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How Selfish Are We Really?


In recent news the singer R. Kelly who is one of the best selling artists of all times has kept making the news due to a docu-series that came out titled: “Surviving R. Kelly.” He has decades of allegations of sexual abuse. He has gone to court a few times, and been found: “Not guilty.” Recently, he was arrested due to these allegations as more and more of his victims come forwards.

 He was let out on bail due to a woman who allegedly paid off his bail money. He was arrested again due to an extreme amount of unpaid child support and locked up again. He has no relationship with his children whatsoever, and hasn’t seen them in a long time according to his interview with Gayle King who is Oprahs best friend. Where is his lawyer? Usually lawyers tell you not to do interviews like that when you’re facing those kind of allegations, and dealing with those type of charges.

 He currently has two girlfriends living with him who are rather young but of legal age. What on earth does a 52 year old man want with a 21 and a 23 year old? The parents continue to fight to get their daughters back. The daughters seem to be quite brainwashed and seem to want to stay with R. Kelly. Is it R. Kellys fault or is it the parents fault? There has been so much controversy around the topic and the fact that he married Aaliyah when she wasn’t even legally an adult yet. He now awaits his trial as more and more of these victims and their lawyers come forward claiming to have evidence, and it doesn’t do him justice the fact that he owes so much in Child Support. He is apparently broke and unable to pay his child support due to the fact his reputation has been tarnished and he can’t work anymore. The court of the public is not on his side.

We live in a world full of pain, heartache, and tragedy. I empathized with the pain going on around the world. It saddens me that it took this long to shed light on it, and that in 2019 society is still dealing with this type of madness. As a young woman there were a lot of things I questioned.

Years a go I actually wrote a poem regarding situations like this not knowing that R. Kelly would some day be this type of news.

How Selfish Are We Really?

By, Irene

Just before winter, during autumn seasons.

I try to focus on it’s beauty and understand God’s reasons.

High up above in the sky,

above my head – I watch the birds fly.

Down below, all around,

I see colourful leaves fall to the ground.

I’m contemplating God’s reasons for creation.

I’m trying to understand his purpose for salvation.

Then I’m thinking about time,

the past mistakes I’ve made, hoping I’ll pass the climb.

How I’m wishing I could rewind,

So many unanswered questions racing through my mind.

Why did the LORD create us? Why did the Lord make us?

 

Born into sin we all are.
Desiring to own a big house, desiring to drive a fancy car.

Unworthy of the king – we show him no grace.

Still, God gave us this world, made it a beautiful place.

You don’t believe it?
Then you’re naive about it!
If you get a chance.

Just look at the pictures of France.

Google the tourist places of Paris.

These are landmarks the world does cherish.

Why do people tell us to smile when there’s hurt all around?

Some hurt too painful. Silence where there should be sound.

Strong individuals battling with aids. Over the decades,

you’d think things would change.

Still like a statue, it remains the same.

Were selfish, we think about ourselves, forget about them, and we have no shame.

We see home after home being torn a part, just broken.

Children who are left wondering if they’re to blame as a token.

Adults not being strong enough to fight to stay together.

Parents quitting because of what they selfishly think is right, forgetting they made vows of forever.

Teen suicides are increasing – Not enough ceasing.

Instead the world cares more to focus on the gossip of Kevin and Britney.

Instead the world wants to know who else is as talented as Whitney?

Stop…

There’s a girl living like Cinderella living on minimum wage  with her mop.

Halt…

Stop re-victimizing victims like the pain is their fault.

Pause…

Why do you only want to live for an applause?

 

Look around there’s children being abused.

Beat up, nobody cares that they’re being left with memories of how they were bruised.

People are getting raped.

The world’s too caught up to help them escape.

Inside these people are in pain ; stuck with wounds they can’t heal.

You say it’s not true because they won’t make an appeal?

Well, Shut Up for a second, and put yourself in their place.

Pretend to be them, and then try showing your face.

Try talking about the pain that took years for you to talk about.

Stand up in front of that court, and why don’t you just shout it out!

Let your story be heard ; meanwhile they put it on the news.

For the whole world to know how you were used.

Tabloids just want to gossip ; you’re humiliated now right?

So don’t talk shit because silently they battle the fight!

