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Can you love more than one person?

Ponder This: I’ve heard people say that they can be in love with 2 people at the same time. What are your thoughts?

Yes. I can love five men at once. I really can.

#1. I can love the fact that this man over here has morals and integrity, but he can’t put it down for me in the bedroom.

#2. I can love the fact that this man over here can put it down for me in the bedroom, but he has no morals and integrity.

#3. I can love the fact that I have a past with this man over here. It’s true what they say about soul-ties. They’re hard to break, but in the same note I can hate this man for the way he treated me in the past.

#4. I can love the fact that I see this man over here in my future, but I can also hate this man for the fact he’s not patient enough for the fact I’m still not over my past.

#5. I can love this last man over here simply because he is the peacemaker in all of my poor decisions in life and in love and in the same note I can send him off to the friendzone.

Every single day we compartmentalize our love for others, and every day we stay loyal and break our own hearts simply because emotionally we’re sending out our love into five different directions and it’s messing up our perspectives in love.

This is when I have to take a step back and say: “Hey all you men after me messing with my head. If I choose one of you. One of you gets hurt.”

Most men seem to like competition though – maybe it’s their ego? It seems rather vain to me. In the end, my mind and my heart go to war and I end up choosing nobody because that’s just the way I am. For a faithful woman. I set myself up for failure in love.

I could end up single for two years and look like I’ve been with five men because of it simply because as women we process things differently than men do – or do we? Men tend to categorize us like she’s my woman I’m having sex with, she’s my future wife, she’s my side-chick. They tend to go in those type of rotations for which they’ve learnt to deal with the saying: “He’s a player.” They sometimes ghost us or they often want to fight for us when they can’t have us.

Us on the other hand, we compartmentalize men emotionally. At the end of the day. I will choose whatever man I’m looking for at that certain point in my life. If what I want is a good sexual partner – I’ll end up choosing a man who gives me good sex. I was watching FAMILY FEUD and one of the questions was “how important is sex in your life out of ten?” and the top answer was 8 out of 10. People do prioritize sex in their relationships. The hurtful realization of choosing a man that way is yes he’ll be drawn to me through the magnet of attraction, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to respect me. As women, as much as we want attention and to be flattered in a relationship, we want to be respected because as I’ve stated, men often put us into categories too. I’ll end up hurt over the situation because what I start to want in my life once I invest into the soul-tie he will no longer want in his. It will become serious for me when it was never that serious to him. As an example that’s why people always say it’s love, but what it really is is what’s in our comfort zone in that moment of time we are in in our lives.

We tend to love aspects of others and when we love aspects of others – we end up choosing men who are like us. We often attract back to us the exact way that we see ourselves. Everybody else becomes unworthy because were only seeing our own brokenness; not the love language a good man may be trying to give us. It’s funny how we all want a great thing or a great catch in the opposite sex until we actually have it. It reminds us how imperfect we actually are and it makes us too insecure to be in the relationship. We become scared of it. We’re all scared of the unknown in general. Sometimes we’re so scared of a good thing, we often settle for toxic loves. We often listen to our friends advice because they just go with whatever we want. They never really think about what’s right for us. They usually think about what’s right for us in their presence. At the end of the day we know toxic love won’t reject us, but we always feel unknown love will. So yes, men and women do tend to love a lot of men and women at once. They really do.

I have come to learn that “LOVE IS PATIENT. LOVE IS LONGSUFFERING.” and we can look at the way we love certain men. It’s like looking in a mirror at ourselves and realizing when we do that what we have isn’t love. How can we truly love somebody else until we’ve learnt to love ourselves? You can’t give love to somebody else you haven’t already given to yourself.

Anytime we see those destructive patterns in our lives. We need to take a break from love and fly solo for a bit while we figure out who we are. If we don’t learn who we are – how will we ever find the right person to match with who we are? How will we ever find a soul-mate who aligns with us?

