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A Letter To Mom

It’s painful knowing the only way I can speak to my mom now is through journals. It’s devastating knowing I will never see her smile or hear her voice again. I’ve kept myself so busy so that I don’t have to think about the fact I no longer have a mom. We all think our moms will be with us until were 50. I lost my mom at the age of 30. My youngest brother lost his mom at the age of 20. He’s only 20. I not only have to be strong for myself but for my siblings too. Everybody is hurting. Our mother used to always tell us every day how much she loved us.

As I went to her final memorial service that was held here. I met so many people that genuinely loved my mom from the deepest parts of their hearts. I try so hard not to think about it and focus on other things. I sat in the room filled with people who knew my mom for over 30 years. I watched elderly men crying. I have never seen so many tears in elderly mens eyes. I watched mothers torn like they lost my mother as a mother too. I saw all the unconditional love that surrounded my mom.

The tears were so much for me to bear around me because I did not want to cry again. I still felt to give them all a hug because I knew they were finally processing what I spent all week processing and still can’t come to terms with. I know my mother saw them all as her family too. My mother never had a real family growing up. She was part of the 60’s scoops movement. She only met her family as an adult. I think we need to speak up more on those topics. To me we were all family in the room that day related by blood or not.

It really touched my heart to see all the people who loved our mom. Those people were near and dear to my mom ; therefore they’re near and dear to us. It was very hard for my mom when all her children grew up into adulthood. She never let any of us go. All I wanted to do was give each and every last person a hug for giving her a place she could smile. I know they all miss her as much as we do. My mom treated everyone like her family period.

This was one of my letters I wrote to my mom that I wish I could give her but can only hope she’s reading it from heaven. One of the ladies told me to picture my mom upstairs in heaven in a purple robe. One of the men told me we all go somewhere after we die.. and we’ll all meet again in heaven. My mom really role-modeled the right way to live to me. She taught me to have compassion for all people.

Dear Mommy,

You’re my strength that pulls me through each difficult day. You’re my courage that makes me believe in a brighter day. You’re my hero when the world is against me. You’re my rock when I need a shoulder to cry on.

May I always be a fighter like you? May I always have a heart of gold like you? May I always have a unconditional loving heart with forgiveness for all people like you? XOXO.

I wish you were still here to see the gift my brother and I were working on for your birthday. At least you saw us start.

I wish you were here to see everything my siblings and I are trying to do in honour of your memory and the mark you left upon our lives.

I know you smile down on us from heaven now.

Love Always,

Your daughter.



What Is Love?

“Sometimes you have to be cold to be honest in order to stay firm in your morals. People might not always like the harsh truth, but I wouldn’t be true to myself and to others if I just kept watching without speaking up. It’s called sincerity.

You have to look out for those who you see as family. Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they hate you. My father always told me: “If you know you meant well in your heart. God will take care of the rest. You just make sure you do your part. The truth will reveal itself in time.” 

That was a note I wrote in my journal after a bad break up with a man I spent much time with.

I woke up this morning and I asked myself a question we all ponder from time to time. I asked myself: “What is Love?” Is it what we see in the movies? It is the advice of our parents? Is it how we feel when were with somebody special? I like to create myself this illusion that TRUE LOVE is when you can spend 100 years together like the song: “Hundred More Years,” by singer and songwriter Francesca Battistelli. This is a song that melts my heart and makes me believe in happy endings.

These days I more or less listen to Ed Sheeran and his song “Perfect,” as well as his song “Thinking Out Loud.” I think of meeting my husband well we dance to it at our wedding for our first dance. Oh how it lights up my heart with false hope, but it keeps me hopeful for a happy ending. Artists are truly a gift to us creating fantasy in our empty and broken hearts that we long to share with somebody but sometimes fear takes over and so do other peoples opinions.

People say: “Look at that couple over there. They got it so right.” Behind closed doors that couple fights every day. People say: “Love is to be to be like that couple.” The couple they look at in admiration secretly wishes they never got married. They’re just playing a role manipulating and controlling people and their partners to save the image. People say: “I want that love.” They turn a blind eye to the fact that that love is a facade. A facade to keep power, status, friendship, and careers. It’s a love ruled by ego. It’s a love ruled by pride.

People say LOVE is a place to search for happiness, and some type of fairy-tale ending. People say love is a place to put your guard up. They often create a list of a soul-mate that is unattainable. People say that LOVE is to control your partner and to demand perfection. They often just want to tell their friends / family how perfect you are meanwhile behind closed doors they’re crying so many tears because they can’t add up to you or their ideal list.