Do you have fears – maybe thunder?
Ever think about the pressure these victims are under?
Now you’re donating to charities thinking it’s enough.

You’re forgetting these peoples stories ; money can’t buy them love.

You could give them a one-hundred dollar bill.

You could donate them all your stuff in your unwritten will.

That will never take back their pain.

Just a donation won’t stop the rain.

Why don’t we want to face it,

just because were not the ones who embrace it?

Their pain they go through every day.

Instead of helping them – we stray…far far away.

Extremely selfish, and paranoid. We all hide.

We complain about the little things like the cold.

We fear the future like we’ll never make it – never grow old.

When we look outside we see so much devastation.

Even when our problems our small ; we show no appreciation.

How did the world get this way?

I’m sure you’ll come up with some cliche.

Change starts with us ; we need to own up to our own imperfectons.

We need to focus on our future in a new direction.

Together : may we unite as one?

God didn’t give us a life to make it fun.
God gave us hardships to test our faith, and make us strong.

He didn’t put his people on this earth to belong.

That’s why many were called ; few were chosen.

How come when were called to be a witness – were frozen?

 My heart has always been huge and I always questioned people in positions of power. I always questioned if they were in it for the right reasons. I was never attracted to the outside of someone, but there are many people who are. It’s so easy for someone to prey on the most vulnerable when they have that type of power.

We need to find a way to come together, support each-other, support victims, uplift eachother, and spread love. We need to help eachother heal. We need to educate each-other.

My prayers are with all those who are suffering, and dealing with things they’re unable to heal from. I pray they find the strength to rise above all the odds, and to be success stories despite all the obstacles that were thrown at them.

 

Divorce Ahead

 

In your younger years you’re always looking for that fairy-tale, that once in a life-time, that soul-mate, that happily ever-after.

….and then he leaves you dry, leaves you hanging by a thread, leaves you heart broken, leaves you in tears.

 

You think your the rocks at the bottom, and you’ll never find a happy ending, and life will never get better. You get desperate and the first guy who gives you attention is the guy that you settle for. You signed up for this life, and you fight to keep it. You want validation you can keep a relationship. You want validation you can keep a marriage.

Pretty soon – the honeymoon phase is over. Even married, you’re back to square one. How did this happen? You question if he’s faithful to you. You question if you need marriage counseling. You question if you can save this marriage? He no longer disappears and ghosts you and you gotta fight for him to prove that you’re the one he should choose. Now he drifts away on vactions without you, and instead of fighting for him, you already know he chose you, so you’re yelling at him for cheating on you.

Quick Question: Why was this not a problem before you married him, but now it’s a problem because you married him?

The first thing to do is be honest with yourself.  In dating you know that: “Most men aren’t going to give you closure, and that’s something as a woman you’ve gotta give yourself permission to do…move on without it!” You gave yourself that permission back then, but now that he’s your husband you can’t give yourself that permission. You thought you were smart back then when you won him from the other women he had his eyes on, but now that you have him. He only fed your ego. The real deal wasn’t a prize. You think you’ve become more mature, but instead you’re drowning in your own poor choices.

You wish you listened to all the women you thought were jealous of you, instead you cared more that they validated you even if you married him for the wrong reasons. Now here you are married to a man for one reason: “To Share Bills.” You’re aware the divorce rate is around 50% and that scares you. You wonder if he has a mistress. You can’t even trust your own friends around him. You spy on him. You do everything to turn him off. Now he is checking out. You’ve become his regret. He wants to feel alive again.

As much as I should take your marriage seriously. I don’t. You will come up with all types of reasons for why I don’t.

“Oh she wants my man.”
“Oh she’s jealous.”
“Oh she can’t find a man.”

No, I don’t take your marriage seriously for something much more simpler than that.

 “People take you as seriously as you take yourself.”

You didn’t taking picking a husband seriously. So, it’s hard to take you seriously. Now your husband is straying.  You’ve painted him out to be a villain, but you forget the part he’s sharing with the other women. The part where he met you.  The part where you hurt your friend to have him.  The part where you took him from his girlfriend to win the ring. Everyone reaps what they sow, and what you reaped was karma. You knew from day one you weren’t marrying into love, but you were marrying into a competition. Now you finally feel how you made her feel, and now you want the mistress to feel what you made another woman feel.

