“You need to fix your hair!”
“I’m going to pay for you to have brand name clothes.”
“You need a hair cut.”
“If you love me cut your hair like this, so I can take you out in public.”
It was extremely insulting, and I was extremely offended.
He thought that treating me like this was his way of feeling secure in our relationship. If I listened, if I was submissive than I was worth keeping. I decided to take off all my nice clothes and wear clothes from the thrift shop. I decided to take off all my make-up and embrace my natural beauty. He stopped trying to control me once he realized I was confident in my natural self. To me: he was the one not secure in himself and wanted me to be his trophy girlfriend.
Any time a man tries to change you – being a submissive woman is not the solution. He may turn out to be happy, but you won’t be. In the end that man is testing if he can manipulate you or not. Often these men will cheat on you if you listen to them. They want you to be confused stuck in the thought process of: “I did all this for you to like me….why don’t you like me anymore?”
It’s how they gain power over you. The second they have power over you ; they’re free to have their cake and eat it too. This is a red flag. No woman with value even gives those men the time of day and if she does he will devalue her as someone to cheat on. Don’t even respond to men like that. Not worth it. What will hurt them is the fact you found better and didn’t want them either and that’s exactly what men like this deserve.
It is the fact that I learned to read through games that has stopped me from jumping into relationships.
How does she now conform?
I see the make-up upon her face ; her head that stares in space.
I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!
People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.
So you want him back?
I bet your in love with somebody who replaced you. Now he’s telling you how he don’t need you anymore. He’s telling you how he’s too busy for you. He’s telling you how he’s happy with somebody else. He’s telling you how he found somebody better. You haven’t even had time to mourn the break-up.
The lies. The games. The mess he’s playing with your emotions. He’s not being clear and he’s giving you false hope.
He wants to make you JEALOUS hoping he gets some sort of reaction you still want him.
It’s called a man who is smooth.
It’s called a man who is a player.
He fools you that the other woman is special ; meanwhile he had you convinced that you were special.
I bet he’s attractive…ughh… can I hear the word CHARMER?
You just gotta move forwards. Some people come into your life as simply a lesson.
What you should do in those situations is become vulnerable. Don’t let your pride and ego get in the way. Love sometimes means to be vulnerable and when you’re both in that space you can discuss your unmet needs and maybe care about resolving them and appreciating each-other again.
It’s like people tend to create dramatic scenarios and it’s almost no wonder people cheat on them. I know one thing about a man. The day you took him to your pastor/marriage therapist was the same day he started leaving the marriage. I know one thing about women….the day she started cussing you out was the same day she was telling you she needs reassurance again.
Love and hate are both passion. You both gotta learn to communicate better period. All this other stuff is you two growing a part.
The rest dramatic.
Things can resolve with appreciation from the woman, reassurance from the man, effective communication. When you love people ..you don’t find their flaws. You show them their strengths. People change when respect is given and reciprocated. The rest of the time you all might as well go your separate ways. It won’t get better. It will only get better if you see yourself too. Most you all only see your spouse. My sentiments on that.
How I feel towards women who date my exes:
In order to actually be like me: You gotta know how to stand up for what you believe in without compromising yourself for a man!!!
You think you won, but little do you know – I told him to keep you! It hurt for a bit, but over time as I’ve healed. I’ve come to the realization that me and him were
In the end that’s why I’m still in his head, and you’re still here hating hating, funny thing is I’ve been long gone.
Why did you want to take my place so badly?
I now have the whole world to enjoy – I can now search for my true match.
The only person you ever saw in him was me – why did you want him just because of how you saw him treat me?
It’s hard not to love myself when I know you continually follow my lead to a good man instead of discovering your own path.
Well you’re getting frustrated, angry, resentful. I want to feel bad for you and this karma that you sowed for yourself. I instead I’m praying for you because you think this is all that you’re worth.
The way he treats you. I will never allow a man to treat me.
I wish sometimes you had a father figure to show you that the way he loves you is not the way a man loves.
“I’m living like Cinderella…Prince Charming come find me.” I tell myself that daily. I want to give you advice on how to move on from your ex, but how can I, when I still got lost in my ex? I know he’s not coming back for a relationship and the only thing he has to offer me is a situation-ship. Yet I crave it. Yet I crave him. Yet, I hate the drama, but at the same time I’m addicted to it. I guess he’s my choice of a drug. I’d tell everyone else how toxic and unhealthy it is, but when it comes to myself. All I want is to be in passionate madness with him.
My emotions are taking over my logic. Where is my common sense?
