I’m always confused with my feelings. I want to do the right thing, but somehow I always end up doing the wrong thing. I believe in healing but I’m always torn between what’s in my heart, and what’s the right thing to do.
I can’t seem to win ever. Everything always seems like a lose / lose situation. I just want to be the daughter my father raised, but then I want to find my own happiness. I hate feeling like I don’t respect people it just makes me feel bad. I start to feel guilty. I sometimes give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I start to blame myself for things that aren’t my fault.
Like a man leaving and me falling in love.
I am always in love and people tell me that it’s not right. It’s like they know what’s right for me better than I do. I get so exhausted trying to live up to everybody sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be free and be happy and be me. I hate giving people false hope for things that I don’t think will last. So I walk away. I walk away every time. I break my own heart every time.
I just wish someone fought for me back to rescue me. I have to learn sometimes to speak more positively because positive words of affirmation go a long way.
In your younger years you’re always looking for that fairy-tale, that once in a life-time, that soul-mate, that happily ever-after.
….and then he leaves you dry, leaves you hanging by a thread, leaves you heart broken, leaves you in tears.
You think your the rocks at the bottom, and you’ll never find a happy ending, and life will never get better. You get desperate and the first guy who gives you attention is the guy that you settle for. You signed up for this life, and you fight to keep it. You want validation you can keep a relationship. You want validation you can keep a marriage.
Pretty soon – the honeymoon phase is over. Even married, you’re back to square one. How did this happen? You question if he’s faithful to you. You question if you need marriage counseling. You question if you can save this marriage? He no longer disappears and ghosts you and you gotta fight for him to prove that you’re the one he should choose. Now he drifts away on vactions without you, and instead of fighting for him, you already know he chose you, so you’re yelling at him for cheating on you.
Quick Question: Why was this not a problem before you married him, but now it’s a problem because you married him?
The first thing to do is be honest with yourself. In dating you know that: “Most men aren’t going to give you closure, and that’s something as a woman you’ve gotta give yourself permission to do…move on without it!” You gave yourself that permission back then, but now that he’s your husband you can’t give yourself that permission. You thought you were smart back then when you won him from the other women he had his eyes on, but now that you have him. He only fed your ego. The real deal wasn’t a prize. You think you’ve become more mature, but instead you’re drowning in your own poor choices.
You wish you listened to all the women you thought were jealous of you, instead you cared more that they validated you even if you married him for the wrong reasons. Now here you are married to a man for one reason: “To Share Bills.” You’re aware the divorce rate is around 50% and that scares you. You wonder if he has a mistress. You can’t even trust your own friends around him. You spy on him. You do everything to turn him off. Now he is checking out. You’ve become his regret. He wants to feel alive again.
As much as I should take your marriage seriously. I don’t. You will come up with all types of reasons for why I don’t.
“Oh she wants my man.”
“Oh she’s jealous.”
“Oh she can’t find a man.”
No, I don’t take your marriage seriously for something much more simpler than that.
“People take you as seriously as you take yourself.”
You didn’t taking picking a husband seriously. So, it’s hard to take you seriously. Now your husband is straying. You’ve painted him out to be a villain, but you forget the part he’s sharing with the other women. The part where he met you. The part where you hurt your friend to have him. The part where you took him from his girlfriend to win the ring. Everyone reaps what they sow, and what you reaped was karma. You knew from day one you weren’t marrying into love, but you were marrying into a competition. Now you finally feel how you made her feel, and now you want the mistress to feel what you made another woman feel.
In general most people want what they can’t have. There was a time you wanted your husband because you couldn’t have him. Understand, that’s why he’s able to cheat because it’s the only love he’s comfortable with. The way you got him is the same way the mistress is able to get him. That’s why you hate her. She’s a reflection of who used to be. You still got the ring, and he might leave you, and she might get the ring too. This is what makes married men so attractive to women.
