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How To Get A Man

A lot of times women who can’t find a man are following what I like to refer to as MEDIOCRITY! They’re following their friends, looking at the husbands and boyfriends of their friends, and thinking they’re not good enough as long as they end up with a man like that and often end up chasing UNAVAILABLE MEN. This path is failure and creates self-heartache. They end up falling in love with UNAVAILABLE MEN.

Finding a boyfriend or a man to have sex with you is easy. Everyone wants what comes easy, but find a KING… that takes self work, that takes growth, that takes healing, that takes a transformation. That takes finding the best version of yourself.

I wrote myself a letter to my FUTURE HUSBAND. It goes like this:

Dear Potential,
I’m not what you’re used to.
My father instilled into me a strength of character. My mother instilled into me a golden heart.
I’m so empathetic you’ll accuse me of ulterior motives and your perspectives are based on your environments and experiences and have nothing to do with me.
Hurt people hurt people and in my life I crave only peace so go find healing before you come to interrupt my focus.
I’m surrounded by people who love me and I don’t need your validation. I’m not afraid to walk away from disrespect because I respect me first. If that hurts your pride … Then I’m sorry for your broken heart but life is a process and maybe I need to break yours to help you evolve into the man God wants you to be. Go transform. You show me what I lost by becoming a better man integrity, humility, remorse. Putting women in my face , making me jealous turns me off because my loyalty is hard to come by. So walk away…there’s the door. I don’t chase disrespect. I chase peace.

But if you choose to stay…tell me your goals, your ambitions, your values, and own why your past relationships failed without blaming the women. Tell me what you learned from your mistakes. Tell me your plan to change them and why my life would be better with you than without you and if you can’t show me your scars…please walk away. I can’t be a team with someone who can’t be real.

I could be like everyone else seeking a man just to have someone, but I know my worth in God. So I choose to set you free while I find myself until I get where God wants me and the man has no second guesses I’m his! You’ll never know if you’re ready…nobody is ever ready…but unless you see me as the woman you’re willing to rise up to my standards and lead then I gotta let you go… And if you can’t understand everything I just said. I won’t make the mistake of marrying you… Because marriage is sacred, the ultimate commitment you make in front of God and not one I’ll take lightly. I rather help you grow than choose you before you’re ready to make that commitment. 


I guess you clicked on this for wisdom on how to fool a man into a marriage you don’t want to stay in. I still haven’t found my husband. I think the best advice I can give you or any single woman is fall back in love with yourself, heal yourself, transform into the authentic woman you want to attract a real man. Once you build it your husband will be there. That’s the wisdom that was given to me by married people who are successful!