I know that: “What’s meant to be will always be, and what’s not meant to be will never be.”
Sometimes in life you can love somebody who is gone, you can stay loyal to somebody who is not there. It’s like you’ve become afraid of happiness, and you’ve settled with mediocrity believing there is no such thing as a happy ending. I guess that’s where I am. How do you heal from the pain? How do you move past the broken heart?
I know I need to accept that the past is gone. I know I need to grow from this experience, and some day be on a page where I can empathize with others in the same situation. I’m in this healing process, and well I am. I got people making up my lifestyle, and it hurts. I’m not dating at all, at night when I turn off the lights. I still go to bed alone.
I meet new men sometimes and they seem like a catch, but in reality they’re just potentials. I don’t know them past the facade. Am I afraid to take a leap of faith? Is my own fear stopping me from loving them? Those are some justifications I’ve heard for why we find a place in our growth process where we no longer let love in. In reality as I’ve healed from the past….my standards in a man have increased. I look at a man now, and I’ve grown and I realize I’m not on his level of games anymore.
“Why do you want to run back and sleep with your ex then?”
It’s simple my ex is my last memory. Memories don’t just fade. A lot of times people find a rebound and block out their ex. I’m not blocking my ex out. I’m facing the heartache and facing the heartache is forcing me to heal it. If I were to jump into a new relationship right now. I’d just carry the baggage with him over to that relationship before it’s healed.
The length of a relationship means absolutely nothing on how healthy a couple is together even if that couple is married. Sometimes it just means two people who share the same demons who find comfort in being toxic together. My bible says: “Don’t covet.” You have no clue what lies behind the mask of the picture that is being portrayed. Just breathe. Just live life. I think that when you meet the person you think you’re destined to be with it’s important to be: “Friends first.”
This way you can study them like your favourite piece of artwork and make sure that you complement each-other well. I think it’s important to accept that the person you match with may have a past, but if you have a past too….why does their past matter? Court eachother. If you can relate there’s a chance you’re both in a stage of maturity and can help eachother climb into the next chapter of life. All of life is a growth process. A man is going to change for a woman he truly wants and not because she is fixing him, but because he knows she’s the best he has ever found, and he does it freely. He will fear losing her. Sometimes you and your ex are going to drift a part and maybe in the future meet again. Life is a journey. You just gotta ride the waves of it.
I grew up in the faith, but out of all my siblings. I’m pretty much one of the few who stuck in the faith which is pretty ironic.
I discovered freedom away from the faith and even after the freedom. I still returned to the faith.
I’m a praying woman. I think that when you’ve experienced the faith, and the falling from grace. It opens your eyes to see yourself more than others, and you’re more likely to open the door to a non religious person, but once they don’t understand your values. Conflicts arise.
I also think when you open the door to a religious person, they can’t accept the part in your story where you weren’t saved, and often want to change you. I don’t mean just change you. I literally mean change everything about you and make you forget who you are because every part of your story is a part of you period.
It’s a whole contradiction of a way to live.
I will fall in love with who I fall in love with and if you’ve followed my journey to love. You would be shocked to know the type of men I fall for.
Everything you expect from me is everything I’m not. I fall in love for what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t believe religion and spirituality has anything to do with it. I don’t fall in love with a man for his walk with God. I fall in love with a man because he sees what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️
The rest is a challenge, but all relationships are a challenge.
It says in the Bible that the two should be equally yolked and in marriage become one flesh. So, I understand how Christians will judge me for my answer.
However, I never once ran around saying: “I’m saved”….nor did I ever feel that church was the best place to find a man.” I think some of the best actors go to church.
There are so many unrealistic expectations people hold me to when they see I read the Bible or go to church or whatever else I do.
I think people misunderstand how humble a person I truly am. I just like reading everyone’s assumptions because I don’t put myself out in a way that says “You have to like me!” I’m actually surprised when people still do.
I think people expect me to be married or something too, and then I’m not, and they wonder why I can’t keep a man.
It’s all these expectations people put on us for how we should be. When they can’t figure it out. They make it up.
I’m just me human…..and I can’t help who I fall in love with even if the rest of the world doesn’t agree with it.
The fact of the matter is some of us are gonna be Angelina Jolie falling for married men unexpectedly and play the second wife, some of us are going to be Michelle Obama the smart girl who married the geek and ended up the president’s wife struggling with infertility as she wrote in her book. Some of us are going to be Hillary Clinton, went to college with our husband who practically cheats on us our whole marriage but we stick with him regardless if the alleged rumours are true. Some of us are going to be Melania not looking for the spotlight just being ourselves and hoping to find a fairytale being a man’s young third wife and a first lady. You get my drift. Nobody plans it. The older you get the more you realize the fairytale doesn’t exist.