She only sees he treats you good because that’s what you show the public as your facade. Once upon a time you only saw that he treated the girlfriend good because that’s what she showed the public as a facade. You didn’t see her broken heart of how he was cheating on her with you. You didn’t see her broken heart of how she loved him so much but he was desperate for somebody to fix him. Well, now you’re the wife and you think he owes you something because he chose you. Your mad at the mistress because she doesn’t see that you deal with the bills, the pain, and the abuse. She’s out here getting the romance, the gifts, and the dates, everything that you think you deserve. In reality what you give out is what you get back. If you wanted that type of a husband. You probably should of been honest from day one about loyalty. But you spent years of your life putting those women down for your own pride.
Now your dragging your husband off to therapy trying to hide the marital affairs and convince yourself you can work together to heal what’s broken. In reality your trust for him will never be the same, and nor was it ever there to begin with. Only your pride was. I wish I could say I respect you for being his wife. I don’t respect you because you’re staying and helping a man hurt another woman the same way you hurt another woman to win him when your marriage started. I wish I could tell you I hope you get a divorce. I instead want to show you how patterns repeat themselves. It takes some people their whole lives to become that honest with themselves. So many people are broken not because their husband started cheating. They’re broken because they chose a man to fix so they don’t have to heal their own demons, and then their demons intertwined into a love affair and that’s why their marriages are toxic.
Now your husband wants out because he finally regrets his past and how he hurt other women with his marriage, and he’s either looking for the honeymoon version of you in everyone else, or he’s looking for the girl who got away. You get back in a mate the standards you put on yourself. You get back in a mate how honest you’re willing to be about yourself and your feelings with your mate. Sometimes you yourself are keeping the past around and making your husband feel insecure, other times you’re letting him control you just to prove that you love him. The one thing you’re not doing is being true to who you are yet you’re expecting him to figure it out when what you want is something different than what he wanted. Now you’re blaming it on miscommunication but if you didn’t marry him you’d be honest that it was a poor choice in a mate.
You now sit there envying the woman you once bullied for not being married all those years you spent in inner pain. Some day may you learn to:
LOVE enough to LET GO
Love enough to RESPECT.
Love enough to Appreciate.
In the end were all figuring our way out in this blessing / curse we called life. It is both a blessing and a curse because there are times of happiness and there are times of sadness. Sometimes were going to be up, and sometimes were going to be down. When were up…we should never be so high and almighty we forget what it’s like to be down. When were down…we should never be so negative that we burden people as if were not appreciating their efforts. Everything goes back to our attitudes in each circumstances. God can give and God can take. In the end….Stay Humble. We all reap what we sow.
Can you feel a shift in the atmosphere? Throughout my life the ones who paid attention to me are the people I would have never believed would even notice my existence. It’s all those people who don’t know me but paid attention when the rest walked out that taught me: “GOD IS WITH YOU IN EVERY STEP!” Sometimes in life you’re going to get used to being the outcast, the underdog, the one you think nobody cares about, but it’s all to shift you into your purpose.
I believe that when you look into my life you see chapters. Not all the chapters are solid, but you also see growth. I hate failing, and I always feel I need to rise up from the haters, rise up from the nay-sayers. I want everyone I started with to believe in a brighter tomorrow and that is my push-factor. How can they believe that tomorrow is brighter if all I see is darkness? I learned a long time a go to run to GOD, and not to people. Every time a storm comes. Every time I want to give into the hate and run back to the past. I feel a shift in the atmosphere, and I feel GOD keeping me. People often ask me: “Why do you believe in GOD?” They often tell me how he’s not real.
I often wish I could give them some fake answer like most pastors have given me over the years because their egos got involved or they like the aspect of control that leadership has or some other negative thing. They often see themselves as GOD instead of GOD as GOD. The reality is: I have no answer.
