A lot of times women who can’t find a man are following what I like to refer to as MEDIOCRITY! They’re following their friends, looking at the husbands and boyfriends of their friends, and thinking they’re not good enough as long as they end up with a man like that and often end up chasing UNAVAILABLE MEN. This path is failure and creates self-heartache. They end up falling in love with UNAVAILABLE MEN.
Finding a boyfriend or a man to have sex with you is easy. Everyone wants what comes easy, but find a KING… that takes self work, that takes growth, that takes healing, that takes a transformation. That takes finding the best version of yourself.
I wrote myself a letter to my FUTURE HUSBAND. It goes like this:
I’m not what you’re used to.
My father instilled into me a strength of character. My mother instilled into me a golden heart.
I’m so empathetic you’ll accuse me of ulterior motives and your perspectives are based on your environments and experiences and have nothing to do with me.
Hurt people hurt people and in my life I crave only peace so go find healing before you come to interrupt my focus.
I’m surrounded by people who love me and I don’t need your validation. I’m not afraid to walk away from disrespect because I respect me first. If that hurts your pride … Then I’m sorry for your broken heart but life is a process and maybe I need to break yours to help you evolve into the man God wants you to be. Go transform. You show me what I lost by becoming a better man integrity, humility, remorse. Putting women in my face , making me jealous turns me off because my loyalty is hard to come by. So walk away…there’s the door. I don’t chase disrespect. I chase peace.
But if you choose to stay…tell me your goals, your ambitions, your values, and own why your past relationships failed without blaming the women. Tell me what you learned from your mistakes. Tell me your plan to change them and why my life would be better with you than without you and if you can’t show me your scars…please walk away. I can’t be a team with someone who can’t be real.
I could be like everyone else seeking a man just to have someone, but I know my worth in God. So I choose to set you free while I find myself until I get where God wants me and the man has no second guesses I’m his! You’ll never know if you’re ready…nobody is ever ready…but unless you see me as the woman you’re willing to rise up to my standards and lead then I gotta let you go… And if you can’t understand everything I just said. I won’t make the mistake of marrying you… Because marriage is sacred, the ultimate commitment you make in front of God and not one I’ll take lightly. I rather help you grow than choose you before you’re ready to make that commitment.
I guess you clicked on this for wisdom on how to fool a man into a marriage you don’t want to stay in. I still haven’t found my husband. I think the best advice I can give you or any single woman is fall back in love with yourself, heal yourself, transform into the authentic woman you want to attract a real man. Once you build it your husband will be there. That’s the wisdom that was given to me by married people who are successful!
I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!
People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.
It hurts me to see the girls men I loved in my past have replaced me with. I feel like the world wants me to see women who took my ex from me as a bad person. How can a woman take an ex from me if a man was never committed to me to begin with, and that’s why he decided to cheat on me? People cheat because they don’t feel committed. They feel that they can still find better. Clearly, the man cheated because he thought those girls were better. I guess I can call them empty women and women who did their best to destroy my family and what I should rightfully of called mine and married into. The crazy part is they accepted the fact that they were more able to relate to a broken man than a whole man. Why can’t I do the same? In the end everything happens for a reason.
Yes, in the end my ex will probably put those women through the same things he put me through. Just like if I end up with a divorced or separated man – chances are he will put me through the same things he put his wife through. Why couldn’t my ex fix it with me? Why couldn’t those husbands who move on fix it with their wives? Sometimes in life people just move forwards and it doesn’t mean that it won’t work out. It’s peoples idea of what a perfect picture looks like that makes them think that if it works out for you it will ruin their own perception of what happiness is. Since when is it somebody’s business how somebody else chooses to live?
Divorce is part of life.
I speak on marriages both the good side and dark side of it. I don’t need to be married to see both sides. If somebody is not happy in their relationship or marriage. They’re going to find a reason to hate me simply because they’re not happy, and I’ve stayed true to myself. Happy people do not try to hurt others or make up others characters just to protect themselves. People who need a self defense mechanism do. On the other side of toxic marriages and people who married for the wrong reasons there are of course so many wives who married their husbands for the right reasons. These wives are in happy marriages. They’re women who empower other women. They don’t seek out praise or validation. They live and let live because they have faith and trust in their husbands.
