitudes in each circumstances. God can give and God can take. In the end….Stay Humble. We all reap what we sow.

Should you relight the spark?

 

You fell in love with a man or you married a man who is acting distant from you, and you’ve tried everything, and he still doesn’t want to communicate with you? If it’s so bad and you’re in a rough patch and you know you messed up. You should probably write your man a letter explaining how he’s your rock, and how you failed to appreciate him when he needed you to be his. A lot of relationships fall a part because you’re putting expectations on him, but you’re forgetting how much he did for you to begin with, and that now it’s your turn to be his rock. A lot of you think love stays how it is in the honemoon phase when actually if you all were lying and acting to get eachother to the bedroom in the beginning. It changes.

Love is work. Love is effort. Love is appreciation. Love is not “I” and love is not “You.” Love is “We” as in “we need eachother.” Until you understand that, you might be a good flirt, you might be somebody easy to sleep with, but you haven’t quite mastered what it means to be marriage material. Men have huge egos and as women we have to understand how to feed them. I know when a woman and a man are in a fight. Often the man feels like he’s been emasculated. If you emasculate a man. He’s going to be upset. He’s going to be resentful towards you. That is one part of a man you should never destroy. Relationships go downhill when you do, and it doesn’t matter the man.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside. In the end it’s how beautiful you’re on the inside. The money you spend on your nails. The money you spend on your hair. That’s all money your man is trying to invest into paying on the house that you’re failing to appreciate. A mans natural duty is a protector and a provider. You can focus on making yourself look good for him, and putting on make-up for hours. In the end most men prefer to see their woman naturally. Statistically proven men marry the woman that they are with when they’re socially ready to get married ; not because it’s the woman they’re in love with. The main reason a man gets married is companionship / friendship. The divorce rate is at 50% for first time marriages, and goes up every marriage after. You chose marriage and you chose a committed relationship. Now you gotta study your partner until you have a degree on them.

One way to turn a man or a woman on is through scents. I believe Vanilla and Lavender are the top scents to use according to experts. I for one am a straight user of Lavender when it comes to male seduction. I will light Lavender candles, wear lavender lotion, but I will never tell the man that’s what I’m doing. In the end sex is part of bonding. A man who feels wanted ends up bonding with you. I also love oils, and I love massages. You can study tantra. The best type of romance is when you’re both down with that. Aromas can set the mood when you feel like you’re drifting a part from your partner like a magic potion.  The problem is you might be so hurt, and your man or your husband might not understand why you’re so turned off by  him at this moment.

 My favourite movie is: “Beauty and the beast.” Do you see how beautiful the BEAST is when he finally takes Belle to the dance floor? He was only tough on the outside, but on the inside he was truly hurting. Sometimes your man / husband may feel the same way about him that you currently feel about him. The man is the head and the woman is the heart. You gotta learn to love people from the inside out, not the outside in. Anybody can look good with money. Beautiful people have sometimes been bruised and become guarded. Sometimes your man has become guarded from you. You’re trying to find out how to relight the spark well being understood at the same time. First things first:
#1. Stop nagging him.
#2. Stop bringing up the past.
 Both those things are turn offs and will turn your man off completely. As a woman you want passion, sensuality, romance, and loving. You feel abandoned. You gotta understand that in the beginning you may have rushed into a relationship and you may have rushed into a marriage. Now things are going to take time. You’re doing all the things you should’ve done before you got together and the trust has to be built. It was never there to begin with. If you love each-other you gotta work on respecting each-other.

If you choose to leave because you feel that there is better out there for you. You need to grow from your mistakes. Love will find you when it finds you. Sometimes love has always been in front of you but because it was respectful love you saw it as rejection and passed it up for attention. Learn to understand the power of patience and Gods love. Don’t ever be in a rush to fight for something god showed you isn’t for you just because others praise you. There is no need for a fake applause on your life. You got one life to get love right and hopefully your desire is to get your marriage right. Somewhere in the world is a man GOD is growing into your perfect king. When you understand the power of GOD. You understand the duty of growth. Only when GOD says it’s time is it ever time. The rest is settling for mediocrity. Beautiful love is worth waiting for especially when you know how beautiful a person you’re in your heart. Don’t let somebody break you when you’ve healed yourself to be whole!

 

 

 

 

Ex Boyfriend in my thoughts

“Oops…I called my ex again last night to see him…” and then I stood him up by falling a sleep. He probably thinks I just bailed. This is why I can’t do nor keep relationships. Thank God for his little mercies. I feel like I got desperate and all I wanted was to have sex with him again. Is this how a man thinks? Am I that lost my brain has turned to where I act and react like a man? I feel like I need to feel loved. I feel like I needed attention. I know if I went back to him ; there’s a high chance I would end up pregnant again. The only thing a man could want in night time dating is a: “booty call.” I want to stay celibate. I want to keep on my halo. The problem is: I’m human. My body has needs. I can know all the right things to wait for. I can know what a good man is. In the end, I’ll still run back to comfort.