It’s just in my heart. It’s just in my faith. I don’t believe that it’s easy to believe in GOD until something happens in your life where all you have is GOD to fall back on. I guess for me that just started early on. The way God has carried me through. I just can’t not believe in him. Every single day of my life people love to remind me of who I was, instead of get to know for who I am. That hurts. It shows they aren’t friends for the right reasons ; nor do they have the right intentions with me.
I’m happy to build myself up against all odds, and all those people who loved seeing me fail. I love building myself up even though they believe I should still be there back in my past and they’re constantly wondering what I have different than them. I can only respond to them and tell them: “I still LOVE YOU, the way you didn’t love me, when I needed you to love me.”
Sometimes you just got to let go of the negative energy, and surround yourself by positive energy. I unfortunately have both. I have people who try to uplift me, and people who I feel need me. I also have people who try to tear me down, people who try to break me. I got strong folks. I got weak folks. I got Godly friends. I got atheist friends. I got superficial GODLY friends. I got friends who rather just live comfortably. I got friends who hurt me. I got friends who heal me. I got friends who hate me. I got friends who love me. You get my drift?
I learned to embrace everybody because were all the same on the inside. Were all just writing a different page of our story. I’ve made my own mistakes too….so who am I to decide what type of person somebody else is? We all mess up sometimes. I dislike that in Christians. Christians who forget that JESUS is about love, forgiveness, and compassion. The devil is about the rest. I think we all need a little more GOD, I think we could all learn to love a little harder. I’m not better than anybody. I have a lot of regrets too. We all do if were honest with ourselves. I just love everybody period. It’s the only way to live right.
Give GOD the glory in all things.
I love the song “Forgiven Me,” by Mary Mary and “I look to you,” by Whitney Houston. Some of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard because of how humble the lyrics are. Gospel music gets me through all the hard days. I always find myself on a journey with my faith and in my life. Life has ups and downs. Life isn’t always perfect. Life doesn’t always go the way I want it to. I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I’ve had my spirit crushed. I’ve lost my way. I’ve found myself in paths I didn’t want to be on. I’ve met dark tunnels I didn’t know how to get out of.
I’ve experienced a lot of church hurt in my life. I completely understand why people hate God, hate church, and hate Christianity. I know how easy it is to fall down from grace. I’ve been there. I even have trouble dating sometimes simply because my life hasn’t always been christian choices and yet I try to stick to a Christian path. I’m constantly put down. I’m constantly compared. I’m constantly facing critics. I’m constantly dealing with demons and people who prey on my vulnerabilities. It’s so easy to want to give up my faith some days. There are nights I literally cry myself to sleep because I’m not good enough. I’ve been on my own walk like everyone else. I’m only human like everyone else.
People always think they can look at your outside and judge your relationship with GOD. I never look at anybody’s past to define them or who they’re in GOD. I look at their present, their growth process, and the testimony that they’ve built up. I believe that God loves the humble and that we all experience heartache that can cause us to crumble.
I’ve learned to avoid people who claim to be perfect. I find they come across self righteous. When I meet them in church. I wonder if their intentions are even in the right place. I think intentions matter more than anything.
People always ask me: “Why are you Christian?” or “How do you know that God is real?” I was just born into the church and it’s all I ever knew. I grew up and searched for happiness in all the wrong places and in the end I always found myself empty without God in my life. There are times I’ve strayed far from GOD, but when all I found was darkness. I always knew that God was there. I’m CHRISTIAN because I have faith in a creator who wants what’s best for me and calls me to a purpose and every day I see how he’s transformed me and I hope I can inspire others so he can transform them the same.
I know God is real because of all the miracles I’ve seen him do. My mother was pregnant with my baby sister and the doctor told her if she doesn’t abort my sister her and my sister won’t make it. My mom told the doctor “if this the way I’m meant to die, then let this be the way I die.” She lost so much weight during pregnancy. She ended up being put in a isolation room. She was extremely sick. God brought her through it. My sister is a grown woman today and she empowers so many people. I look at her and I can’t imagine life without her. She’s my inspiration. I always remember the way the story would of went if my mom hadn’t fought for her. I now look at my sister and I know that God was part of all of our lives.