People say LOVE is to deserve MR. and Mrs. right – whatever is that? People say love is to find a connection, and somebody that you’re compatible with. They say that you must go on a romantic date and all the stars must align sort of similar to astrology. People say that love is those butterflies you feel in your stomach that offer intense feelings. People say that love is sex to show loyalty and that that’s the only person you’re with because you desire them.

These same people never ever even discusses the future. They just lived in the present, and then the future changed. People chase all types of love languages, and always leave more empty than before. Often times people stay in inward misery playing a role for a marriage just to get praise from others, meanwhile feeling negatively about themselves and making their partners feel negative about themselves.

They even say that love is lying just to protect your partners feelings by speaking only positive things to your spouse or significant other but avoiding true honesty and true intimacy. Every single day we wake up this is the love the world wants us to live up to and find. This is the love were taught to change through things like social media and magazines. It’s almost like they teach women it’s important to be skinny or to have a big booty because those are the models that are put on covers to show beauty. Anything else – we are made to believe that something is wrong with us. Were targeted and body shamed.

When we have standards and want authentic love ; were put down. Were called everything that were not and our vulnerabilities are preyed upon. Our past is brought up. Our flaws are no longer hidden. They’re out in the open and were made to believe that were not lovable and nobody would ever want us.

I could take all those bricks that have been thrown at me over the years. I could take all that advice that I never found genuine too. I could cry me a river. I could play me a victim card. I could settle and do what they tell me to do with my heart. I choose instead to search to GOD for all the answers to life’s mystery and find my own philosophy. I choose to take the hurt, the heartache, the betrayal, and the rejection. It strengthens me into becoming the best version of myself. It is all of this facing of my own demons and conquering them that gives me strength to overcome, to stand-still, and to heal.

When you know and understand that there is a higher power who looks out for you. You don’t need to do like everybody else – not even everybody else in the church. If something doesn’t feel right to me and my conscience. I know it’s not from GOD, and I let it go – so what is LOVE?

To many I’m not qualified to answer such a question due to their perceptions on how they want to live their life. I haven given enough logical reasons why I think they’re not qualified to answer the question despite the fact they often hide behind miserable marriages for years faking happiness that makes them look like they are qualified. To me wanting to live their life is misery too. Misery loves company because it supports poor choices that people have settled in and want to be accepted for. Dare to DREAM BIGGER? Dare to WANT MORE?

The bible definition of love says that Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is LONG-SUFFERING. Love keeps no record of wrongs. You can find the rest in 1 Corinthians 13. I think we all know that verse whether we are christian or not. It is the verse that shows us how Jesus loved us that we desire to live up to but can’t. Jesus is God ; therefore he is perfect. We are only human, and imperfect. I don’t think any of us can ever live up to this standard of love. Were emotional. We have bad experiences in our lives. We’ve all made mistakes. We all need forgiveness. So what’s love?

I ask myself that all the time because I hear all the definitions of others, but they pretty much use the word and throw it around. They throw it around to pretend to be loyal, and to create broken hearts not just to others, but also to themselves. They often lead each-other down heart-breaking paths.

Paths where lies are what begin to keep them together, and then one day they catch each-other and wonder what happened. Fights, quarrels, and escalated circumstances. In reality things went wrong since day one due to polished up pretty paintings. Never the truth. The fights often go like this: ” You cheated on me.” or “You lied to me.” Sex is often in place so it’s easy to know their partners weaknesses enough to turn each story into some white lie version of a story that’s believable. Again in the name of protecting their partners feelings to keep the spark seeming real. I have seen even praised pastors live double lives in all the years I’ve spent in churches. Sad truth. Somehow we look up to these things as love and covet them.

For the answer to what love is – I have no answer. Only lessons learnt in heartache. Lessons taught in betrayal. Lessons taught through resentment. Lesson taught through forgiveness.  The 20 year old me would tell you all those things I mentioned were love. The 20 year old me would fight to save every last marriage in the name of the fairy-tale so that I could believe in the magic of the false personas.

The me now has seen so much of reality. I’m so over it – so over the bullshit. Reality ain’t beautiful. Love is what you make it. Love is how you see yourself. That’s my philosophy. The man or the woman you’re on the inside is always going to shine through on the outside. If you see love for the superficial things such as other peoples outside pictures – you will attract the same superficial love that you’re attracted to. It’s a nice painting on the outside. When it’s you and your lover – it’s one ugly story behind closed doors.

In the end were all like magnets, and we attract back to ourselves exactly what we are. Like attracts to like. If you’re attracting those things that create hurt cycles and heartache – there is something inside of you that you need to heal that makes you feel unworthy of the love you feel you deserve. That’s why even though you find a project in a man or a woman to fix – you’re unable to fix them because the person you haven’t began to fix is yourself.