Love Vs. Lust

 In my early days of dating. I didn’t really look for a specific man. I looked for attention over respect. I’d go on a coffee date with anyone. I felt I was open-minded ; rather than shallow. To me it was friendship. It was innocent. It was pure. I was just being genuine. I’m friendly, and polite. Now as I’ve matured from those days ; I’m not really into dating unless a man meets my requirements.
 Sadly, most men do not get married based on love and do not marry the one they love. Infidelity is common enough in marriages. Most people settle. Most people bluff. People want a lifestyle, and will compromise for it to share bills. I do not believe just because a marriage is in place that a commitment has been established, and that is most peoples mistakes. They run with the wind without reading the contract they’re signing. Image oriented society. That is the road I was almost headed down, thankfully I was able to see the red-flags ahead of time.
 I think it’s better to wait, and most so called married people now will finally end up divorced when their children grow up because…
A. They’re in it for the image
B. They’re lonely
C. infidelity
 It happens more often than most ever want to admit because GOD forbid we stop looking up to them, and their family portrait. Ego is that powerful. A lot of times young women look for love in all the wrong places. It’s normal to look up to those who are older than us, and want to impress them. I think you should go into every relationship stating what you want, and the other person is either working with you or against you. You will know by how they reciprocate the love you’re showing them. Don’t try to force somebody into a lifestyle they don’t want and vice versa. It is a waste of time for both of you. What’s for you will always be for you, and you’re going to end up missing your blessing caught up in a future you don’t really want. Let it go! Time is not the reason to jump into a fire of hopeless devotion. Your requirements are, and finding someone who can meet them. The bible never said to lower your standards.
Love Vs. Lust
by, Irene
I see an angel ; her face so angelic.
Glowing personality so awesome.
Valuable like an antique relic.
Heart so lovable like a cherry blossom.
Her attractiveness beautiful like a flower.
Allowing herself to be his eye-candy.
Giving him all of her power.
Pleasing him because he’s dandy.
Her mind filled up with naivety.
Her analytic ways causing her misery.
Never any trust ; just lust.
Blissfulness confusing her ; making her convince herself it’s love.
She gives in too fast, starts feeling too deep,
a mess she can’t get out of.
All her friends warned her ; she didn’t listen.
All she sees in the lenses is the blur.
She still sees him glisten.
This is her brand new start.
This man is not in this for her heart.
Only sex to fulfill his lust – for him it becomes a must.
She gives into temptation ; forgetting about God’s plan for salvation.
In fear he might cheat ; rather than trusting Jesus to help her defeat.
She becomes used to this. It’s him she begins to miss.
She gave him that precious gift.
Her sweetness becomes anger – he drifts.
He’s marked his name ; all the hurt it’s her he blames.
He’s vexed ; he’s onto the next.
She’s hurt ; he’s abused her kindness.
Now he’s putting her down for her blindness.
In her life he slowly fades away ; she becomes part of his yesterday.
The warning signs were always there.
Her anger is because she started to care.
All the love has now turned into war.
How does she let go and soar?
He used to make her feel like a precious rose ; now she’s a hideous dandelion.
She feels like ugly black crows ; instead of believing she belongs to zion.
Her heart is so warm ; she’s still trying.
Tears like a waterfall she begins crying.
She lacks self-assurance ; she’s given up on endurance.
She used to go with the flow – where oh where did her faith go?
She’s conditioned herself to expect pain.
Her history taught her only rain.
Instead of looking for the sun ; she looks for the storm.

How does she now conform?

I see the make-up upon her face ; her head that stares in space.

Neglecting her duty ; she covers up her natural beauty.
She longs to be loved ; she stands alone in the distance.
Retaliation becomes her persistence.
She wants to be left alone – she waits by the phone.
Strong opinions she holds ; pain so deep she never unfolds.
People judge without knowing where she’s been.
Her mistakes give them an excuse ; a reason to be mean.
A reason to think they’re better.
Her pain like cuts hidden underneath a sweater.
She tries to turn her life around ; instead of help – they put her down.
She runs back to what she knows – where she glows.
She doesn’t understand love. She doesn’t understand trust.
She doesn’t understand God above. She only understood lust.
Why do people judge instead of show true love?
Life is now like a game ; society has made this world a shame.
No woman on earth deserves to be treated like a mistress.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s princess!
She spent her life dreaming of the romance scenes.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s queen.
If God never gave up on us ; why are we so quick to give up on them?
Why do we judge without helping people heal?
Shouldn’t we stop and think – if we were them –
How would we feel?
Now to the women who are married ; stop hurting these women. They need your guidance not your judgment. Sometimes you’re mad at them because you remember how you were when you were young. Now your sex life in your marriage has stopped and you fear them taking your place. They don’t want your place. They want to believe that they’re worth love, and having the same love that you found.
 Sometimes as women we have an unhealthy attitude towards sex. This attitude has to do with our experience with men, and the fact we didn’t always make good choices in them. Sometimes women treat the one they love for every man in the past who hurt them. Just like a young woman has to find healing to learn what love is and to stop confusing lust with love. A married woman needs to learn how sex can heal a marriage.
 Sex is powerful both negatively and positively. When a marriage is broken and you start taking away sex and using it as punishment towards your husband you’re hurting him. You’re basically telling your man that you don’t love him. I’m telling you as women we don’t realize how manipulative our actions can feel and then we wonder why men start cheating. We blame younger women who want what we have because were no longer valuing it. There is nothing more appealing to a man than when he feels wanted. Make sure you always make your man feel wanted. When you don’t the king in him leaves, and the fool in him returns.