In life we need to find enough confidence in ourselves to say: “I still love you, but you don’t align with my spirit.”

There is so much heartache in the world. Why do we have to add more to ourselves and to other people? We must study our own weaknesses and learn the strengths in others so we know where we can be helped in love and vice versa. Often times we only see the weaknesses in others and only the thought that we deserve perfection. Many times were quick to throw in the towel in situations that can be resolved simply by outsiders opinions. We need to learn more how when we meet a soulmate we can balance each other out to find harmony in the relationship.

Love is very special and authentic. To love somebody is to love them wholeheartedly and find all those aspects in five different people in one person and one person alone. To love somebody is to love them when you see their flaws, and until somebody loves somebody with their flaws. How can they love? They have not looked in a mirror long enough to see their own, and that’s what love is.

No, I do not believe a person can love more than one person in such a way. They must love in such a way that even when the person let’s their soul open – they will fight to protect them because they love them. People are so protective of their energies as humans we can only really have that type of energy for one person. When a person puts all their energy into you – you’re that person they desire to love. If they didn’t desire to love you – they wouldn’t bother. The best thing you can do for yourself is to dive in, but many people run to aspects of love instead of to love. They then ask: “Why is my love life so dysfunctional?” I feel some people are just afraid of happiness.

My letter to men:

Dear Men,

Find a woman that forces you to grow into a better man. Most of you are looking for a woman who fuels your ego. The older you get the more you’ll realize all women are the same. Some just never show it until a marriage. If you’re not changing into a better man for her. She’s not the one. She’s taking you backwards not forwards. The thing is she’s your future divorce. The one who challenges your growth is the one who knows not to settle for a man not growing.

She’ll be your queen in a marriage.

What Is Love?

“Sometimes you have to be cold to be honest in order to stay firm in your morals. People might not always like the harsh truth, but I wouldn’t be true to myself and to others if I just kept watching without speaking up. It’s called sincerity.

You have to look out for those who you see as family. Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they hate you. My father always told me: “If you know you meant well in your heart. God will take care of the rest. You just make sure you do your part. The truth will reveal itself in time.” 

That was a note I wrote in my journal after a bad break up with a man I spent much time with.

I woke up this morning and I asked myself a question we all ponder from time to time. I asked myself: “What is Love?” Is it what we see in the movies? It is the advice of our parents? Is it how we feel when were with somebody special? I like to create myself this illusion that TRUE LOVE is when you can spend 100 years together like the song: “Hundred More Years,” by singer and songwriter Francesca Battistelli. This is a song that melts my heart and makes me believe in happy endings.

These days I more or less listen to Ed Sheeran and his song “Perfect,” as well as his song “Thinking Out Loud.” I think of meeting my husband well we dance to it at our wedding for our first dance. Oh how it lights up my heart with false hope, but it keeps me hopeful for a happy ending. Artists are truly a gift to us creating fantasy in our empty and broken hearts that we long to share with somebody but sometimes fear takes over and so do other peoples opinions.

People say: “Look at that couple over there. They got it so right.” Behind closed doors that couple fights every day. People say: “Love is to be to be like that couple.” The couple they look at in admiration secretly wishes they never got married. They’re just playing a role manipulating and controlling people and their partners to save the image. People say: “I want that love.” They turn a blind eye to the fact that that love is a facade. A facade to keep power, status, friendship, and careers. It’s a love ruled by ego. It’s a love ruled by pride.

People say LOVE is a place to search for happiness, and some type of fairy-tale ending. People say love is a place to put your guard up. They often create a list of a soul-mate that is unattainable. People say that LOVE is to control your partner and to demand perfection. They often just want to tell their friends / family how perfect you are meanwhile behind closed doors they’re crying so many tears because they can’t add up to you or their ideal list.