I mean we can all live in fantasy with how perfect we all are but in reality this is life. I don’t know who I’ll end up with….maybe the next pastor…maybe your husband. Just being honest.
Ponder This: I’ve heard people say that they can be in love with 2 people at the same time. What are your thoughts?
Yes. I can love five men at once. I really can.
#1. I can love the fact that this man over here has morals and integrity, but he can’t put it down for me in the bedroom.
#2. I can love the fact that this man over here can put it down for me in the bedroom, but he has no morals and integrity.
#3. I can love the fact that I have a past with this man over here. It’s true what they say about soul-ties. They’re hard to break, but in the same note I can hate this man for the way he treated me in the past.
#4. I can love the fact that I see this man over here in my future, but I can also hate this man for the fact he’s not patient enough for the fact I’m still not over my past.
#5. I can love this last man over here simply because he is the peacemaker in all of my poor decisions in life and in love and in the same note I can send him off to the friendzone.
Every single day we compartmentalize our love for others, and every day we stay loyal and break our own hearts simply because emotionally we’re sending out our love into five different directions and it’s messing up our perspectives in love.
This is when I have to take a step back and say: “Hey all you men after me messing with my head. If I choose one of you. One of you gets hurt.”
Most men seem to like competition though – maybe it’s their ego? It seems rather vain to me. In the end, my mind and my heart go to war and I end up choosing nobody because that’s just the way I am. For a faithful woman. I set myself up for failure in love.
I could end up single for two years and look like I’ve been with five men because of it simply because as women we process things differently than men do – or do we? Men tend to categorize us like she’s my woman I’m having sex with, she’s my future wife, she’s my side-chick. They tend to go in those type of rotations for which they’ve learnt to deal with the saying: “He’s a player.” They sometimes ghost us or they often want to fight for us when they can’t have us.
Us on the other hand, we compartmentalize men emotionally. At the end of the day. I will choose whatever man I’m looking for at that certain point in my life. If what I want is a good sexual partner – I’ll end up choosing a man who gives me good sex. I was watching FAMILY FEUD and one of the questions was “how important is sex in your life out of ten?” and the top answer was 8 out of 10. People do prioritize sex in their relationships. The hurtful realization of choosing a man that way is yes he’ll be drawn to me through the magnet of attraction, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to respect me. As women, as much as we want attention and to be flattered in a relationship, we want to be respected because as I’ve stated, men often put us into categories too. I’ll end up hurt over the situation because what I start to want in my life once I invest into the soul-tie he will no longer want in his. It will become serious for me when it was never that serious to him. As an example that’s why people always say it’s love, but what it really is is what’s in our comfort zone in that moment of time we are in in our lives.
We tend to love aspects of others and when we love aspects of others – we end up choosing men who are like us. We often attract back to us the exact way that we see ourselves. Everybody else becomes unworthy because were only seeing our own brokenness; not the love language a good man may be trying to give us. It’s funny how we all want a great thing or a great catch in the opposite sex until we actually have it. It reminds us how imperfect we actually are and it makes us too insecure to be in the relationship. We become scared of it. We’re all scared of the unknown in general. Sometimes we’re so scared of a good thing, we often settle for toxic loves. We often listen to our friends advice because they just go with whatever we want. They never really think about what’s right for us. They usually think about what’s right for us in their presence. At the end of the day we know toxic love won’t reject us, but we always feel unknown love will. So yes, men and women do tend to love a lot of men and women at once. They really do.
I have come to learn that “LOVE IS PATIENT. LOVE IS LONGSUFFERING.” and we can look at the way we love certain men. It’s like looking in a mirror at ourselves and realizing when we do that what we have isn’t love. How can we truly love somebody else until we’ve learnt to love ourselves? You can’t give love to somebody else you haven’t already given to yourself.
Anytime we see those destructive patterns in our lives. We need to take a break from love and fly solo for a bit while we figure out who we are. If we don’t learn who we are – how will we ever find the right person to match with who we are? How will we ever find a soul-mate who aligns with us?
In life we need to find enough confidence in ourselves to say: “I still love you, but you don’t align with my spirit.”