Finding A Man

I seem to break a lot of hearts. People tend to judge books by covers they haven’t even read.
 When dating a new man. I often see that were mismatched early on. I have a list of reasons for them for why were not good together. There is never any drama involved. I don’t believe in giving men false hope or fake promises. I believe in carrying around the standards of a wife even if I’m not yet a wife. The thing is when you learn to dodge men you know you’ll never see in your future. A lot of times they will try to show you what you lost with the next woman in hopes that will still fight for them. Two years later – they often apologize and realize you were just a woman of standards.
It’s hard to find love when your problems aren’t the problems of most women. You understand that a lot of marriages happened because two people got together because they needed to share bills. Once you understand that you don’t rush into it. A lot of people bluff. A lot of people will tell you how happy they are together, and a lot of people will hate you because you can’t stand the false persona of fake relationships. People who pretend to be happy, but are actually unhappy and wish they would leave their relationships / marriages. It’s offensive when you begin to learn how many married folks lie, and you wish they would give honest advice instead of leading you to their misery.
 My friend told me: “Irene, you had a longer relationship than most peoples marriages. You are qualified to give advice.”
 I don’t think I’m any sort of professional or qualified. I think I am just someone who can empathize with others easily. The only thing actually different between me and married folks is the piece of paper. I was smart about it. I didn’t set myself up to be stuck. There are many people who wonder if I’ll ever fall in love, why I avoid it, and everything else.
 I don’t even have a type of man I’m attracted to. I’ve met so many men from all different races. If it weren’t for the fact that I  have a past with baggage ; I do think that a lot of men I meet deserve a good woman. I’m far from bitter. It’s just that I feel my respect is towards my family. I know that I have to live a lifestyle where I am a role-model. I choose love based on what’s best for my family unit in general, and sometimes that means not making love a priority.
 It has nothing to do with “THE LIST” of most women.
It has to do with:
“Is he compatible with the life I’m already happy in?”
 “Is he gonna try to change me?”
 “Am I willing to meet him half way?”
 “Will he be a good role-model for my children?”
 It’s more like making sure a man balances with who I already am. I meet great men, but the balance with my original life I have before them isn’t there. I love everybody in general. My personality is literally compatible with everyone.

I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!

People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.


Philandering Husbands

  If we don’t have regrets. We haven’t grown from our mistakes. I could never date someone who doesn’t look in a mirror at themselves to admit the part they played in a falling out with somebody else. It takes two to tango. With my luck – I’ll end up with a divorced man or a separated man. I know right – definitely not my first dream.  It can become a nuisance when that’s the reality you’ve accepted. Celebrities like Alicia Keys and Steve Harvey and his wife have done it and it turned out well for them.
 People will always try to give advice like: “Oh you’ll be hurt if you’re a mans rebound.”
 I think that’s craziness. I think what I’ll actually be is on the same page as a man for once. I think it’s maturity. I recognize my past and the mistakes I made in relationships so it’s easy for me to empathize with a man who made similar mistakes. You can try at love with somebody who comes without a history, but then you also have to realize you yourself have a history. You can only try to move on so much with men who are committed to misunderstanding you. Part of growth is realizing that relationships work when you can both relate period. The rest of the time the relationship can become unbalanced.

 It hurts me to see the girls men I loved in my past have replaced me with. I feel like the world wants me to see women who took my ex from me as a bad person. How can a woman take an ex from me if a man was never committed to me to begin with, and that’s why he decided to cheat on me? People cheat because they don’t feel committed. They feel that they can still find better. Clearly, the man cheated because he thought those girls were better. I guess I can call them empty women and women who did their best to destroy my family and what I should rightfully of called mine and married into. The crazy part is they accepted the fact that they were more able to relate to a broken man than a whole man. Why can’t I do the same? In the end everything happens for a reason.