I date and my love life fails many times, but I know it’s because deep down I long to be equally yoked with a Godly man. I hate that feeling when you love somebody who can’t respect your loyalty. I hate that feeling when you’re giving 100 to people who are giving you zero. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. In the end I grew stronger for it. It was the heartache that helped me turn my life back to GOD. The bible says that the sacrifices of god are a contrite heart and a broken spirit.
I know that God is where real love is. We can’t fix anybody – only God can do the fixing. I could care less what somebody did in their past because I know I’ve lived a life far from perfect in the eyes of the God who created me. I may not smoke. I may not do drugs. I still have emotions and they often get the best of me.
I watch people fall due to bad experiences not because they’re bad people. I’ve watched people become leaders who didn’t belong there. I read my bible constantly because it helps me get through every dark day. I don’t care who someone can polish themselves up to be. I care who they are when God tells them to stand alone even if nobody would follow them to do what’s right. If somebody isn’t that courageous in GOD – I don’t care how praised they are. I care what’s in their character. I seen too many rugged roads to ever praise false success.
Being a girl with my past and my life. I’ve witnessed more double lives than one could count. I’ve often had those double lives placed on me by people who wanted to save themselves or spare their own images. I’ve dealt with eveything there is to deal with and I know how many times I could have the polished image if I didn’t know God in my life.
It’s easier to lie to save your reputation than it is to be honest enough to save your peace. I’d rather spare my character with GOD because in the end one God is bigger than anything. In the end God raises us up from who we are in private not who we are in our public persona.
Now sometimes I meet good guys and I’m so guarded I push them away. I push them away because of how many lukewarm Christians I’ve come across. The world is changing to the point where pastors are no longer doing it for a calling but for a career. I learnt the hard way that just because somebody appears Godly. It doesn’t mean that they are. I also found more people outside of church with a fire for God than inside of it. I learned to listen to peoples stories instead of read their covers.
I believe in God because even in the midst of chaos God is still there. I believe when you truly make God the center of your life. You learn to put standards on every part of your life no matter who hurt you. When you heal the hurt in the wrong ways. You find hurt cycles. When you heal the hurt in the right ways. You find yourself. The day you find yourself God finds you and keeps his promises to you.
He looks at who you are inside your heart when everybody else looks at all the things dumped on you that nobody realizes how strong you were to take the fall through it all to see your enemies shine. I know that God sees through all of it.
In the end I know that on the other side of the Tunnel. I still find GOD. It’s not about religion or Christianity. It’s about finding peace with oneself. It’s about finding peace with ones life. If you allow God to help you find that. I think it’s the most beautiful thing you could ever do. I’ve always been a broken person who never lost my faith in a almighty GOD.
I usually have a Easter Dinner on the Sunday to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ in the form of a feast. I usually spend Good Friday in reflection mode respecting the story of the crucifixion of Jesus. I’ve spent so many Easter Long weekends in church for as long as I can remember. It’s the story of Jesus and what he did on the cross that is recognized in Christianity as the greatest love of all. I’ve learned through it how to be humble even when life starts to crumble.
I think the story of the cross is a valuable one even if you’re not into Christianity. It teaches many valuable principles. I always feel like Easter is a time for me to build a closer relationship with Jesus, and realize what’s important in life.
I know were all excited for this long weekend. The majority of people are preparing for Easter Egg Hunts with their children, celebrating the Easter Bunny, Going on trips, and eating lots of chocolates. I’ve done all that too. I’ve also participated in trick-or-treating and parties on Halloween although it wasn’t really part of my Christian upbringing. I’ve been on my own faith journey.
I think we all go through a different growth process in our walk with Jesus, and in the end it’s for God to judge. I admire people like Mother Teresa. She created a lot of controversy like many of those in the christian faith. She also built a legacy of what it means to be humble.