There is so much heartache in the world. Why do we have to add more to ourselves and to other people? We must study our own weaknesses and learn the strengths in others so we know where we can be helped in love and vice versa. Often times we only see the weaknesses in others and only the thought that we deserve perfection. Many times were quick to throw in the towel in situations that can be resolved simply by outsiders opinions. We need to learn more how when we meet a soulmate we can balance each other out to find harmony in the relationship.
Love is very special and authentic. To love somebody is to love them wholeheartedly and find all those aspects in five different people in one person and one person alone. To love somebody is to love them when you see their flaws, and until somebody loves somebody with their flaws. How can they love? They have not looked in a mirror long enough to see their own, and that’s what love is.
No, I do not believe a person can love more than one person in such a way. They must love in such a way that even when the person let’s their soul open – they will fight to protect them because they love them. People are so protective of their energies as humans we can only really have that type of energy for one person. When a person puts all their energy into you – you’re that person they desire to love. If they didn’t desire to love you – they wouldn’t bother. The best thing you can do for yourself is to dive in, but many people run to aspects of love instead of to love. They then ask: “Why is my love life so dysfunctional?” I feel some people are just afraid of happiness.
My letter to men:
Find a woman that forces you to grow into a better man. Most of you are looking for a woman who fuels your ego. The older you get the more you’ll realize all women are the same. Some just never show it until a marriage. If you’re not changing into a better man for her. She’s not the one. She’s taking you backwards not forwards. The thing is she’s your future divorce. The one who challenges your growth is the one who knows not to settle for a man not growing.
She’ll be your queen in a marriage.
I wrote this poem to an ex many years a go, and I kept it with me to remind me that I always still have writing. I also cooked him this candle light dinner around that time too.
Some people often ask me: “Why are you and him not married?”
My answer is simple: “Life changes.”
I can still reminisce.
I’m contemplating the mornings I awoke to a radiant rising sun.
I’m remembering the sun as I used to gaze at it ; beaming yellow, shining brightly above my head.
I slowly try to find my shades to stop the irritation ; the blindness it used to give my eyes.
It’s almost like the lust you now seem to create before me.
I allow it to send me a reminder of those prosperous winter days.
I would see the shimmering snow.
It would be glistening outside my window like a joyful, gracious, Christmas day.
The christmas tree decorated beautifully. The snow falling like a picture perfect family portrait.
The scenery that used to surround me.
It was so angelic, yet so unreal – inside I was still in pain.
When I recall the past ; I go back and retrieve these memories.
As painful as they may have been – I’m still in satisfaction.
I get reminded of treasured moments.
Treasured moments spent with you.
Although the blistering sun in the summer causes me sunburns.
Red patches like strawberries on my pale white skin.
Although you’ve brought me many tears throughout our disputes.
Storms like volcanoes.
I still find hope ; like flowers find sun, soil, and water for nourishment.
It’s no different than the friendship we keep trying to nourish.
Although my christmas holidays ; I spent lonely, frustrated, crying.
The picture always made it look irresistible.
I recall the scenery that surrounded me ; through the aura I still found faith.
Faith to believe that one year it will be different.
I began to remember the times I spent lying beside you.
I remember how you often held me close.
Your tight squeeze ; I didn’t want to let go.
It was comforting. It was my safety net.
I was treasuring those cherished moments.
I never forget the timid smile you had.
I still see the angelic face of yours ; it would often be staring back at me in a daze.
I remember that feeling I felt so deep inside of me.
I miss being in that moment with you, hoping it would be something.
I used to pray you were my eternity. I used to pray you were my forever.
Those cute laughs of yours.
I used to listen to them. They were what kept my blushing.
My face often red like a basket of raspberries.
Why do I have to accept it all now as just a memory?
Let me just forget the tear-drops of the past.
Let me just forget the storms that rainy days bring.
I still wish for you.
I still want you.
I still hope for those memories to continue.
By now you’re probably wondering what happened to me and him. The story has a happy ending and a not so happy ending. The not so happy ending is that we didn’t end up together. I was like his starter wife and he was like my starter husband. The happy ending is were still respectful to each-other and still friends. I actually invited him to my birthday this year as well as his new girlfriend and I think he’s going to marry that one. I couldn’t be more happy for him! We actually became best friends in the end, and then we agreed to be respectful of each-others lives. We have learned so much from pain and we have helped eachother mature into the man and woman were becoming. I look at him like someone who deserves to be married to a good woman. I’m sure he looks at me the same but a good man of course.
Yes, you can go through a lot with someone and still turn the story around. I know because I did with him. It wasn’t the way I originally planned it. It was the way that was better for both of us. There is always a happy ending. Sometimes we just need to change our attitude to figure out what that happy ending is.