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Poem to ex!!!

I wrote this poem to an ex many years a go, and I kept it with me to remind me that I always still have writing. I also cooked him this candle light dinner around that time too.

Some people often ask me: “Why are you and him not married?”

My answer is simple: “Life changes.”

I can still reminisce.

 Today

I’m contemplating the mornings I awoke to a radiant rising sun.

I’m remembering the sun as I used to gaze at it ; beaming yellow, shining brightly above my head.

I slowly try to find my shades to stop the irritation ; the blindness it used to give my eyes.

It’s almost like the lust you now seem to create before me.

I allow it to send me a reminder of those prosperous winter days.

I would see the shimmering snow.

It would be glistening outside my window like a joyful, gracious, Christmas day.

The christmas tree decorated beautifully. The snow falling like a picture perfect family portrait.

The scenery that used to surround me. 

It was so angelic, yet so unreal – inside I was still in pain. 

Yet…

When I recall the past ; I go back and retrieve these memories.

As painful as they may have been – I’m still in satisfaction.

I get reminded of treasured moments. 

Treasured moments spent with you. 

Although the blistering sun in the summer causes me sunburns.

Red patches like strawberries on my pale white skin.

Although you’ve brought me many tears throughout our disputes.

Storms like volcanoes.

I still find hope ; like flowers find sun, soil, and water for nourishment.

It’s no different than the friendship we keep trying to nourish.

Although my christmas holidays ; I spent lonely, frustrated, crying.

Sometimes miserable.

The picture always made it look irresistible.

I recall the scenery that surrounded me ; through the aura I still found faith.

Faith to believe that one year it will be different.

 I began to remember the times I spent lying beside you.

I remember how you often held me close.

Your tight squeeze ; I didn’t want to let go.

It was comforting. It was my safety net.

I was treasuring those cherished moments.

I never forget the timid smile you had.

I still see the angelic face of yours ; it would often be staring back at me in a daze.

I remember that feeling I felt so deep inside of me.

I miss being in that moment with you, hoping it would be something.

I used to pray you were my eternity. I used to pray you were my forever.

Those cute laughs of yours.

I used to listen to them. They were what kept my blushing.

My face often red like a basket of raspberries.

Why do I have to accept it all now as just a memory?

Let me just forget the tear-drops of the past.

Let me just forget the storms that rainy days bring.

I still wish for you.

I still want you.

I still hope for those memories to continue.

By now you’re probably wondering what happened to me and him. The story has a happy ending and a not so happy ending. The not so happy ending is that we didn’t end up together. I was like his starter wife and he was like my starter husband. The happy ending is were still respectful to each-other and still friends. I actually invited him to my birthday this year as well as his new girlfriend and I think he’s going to marry that one. I couldn’t be more happy for him! We actually became best friends in the end, and then we agreed to be respectful of each-others lives. We have learned so much from pain and we have helped eachother mature into the man and woman were becoming. I look at him like someone who deserves to be married to a good woman. I’m sure he looks at me the same but a good man of course.

Yes, you can go through a lot with someone and still turn the story around. I know because I did with him. It wasn’t the way I originally planned it. It was the way that was better for both of us. There is always a happy ending. Sometimes we just need to change our attitude to figure out what that happy ending is.

Before A Messy Break-Up

 

Do you ever have that intuitive feeling that you need to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your significant other? 

I felt like that. I really wanted to know if my boyfriend loved me. At the same time – I also wanted to dump him. I needed affection. I needed attention. He wasn’t giving me any. He was getting on my last nerves. He gave me a painful feeling in my chest that he was cheating on me.

 I made excuses for him.

“It’s probably just my insecurities again.

“I’m probably giving him a headache.”

“He probably just needs space.”

“He probably just needs to breathe.”

I wanted to put the conversation on hold. I wanted to save the moments for as long as I could. I also knew I couldn’t do it any-more. I was so used to heartache. I was so used to heartbreak.

I thought to myself:

“…Maybe I’m making him pay the price for every man that broke my heart? …Maybe I just have trust issues?

I knew I couldn’t delay the conversation any longer. I needed to find clarity. I no longer felt the butterflies I used to feel when we started dating.

I reminded myself…

“I’m just addicted to him.

“The reason I’m not leaving him is because he has become familiar to me.”

“He is my comfort zone.”

“I think I need his strength. I think I need his comfort.”

“I don’t need him.”

Questions constantly ran through my head:

“Why do I love this man?”

“Why do I want to stay with him? He does nothing for me.”

“I’m not growing as a woman by being with him.”

“Where are we headed?”

“Is this even a committed relationship?”

The last date we went on went like this:

Him: “Come over.”

Me: (I came over.)

We watched a boring show and I don’t even remember what it was called. I watched him play video games the whole time we were together. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I felt lonely. I felt at a loss for words. I felt empty.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just playing a game.” he replied.

The game went on for hours and hours as I just lied there watching him. He completely ignored me. It’s like something bothered him he wasn’t willing to tell me. It’s like he had another female in the picture.

I know how all the other females act fighting for their man trying to show him that they’re the best catch. I just felt like this man was wasting my precious time. I didn’t even know what I did wrong, and I didn’t even want to ask. The connection was not there.

I felt like a side piece of French Fries ordered off the menu. I felt like I was there for his own conscious, not because he wanted me there. I no longer felt special as I used to.

“Am I selfish?”

The fights in my head. I often felt guilt-tripped into staying with a man just because of how much time I had devoted into the man. In the end staying out of obligation only teaches a man to treat you like a doormat, and I felt like his doormat.

As much I loved him. I knew this was a pattern I did not want to repeat.

“If I’m not the only girl in your life, just let me walk away.” I said holding back the tears. I wasn’t going to let him see my cry.

It was in that moment of brokenness – I realized I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship. I understood how it felt to not want to lose yourself to somebody else. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him. I left him because I did. He never saw it that way, and he put up walls around me. Walls he expected me to break down and prove my love for him.

 I’ve learned that men need their ego’s fed tremendously.

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