I have seen more blackmail in churches when someone speaks up against a pastor than anywhere else, and if you actually take the time to research it. Pastors are more likely to fall into a marital affair than any other type of man, and they’ve gotten away with it for far too long.
Why is this?
I’ve come up with some reasons this may be.
#1. They’re respected as special privileged men of god rather than seen as human beings.
#2. They’re often counselors as well as pastors and people go to them with all their private lives.
#3. They’re able to say they have a meeting with a parishioner and go to peoples homes in private and be trusted that it’s just the Lord’s work.
Anytime you see a pastor being friends with young women. You should question it. The bible is very clear on being men of integrity when leading other’s in Christ. Now, we have marital pastors working as teams, and they often cover up for each-others shadiness.
Stop trusting people just because they hold the title: PASTOR!!!
Pastors in today’s culture often behave more like celebrities of their denominations rather than men of GOD. If you really sat in a church meeting and truly took the time to understand how the church organization is trained and functions. You would know that most of them could care less about God. They care about their pay-check like every average other man. They’re human period ; only worse because they have a platform to abuse their position of power regularly.
Many pastors carry on secret affairs and the ones who do are usually the ones you believe are happily married. It is a lifestyle like everything else, and many pastors are broken thinking they can heal the world. The first person the majority of them never healed was themselves.
In life every time I leave a place to find healing. It seems like my closest friends in the place feel abandoned by my departure. They act like they lost somebody precious. They act like I’m the reason for their conflict and that’s why I left. They just want power over me. They just want to control me. They will manipulate me and do vindictive things to me until I play their game. I’m a little bit emotional. Emotional people are often misunderstood. I have a good heart and I try to hold unto friendships longer than I should, and it just makes me look bad. I run backwards to the mess I think I can fix, instead of forwards to my purpose where my calling is. I constantly put myself in zones of world war three. I hate the drama but it always seems to love finding me. It’s like I can’t even vent because everything I vent will be taken as if it was towards them, and then I’ll be questioned about it. I’m overly sensitive. It’s hard to cope in a world full of guilty consciences often using me as their punching bags to deny their inner pain.
I just want to be a good person. I just want to be at peace with everybody. It’s hard for me to accept that not everybody is as kind as they seem. They look like roses on the outside, and I just wanna see the roses. I can’t see the thorns. I can’t accept so many people use my name to put their dirt on. I think people are so used to me being so outwardly strong. I don’t even think they know how much they make me cry myself to sleep sometimes. I don’t cry in front of them. I hold my pain in because I’m guarded. Why can’t they see that I too am just human? I’m so tired of being preyed on. I’m so tired of being treated like a cartoon character. All my positive thinking turning into storms I have to conquer.
I often open up to the worst people. I give them what they want. My insecurities. My vulnerabilities. I never see it coming the day they are used against me as if I’m a checker board. Sometimes I’m used to it. Sometimes I’m numb to it. Sometimes the tears roll out of my eyes and down to my cheeks. I try to dry them, but they just keep coming. Situations I never had control over. Why do I always attract such controlling people? What is wrong with me that I attract that?
You know those people: “My way or the highway.”
You know those people: “Protect my lies, or I’ll destroy your life.”
I think sometimes I try to see the best in the worst people. I think sometimes I get blinded by the charm and the popularity that someone has. I want them to like me, but I don’t like the feeling of disloyal. I think I know what a narcissist is but I never seem to know how to dodge one. I’m so empathetic. I think I can fix them.
My empathy runs so deep. I can’t even see the danger sometimes. The poison that I’m allowing into my life. Toxic people. People who will use my kindness for weakness. People are so used to me always being there, and then one day I can’t take it anymore. I move forwards. The day I move forwards they strike me the hardest. I’m tired of defending myself sometimes. I don’t want to compromise myself either to just give into a agenda or a false sense of confidence. I fight my way through it hoping the storm will pass, and in the storm the plot of revenge is always plotted against me. It’s like I’m supposed to just give in and play the games. The messes. The misery. The cycles I have to constantly grow through. I could be so outspoken and so guarded. I could be so self-cautious and so self defensive. I’m not sure sometimes if I’m blessed or I’m cursed.