Dramatic relationships are very unhealthy. A 40 year old woman should not be being dramatic. When a woman becomes dramatic other women notice her husband simply because she makes it obvious that her husband is not treating her well which enables him to play a victim using her, and other women think they’re coming to rescue her well he fights for them the same way he refuses to fight for her. Some men want a second chance at love and to get it right the second time through. Women do not come into a mans relationship because they’re jealous or can’t have a woman’s man. They come into his relationship because the wife is telling the world she owns the husband, and the husband is basically telling all those women to save him. He often ends up in infidelity and sleeping with them. However, sometimes he realizes they’re no different than his wife and after cheating, and guilt takes over and he pretends to be a Samaritan and fights to save the marriage. So many women tell girls to leave their cheating boyfriends ; yet condone them when they chase married men who are apparently better. It’s the hypocrisy that nobody listens to.
If women were honest they’d admit they settled with cheating husbands, and worked through their marriage. So who are they to judge a woman who forgives her cheating boyfriend? That’s the problem they do. That’s why women believe all they’re worth sometimes is married men who appear to be the full package. A lot of women have misplaced their feminine energy and started carrying around masculine energy. When looking for a lover be careful about choosing a man just because of the lifestyle the man can provide you. Straight up, you’re telling the man that you’re a gold digger and it’s basically a business relationship. Now when you marry that man in that way. You can’t blame a gold digger for not respecting you when a woman learns that’s the reason you’re with your husband. Like attracts to like.
That man likes you both for the same reason and before marriage he went in a triangle with you, and now after marriage he will go back and fourth between the mistress and the wife. He will only want to be around you both in the phases that feel like a honey moon and constantly avoid you until you stay in that honey moon phase where he knows he has power over you and the upper hand. As women, we really need to stop putting each-other down. A man who has a problem with infidelity will always be happy to see both women in a fight because it makes his cheating that much easier for him. In the end you’re both still losing because the whole time you all are fighting. He is usually looking for a woman who knows nothing about either of you, and that woman is the real threat to the relationship. He will probably fall in love with that one.
People who love and support this drama do it because they want to feel better about their own demons too. You women often complain about what you can’t be and why your life never gets better. All of these things are excuses to not admit your own poor choices in a man, your own poor choices in a husband. Everything is in your mindset. If you think you can find a rich man and use him for a lifestyle to get validation and that somehow things will get better. Well that’s the lifestyle your life will magnify around. The reality is the only thing that will be better is the drama you attract will multiply. How are you going to weather the storm when it multiplies?
In your younger years you’re always looking for that fairy-tale, that once in a life-time, that soul-mate, that happily ever-after.
….and then he leaves you dry, leaves you hanging by a thread, leaves you heart broken, leaves you in tears.
You think your the rocks at the bottom, and you’ll never find a happy ending, and life will never get better. You get desperate and the first guy who gives you attention is the guy that you settle for. You signed up for this life, and you fight to keep it. You want validation you can keep a relationship. You want validation you can keep a marriage.
Pretty soon – the honeymoon phase is over. Even married, you’re back to square one. How did this happen? You question if he’s faithful to you. You question if you need marriage counseling. You question if you can save this marriage? He no longer disappears and ghosts you and you gotta fight for him to prove that you’re the one he should choose. Now he drifts away on vactions without you, and instead of fighting for him, you already know he chose you, so you’re yelling at him for cheating on you.
Quick Question: Why was this not a problem before you married him, but now it’s a problem because you married him?
The first thing to do is be honest with yourself. In dating you know that: “Most men aren’t going to give you closure, and that’s something as a woman you’ve gotta give yourself permission to do…move on without it!” You gave yourself that permission back then, but now that he’s your husband you can’t give yourself that permission. You thought you were smart back then when you won him from the other women he had his eyes on, but now that you have him. He only fed your ego. The real deal wasn’t a prize. You think you’ve become more mature, but instead you’re drowning in your own poor choices.