Yes, in the end my ex will probably put those women through the same things he put me through. Just like if I end up with a divorced or separated man – chances are he will put me through the same things he put his wife through. Why couldn’t my ex fix it with me? Why couldn’t those husbands who move on fix it with their wives? Sometimes in life people just move forwards and it doesn’t mean that it won’t work out. It’s peoples idea of what a perfect picture looks like that makes them think that if it works out for you it will ruin their own perception of what happiness is. Since when is it somebody’s business how somebody else chooses to live?

Divorce is part of life.

 There are so many reasons we make up for why a woman would get involved with a man who was committed before. When I look at the girls who choose to be with my ex. I feel bad for them because somewhere in their life I believe they were broken down so much to the point they thought saving a man was love. I feel like he needed a rebound to show me what I lost and he was able to manipulate them to do everything he wanted them to do….and that’s exactly where he wanted them….believing they were his prize because he chose them over the rest.
 The craziest thing is if he loved me – why would he want to marry them? You see it’s my experiences that taught me how so many people end up with cheating husbands. It’s because of my experiences, I realized a lot of men didn’t marry for love but they married to settle into validation. A lot of women fall for the antics of a player because they seek out the same validation thinking they will change him. It is lust and infatuation and obsession but seldom is it love.
 They end up sleeping with him and once they’re addicted to him they get married and sign a paper just to prove a point. In the end – what they are really seeking is attention from everyone else instead of respect from a man. The reason they choose him is because now that that they’re brainwashed by him – other men no longer take them serious. They will always be a reflection of that man. This is their way of saying “I’m loyal,” but the first person they aren’t loyal to is themselves. If a woman is not loyal to herself – why on earth would a woman think she can change a man to be loyal to her? These type of women believe they can through marriage.
 That’s why even when he cheats they constantly run back to him fighting for his love and heart knowing they’re just rebounds from his ex. They lose their sense of self and identity in him. They no longer know who they are, and the man appreciates the power he has over them because he has not yet matured. These women eventually realize he still misses his ex and they feel threatened and want his ex to hurt because they hurt. Once a man has you where he wants you. He will tell you how much you’re not his ex, and how his exes love was so much better, and so many women try to add up to the ex, even knowing from day one  he was playing them and that’s why they’re willing to hurt the woman he loved to win him because they loved the way he treated his ex, but they never got to know him for him until after marriage.
That’s why it’s a red flag when a man talks down on a woman. Usually a man talks down on a woman because she mattered, and if he can get you to feel sorry for him. He knows he can have power over you, and once sex is compromised he knows he can get you to do whatever he wants knowing he will never love you, but you help him keep a perfect image for society. As women we gotta learn to weed these type of dramatic men out. To me it’s understanding that, and understanding that some men made poor choices in their first marriage and rushed into it with women they didn’t want to marry which makes me empathize with them when they mature and realize they need to set their wives free and rewrite their wrongs in the past. If a man leaves his wife or a wife leaves him. I understand it. I also understand that I deserve a second chance at love and so does a divorced man. It’s not right to hold peoples pasts against them just because they failed at their marriage. It’s not necessarily their marriage they failed at. Sometimes they were never fully in the marriage to begin with. It was their need to impress society instead of themselves that they failed at.
 A lot of people will jump to conclusions about your character when you’re honest about these things. You will learn your friends when you voice your opinions on such subjects. They’re the ones who know you for you – not the ones who try to hurt you for who you’re not to feel better about themselves. Sometimes, I can’t believe I was once so immature in my choice in men, and I looked up to women who settled in marriages for an image as mature and women to take advice from. Inner pain is the worst pain you could ever carry. The older I get the more I want less friends, and more love. Friends will try to turn you into who they want you to be. Love will find you when you’ve accepted who you truly are.

