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Why I’m Single

I’m tired of explaining to people why I’m single. I’m single because I had a poor taste in men. I chose men I thought I could fix rather than men who were right for me. I wasn’t confident in myself yet. I was selfish and I didn’t know how to forgive. I thought about myself and not about the fact that it was my decision to date broken men. I dated men who broke me down with them. I take full responsibility for my choices. It takes two to tango.

I am single because I continued on in those destructive patterns until I turned my life back to God. I am no longer in a place of hurt, resentment, or frustration towards the past I can’t change.

I’m more in a place of forgiveness and compassion because I understand how much God has intervened in my life, and how much people in my past still need him to intervene in theirs. I feel that I often wanted to live Godly with Ungodly men, and it never worked out. In the end I would compromise myself, and they would not understand me. We’d clash until we’d break up. It took forgiving myself for my choices to forgive those who hurt me in them. In the end – I made those choices.

I made a choice to love men I knew weren’t ready for love. I made the choice to set a bad example of what love is to those who look up to me and follow me. I failed so many people with my choices in my past. I still rather get up from my falls in life humbly.

I also failed myself.

Today, I’m single because I learned what LOVE is, and I don’t covet anybody else’s definition of love. I understand that we all have our own authentic story to find, to hold, and to blossom. It’s up to GOD who I end up with.

I’m single because I have other priorities and the best form of healing is not looking for love but looking for yourself and who you’re in GOD. I truly believe that when were obedient to GOD first. He comes to bless us with his promises we never saw coming. Looking for love can sometimes just be lust. However, when you do the right things to be loyal to yourself well you’re single – you eventually attract into your life exactly what you are.

We often settle in love because we won’t change ourselves. I learned that and I changed that in myself. If you attract the wrong type of love to you – there is something in you that’s attracting it. I learned that LOVE isn’t the end goal.

We often fall in love with the idea of a person or the idea of love. We forget to fall in love with the person as a whole. We forget to comprehend love as a whole.

Love is an ingredient that GOD decides to give us when he decides were ready for it. Before GOD gives us a YES… we need to learn to accept his NO.

I would rather be with a husband I can allow to feel special than be with a husband who wonders constantly if I’m still in love with my ex. Once I realized that – it became so important to me to learn how to self-love. You can’t give in love love that you haven’t already given to yourself. Broken people break each-other into destructive love patterns.

I’m single because I believe that marriage is truly sacred, and I don’t want to experiment with it for a piece of paper that means nothing except for in Facebook pictures to look like a power couple. I want love that’s real and true.

Patience is a virtue. Blessings come to those who wait!

There are many good people that I might find myself attracted to. Just because somebody appears good doesn’t mean they’re good for me. We can make all the lists in the world on what a good man or a good woman is. In the end it has to fit with who we are and the goals we have in our future.

In the end our mind and heart will still go to war and one of them will always win out. I hope that I end up married to a man my father taught me to look for because the values that are instilled into us are the ones we should carry because our parents always want what’s best for us.

Before A Messy Break-Up

 

Do you ever have that intuitive feeling that you need to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your significant other? 

I felt like that. I really wanted to know if my boyfriend loved me. At the same time – I also wanted to dump him. I needed affection. I needed attention. He wasn’t giving me any. He was getting on my last nerves. He gave me a painful feeling in my chest that he was cheating on me.

 I made excuses for him.

“It’s probably just my insecurities again.

“I’m probably giving him a headache.”

“He probably just needs space.”

“He probably just needs to breathe.”

I wanted to put the conversation on hold. I wanted to save the moments for as long as I could. I also knew I couldn’t do it any-more. I was so used to heartache. I was so used to heartbreak.

I thought to myself:

“…Maybe I’m making him pay the price for every man that broke my heart? …Maybe I just have trust issues?

I knew I couldn’t delay the conversation any longer. I needed to find clarity. I no longer felt the butterflies I used to feel when we started dating.

I reminded myself…

“I’m just addicted to him.

“The reason I’m not leaving him is because he has become familiar to me.”

“He is my comfort zone.”

“I think I need his strength. I think I need his comfort.”

“I don’t need him.”

Questions constantly ran through my head:

“Why do I love this man?”

“Why do I want to stay with him? He does nothing for me.”

“I’m not growing as a woman by being with him.”

“Where are we headed?”

“Is this even a committed relationship?”

The last date we went on went like this:

Him: “Come over.”

Me: (I came over.)

We watched a boring show and I don’t even remember what it was called. I watched him play video games the whole time we were together. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I felt lonely. I felt at a loss for words. I felt empty.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just playing a game.” he replied.

The game went on for hours and hours as I just lied there watching him. He completely ignored me. It’s like something bothered him he wasn’t willing to tell me. It’s like he had another female in the picture.

I know how all the other females act fighting for their man trying to show him that they’re the best catch. I just felt like this man was wasting my precious time. I didn’t even know what I did wrong, and I didn’t even want to ask. The connection was not there.

I felt like a side piece of French Fries ordered off the menu. I felt like I was there for his own conscious, not because he wanted me there. I no longer felt special as I used to.

“Am I selfish?”

The fights in my head. I often felt guilt-tripped into staying with a man just because of how much time I had devoted into the man. In the end staying out of obligation only teaches a man to treat you like a doormat, and I felt like his doormat.

As much I loved him. I knew this was a pattern I did not want to repeat.

“If I’m not the only girl in your life, just let me walk away.” I said holding back the tears. I wasn’t going to let him see my cry.

It was in that moment of brokenness – I realized I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship. I understood how it felt to not want to lose yourself to somebody else. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him. I left him because I did. He never saw it that way, and he put up walls around me. Walls he expected me to break down and prove my love for him.

 I’ve learned that men need their ego’s fed tremendously.

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