You wish you listened to all the women you thought were jealous of you, instead you cared more that they validated you even if you married him for the wrong reasons. Now here you are married to a man for one reason: “To Share Bills.” You’re aware the divorce rate is around 50% and that scares you. You wonder if he has a mistress. You can’t even trust your own friends around him. You spy on him. You do everything to turn him off. Now he is checking out. You’ve become his regret. He wants to feel alive again.
As much as I should take your marriage seriously. I don’t. You will come up with all types of reasons for why I don’t.
“Oh she wants my man.”
“Oh she’s jealous.”
“Oh she can’t find a man.”
No, I don’t take your marriage seriously for something much more simpler than that.
“People take you as seriously as you take yourself.”
You didn’t taking picking a husband seriously. So, it’s hard to take you seriously. Now your husband is straying. You’ve painted him out to be a villain, but you forget the part he’s sharing with the other women. The part where he met you. The part where you hurt your friend to have him. The part where you took him from his girlfriend to win the ring. Everyone reaps what they sow, and what you reaped was karma. You knew from day one you weren’t marrying into love, but you were marrying into a competition. Now you finally feel how you made her feel, and now you want the mistress to feel what you made another woman feel.
In general most people want what they can’t have. There was a time you wanted your husband because you couldn’t have him. Understand, that’s why he’s able to cheat because it’s the only love he’s comfortable with. The way you got him is the same way the mistress is able to get him. That’s why you hate her. She’s a reflection of who used to be. You still got the ring, and he might leave you, and she might get the ring too. This is what makes married men so attractive to women.
She only sees he treats you good because that’s what you show the public as your facade. Once upon a time you only saw that he treated the girlfriend good because that’s what she showed the public as a facade. You didn’t see her broken heart of how he was cheating on her with you. You didn’t see her broken heart of how she loved him so much but he was desperate for somebody to fix him. Well, now you’re the wife and you think he owes you something because he chose you. Your mad at the mistress because she doesn’t see that you deal with the bills, the pain, and the abuse. She’s out here getting the romance, the gifts, and the dates, everything that you think you deserve. In reality what you give out is what you get back. If you wanted that type of a husband. You probably should of been honest from day one about loyalty. But you spent years of your life putting those women down for your own pride.
Now your dragging your husband off to therapy trying to hide the marital affairs and convince yourself you can work together to heal what’s broken. In reality your trust for him will never be the same, and nor was it ever there to begin with. Only your pride was. I wish I could say I respect you for being his wife. I don’t respect you because you’re staying and helping a man hurt another woman the same way you hurt another woman to win him when your marriage started. I wish I could tell you I hope you get a divorce. I instead want to show you how patterns repeat themselves. It takes some people their whole lives to become that honest with themselves. So many people are broken not because their husband started cheating. They’re broken because they chose a man to fix so they don’t have to heal their own demons, and then their demons intertwined into a love affair and that’s why their marriages are toxic.
Now your husband wants out because he finally regrets his past and how he hurt other women with his marriage, and he’s either looking for the honeymoon version of you in everyone else, or he’s looking for the girl who got away. You get back in a mate the standards you put on yourself. You get back in a mate how honest you’re willing to be about yourself and your feelings with your mate. Sometimes you yourself are keeping the past around and making your husband feel insecure, other times you’re letting him control you just to prove that you love him. The one thing you’re not doing is being true to who you are yet you’re expecting him to figure it out when what you want is something different than what he wanted. Now you’re blaming it on miscommunication but if you didn’t marry him you’d be honest that it was a poor choice in a mate.
You now sit there envying the woman you once bullied for not being married all those years you spent in inner pain. Some day may you learn to:
LOVE enough to LET GO
Love enough to RESPECT.
Love enough to Appreciate.