 “I’m living like Cinderella…Prince Charming come find me.” I tell myself that daily. I want to give you advice on how to move on from your ex, but how can I, when I still got lost in my ex? I know he’s not coming back for a relationship and the only thing he has to offer me is a situation-ship. Yet I crave it. Yet I crave him. Yet, I hate the drama, but at the same time I’m addicted to it.  I guess he’s my choice of a drug. I’d tell everyone else how toxic and unhealthy it is, but when it comes to myself. All I want is to be in passionate madness with him.

My emotions are taking over my logic. Where is my common sense?

 I know that: “What’s meant to be will always be, and what’s not meant to be will never be.”

Sometimes in life you can love somebody who is gone, you can stay loyal to somebody who is not there.  It’s like you’ve become afraid of happiness, and you’ve settled with mediocrity believing there is no such thing as a happy ending. I guess that’s where I am. How do you heal from the pain? How do you move past the broken heart?

I know I need to accept that the past is gone. I know I need to grow from this experience, and some day be on a page where I can empathize with others in the same situation. I’m in this healing process, and well I am. I got people making up my lifestyle, and it hurts. I’m not dating at all, at night when I turn off the lights. I still go to bed alone.

I meet new men sometimes and they seem like a catch, but in reality they’re just potentials. I don’t know them past the facade. Am I afraid to take a leap of faith? Is my own fear stopping me from loving them? Those are some justifications I’ve heard for why we find a place in our growth process where we no longer let love in. In reality as I’ve healed from the past….my standards in a man have increased. I look at a man now, and I’ve grown and I realize I’m not on his level of games anymore.

 This is when I turn to prayer. This is when I turn to GOD. I can see him pushing me harder and harder to work harder and harder and give the rest to him. When I talk about love these days. I’m not clouded by it. I’m just more realistic towards it. So many people are clouded in an image. The image doesn’t exist. Love will happen in any authentic way. You can’t control it. You can’t force it. It’s all in God’s timing.  You may ask:
“Why do you want your ex back then?”

“Why do you want to run back and sleep with your ex then?”

It’s simple my ex is my last memory. Memories don’t just fade. A lot of times people find a rebound and block out their ex. I’m not blocking my ex out. I’m facing the heartache and facing the heartache is forcing me to heal it. If I were to jump into a new relationship right now. I’d just carry the baggage with him over to that relationship before it’s healed.

  The crazy thing about living in the present is you learn to be logical about the future and you come to accept that fairytales don’t exist. The person I end up with can literally be a divorced person who is currently married now. The list goes on. Taboo right? Part of finding happiness is accepting that the facade is not real, and sometimes the facade is the nightmare. You gotta learn to let go of your ego. You gotta learn to drop your pride. In the end your spouse and you is all you will have. You want to make sure you end up with a person who understands you, not just uses you to show you off. The crowd won’t be there forever. You won’t look young forever.  You gotta make sure you’re connected in your souls.

  The length of a relationship means absolutely nothing on how healthy a couple is together even if that couple is married. Sometimes it just means two people who share the same demons who find comfort in being toxic together. My bible says: “Don’t covet.” You have no clue what lies behind the mask of the picture that is being portrayed. Just breathe. Just live life. I think that when you meet the person you think you’re destined to be with it’s important to be: “Friends first.”

This way you can study them like your favourite piece of artwork and make sure that you complement each-other well. I think it’s important to accept that the person you match with may have a past, but if you have a past too….why does their past matter? Court eachother. If you can relate there’s a chance you’re both in a stage of maturity and can help eachother climb into the next chapter of life. All of life is a growth process. A man is going to change for a woman he truly wants and not because she is fixing him, but because he knows she’s the best he has ever found, and he does it freely. He will fear losing her.  Sometimes you and your ex are going to drift a part and maybe in the future meet again. Life is a journey. You just gotta ride the waves of it.

 

 

 

Would I Marry A Christian Man?

It depends.

I grew up in the faith, but out of all my siblings. I’m pretty much one of the few who stuck in the faith which is pretty ironic.

I discovered freedom away from the faith and even after the freedom. I still returned to the faith.

I’m a praying woman. I think that when you’ve experienced the faith, and the falling from grace. It opens your eyes to see yourself more than others, and you’re more likely to open the door to a non religious person, but once they don’t understand your values. Conflicts arise.

I also think when you open the door to a religious person, they can’t accept the part in your story where you weren’t saved, and often want to change you. I don’t mean just change you. I literally mean change everything about you and make you forget who you are because every part of your story is a part of you period.

It’s a whole contradiction of a way to live.

I will fall in love with who I fall in love with and if you’ve followed my journey to love. You would be shocked to know the type of men I fall for.