 I speak on marriages both the good side and dark side of it. I don’t need to be married to see both sides. If somebody is not happy in their relationship or marriage. They’re going to find a reason to hate me simply because they’re not happy, and I’ve stayed true to myself. Happy people do not try to hurt others or make up others characters just to protect themselves. People who need a self defense mechanism do. On the other side of toxic marriages and people who married for the wrong reasons there are of course so many wives who married their husbands for the right reasons. These wives are in happy marriages. They’re women who empower other women. They don’t seek out praise or validation. They live and let live because they have faith and trust in their husbands.

Dramatic relationships are very unhealthy. A 40 year old woman should not be being dramatic. When a woman becomes dramatic other women notice her husband simply because she makes it obvious that her husband is not treating her well which enables him to play a victim using her, and other women think they’re coming to rescue her well he fights for them the same way he refuses to fight for her. Some men want a second chance at love and to get it right the second time through. Women do not come into a mans relationship because they’re jealous or can’t have a woman’s man. They come into his relationship because the wife is telling the world she owns the husband, and the husband is basically telling all those women to save him. He often ends up in infidelity and sleeping with them. However, sometimes he realizes they’re no different than his wife and after cheating,  and guilt takes over and he pretends to be a Samaritan and fights to save the marriage. So many women tell girls to leave their cheating boyfriends ; yet condone them when they chase married men who are apparently better. It’s the hypocrisy that nobody listens to.

If women were honest they’d admit they settled with cheating husbands, and worked through their marriage. So who are they to judge a woman who forgives her cheating boyfriend? That’s the problem they do. That’s why women believe all they’re worth sometimes is married men who appear to be the full package. A lot of women have misplaced their feminine energy and started carrying around masculine energy. When looking for a lover be careful about choosing a man just because of the lifestyle the man can provide you. Straight up, you’re telling the man that you’re a gold digger and it’s basically a business relationship. Now when you marry that man in that way. You can’t blame a gold digger for not respecting you when a woman learns that’s the reason you’re with your husband. Like attracts to like.

That man likes you both for the same reason and before marriage he went in a triangle with you, and now after marriage he will go back and fourth between the mistress and the wife. He will only want to be around you both in the phases that feel like a honey moon and constantly avoid you until you stay in that honey moon phase where he knows he has power over you and the upper hand. As women, we really need to stop putting each-other down. A man who has a problem with infidelity will always be happy to see both women in a fight because it makes his cheating that much easier for him. In the end you’re both still losing because the whole time you all are fighting. He is usually looking for a woman who knows nothing about either of you, and that woman is the real threat to the relationship. He will probably fall in love with that one.

People who love and support this drama do it because they want to feel better about their own demons too. You women often complain about what you can’t be and why your life never gets better. All of these things are excuses to not admit your own poor choices in a man, your own poor choices in a husband. Everything is in your mindset. If you think you can find a rich man and use him for a lifestyle to get validation and that somehow things will get better. Well that’s the lifestyle your life will magnify around. The reality is the only thing that will be better is the drama you attract will multiply. How are you going to weather the storm when it multiplies?

Cardi B took Offset back

I loved watching CARDI B when she was just ranting on Instagram giving internet advice from her own personal experience. She’s a story of rags to riches that everybody loves to watch. As she has climbed higher in the success ladder. She’s lost friends, and attracted more enemies. Good or bad ; the tabloids stay writing about her.

They write about alleged rumors in her past. They write about her past as a stripper. They write about her being on a reality tv show. They write about her Instagram rants. They write about her enemies. They write about her marriage. Everybody loves to dig to find a problem with someone who stays winning. She basically raps about what people what to hear because regardless what you think about her music, people are buying it. She has a Grammy now.

When you look on the internet though….everybody loves to judge hers and Offsets marriage. Everyone sees him as a player who will continue to cheat on her. I find it unfortunate that just because she’s in the spotlight people can’t accept her for the human that she is.

 At the end of the day. I’m always happy when people who have a child together work things out. I once went back to my sons father and people were extremely nasty about it. The sad part is that me and him actually got a long when we were together. If not for everyone’s opinions due to their own realities. I think we’d still be together.