In the end were all figuring our way out in this blessing / curse we called life. It is both a blessing and a curse because there are times of happiness and there are times of sadness. Sometimes were going to be up, and sometimes were going to be down. When were up…we should never be so high and almighty we forget what it’s like to be down. When were down…we should never be so negative that we burden people as if were not appreciating their efforts. Everything goes back to our attitudes in each circumstances. God can give and God can take. In the end….Stay Humble. We all reap what we sow.
So you want him back?
I bet your in love with somebody who replaced you. Now he’s telling you how he don’t need you anymore. He’s telling you how he’s too busy for you. He’s telling you how he’s happy with somebody else. He’s telling you how he found somebody better. You haven’t even had time to mourn the break-up.
The lies. The games. The mess he’s playing with your emotions. He’s not being clear and he’s giving you false hope.
He wants to make you JEALOUS hoping he gets some sort of reaction you still want him.
It’s called a man who is smooth.
It’s called a man who is a player.
He fools you that the other woman is special ; meanwhile he had you convinced that you were special.
I bet he’s attractive…ughh… can I hear the word CHARMER?
You just gotta move forwards. Some people come into your life as simply a lesson.
What you should do in those situations is become vulnerable. Don’t let your pride and ego get in the way. Love sometimes means to be vulnerable and when you’re both in that space you can discuss your unmet needs and maybe care about resolving them and appreciating each-other again.
It’s like people tend to create dramatic scenarios and it’s almost no wonder people cheat on them. I know one thing about a man. The day you took him to your pastor/marriage therapist was the same day he started leaving the marriage. I know one thing about women….the day she started cussing you out was the same day she was telling you she needs reassurance again.
Love and hate are both passion. You both gotta learn to communicate better period. All this other stuff is you two growing a part.
The rest dramatic.
Things can resolve with appreciation from the woman, reassurance from the man, effective communication. When you love people ..you don’t find their flaws. You show them their strengths. People change when respect is given and reciprocated. The rest of the time you all might as well go your separate ways. It won’t get better. It will only get better if you see yourself too. Most you all only see your spouse. My sentiments on that.
In Christianity and churches were taught that porn is the new drug taking over people’s marriages.
In the real world called: “SOCIETY” people say they’d rather their husband watch porn than cheat.
Marriage classes now teach spouses how to re-find intimacy with each-other.
I think the real problem is a lack of communication.
The sex culture we now live in has made people get married based off of lust and infatuation ; rather than love and respect.
Once the hone-moon phase of a relationship or marriage is complete. Insecurities begin to ride the relationships.
What do you all think?
I personally disagree that porn destroys marriages. I think the husband who struggles with porn addiction is the one who is used to having his sex needs met, and all of a sudden they’re not being met. I think in order to not cheat on his wife he turns to porn. The wife then catches him watching porn runs to the pastor or marital counselor with it and now it’s a big issue.
I personally do agree that porn is inappropriate and destroys lives and some people who get a hold of it turn into Ted Bundy.
To put everyone in the same category as him is extremely delusional. Especially a husband whose trying not to be unfaithful to his wife.
I think you need to analyze the situation in a whole before you jump to conclusions about your partner and his porn addiction.
How I feel towards women who date my exes:
In order to actually be like me: You gotta know how to stand up for what you believe in without compromising yourself for a man!!!
You think you won, but little do you know – I told him to keep you! It hurt for a bit, but over time as I’ve healed. I’ve come to the realization that me and him were
In the end that’s why I’m still in his head, and you’re still here hating hating, funny thing is I’ve been long gone.
Why did you want to take my place so badly?
I now have the whole world to enjoy – I can now search for my true match.
The only person you ever saw in him was me – why did you want him just because of how you saw him treat me?
It’s hard not to love myself when I know you continually follow my lead to a good man instead of discovering your own path.
Well you’re getting frustrated, angry, resentful. I want to feel bad for you and this karma that you sowed for yourself. I instead I’m praying for you because you think this is all that you’re worth.
The way he treats you. I will never allow a man to treat me.
I wish sometimes you had a father figure to show you that the way he loves you is not the way a man loves.