Here is my reflection on what it means to be a Christian taken out of my diary:
As a christian. This world is your battleground. You are a warrior for GOD. You are a soldier in a army (God’s army.) You are defeating an even bigger army (Satan’s army.) The earth was cursed by God with sin and death when Eve sinned in the garden of eden. The earth was given to you to tempt you to join the other side. The earth is your temptation to hold onto. The bible was given to be your staff, your sword, and your vessel. Your life was given to be your journey of faith and hope. Your challenge is ministry, and obedience to GOD. Your job is not judgement, but ministry, and prayer. You don’t know whom GOD chose. Sin was created to be so much more fun, and give you an easier life. Standing up for the cross is what you need to do each time sin tempts you. You have no shame in it. If you have a little bit of shame in Jesus, and the cross you must question your intentions. Ask yourself: Why should he have died for you? Answer: He shouldn’t of. Ask yourself: If he died for me… why? Answer: He still did. Answer: Because he is a God of love for those whom he chose.
There are many people who question themselves every day because they understand the cross. They say: “Jesus, why did you choose me, and if you did, why me?”
When you can finally ask yourself that question. You understand salvation is not something to find comfort in. You understand that as Ephesians 2:8-9 says it is a gift and only a gift. You don’t need to put on a show for everyone. You just need them to see through your actions and your words where you stand. You need to stand firm in your faith, and your beliefs. Your salvation remains between you and god – not you and people. Everybody made their mistakes, and everybody sins. Sometimes you will slip, but you have to remember to repent. You have to remember to ask forgiveness not just from GOD, but from those whom you hurt. They may hate you, but you must show respect regardless. People may hurt you, and break your heart. You must show respect regardless. You must set the example. The example Christ set for you.
They may wonder why you’re being so easy on them, and they may laugh. Remember your past, and Jesus died on the cross, and was easy on you. Remember he gave you the gift you didn’t deserve. If people don’t see your attitude. They won’t see your faith. When you fight for GOD, and God’s army. You will get mocked, spat on, laughed at, hated on. In the back of your head you will remain humble always remembering God’s promise.
God’s promise of eternal life, and you will continue to fight for your GOD. If your life is too comfortable. You have stopped fighting. Remember you’re a warrior. When Jesus died on the cross. He died for you so that you could live. So why do you think he would let you have a comfortable life? Get out there and let him lead you exactly where he needs you. He gave his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. His strength is already in you. You must first have faith in yourself so that he can put his faith in you.
Remember, it doesn’t matter who hates you. Critics will always be there. As a christian – you have no time to hate because in your heart you know you already have Jesus.
”The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart.” (Psalms 51:17)
I’ve had a busy month working on projects for all sorts of things. I’ve had an emotional month as well. I think having something to keep at the center of your life is so important. I keep Jesus at the center of mine. Happy Easter!!!!
I go into my solitude sometimes. I get down on my knees and I fold my hands together. I close my eyes. I meditate and I start saying my prayers.
I’ve strayed far from you. I know you are a God of Grace. I know you are a God of Mercy. I know you are a God of forgiveness. I know you are a God of love. Please forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday. Please have mercy on me for all my imperfections. Please grow me into a person who lives accordingly to your will. Please give me courage. Please give me strength. Please give me hope to face tomorrow. I just want to be the best person I can can be. In Jesus name AMEN.”
I open my eyes and I read over my poem that I keep with me through all hard times. Through every heartache, and every heartbreak.
I’m just sitting here at home.
Silently, I’m all alone.
Waiting by my phone. You got me waiting by my phone.
You got me checking. You got me checking my missed calls.
You got me counting. You got me counting our downfalls.
I keep on checking. I keep on checking my in-box.
I keep on texting. I keep on texting your in-box.
I keep on focusing, trying to distract myself with school.
Player, don’t you know – you got me looking like a fool?