People say LOVE is to deserve MR. and Mrs. right – whatever is that? People say love is to find a connection, and somebody that you’re compatible with. They say that you must go on a romantic date and all the stars must align sort of similar to astrology. People say that love is those butterflies you feel in your stomach that offer intense feelings. People say that love is sex to show loyalty and that that’s the only person you’re with because you desire them.

These same people never ever even discusses the future. They just lived in the present, and then the future changed. People chase all types of love languages, and always leave more empty than before. Often times people stay in inward misery playing a role for a marriage just to get praise from others, meanwhile feeling negatively about themselves and making their partners feel negative about themselves.

They even say that love is lying just to protect your partners feelings by speaking only positive things to your spouse or significant other but avoiding true honesty and true intimacy. Every single day we wake up this is the love the world wants us to live up to and find. This is the love were taught to change through things like social media and magazines. It’s almost like they teach women it’s important to be skinny or to have a big booty because those are the models that are put on covers to show beauty. Anything else – we are made to believe that something is wrong with us. Were targeted and body shamed.

When we have standards and want authentic love ; were put down. Were called everything that were not and our vulnerabilities are preyed upon. Our past is brought up. Our flaws are no longer hidden. They’re out in the open and were made to believe that were not lovable and nobody would ever want us.

I could take all those bricks that have been thrown at me over the years. I could take all that advice that I never found genuine too. I could cry me a river. I could play me a victim card. I could settle and do what they tell me to do with my heart. I choose instead to search to GOD for all the answers to life’s mystery and find my own philosophy. I choose to take the hurt, the heartache, the betrayal, and the rejection. It strengthens me into becoming the best version of myself. It is all of this facing of my own demons and conquering them that gives me strength to overcome, to stand-still, and to heal.

When you know and understand that there is a higher power who looks out for you. You don’t need to do like everybody else – not even everybody else in the church. If something doesn’t feel right to me and my conscience. I know it’s not from GOD, and I let it go – so what is LOVE?

To many I’m not qualified to answer such a question due to their perceptions on how they want to live their life. I haven given enough logical reasons why I think they’re not qualified to answer the question despite the fact they often hide behind miserable marriages for years faking happiness that makes them look like they are qualified. To me wanting to live their life is misery too. Misery loves company because it supports poor choices that people have settled in and want to be accepted for. Dare to DREAM BIGGER? Dare to WANT MORE?

The bible definition of love says that Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is LONG-SUFFERING. Love keeps no record of wrongs. You can find the rest in 1 Corinthians 13. I think we all know that verse whether we are christian or not. It is the verse that shows us how Jesus loved us that we desire to live up to but can’t. Jesus is God ; therefore he is perfect. We are only human, and imperfect. I don’t think any of us can ever live up to this standard of love. Were emotional. We have bad experiences in our lives. We’ve all made mistakes. We all need forgiveness. So what’s love?

I ask myself that all the time because I hear all the definitions of others, but they pretty much use the word and throw it around. They throw it around to pretend to be loyal, and to create broken hearts not just to others, but also to themselves. They often lead each-other down heart-breaking paths.

Paths where lies are what begin to keep them together, and then one day they catch each-other and wonder what happened. Fights, quarrels, and escalated circumstances. In reality things went wrong since day one due to polished up pretty paintings. Never the truth. The fights often go like this: ” You cheated on me.” or “You lied to me.” Sex is often in place so it’s easy to know their partners weaknesses enough to turn each story into some white lie version of a story that’s believable. Again in the name of protecting their partners feelings to keep the spark seeming real. I have seen even praised pastors live double lives in all the years I’ve spent in churches. Sad truth. Somehow we look up to these things as love and covet them.

For the answer to what love is – I have no answer. Only lessons learnt in heartache. Lessons taught in betrayal. Lessons taught through resentment. Lesson taught through forgiveness.  The 20 year old me would tell you all those things I mentioned were love. The 20 year old me would fight to save every last marriage in the name of the fairy-tale so that I could believe in the magic of the false personas.

