Do you ever have that intuitive feeling that you need to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your significant other?
I felt like that. I really wanted to know if my boyfriend loved me. At the same time – I also wanted to dump him. I needed affection. I needed attention. He wasn’t giving me any. He was getting on my last nerves. He gave me a painful feeling in my chest that he was cheating on me.
I made excuses for him.
“It’s probably just my insecurities again.
“I’m probably giving him a headache.”
“He probably just needs space.”
“He probably just needs to breathe.”
I wanted to put the conversation on hold. I wanted to save the moments for as long as I could. I also knew I couldn’t do it any-more. I was so used to heartache. I was so used to heartbreak.
I thought to myself:
“…Maybe I’m making him pay the price for every man that broke my heart? …Maybe I just have trust issues?”
I knew I couldn’t delay the conversation any longer. I needed to find clarity. I no longer felt the butterflies I used to feel when we started dating.
I reminded myself…
“I’m just addicted to him.
“The reason I’m not leaving him is because he has become familiar to me.”
“He is my comfort zone.”
“I think I need his strength. I think I need his comfort.”
“I don’t need him.”
Questions constantly ran through my head:
“Why do I love this man?”
“Why do I want to stay with him? He does nothing for me.”
“I’m not growing as a woman by being with him.”
“Where are we headed?”
“Is this even a committed relationship?”
The last date we went on went like this:
Him: “Come over.”
Me: (I came over.)
We watched a boring show and I don’t even remember what it was called. I watched him play video games the whole time we were together. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I felt lonely. I felt at a loss for words. I felt empty.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Just playing a game.” he replied.
The game went on for hours and hours as I just lied there watching him. He completely ignored me. It’s like something bothered him he wasn’t willing to tell me. It’s like he had another female in the picture.
I know how all the other females act fighting for their man trying to show him that they’re the best catch. I just felt like this man was wasting my precious time. I didn’t even know what I did wrong, and I didn’t even want to ask. The connection was not there.
I felt like a side piece of French Fries ordered off the menu. I felt like I was there for his own conscious, not because he wanted me there. I no longer felt special as I used to.
“Am I selfish?”
The fights in my head. I often felt guilt-tripped into staying with a man just because of how much time I had devoted into the man. In the end staying out of obligation only teaches a man to treat you like a doormat, and I felt like his doormat.
As much I loved him. I knew this was a pattern I did not want to repeat.
“If I’m not the only girl in your life, just let me walk away.” I said holding back the tears. I wasn’t going to let him see my cry.
It was in that moment of brokenness – I realized I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship. I understood how it felt to not want to lose yourself to somebody else. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him. I left him because I did. He never saw it that way, and he put up walls around me. Walls he expected me to break down and prove my love for him.
I’ve learned that men need their ego’s fed tremendously.