Last time I found myself in this situation. I walked into a church thinking I was finding healing for my problems. I thought I was in safe surroundings. I was in a place where I thought love was and that we were all a family. I never knew I was just the black sheep of the family. I started lowering my guard. I started opening up to leaders. I started getting involved, thinking I was doing God’s work. I think I got way too involved.
I became a threat to the first lady. I’m not sure if it was my nice dresses. The way I did my make-up. The way I tried to make everyone feel like a family. My kindness was a little too much for her. She started treating me like her husbands mistress. The trust that took me forever to build was taken away from me in split seconds. The healing that took me years to find was stolen from me in split seconds. It’s the price of beauty. It’s the price of kindness.
Sometimes I think I unintentionally became a home-wrecker. I was rejected, isolated, alone. I had nobody I could turn to because everybody saw the leaders as if they were godlike creatures. I had to battle with insomnia, anxiety, and depression all by myself. It was the hardest thing. My kindness faded into resentment, and my resentment into church hurt. False accusations thrown all over the place against me. Shunned by the members who worshipped the leaders. Stripped of my dignity. Stripped of my reputation. How do you climb up from that when you’re in that world ; a world you’re supposed to trust? Not one single person to defend me.
I turned to the pastor thinking the pastor was my friend not realizing your enemies are closer than you think. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried some more and nobody understood what I was going through. It was painful, traumatic, upsetting. I tried to journal my way through it. My journals turned into never ending emails. I was destroying my future fighting for a friendship willing to sacrifice everything. I tried to express myself to the people who hurt me only for them to not look in a mirror and constantly put their flaws on me. I never saw it coming the day the situation escalated. I thought you could trust people in a church environment. I failed to realize they’re so used to being on a platform. They’re not used to being reminded their just human and they hurt people. It was like two alphas in a room and we were getting nowhere. A friendship gone. A friendship ended. Hurt. Betrayed. I walked around more guarded than before. Even if I told people my side. I was so afraid I’d never be believed. So I took the blame, and I gave in but I left. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to leave. I was supposed to stay and get more hurt.
I know how it feels to be treated like a mistress when you never even were one. I know how it feels to be destroyed for trying to be a good person. It’s the hardest thing in the world to heal from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up and feel worthy again when you trusted people who found a way to break you and make you feel worthless. I know we all go through this. We all handle it differently. None of us are ever prepared for betrayal, and broken hearts from people we thought were there to protect us. We gotta learn to get up and accept that life is full of obstacles to make us stronger. Betrayal from people we truly trusted is one of those obstacles.
I grew up in the church. I sat through multiple sermons. In every church; behind every pulpit is a handsome man in one way or another. We love to praise that man or we love to hate that man. He either reminds us of things we need to change in ourselves or he helps us find a better way to live. He does it all through God and the bible of whatever doctrine of denomination he belongs to. He probably went to school and studied a whole bunch of theology. He probably went to seminary and tried to land the hottest girl on his campus. I’m not sure what makes a man want to be a pastor. A pastor is a huge responsibility. I’ve always wondered that. Well the world looks up to the preachers. I’m here to remind you that all pastors / preachers are just human.
Christianity was a lifestyle I was born into. The bible was the main book I read as a child. I memorized the scriptures. I was a very competitive person. I went to a club called: AWANA. It stands for: “Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed of the gospel of Christ.” I even attempted to memorize all the catechisms for the pastor. I pretty much succeeded. Every year we had a Christmas Pageant we would put on for the church. I always felt the Pastors Wife never gave me enough lines. Every year I’d ask her to be something else. I was an angel, and then I was a shepherd, and then I was a magi. I just wanted more lines in the pageant. Every year she gave me a bigger part. I never did get the part I wanted. It taught me though. It taught me to pay more attention in church so that maybe one day I’ll get it. My parents always raised me to some day grow up and marry a Godly man. I guess I had a dream to marry a pastor. That was my fantasy of Prince Charming. I wasn’t read fairy-tales. I was read bible stories.