The me now has seen so much of reality. I’m so over it – so over the bullshit. Reality ain’t beautiful. Love is what you make it. Love is how you see yourself. That’s my philosophy. The man or the woman you’re on the inside is always going to shine through on the outside. If you see love for the superficial things such as other peoples outside pictures – you will attract the same superficial love that you’re attracted to. It’s a nice painting on the outside. When it’s you and your lover – it’s one ugly story behind closed doors.

In the end were all like magnets, and we attract back to ourselves exactly what we are. Like attracts to like. If you’re attracting those things that create hurt cycles and heartache – there is something inside of you that you need to heal that makes you feel unworthy of the love you feel you deserve. That’s why even though you find a project in a man or a woman to fix – you’re unable to fix them because the person you haven’t began to fix is yourself.

You can’t change anybody else. You can only fix yourself and fix your attractions to find the right love for you. That’s the harsh reality of why so many are broken and do not find a happy ending in love. Yes, even those who are married with spouses they lack communication skills with and try out counselling multiple times that never seems to fix anything and eventually the counselor says: “Get Divorced. Be happy.”

There’s a reason I take my time because I saw all the pride in my elders. I observed beneath the surface before I ever even dared look at the surface. Many times I was hated for being true to myself, made up, and all the rest. I still stayed true to myself anyway.

Last but not least. If I were to give you my final conclusion on Love. I would tell you that LOVE is to be yourself because in marriage your spouse will learn who you are anyway. Men always believe that the woman will never change. Women always reverse in marriage. Women always believe that a man changed for them. Actually, men always go right back to themselves in marriage.

I would tell you that LOVE is to put your flaws on the table, your standards of what you want in the future in the open. I would tell the the present is the moment. The moment will change. Once you’re stuck in the same house, living under the same roof with nowhere to run – you will have a reputation to protect. I would tell if you if a LOVER can’t accept you for all that you are – FORGET THEM. Just kick them to the curb – better now than later. I would tell you that all these people in your past that played with your emotions, broke you down, broke your heart, or hurt you were a true gift. They taught you how to heal and become a better version of yourself to attract better. Don’t win against them by replacing them. Win against them by being okay with being alone.

I would tell you that until you’ve loved yourself alone. You can’t really give into a relationship what you haven’t already given to yourself. What many people do is jump into stuff, and pray that things stay the same, or get better. In the end their husband is having an affair. In the end their wife is spending all their money. Now they gotta tell the world they’re happy. In reality they’re crying tears behind fake smiles trying to get by hiding their true feelings in – so that their spouse stays by them so they can see another anniversary for the world but not for each-other. They know and feel it their hearts that there is no way out and nobody would understand. They fear happiness. They fear to be judged in a world that stereotypes, and expects them to stay together for religion or whatever.

I would tell you don’t wait until it’s too late to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable before you make that proposal. Be vulnerable before you say yes to that beautiful ring. Make sure that you know in tough times you can still bond because when a honeymoon is over ; there will be tough times.

I would tell you that love is a friendship, and that your lover should never ever be your best friend. Best friends snoop. Best friends quarrel. Best friends compete. Best friends act like alphas. Your lover should only be your friend. You have sisters to vent to. You have brothers to go out with. Friends can be honest and talk through the hard days, and the trials. In marriage there needs to be a balance – some type of harmony.

I would tell you that love is to forgive. If you meet somebody who is vulnerable and your friend – there is nothing you can’t grow through together. Love is to support each-other through the worst days, and to create memories and love each-other through the best days. I would tell you that the best people to marry are the ones who have taken responsibility for their actions before getting married. The ones who can admit their fall in each of their past relationships. If they can’t do that, and they’re still blaming their past. They haven’t matured and in the end you will find out their true colours anyway.

So go out and LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve to find eternal joy and a love that fulfills you not just on the outside, but on the inside too. There is somebody for everyone, but we must put the work into ourselves before we can become attracted to it and attract it from somebody else.