In general most people want what they can’t have. There was a time you wanted your husband because you couldn’t have him. Understand, that’s why he’s able to cheat because it’s the only love he’s comfortable with. The way you got him is the same way the mistress is able to get him. That’s why you hate her. She’s a reflection of who used to be. You still got the ring, and he might leave you, and she might get the ring too. This is what makes married men so attractive to women.

She only sees he treats you good because that’s what you show the public as your facade. Once upon a time you only saw that he treated the girlfriend good because that’s what she showed the public as a facade. You didn’t see her broken heart of how he was cheating on her with you. You didn’t see her broken heart of how she loved him so much but he was desperate for somebody to fix him. Well, now you’re the wife and you think he owes you something because he chose you. Your mad at the mistress because  she doesn’t see that you deal with the bills, the pain, and the abuse. She’s out here getting the romance, the gifts, and the dates, everything that you think you deserve. In reality what you give out is what you get back. If you wanted that type of a husband. You probably should of been honest from day one about loyalty. But you spent years of your life putting those women down for your own pride.

Now your dragging your husband off to therapy trying to hide the marital affairs and convince yourself you can work together to heal what’s broken. In reality your trust for him will never be the same, and nor was it ever there to begin with. Only your pride was. I wish I could say I respect you for being his wife. I don’t respect you because you’re staying and helping a man hurt another woman the same way you hurt another woman to win him when your marriage started. I wish I could tell you I hope you get a divorce. I instead want to show you how patterns repeat themselves. It takes some people their whole lives to become that honest with themselves. So many people are broken not because their husband started cheating. They’re broken because they chose a man to fix so they don’t have to heal their own demons, and then their demons intertwined into a love affair and that’s why their marriages are toxic.

Now your husband wants out because he finally regrets his past and how he hurt other women with his marriage, and he’s either looking for the honeymoon version of you in everyone else, or he’s looking for the girl who got away. You get back in a mate the standards you put on yourself. You get back in a mate how honest you’re willing to be about yourself and your feelings with your mate. Sometimes you yourself are keeping the past around and making your husband feel insecure, other times you’re letting him control you just to prove that you love him. The one thing you’re not doing is being true to who you are yet you’re expecting him to figure it out when what you want is something different than what he wanted. Now you’re blaming it on miscommunication but if you didn’t marry him you’d be honest that it was a poor choice in a mate.

You now sit there envying the woman you once bullied for not being married all those years you spent in inner pain. Some day may you learn to:

Just

       LOVE PERIOD!
       LOVE enough to LET GO

       Love enough to RESPECT.

       Love enough to Appreciate.

In the end were all figuring our way out in this blessing / curse we called life. It is both a blessing and a curse because there are times of happiness and there are times of sadness. Sometimes were going to be up, and sometimes were going to be down. When were up…we should never be so high and almighty we forget what it’s like to be down. When were down…we should never be so negative that we burden people as if were not appreciating their efforts. Everything goes back to our attitudes in each circumstances. God can give and God can take. In the end….Stay Humble. We all reap what we sow.

Canadian Girl: Life Strengthens

 

Elementary

This morning I arose.

An early morning.

I got up and I froze.

What have they overheard?

Mommy calls me for pancakes.

Daddy calls me for cornflakes.

The sky still dark outside.

Cartoons are playing on cable.

I got nowhere to hide.

Breakfast is set on the table.

Tears in my eyes.

Hear my sad cries.

Insecurities got the best part of me.

The children break every rule.

Curiosities got me in misery.

I have no friends at my school.

The sun comes out.

I lose my doubt.

The school bus is about to come.

I will get bullied today.

A loner – I just want to run.

My memories of yesterday.

Middle School

I stand taciturnly on my fathers front porch.

The caliginous that began to take control of my soul.

It’s another day to sit through more church.

The pastor that could take this broken girl and make her be whole.

The seniors home the choir would sing at.

The church ladies and all their fancy hats.

Head coverings that glow like beauty.

New places. New communities.

Prayer meetings and the elders duty.

New school for me. New surroundings.

High-School

My first baptism and my first communion.

My first boyfriend at Family Reunion.

My first heartache. My first breakup.

Comfort food ; cake. My first make-up.

I turned on a love song.

I put that lipstick on.

Just another nice Canadian girl.

