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Ex Boyfriend in my thoughts

“Oops…I called my ex again last night to see him…” and then I stood him up by falling a sleep. He probably thinks I just bailed. This is why I can’t do nor keep relationships. Thank God for his little mercies. I feel like I got desperate and all I wanted was to have sex with him again. Is this how a man thinks? Am I that lost my brain has turned to where I act and react like a man? I feel like I need to feel loved. I feel like I needed attention. I know if I went back to him ; there’s a high chance I would end up pregnant again. The only thing a man could want in night time dating is a: “booty call.” I want to stay celibate. I want to keep on my halo. The problem is: I’m human. My body has needs. I can know all the right things to wait for. I can know what a good man is. In the end, I’ll still run back to comfort.

 “I’m living like Cinderella…Prince Charming come find me.” I tell myself that daily. I want to give you advice on how to move on from your ex, but how can I, when I still got lost in my ex? I know he’s not coming back for a relationship and the only thing he has to offer me is a situation-ship. Yet I crave it. Yet I crave him. Yet, I hate the drama, but at the same time I’m addicted to it.  I guess he’s my choice of a drug. I’d tell everyone else how toxic and unhealthy it is, but when it comes to myself. All I want is to be in passionate madness with him.

My emotions are taking over my logic. Where is my common sense?

 I know that: “What’s meant to be will always be, and what’s not meant to be will never be.”

Sometimes in life you can love somebody who is gone, you can stay loyal to somebody who is not there.  It’s like you’ve become afraid of happiness, and you’ve settled with mediocrity believing there is no such thing as a happy ending. I guess that’s where I am. How do you heal from the pain? How do you move past the broken heart?

I know I need to accept that the past is gone. I know I need to grow from this experience, and some day be on a page where I can empathize with others in the same situation. I’m in this healing process, and well I am. I got people making up my lifestyle, and it hurts. I’m not dating at all, at night when I turn off the lights. I still go to bed alone.

I meet new men sometimes and they seem like a catch, but in reality they’re just potentials. I don’t know them past the facade. Am I afraid to take a leap of faith? Is my own fear stopping me from loving them? Those are some justifications I’ve heard for why we find a place in our growth process where we no longer let love in. In reality as I’ve healed from the past….my standards in a man have increased. I look at a man now, and I’ve grown and I realize I’m not on his level of games anymore.

 This is when I turn to prayer. This is when I turn to GOD. I can see him pushing me harder and harder to work harder and harder and give the rest to him. When I talk about love these days. I’m not clouded by it. I’m just more realistic towards it. So many people are clouded in an image. The image doesn’t exist. Love will happen in any authentic way. You can’t control it. You can’t force it. It’s all in God’s timing.  You may ask:
“Why do you want your ex back then?”

“Why do you want to run back and sleep with your ex then?”

It’s simple my ex is my last memory. Memories don’t just fade. A lot of times people find a rebound and block out their ex. I’m not blocking my ex out. I’m facing the heartache and facing the heartache is forcing me to heal it. If I were to jump into a new relationship right now. I’d just carry the baggage with him over to that relationship before it’s healed.

  The crazy thing about living in the present is you learn to be logical about the future and you come to accept that fairytales don’t exist. The person I end up with can literally be a divorced person who is currently married now. The list goes on. Taboo right? Part of finding happiness is accepting that the facade is not real, and sometimes the facade is the nightmare. You gotta learn to let go of your ego. You gotta learn to drop your pride. In the end your spouse and you is all you will have. You want to make sure you end up with a person who understands you, not just uses you to show you off. The crowd won’t be there forever. You won’t look young forever.  You gotta make sure you’re connected in your souls.

  The length of a relationship means absolutely nothing on how healthy a couple is together even if that couple is married. Sometimes it just means two people who share the same demons who find comfort in being toxic together. My bible says: “Don’t covet.” You have no clue what lies behind the mask of the picture that is being portrayed. Just breathe. Just live life. I think that when you meet the person you think you’re destined to be with it’s important to be: “Friends first.”

This way you can study them like your favourite piece of artwork and make sure that you complement each-other well. I think it’s important to accept that the person you match with may have a past, but if you have a past too….why does their past matter? Court eachother. If you can relate there’s a chance you’re both in a stage of maturity and can help eachother climb into the next chapter of life. All of life is a growth process. A man is going to change for a woman he truly wants and not because she is fixing him, but because he knows she’s the best he has ever found, and he does it freely. He will fear losing her.  Sometimes you and your ex are going to drift a part and maybe in the future meet again. Life is a journey. You just gotta ride the waves of it.