You can’t change anybody else. You can only fix yourself and fix your attractions to find the right love for you. That’s the harsh reality of why so many are broken and do not find a happy ending in love. Yes, even those who are married with spouses they lack communication skills with and try out counselling multiple times that never seems to fix anything and eventually the counselor says: “Get Divorced. Be happy.”

There’s a reason I take my time because I saw all the pride in my elders. I observed beneath the surface before I ever even dared look at the surface. Many times I was hated for being true to myself, made up, and all the rest. I still stayed true to myself anyway.

Last but not least. If I were to give you my final conclusion on Love. I would tell you that LOVE is to be yourself because in marriage your spouse will learn who you are anyway. Men always believe that the woman will never change. Women always reverse in marriage. Women always believe that a man changed for them. Actually, men always go right back to themselves in marriage.

I would tell you that LOVE is to put your flaws on the table, your standards of what you want in the future in the open. I would tell the the present is the moment. The moment will change. Once you’re stuck in the same house, living under the same roof with nowhere to run – you will have a reputation to protect. I would tell if you if a LOVER can’t accept you for all that you are – FORGET THEM. Just kick them to the curb – better now than later. I would tell you that all these people in your past that played with your emotions, broke you down, broke your heart, or hurt you were a true gift. They taught you how to heal and become a better version of yourself to attract better. Don’t win against them by replacing them. Win against them by being okay with being alone.

I would tell you that until you’ve loved yourself alone. You can’t really give into a relationship what you haven’t already given to yourself. What many people do is jump into stuff, and pray that things stay the same, or get better. In the end their husband is having an affair. In the end their wife is spending all their money. Now they gotta tell the world they’re happy. In reality they’re crying tears behind fake smiles trying to get by hiding their true feelings in – so that their spouse stays by them so they can see another anniversary for the world but not for each-other. They know and feel it their hearts that there is no way out and nobody would understand. They fear happiness. They fear to be judged in a world that stereotypes, and expects them to stay together for religion or whatever.

I would tell you don’t wait until it’s too late to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable before you make that proposal. Be vulnerable before you say yes to that beautiful ring. Make sure that you know in tough times you can still bond because when a honeymoon is over ; there will be tough times.

I would tell you that love is a friendship, and that your lover should never ever be your best friend. Best friends snoop. Best friends quarrel. Best friends compete. Best friends act like alphas. Your lover should only be your friend. You have sisters to vent to. You have brothers to go out with. Friends can be honest and talk through the hard days, and the trials. In marriage there needs to be a balance – some type of harmony.

I would tell you that love is to forgive. If you meet somebody who is vulnerable and your friend – there is nothing you can’t grow through together. Love is to support each-other through the worst days, and to create memories and love each-other through the best days. I would tell you that the best people to marry are the ones who have taken responsibility for their actions before getting married. The ones who can admit their fall in each of their past relationships. If they can’t do that, and they’re still blaming their past. They haven’t matured and in the end you will find out their true colours anyway.

So go out and LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve to find eternal joy and a love that fulfills you not just on the outside, but on the inside too. There is somebody for everyone, but we must put the work into ourselves before we can become attracted to it and attract it from somebody else.

Betrayal

 

In life every time I leave a place to find healing. It seems like my closest friends in the place feel abandoned by my departure. They act like they lost somebody precious. They act like I’m the reason for their conflict and that’s why I left. They just want power over me. They just want to control me. They will manipulate me and do vindictive things to me until I play their game. I’m a little bit emotional. Emotional people are often misunderstood. I have a good heart and I try to hold unto friendships longer than I should, and it just makes me look bad. I run backwards to the mess I think I can fix, instead of forwards to my purpose where my calling is. I constantly put myself in zones of world war three. I hate the drama but it always seems to love finding me. It’s like I can’t even vent because everything I vent will be taken as if it was towards them, and then I’ll be questioned about it. I’m overly sensitive. It’s hard to cope in a world full of guilty consciences often using me as their punching bags to deny their inner pain.

I just want to be a good person. I just want to be at peace with everybody. It’s hard for me to accept that not everybody is as kind as they seem. They look like roses on the outside, and I just wanna see the roses. I can’t see the thorns. I can’t accept so many people use my name to put their dirt on. I think people are so used to me being so outwardly strong. I don’t even think they know how much they make me cry myself to sleep sometimes. I don’t cry in front of them. I hold my pain in because I’m guarded. Why can’t they see that I too am just human? I’m so tired of being preyed on. I’m so tired of being treated like a cartoon character. All my positive thinking turning into storms I have to conquer.