I find it disheartening how people force their own realities unto others. Look, sometimes you will hear me say I don’t believe in marriage, but unless your husband is actually in my business causing my life problems. I’m never going to be like: “You should leave your husband!” I’m going to be like “Can’t you all work it out?”

To me if you married a man, he’s still your husband, – you know? Divorce is way more expensive than marriage is. Statistically, second marriages don’t normally last. People can be cruel. People can be bullies. They love to see people fail. In my eyes Offset is her husband. Offset is her child’s father.

I hope they always work it out. She is a human being at the end of the day. Good luck to them.


Marriage: Communication is key

I think the real issue in the marriage is lack of communication. The husband is afraid of his wife because of her emotional outbursts and doesn’t know how she will react. The wife feels like she’s not attractive enough to her husband anymore. It’s called a dry spell. What do you expect?

What you should do in those situations is become vulnerable. Don’t let your pride and ego get in the way. Love sometimes means to be vulnerable and when you’re both in that space you can discuss your unmet needs and maybe care about resolving them and appreciating each-other again.

It’s like people tend to  create dramatic scenarios and it’s almost no wonder people cheat on them. I know one thing about a man. The day you took him to your pastor/marriage therapist was the same day he started leaving the marriage. I know one thing about women….the day she started cussing you out was the same day she was telling you she needs reassurance again.

Love and hate are both passion. You both gotta learn to communicate better period. All this other stuff is you two growing a part.

The rest dramatic.

Things can resolve with appreciation from the woman, reassurance from the man, effective communication. When you love people ..you don’t find their flaws. You show them their strengths. People change when respect is given and reciprocated. The rest of the time you all might as well go your separate ways. It won’t get better. It will only get better if you see yourself too. Most you all only see your spouse. My sentiments on that.

The Rebound Position

How I feel towards women who date my exes:

In order to actually be like me: You gotta know how to stand up for what you believe in without compromising yourself for a man!!!
You think you won, but little do you know – I told him to keep you! It hurt for a bit, but over time as I’ve healed. I’ve come to the realization that me and him were

mismatched, and you and him are a better match.

 In the end that’s why I’m still in his head, and you’re still here hating hating, funny thing is I’ve been long gone.

Why did you want to take my place so badly?

I now have the whole world to enjoy – I can now search for my true match.

The only person you ever saw in him was me – why did you want him just because of how you saw him treat me?

It’s hard not to love myself when I know you continually follow my lead to a good man instead of discovering your own path.

Well you’re getting frustrated, angry, resentful. I want to feel bad for you and this karma that you sowed for yourself. I instead I’m praying for you because you think this is all that you’re worth.
The way he treats you. I will never allow a man to treat me.

I wish sometimes you had a father figure to show you that the way he loves you is not the way a man loves.


Tyrese: Co-Parenting


I am a fan of Tyrese and his music if you haven’t learned by now, but every day him and his ex wife are in the tabloids for a crazy custody battle. Celebrities are always interesting to watch. Tyrese and his ex wife and child’s mother have one of the craziest custody battles I ever had. He’s now with his new wife who is the father of his new child. I think she’s beautiful and I admire the fact that she is a social worker and an advocate for human trafficking.

I wish I could be on Tyrese’s side on this one, but pulling his child out of Soccer until she gets her grades up? What if that’s the place that gives her the most confidence? I thought schools already had things in place where you have to get good grades to be on a school sports team anyways. I don’t understand why they have to keep going to court for their disagreements. I think they should learn to get a long and be co-parents in general. I feel like he just wants full custody of his daughter and is trying to impress his wife that he wasn’t the problem in his past marriage? What are your thoughts?

I co-parent with my baby father and it’s been a long journey to healing, but we finally get a long quite well.



Would I Marry A Christian Man?

It depends.

I grew up in the faith, but out of all my siblings. I’m pretty much one of the few who stuck in the faith which is pretty ironic.

I discovered freedom away from the faith and even after the freedom. I still returned to the faith.

I’m a praying woman. I think that when you’ve experienced the faith, and the falling from grace. It opens your eyes to see yourself more than others, and you’re more likely to open the door to a non religious person, but once they don’t understand your values. Conflicts arise.