You got me calling – wondering why you haven’t answered mine.
You got me stalling – asking did our love run outta time?
Here I am still chasing ; all this time you have me wasting.
All this time I spent forgiving ; now it’s time for me to start living.
Time is up – it’s time for you to go.
All your act was only show.
All this time you had me thinking
My life just slowly sinking.
My life just fading slowly away.
My dreams wishing for one more yesterday.
Player, don’t you know? It’s time for you to go.
Yesterday, I picked up my phone.
I was attempting to dial your phone.
Someone answered ; it wasn’t you.
He told me he understood what I was going through.
All that time I spent knocking, knocking on your door.
All that time I spent begging, begging for more.
This man told me he was doing for me, what I was doing for you.
This man told me he was doing for you, what I was doing for you.
Now I don’t need to cry no more tears.
Now I don’t need to have no more fears.
Now I don’t need to feel alone.
With love, and protection, he’s filled my home.
All I need to say is THANK-YOU JESUS.
All I need to say is I LOVE YOU JESUS.
So now I’m praying for you instead.
No more troubles running through my head.
Now like an angel – I’m going to shine.
It was JESUS on the other line!
I had to find forgiveness for you because I knew the way Jesus always found forgiveness for me. I was raised in the church but I’ve always felt driven away by them – no matter which one. As a child I went – it was easy to memorize every verse in the bible. I’m very good at memorizing. It was easy to do good works. I have no problem doing the motions. It was easy to pay attention to the sermons, and show up every SUNDAY. My heart wasn’t in it.
Growing up in a religious home – I’ve read the bible probably more than most people. I’ve listened to it. It’s all my father ever played in his house on his surround sound speakers. I just often found it boring. I found it an obligation. I often found myself more confused than blessed by it.
Every church I go to seems to say they’re the only right church with the only true doctrine. Every single church I’ve gone to – I found something that doesn’t make sense. I prayed on it. I read on it. I did daily devotions. I was still confused. Pastors and Leaders in the church often act like they save people. They treat parishioners as if they have power over their congregations and that the parishioners should make an idol out of them like a God or a Celebrity figure.
Pastors can preach the bible to the best of their knowledge, but nobody understands it 100%. In the end it’s GOD who opens our eyes as we read through it and he gives us knowledge about who he is. Hopefully through doing our daily devotions we will come to know him and Christ as our personal lord and saviour. In the end it’s GOD who decides. God knows who is standing for him and who is standing against him.
The churches I went to always drove me away, and that’s when I didn’t have standards any-more. I didn’t have fake morals to lead my life. They worked for a bit ; eventually the discipline the church had on me wasn’t working any-more.
I was only doing the motions. My heart wasn’t in it. Baptism didn’t purify me – it was only a symbol. The church shouldn’t be able to have that kind of control over us and our lives. We should be able to live a CHRISTLIKE life without the church watching us 24/7. I believe when the church isn’t around us ; that’s when we know what our desire for JESUS really is.
I know I myself have messed up so much in my life. There was a time I hated GOD so much and I asked him: “Lord if you really exist – Why is my life so miserable?” I rejected his presence in my life completely. I became atheist, and that way I didn’t have standards to live by. This lifestyle I started to live made temptation more accessible and more acceptable.
I pushed my family away when I needed them the most. I was so miserable, so unhappy. There were days I was overwhelmed with depression. Life was a lot to bare, and I didn’t want to deal with it any-more. I wanted to escape.
Even in church I felt I couldn’t go to the people in there. They didn’t make me feel worthy of being there. I’m not the type of person who continues on in a place where I feel unwelcome and unwanted.
So WHAT DID I DO? I did the next normal thing people do. I surrounded myself by people who were like me and were willing to listen without judging me. I became my own worst enemy caught up in all the peer pressure. I found myself attracted to drama and attracted to pain. I was having pre-marital sex with men who didn’t love me. I became a handful to deal with. I was always in tears and I always felt like a victim.