Everything you expect from me is everything I’m not. I fall in love for what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

I don’t believe religion and spirituality has anything to do with it. I don’t fall in love with a man for his walk with God. I fall in love with a man because he sees what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

The rest is a challenge, but all relationships are a challenge.

It says in the Bible that the two should be equally yolked and in marriage become one flesh. So, I understand how Christians will judge me for my answer.

However, I never once ran around saying: “I’m saved”….nor did I ever feel that church was the best place to find a man.” I think some of the best actors go to church.

There are so many unrealistic expectations people hold me to when they see I read the Bible or go to church or whatever else I do.

I think people misunderstand how humble a person I truly am. I just like reading everyone’s assumptions because I don’t put myself out in a way that says “You have to like me!” I’m actually surprised when people still do.

I think people expect me to be married or something too, and then I’m not, and they wonder why I can’t keep a man.

It’s all these expectations people put on us for how we should be. When they can’t figure it out. They make it up.

I’m just me human…..and I can’t help who I fall in love with even if the rest of the world doesn’t agree with it.

The fact of the matter is some of us are gonna be Angelina Jolie falling for married men unexpectedly and play the second wife, some of us are going to be Michelle Obama the smart girl who married the geek and ended up the president’s wife struggling with infertility as she wrote in her book. Some of us are going to be Hillary Clinton, went to college with our husband who practically cheats on us our whole marriage but we stick with him regardless if the alleged rumours are true. Some of us are going to be Melania not looking for the spotlight just being ourselves and hoping to find a fairytale being a man’s young third wife and a first lady. You get my drift. Nobody plans it. The older you get the more you realize the fairytale doesn’t exist.

I mean we can all live in fantasy with how perfect we all are but in reality this is life. I don’t know who I’ll end up with….maybe the next pastor…maybe your husband. Just being honest.

Why I’m Single

I’m tired of explaining to people why I’m single. I’m single because I had a poor taste in men. I chose men I thought I could fix rather than men who were right for me. I wasn’t confident in myself yet. I was selfish and I didn’t know how to forgive. I thought about myself and not about the fact that it was my decision to date broken men. I dated men who broke me down with them. I take full responsibility for my choices. It takes two to tango.

I am single because I continued on in those destructive patterns until I turned my life back to God. I am no longer in a place of hurt, resentment, or frustration towards the past I can’t change.

I’m more in a place of forgiveness and compassion because I understand how much God has intervened in my life, and how much people in my past still need him to intervene in theirs. I feel that I often wanted to live Godly with Ungodly men, and it never worked out. In the end I would compromise myself, and they would not understand me. We’d clash until we’d break up. It took forgiving myself for my choices to forgive those who hurt me in them. In the end – I made those choices.

I made a choice to love men I knew weren’t ready for love. I made the choice to set a bad example of what love is to those who look up to me and follow me. I failed so many people with my choices in my past. I still rather get up from my falls in life humbly.

I also failed myself.

Today, I’m single because I learned what LOVE is, and I don’t covet anybody else’s definition of love. I understand that we all have our own authentic story to find, to hold, and to blossom. It’s up to GOD who I end up with.

I’m single because I have other priorities and the best form of healing is not looking for love but looking for yourself and who you’re in GOD. I truly believe that when were obedient to GOD first. He comes to bless us with his promises we never saw coming. Looking for love can sometimes just be lust. However, when you do the right things to be loyal to yourself well you’re single – you eventually attract into your life exactly what you are.

We often settle in love because we won’t change ourselves. I learned that and I changed that in myself. If you attract the wrong type of love to you – there is something in you that’s attracting it. I learned that LOVE isn’t the end goal.

We often fall in love with the idea of a person or the idea of love. We forget to fall in love with the person as a whole. We forget to comprehend love as a whole.

Love is an ingredient that GOD decides to give us when he decides were ready for it. Before GOD gives us a YES… we need to learn to accept his NO.

I would rather be with a husband I can allow to feel special than be with a husband who wonders constantly if I’m still in love with my ex. Once I realized that – it became so important to me to learn how to self-love. You can’t give in love love that you haven’t already given to yourself. Broken people break each-other into destructive love patterns.

I’m single because I believe that marriage is truly sacred, and I don’t want to experiment with it for a piece of paper that means nothing except for in Facebook pictures to look like a power couple. I want love that’s real and true.

Patience is a virtue. Blessings come to those who wait!

There are many good people that I might find myself attracted to. Just because somebody appears good doesn’t mean they’re good for me. We can make all the lists in the world on what a good man or a good woman is. In the end it has to fit with who we are and the goals we have in our future.

In the end our mind and heart will still go to war and one of them will always win out. I hope that I end up married to a man my father taught me to look for because the values that are instilled into us are the ones we should carry because our parents always want what’s best for us.

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