I also think when you open the door to a religious person, they can’t accept the part in your story where you weren’t saved, and often want to change you. I don’t mean just change you. I literally mean change everything about you and make you forget who you are because every part of your story is a part of you period.

It’s a whole contradiction of a way to live.

I will fall in love with who I fall in love with and if you’ve followed my journey to love. You would be shocked to know the type of men I fall for.

Everything you expect from me is everything I’m not. I fall in love for what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

I don’t believe religion and spirituality has anything to do with it. I don’t fall in love with a man for his walk with God. I fall in love with a man because he sees what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

The rest is a challenge, but all relationships are a challenge.

It says in the Bible that the two should be equally yolked and in marriage become one flesh. So, I understand how Christians will judge me for my answer.

However, I never once ran around saying: “I’m saved”….nor did I ever feel that church was the best place to find a man.” I think some of the best actors go to church.

There are so many unrealistic expectations people hold me to when they see I read the Bible or go to church or whatever else I do.

I think people misunderstand how humble a person I truly am. I just like reading everyone’s assumptions because I don’t put myself out in a way that says “You have to like me!” I’m actually surprised when people still do.

I think people expect me to be married or something too, and then I’m not, and they wonder why I can’t keep a man.

It’s all these expectations people put on us for how we should be. When they can’t figure it out. They make it up.

I’m just me human…..and I can’t help who I fall in love with even if the rest of the world doesn’t agree with it.

The fact of the matter is some of us are gonna be Angelina Jolie falling for married men unexpectedly and play the second wife, some of us are going to be Michelle Obama the smart girl who married the geek and ended up the president’s wife struggling with infertility as she wrote in her book. Some of us are going to be Hillary Clinton, went to college with our husband who practically cheats on us our whole marriage but we stick with him regardless if the alleged rumours are true. Some of us are going to be Melania not looking for the spotlight just being ourselves and hoping to find a fairytale being a man’s young third wife and a first lady. You get my drift. Nobody plans it. The older you get the more you realize the fairytale doesn’t exist.

I mean we can all live in fantasy with how perfect we all are but in reality this is life. I don’t know who I’ll end up with….maybe the next pastor…maybe your husband. Just being honest.

Pastors and Marital Affairs

 I grew up in the church. I sat through multiple sermons. In every church; behind every pulpit is a handsome man in one way or another. We love to praise that man or we love to hate that man. He either reminds us of things we need to change in ourselves or he helps us find a better way to live. He does it all through God and the bible of whatever doctrine of denomination he belongs to. He probably went to school and studied a whole bunch of theology. He probably went to seminary and tried to land the hottest girl on his campus. I’m not sure what makes a man want to be a pastor. A pastor is a huge responsibility. I’ve always wondered that. Well the world looks up to the preachers. I’m here to remind you that all pastors / preachers are just human.

Christianity was a lifestyle I was born into. The bible was the main book I read as a child. I memorized the scriptures. I was a very competitive person. I went to a club called: AWANA. It stands for: “Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed of the gospel of Christ.” I even attempted to memorize all the catechisms for the pastor. I pretty much succeeded. Every year we had a Christmas Pageant we would put on for the church. I always felt the Pastors Wife never gave me enough lines. Every year I’d ask her to be something else. I was an angel, and then I was a shepherd, and then I was a magi. I just wanted more lines in the pageant. Every year she gave me a bigger part. I never did get the part I wanted. It taught me though. It taught me to pay more attention in church so that maybe one day I’ll get it. My parents always raised me to some day grow up and marry a Godly man. I guess I had a dream to marry a pastor. That was my fantasy of Prince Charming. I wasn’t read fairy-tales. I was read bible stories.