Beautiful, elegant, like a pearl.

A diamond to be cherished.

Flaws covered and were blemished.

Books were special like my best friend.

They were the wisdom at the end.

How did I tumble down from grace?

I was just looking for my place.

I look back on my many mistakes.

I sent my parents through heartaches.

How did I turn it around?

A world of silence – no sound.

Claire once knitted me a sweater.

I thought I knew so much better.

Teen years like cold winters are some of the hardest.

Everybody wants to date the hot lead guitarist.

A popularity contest.

Hoping everybody’s impressed.

Young Adult

I grew up and I wanted to soar.

I packed my stuff and out the front door.

I said goodbye on the telephone.

I found a new place to call my home.

I wanted to be a dancer.

Church was no longer my answer.

I waved goodbye to the life I knew.

I watched as the resentment grew.

Who had I become?

Things I must succumb.

I knew I should go to college.

Guidance I failed to acknowledge.

I became my own worst enemy.

The darkness as it overwhelmed me.

I searched for healing ; therapy.

I searched for meaning ; clarity.

Adult

I found maturity in broken places.

As I looked at the pain in others faces.

I saw tears like rain in their meaningful eyes.

I looked up at the sunset into the skies.

I discovered the word empathy.

A country of much diversity.

The world has really changed.

It has been rearranged.

Tradition is no longer the normal.

Job interviews are still very formal.

Beautiful scenery for adventures.

Unconditional love for transgenders.

No more democracy.

A place for equality.

I picture the strength of a mother.

I picture a sister who lost a brother.

I live in a land of beauty.

Helping hands who see.

Broken people… I went on a search.

Broken people…I took myself to church.

I saw a pastor there.

Dapper, tall, fine hair.

I wanted to cry on his shoulder.

It was time to start my life over.

A Letter To Mom

It’s painful knowing the only way I can speak to my mom now is through journals. It’s devastating knowing I will never see her smile or hear her voice again. I’ve kept myself so busy so that I don’t have to think about the fact I no longer have a mom. We all think our moms will be with us until were 50. I lost my mom at the age of 30. My youngest brother lost his mom at the age of 20. He’s only 20. I not only have to be strong for myself but for my siblings too. Everybody is hurting. Our mother used to always tell us every day how much she loved us.

As I went to her final memorial service that was held here. I met so many people that genuinely loved my mom from the deepest parts of their hearts. I try so hard not to think about it and focus on other things. I sat in the room filled with people who knew my mom for over 30 years. I watched elderly men crying. I have never seen so many tears in elderly mens eyes. I watched mothers torn like they lost my mother as a mother too. I saw all the unconditional love that surrounded my mom.

The tears were so much for me to bear around me because I did not want to cry again. I still felt to give them all a hug because I knew they were finally processing what I spent all week processing and still can’t come to terms with. I know my mother saw them all as her family too. My mother never had a real family growing up. She was part of the 60’s scoops movement. She only met her family as an adult. I think we need to speak up more on those topics. To me we were all family in the room that day related by blood or not.

It really touched my heart to see all the people who loved our mom. Those people were near and dear to my mom ; therefore they’re near and dear to us. It was very hard for my mom when all her children grew up into adulthood. She never let any of us go. All I wanted to do was give each and every last person a hug for giving her a place she could smile. I know they all miss her as much as we do. My mom treated everyone like her family period.

This was one of my letters I wrote to my mom that I wish I could give her but can only hope she’s reading it from heaven. One of the ladies told me to picture my mom upstairs in heaven in a purple robe. One of the men told me we all go somewhere after we die.. and we’ll all meet again in heaven. My mom really role-modeled the right way to live to me. She taught me to have compassion for all people.

Dear Mommy,

You’re my strength that pulls me through each difficult day. You’re my courage that makes me believe in a brighter day. You’re my hero when the world is against me. You’re my rock when I need a shoulder to cry on.

May I always be a fighter like you? May I always have a heart of gold like you? May I always have a unconditional loving heart with forgiveness for all people like you? XOXO.

I wish you were still here to see the gift my brother and I were working on for your birthday. At least you saw us start.

I wish you were here to see everything my siblings and I are trying to do in honour of your memory and the mark you left upon our lives.

I know you smile down on us from heaven now.

Love Always,

Your daughter.



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