I am a fan of Tyrese and his music if you haven’t learned by now, but every day him and his ex wife are in the tabloids for a crazy custody battle. Celebrities are always interesting to watch. Tyrese and his ex wife and child’s mother have one of the craziest custody battles I ever had. He’s now with his new wife who is the father of his new child. I think she’s beautiful and I admire the fact that she is a social worker and an advocate for human trafficking.
I wish I could be on Tyrese’s side on this one, but pulling his child out of Soccer until she gets her grades up? What if that’s the place that gives her the most confidence? I thought schools already had things in place where you have to get good grades to be on a school sports team anyways. I don’t understand why they have to keep going to court for their disagreements. I think they should learn to get a long and be co-parents in general. I feel like he just wants full custody of his daughter and is trying to impress his wife that he wasn’t the problem in his past marriage? What are your thoughts?
I co-parent with my baby father and it’s been a long journey to healing, but we finally get a long quite well.
You fell in love with a man or you married a man who is acting distant from you, and you’ve tried everything, and he still doesn’t want to communicate with you? If it’s so bad and you’re in a rough patch and you know you messed up. You should probably write your man a letter explaining how he’s your rock, and how you failed to appreciate him when he needed you to be his. A lot of relationships fall a part because you’re putting expectations on him, but you’re forgetting how much he did for you to begin with, and that now it’s your turn to be his rock. A lot of you think love stays how it is in the honemoon phase when actually if you all were lying and acting to get eachother to the bedroom in the beginning. It changes.
Love is work. Love is effort. Love is appreciation. Love is not “I” and love is not “You.” Love is “We” as in “we need eachother.” Until you understand that, you might be a good flirt, you might be somebody easy to sleep with, but you haven’t quite mastered what it means to be marriage material. Men have huge egos and as women we have to understand how to feed them. I know when a woman and a man are in a fight. Often the man feels like he’s been emasculated. If you emasculate a man. He’s going to be upset. He’s going to be resentful towards you. That is one part of a man you should never destroy. Relationships go downhill when you do, and it doesn’t matter the man.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside. In the end it’s how beautiful you’re on the inside. The money you spend on your nails. The money you spend on your hair. That’s all money your man is trying to invest into paying on the house that you’re failing to appreciate. A mans natural duty is a protector and a provider. You can focus on making yourself look good for him, and putting on make-up for hours. In the end most men prefer to see their woman naturally. Statistically proven men marry the woman that they are with when they’re socially ready to get married ; not because it’s the woman they’re in love with. The main reason a man gets married is companionship / friendship. The divorce rate is at 50% for first time marriages, and goes up every marriage after. You chose marriage and you chose a committed relationship. Now you gotta study your partner until you have a degree on them.
One way to turn a man or a woman on is through scents. I believe Vanilla and Lavender are the top scents to use according to experts. I for one am a straight user of Lavender when it comes to male seduction. I will light Lavender candles, wear lavender lotion, but I will never tell the man that’s what I’m doing. In the end sex is part of bonding. A man who feels wanted ends up bonding with you. I also love oils, and I love massages. You can study tantra. The best type of romance is when you’re both down with that. Aromas can set the mood when you feel like you’re drifting a part from your partner like a magic potion. The problem is you might be so hurt, and your man or your husband might not understand why you’re so turned off by him at this moment.
If you choose to leave because you feel that there is better out there for you. You need to grow from your mistakes. Love will find you when it finds you. Sometimes love has always been in front of you but because it was respectful love you saw it as rejection and passed it up for attention. Learn to understand the power of patience and Gods love. Don’t ever be in a rush to fight for something god showed you isn’t for you just because others praise you. There is no need for a fake applause on your life. You got one life to get love right and hopefully your desire is to get your marriage right. Somewhere in the world is a man GOD is growing into your perfect king. When you understand the power of GOD. You understand the duty of growth. Only when GOD says it’s time is it ever time. The rest is settling for mediocrity. Beautiful love is worth waiting for especially when you know how beautiful a person you’re in your heart. Don’t let somebody break you when you’ve healed yourself to be whole!