I tried to be strong and hide my tears. I hid my pain in void fillers and empty relationships. I didn’t want to be anybody’s burden. I felt alone and depressed. The more I left GOD. The more I lived it. The more acceptable it became.
Society accepted it, so I guess it was okay (at the time.) I felt like the people I surrounded myself with were the only people listening to me. I felt like they were the only people who cared. I felt better like I had friends but they weren’t real friends. I couldn’t talk to them about anything because I didn’t want to be the center of anybody’s gossip. I know how people could use prayer as gossip.
I know I haven’t always lived the best life. I know I’ve made my own set of mistakes I’m not proud of. I know how hard I tried to be nice to everyone, but the truth is, a real friend never is. A real friend tells us the truth, and tells us stuff we need to hear, not stuff we want to hear. That I wasn’t. Those are the kind of people we often push away.
Those are the same people who look out for us through the toughest times. I thank my family every day for that! They never been fake with me. At the same time sometimes being a friend is showing people tough love, and sometimes we have to let people make mistakes so that they can learn to appreciate life more. We need to be ignorant and just pray for them and let GOD do the rest.
I’ve had to overcome a lot of depression in my faith journey. I’m not perfect, but I’ve come a long way from where I was. I know everything that GOD puts us through is for a reason. God will never put us through something we can’t handle. God tests us in many different ways. Somehow, we always seem to fail God’s tests. God always knows what he’s doing even if we don’t.
I’ve learned that life is never easy for anyone. I think sometimes GOD makes our lives so miserable to see how far we will go to stand by him or stand against him. Sometimes our lives are unhappy and God puts us through things because he wants to know if were willing to stand strong in the test he has for us.
God wants to know we will never quit on him. We may preach stuff and we may teach stuff. When god comes to test us he will test us to the end of our limits to see if our faith, trust, hope, belief, and strength is really in him. At the end of the day we need to learn to have faith in the one who created us, and that he will always pull us through it.
Disobedience to GOD will only lead to more misery. No matter how bad our struggles are. We need to have the desire to do what’s right, and GOD is a loving GOD. Once we put our faith in him – he will guide our path and maybe he will bless our life, and by our example help to bless someone else’s life as well.
God is an amazing GOD full of grace, love and compassion once you understand him.
I was a little girl in the fifth grade growing up trying to find myself. My hair was brunette, and always cut into some hideous mush-room cut. I looked like a little boy. It was so uneven. It was humiliating. I embraced it. My mom wasn’t exactly a hair-stylist, but she gave me home-made hair-cuts. It was all we could afford. I appreciated it.
I never liked dolls. I hated barbies. I liked playing sports in my backyard. I liked playing with toy cars and making them race each-other. I liked playing with marbles. I was a tom-boy. I was so ridiculously weird. This has made my life a little complicated.
You wouldn’t know all that looking at me today. I learned how to become a classy looking lady who embraces make-up, high-heels, and beautiful dresses. I come across women who hate me and judge me for my outside without knowing my inside. I come across men who feel rejected by me and tear me to pieces because I can be so choosy.
It often makes me wonder why people take rejection so harshly when rejection is all I’ve ever known. It’s like I’m a mean person because I don’t want to live in places of hurt I’ve already been. It’s like I’m a mean person because I have empathy and in the end I know I still have to stay loyal to my dreams. It’s like I can never win.
It often brings me right back to that little girl. The little girl who dreamed of the day I’d have friends. The little girl who had none. I remember waking up every day knowing that I was going to school to another day of being bullied. I rarely ever stood up to my bullies. I always took it. I always showed compassion. I always showed forgiveness.
I remember the days I’d go home crying, burying my tears into my pillow cases. I’d open up journals and I’d start writing. I’d wrip up the pages and throw them out. I’d hide out in my books and I’d read. I felt like the characters in the books became my friends. I fell in love with the fantasy world that so many authors created for little girls being bullied like me. There are so many authors who don’t even realize how much of a gift they are for those of us who had to endure bullying.