I often open up to the worst people. I give them what they want. My insecurities. My vulnerabilities. I never see it coming the day they are used against me as if I’m a checker board. Sometimes I’m used to it. Sometimes I’m numb to it. Sometimes the tears roll out of my eyes and down to my cheeks. I try to dry them, but they just keep coming. Situations I never had control over. Why do I always attract such controlling people? What is wrong with me that I attract that?

You know those people: “My way or the highway.”

You know those people: “Protect my lies, or I’ll destroy your life.”

I think sometimes I try to see the best in the worst people. I think sometimes I get blinded by the charm and the popularity that someone has. I want them to like me, but I don’t like the feeling of disloyal. I think I know what a narcissist is but I never seem to know how to dodge one. I’m so empathetic. I think I can fix them.

My empathy runs so deep. I can’t even see the danger sometimes. The poison that I’m allowing into my life. Toxic people. People who will use my kindness for weakness. People are so used to me always being there, and then one day I can’t take it anymore. I move forwards. The day I move forwards they strike me the hardest. I’m tired of defending myself sometimes. I don’t want to compromise myself either to just give into a agenda or a false sense of confidence. I fight my way through it hoping the storm will pass, and in the storm the plot of revenge is always plotted against me. It’s like I’m supposed to just give in and play the games. The messes. The misery. The cycles I have to constantly grow through. I could be so outspoken and so guarded. I could be so self-cautious and so self defensive. I’m not sure sometimes if I’m blessed or I’m cursed.

Last time I found myself in this situation. I walked into a church thinking I was finding healing for my problems. I thought I was in safe surroundings. I was in a place where I thought love was and that we were all a family. I never knew I was just the black sheep of the family. I started lowering my guard. I started opening up to leaders. I started getting involved, thinking I was doing God’s work. I think I got way too involved.

I became a threat to the first lady. I’m not sure if it was my nice dresses. The way I did my make-up. The way I tried to make everyone feel like a family. My kindness was a little too much for her. She started treating me like her husbands mistress. The trust that took me forever to build was taken away from me in split seconds. The healing that took me years to find was stolen from me in split seconds. It’s the price of beauty. It’s the price of kindness.

Sometimes I think I unintentionally became a home-wrecker. I was rejected, isolated, alone. I had nobody I could turn to because everybody saw the leaders as if they were godlike creatures. I had to battle with insomnia, anxiety, and depression all by myself. It was the hardest thing. My kindness faded into resentment, and my resentment into church hurt. False accusations thrown all over the place against me. Shunned by the members who worshipped the leaders. Stripped of my dignity. Stripped of my reputation. How do you climb up from that when you’re in that world ; a world you’re supposed to trust? Not one single person to defend me.

I turned to the pastor thinking the pastor was my friend not realizing your enemies are closer than you think. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried some more and nobody understood what I was going through. It was painful, traumatic, upsetting. I tried to journal my way through it. My journals turned into never ending emails. I was destroying my future fighting for a friendship willing to sacrifice everything. I tried to express myself to the people who hurt me only for them to not look in a mirror and constantly put their flaws on me. I never saw it coming the day the situation escalated. I thought you could trust people in a church environment. I failed to realize they’re so used to being on a platform. They’re not used to being reminded their just human and they hurt people. It was like two alphas in a room and we were getting nowhere. A friendship gone. A friendship ended. Hurt. Betrayed. I walked around more guarded than before. Even if I told people my side. I was so afraid I’d never be believed. So I took the blame, and I gave in but I left. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to leave. I was supposed to stay and get more hurt.

I know how it feels to be treated like a mistress when you never even were one. I know how it feels to be destroyed for trying to be a good person. It’s the hardest thing in the world to heal from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up and feel worthy again when you trusted people who found a way to break you and make you feel worthless. I know we all go through this. We all handle it differently. None of us are ever prepared for betrayal, and broken hearts from people we thought were there to protect us. We gotta learn to get up and accept that life is full of obstacles to make us stronger. Betrayal from people we truly trusted is one of those obstacles.

Before A Messy Break-Up

 

Do you ever have that intuitive feeling that you need to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your significant other? 

I felt like that. I really wanted to know if my boyfriend loved me. At the same time – I also wanted to dump him. I needed affection. I needed attention. He wasn’t giving me any. He was getting on my last nerves. He gave me a painful feeling in my chest that he was cheating on me.

 I made excuses for him.

“It’s probably just my insecurities again.

“I’m probably giving him a headache.”

“He probably just needs space.”

“He probably just needs to breathe.”