I’ve been to several denominations throughout my life time. It gets confusing once you’ve had so much doctrine instilled into you. I eventually grew up looking for a church family to become a part of. I’ve been so educated by all the denominations. I started questioning everything and nobody ever had real answers. It was always: “let’s praise the pastor!” I got annoyed after a while. I left the church. I went to find God for myself. I went to find a lifestyle outside of the one I was raised in. I was in a search for truth, for Jesus, For GOD. I was in search of myself. I found myself wondering: Am I Christian or am I a Spiritual person? I eventually learned church is a great place to teach people to be grounded morally and instil values into children. Eventually, you grow up, and it can become very disheartening. You’re no longer sheltered.

As the world educated me outside the world of Christianity. I was no longer naive. I learned about heartache. I learned about heartbreak. I learned about betrayal. In my healing process trying to rewrite my relationship with GOD. I began self-educating myself outside of religion. I began a self journey. I became a very philosophical person. I became contemplative. I became a deep thinker. I told myself: “next time I enter a church. I’m not going to believe anything based on a success story.” I began to look deeper than I ever looked before. I began to realize not everybody is who they seem. We have to be careful which leaders we follow. Yes, even preachers / pastors. Marrying a pastor was no longer my dream. Reality sunk in of what being married to a pastor means. It wasn’t a life I thought was very happy. It was a life that required a lot of compromise and a lot of sacrifice.

I still continued to be fascinated by pastors / preachers. They were one of my first role-models in life. They were my comfort zone. In a way I saw them as protectors. I could never see them as anything else. Then one day I went to a church and I realized how many women are only there for the pastor but not for God. I started researching: “Pastoral Affairs.” It was amazing what a reality it is. It destroyed every fantasy I ever had about a preacher. It destroyed everything I ever believed a preacher to be. It was very damaging to everything I ever knew. It was a very enlightening moment.

In life we really have to find a balance with every part of it or we will find ourselves in places we don’t want to be. We may find ourselves idolizing the wrong type of people. I experienced church hurt several times. I decided to take my painful experiences from church and pour them into a craft I call my writing. I suppose many pastors do the same thing through their sermons. I found myself often going to church to find new perspectives. These days I find sermons to be more like self-help books and motivational talks. I guess that’s why so many women look up to preachers more than God. They appear more like career men in modern society.

Due to my curiosity. I found myself studying all types of pastors to understand what makes a good leader. A few of the traits that make a good leader are: a positive attitude, being charismatic, and being confident. I wondered how somebody could be a good leader with all those magnificent traits and not fall into the temptations in the world that so many people fall into. I continued to research: “Fallen Pastors.” In my research I discovered pastors are no different than you and me behind their facade of leadership.

How does an affair with a pastor start? It’s simple. Pastors have so much responsibility on their plates from their marriage, their family life, to caring for the church, to making sure Sunday Services are always on point. This puts a huge stress factor on a pastor and many actually burnout. We don’t want to see our pastoral leaders like this; however we need to make ourselves aware of it.

Another problem many pastors encounter within the church are the many females who attend looking for healing. They’re looking for God again and they happen to come from broken homes. In some ways they see the pastor as the father figure they never had and they begin to idolize the pastor as a celebrity rather than go to God and respect him as a spiritual leader. It’s a pastor’s job to redirect them. Often due to life circumstances – he can become weak in such circumstances himself. Pastors go to school to become pastors. They don’t go to school to be become therapists.

There are the many females in search of being a first lady and wearing the first lady hat. If a pastor is having marital problems at home – it’s very easy for him to fall into temptation. Any attention becomes good attention even bad attention. He sees a girl in his church working hard for his attention and he confuses it with the fact she’s hard for Gods attention. He gets distracted. It feeds his ego. He forgets to go to God. He doesn’t see her motives. He only sees her attention to him.  It’s an ego stroke – he’s often not getting from his wife.

It’s important to help a pastors marriage thrive so that these things don’t happen. It’s important to always uplift pastors in their marriage. It’s important to give them time with their families and allow them their own personal space outside of the church. Let’s protect the marriages of pastors.

Is it that we can’t trust our leaders / pastors or is it that we can’t accept how human they actually are? How would you feel if this was going on in your church? What are solutions to improve the marriages of pastors?