I’ve been to several denominations throughout my life time. It gets confusing once you’ve had so much doctrine instilled into you. I eventually grew up looking for a church family to become a part of. I’ve been so educated by all the denominations. I started questioning everything and nobody ever had real answers. It was always: “let’s praise the pastor!” I got annoyed after a while. I left the church. I went to find God for myself. I went to find a lifestyle outside of the one I was raised in. I was in a search for truth, for Jesus, For GOD. I was in search of myself. I found myself wondering: Am I Christian or am I a Spiritual person? I eventually learned church is a great place to teach people to be grounded morally and instil values into children. Eventually, you grow up, and it can become very disheartening. You’re no longer sheltered.
As the world educated me outside the world of Christianity. I was no longer naive. I learned about heartache. I learned about heartbreak. I learned about betrayal. In my healing process trying to rewrite my relationship with GOD. I began self-educating myself outside of religion. I began a self journey. I became a very philosophical person. I became contemplative. I became a deep thinker. I told myself: “next time I enter a church. I’m not going to believe anything based on a success story.” I began to look deeper than I ever looked before. I began to realize not everybody is who they seem. We have to be careful which leaders we follow. Yes, even preachers / pastors. Marrying a pastor was no longer my dream. Reality sunk in of what being married to a pastor means. It wasn’t a life I thought was very happy. It was a life that required a lot of compromise and a lot of sacrifice.
I still continued to be fascinated by pastors / preachers. They were one of my first role-models in life. They were my comfort zone. In a way I saw them as protectors. I could never see them as anything else. Then one day I went to a church and I realized how many women are only there for the pastor but not for God. I started researching: “Pastoral Affairs.” It was amazing what a reality it is. It destroyed every fantasy I ever had about a preacher. It destroyed everything I ever believed a preacher to be. It was very damaging to everything I ever knew. It was a very enlightening moment.
In life we really have to find a balance with every part of it or we will find ourselves in places we don’t want to be. We may find ourselves idolizing the wrong type of people. I experienced church hurt several times. I decided to take my painful experiences from church and pour them into a craft I call my writing. I suppose many pastors do the same thing through their sermons. I found myself often going to church to find new perspectives. These days I find sermons to be more like self-help books and motivational talks. I guess that’s why so many women look up to preachers more than God. They appear more like career men in modern society.
Due to my curiosity. I found myself studying all types of pastors to understand what makes a good leader. A few of the traits that make a good leader are: a positive attitude, being charismatic, and being confident. I wondered how somebody could be a good leader with all those magnificent traits and not fall into the temptations in the world that so many people fall into. I continued to research: “Fallen Pastors.” In my research I discovered pastors are no different than you and me behind their facade of leadership.
How does an affair with a pastor start? It’s simple. Pastors have so much responsibility on their plates from their marriage, their family life, to caring for the church, to making sure Sunday Services are always on point. This puts a huge stress factor on a pastor and many actually burnout. We don’t want to see our pastoral leaders like this; however we need to make ourselves aware of it.
Another problem many pastors encounter within the church are the many females who attend looking for healing. They’re looking for God again and they happen to come from broken homes. In some ways they see the pastor as the father figure they never had and they begin to idolize the pastor as a celebrity rather than go to God and respect him as a spiritual leader. It’s a pastor’s job to redirect them. Often due to life circumstances – he can become weak in such circumstances himself. Pastors go to school to become pastors. They don’t go to school to be become therapists.
There are the many females in search of being a first lady and wearing the first lady hat. If a pastor is having marital problems at home – it’s very easy for him to fall into temptation. Any attention becomes good attention even bad attention. He sees a girl in his church working hard for his attention and he confuses it with the fact she’s hard for Gods attention. He gets distracted. It feeds his ego. He forgets to go to God. He doesn’t see her motives. He only sees her attention to him. It’s an ego stroke – he’s often not getting from his wife.
It’s important to help a pastors marriage thrive so that these things don’t happen. It’s important to always uplift pastors in their marriage. It’s important to give them time with their families and allow them their own personal space outside of the church. Let’s protect the marriages of pastors.
Is it that we can’t trust our leaders / pastors or is it that we can’t accept how human they actually are? How would you feel if this was going on in your church? What are solutions to improve the marriages of pastors?