I read and I read and through my reading I learned about people. I had a dream. I had a vision. I dreamed that one day I’d find my place in the world. I never had nice clothes. I always wore hand-me-downs from my older sister or clothes my mother purchased at a thrift shop. She never had the best taste in fashion. She still instilled into me the attitude of gratitude and what it means to be grateful for what you have. I never got to have the nicest gadgets all the other students in my class always had. There were days I was envious. There were days I was jealous.
I’d always run home: “Mommy, can I have this?”
and she’d always reply: “No, we can’t afford it.”
I was pretty much a loner. The ugly kid in the class. I look back remembering how I was made to feel, and every day of my life that little girl has never left me.
I still remember us setting goals and on those goal sheets the assistant teacher made us write. I remember the assistant teacher got to me and I wrote down: “I want to be an author.” She looked at me and how lonely I felt in the world. She took her red pen and she wrote: “I hope one day I see your name on a book.”
I’ve carried this dream with me throughout my life even when most of the time I think I fail at it. It’s the only thing that ever stays with me. Friends come and friends go. Boyfriends pretend to love me, and boyfriends leave me. I cry sometimes thinking: The world is so unfair.
It’s in those tears I learned to pour my heart out. I never saw myself as a writer. I saw myself as someone with a hobby. It was my way of not dealing with the world. As a little girl. I learned the world could be quite cruel.
I grew up. I got a makeover. I made friends. The friends I made were not genuine. When I got hurt in my teenage years. I wasn’t hurt for being bullied. I was hurt because I was being used. I was a vulnerable spirit living in a world I wasn’t prepared for thinking that once I was noticed the world would be kind to me. The world actually made me feel more empty.
Disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. Betrayal after betrayal. Break up after break up. It went on into my young adulthood. I started feeling sorry for myself wondering what I was doing so wrong? I started attracting pain and pain started attracting me. It was my normal.
I found rock bottom. If you’ve been there you know the desperate state you’re in. I just knew in my heart there was a better way of life. I looked for it and never found it. I found a bunch of friends. I wasn’t fulfilled. It’s like I always felt like a part of me was missing. I always felt like I was compromising who I was. I started hearing everybody around me telling me how I was never good enough to be them. It was like I was trapped in a box of other peoples dreams instead of my own. I started to believe the lies. I started to think I need to change myself so they will like me. I realized the harder you try at anything. The more people who will come to break you down. I kept getting broken down. The destructive patterns just wouldn’t stop.
I thought I was able to do it by myself and I had to learn that throughout life we all need teachers. We all need people who will mentor us and show us the ropes. I often thought about the American Dream and running away to Hollywood. I think we all have those dreams sometimes. Hollywood is just the screen. Everything that we become starts with who we already are. It just becomes magnified once we start living in our purpose.
I had to accept that I wasn’t perfect, and that I had fallen down. I fell down into the mentality of playing the victim card. Playing that card always attracts the wrong people. The people who prey on our vulnerabilities. I had to remind myself that the past is not the future. I had to continue on in the girl I already was and embrace her. There are so many things in life that are put there to destroy us, to put fear in us, and we need to know who we are so that who we are is always enough.
Now I know what it means to be a dreamer. It means to live up to people who already been there and allow them to teach you how to grow. It was the day I understood that – I had a different attitude towards everything. The hard part about this different attitude is you look back and you see the people who treat you like you’re a competition, and it’s not a competition. There is a path and a lane for everyone. Sometimes you look back with empathy and other times you move forwards with dignity. I learned you can’t please everyone. People will hate you if you put yourself first. People will hate you if you put yourself last.
That’s never the end goal. The end goal is to fight so hard for your dreams that you’re in a place to give back. You can’t give what you don’t have. I think so many times we try so hard for the image. We forget to create the lifestyle.