I wanted to put the conversation on hold. I wanted to save the moments for as long as I could. I also knew I couldn’t do it any-more. I was so used to heartache. I was so used to heartbreak.

I thought to myself:

“…Maybe I’m making him pay the price for every man that broke my heart? …Maybe I just have trust issues?

I knew I couldn’t delay the conversation any longer. I needed to find clarity. I no longer felt the butterflies I used to feel when we started dating.

I reminded myself…

“I’m just addicted to him.

“The reason I’m not leaving him is because he has become familiar to me.”

“He is my comfort zone.”

“I think I need his strength. I think I need his comfort.”

“I don’t need him.”

Questions constantly ran through my head:

“Why do I love this man?”

“Why do I want to stay with him? He does nothing for me.”

“I’m not growing as a woman by being with him.”

“Where are we headed?”

“Is this even a committed relationship?”

The last date we went on went like this:

Him: “Come over.”

Me: (I came over.)

We watched a boring show and I don’t even remember what it was called. I watched him play video games the whole time we were together. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I felt lonely. I felt at a loss for words. I felt empty.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just playing a game.” he replied.

The game went on for hours and hours as I just lied there watching him. He completely ignored me. It’s like something bothered him he wasn’t willing to tell me. It’s like he had another female in the picture.

I know how all the other females act fighting for their man trying to show him that they’re the best catch. I just felt like this man was wasting my precious time. I didn’t even know what I did wrong, and I didn’t even want to ask. The connection was not there.

I felt like a side piece of French Fries ordered off the menu. I felt like I was there for his own conscious, not because he wanted me there. I no longer felt special as I used to.

“Am I selfish?”

The fights in my head. I often felt guilt-tripped into staying with a man just because of how much time I had devoted into the man. In the end staying out of obligation only teaches a man to treat you like a doormat, and I felt like his doormat.

As much I loved him. I knew this was a pattern I did not want to repeat.

“If I’m not the only girl in your life, just let me walk away.” I said holding back the tears. I wasn’t going to let him see my cry.

It was in that moment of brokenness – I realized I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship. I understood how it felt to not want to lose yourself to somebody else. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him. I left him because I did. He never saw it that way, and he put up walls around me. Walls he expected me to break down and prove my love for him.

 I’ve learned that men need their ego’s fed tremendously.

Fixing Your Broken Heart

 

A broken heart can send you into TWO DIRECTIONS.

#1. It can send you into a place you’re spiraling out of control and making bad decisions.

#2. It can send you into heartache that transforms into a healing and growth process.

Has your heart ever been shattered this way? Did you feel strongly towards a woman you saw as your Cinderella? Did you feel so attached to a man you saw as your Prince Charming? Did life let you down in this dream called LOVE? Maybe you were the Knight in Shining Armour? Maybe you were the Damsel in Distress the Knight came to rescue? You and your  significant other planned this happily ever after together. It was happy and then one day it wasn’t.

FAIRYTALES ONLY LAST FOR SO LONG.

The honeymoon phase is over. The moment is gone. In the same strike as lightening reality happens.  Faster than you had come prepared. Did you ever reach this point in your love life? Did you ever feel it was time to give up on love? How did you pick up the pieces? How did you start over?

You might of just went through a break up. You might of just went through a divorce. You might be going through a separation. You might feel that you have nowhere to turn and that nobody understands what you could be going through. You have nobody to listen and nobody to hear you.

Every-time you reach out to a friend. They don’t want to hear the drama in your life. They just want to take you out and cheer you up. They don’t respect your feelings nor do they respect your broken heart. On the other note – maybe you’d rather not be a burden. I’m not sure your situation.

What I am sure is that healing takes time and nobody can tell you how long you need to heal. Do what you need to do to heal that broken heart and make it whole again. Everybody heals differently. You might see yourself as weak but the truth is you’re strong because you have a heart that knew how to love.

Imagine the world and how many people are together that don’t really want to be together. You were strong enough to face the world alone. You were strong enough to take the tears and walk your own path into your: CALLING.

I find when life offers you a broken heart. It also offers you a CHOICE. It offers you a choice to work through the pain until you find where you belong or to run backwards and repeat your bad patterns. In the end everything that happens will be a result of that choice.

You’re here and you’re beautiful. What is it you really want to do with your life? Why aren’t you focusing more on that? The truth is love will come and love will go but your gifts are forever. When you learn to fall in love with your passion before you fall in love with a person. You end up with the right person in the long run instead of the person who doesn’t understand you in the temporary. It’s good to love but it’s better to be loved back.

Don’t ever tell yourself that you’re not worth it. Don’t ever sell yourself short. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

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