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Addicted to him: Pleasure Island

 I don’t know if any of you men or women ever felt so trapped in love as if the man or the woman was your choice of drug. It didn’t matter how many times you tried to leave because of the toxic basis of the relationship – you couldn’t. This is about that exactly. It’s a poem that speaks on how easily we confuse lust and sex with love. We convince ourselves certain feelings like those butterflies are love.


 This is about being addicted to someone who cheats on you. Desiring somebody who takes advantage of your good heart, and knows that no matter what they do you’re the main one to them. Why do they have that much power over you? They know that you will always come back because you allow them to treat you like that.  They will always find a way to hold on to you.


 It’s the kind of love that makes you lose yourself, and hurt. It’s the kind of love that makes you hate yourself. It’s the kind of love that makes you allow others to hate you because well you’re in it you feel afraid of people. You allow the bad stuff about yourself to become what you believe ; even if it’s not true. You become protective of your heart, and people target you.


 You need to be stronger than that, and you need to let go…..


 It takes some people years to get out of these bad cycles where they’ve been made to look like the bad one. You don’t have to live like that anymore. You don’t need to keep seeing everyone as the same because there are bullies in this world who don’t understand what you’re going through, and those are the voices you hear.  Shame on those people


  There are good people out there who won’t let that define you, and will show you your worth again. They will stand by you, and teach you how to love yourself again. You don’t need to be peoples target anymore. From this day forward no matter what you’re going through – start looking up! Fight those demons off of you. Show them they can’t control you. The people who couldn’t see who you are, well it’s their loss. As long as you know you. That’s all that really matters. People deserve to see you for who you really are ; not the way you’ve let others define you for so long. You deserve that for yourself too.



Well this poem speaks to that. Just know if you’ve been in this situation you’re not alone. I hope this poem speaks to you.  It’s one of my deepest poems I ever wrote.


Pleasure Island

By, Irene

I’m so blinded by your fantasy.

I’m stranded on your Island.

I can’t break myself free.

Here I feel so much pleasure.

I think I’m in paradise.

A slave that thinks you’re a treasure.

Who am I? How did I get here?

I’m digging deep into the ground.

I’m like a missing person.

Am I in a human lost-and-found?

Seems I’ve lost myself in you.

Your love I try so hard to resist.

But for some reason I’m feigning it.

My friends don’t know I still exist.

I’m grabbing at your hand.

Slowly I feel myself sinking.

I’m burying myself deeper

You stop me from thinking.

You’re letting me fall.

I’m losing my breath – still fighting.

I’m fighting for you.

I see a flash of lightening.

You want it to strike me.

I can hear your friends cheering, I can hear you mocking.

You got me under your spell.

This shouldn’t be shocking.

I got faith in you, well you leave me in this storm.

I know you’ve done this before.

It’s like a music video that keeps playing on repeat.

Then I still keep coming back for more.

I’m so foolish, it’s humiliating.

I can feel the strangers evil stares.

Then you pull me up as if you saved me.

You leave me there lying.

I’m like a helpless bird without wings.

I feel so crippled tied up in chains.

There you go again promising me things.

You got me on this guilt trip.

If I hold unto you just a little longer.

You’ll give me what I want.

If I act a just a little stronger.

I’m stuck in this rain.

Believing you love me.

All I feel is severe pain.

Then you’re off on your Hawaiin Cruise.

You’re living a double life.

You have no fear of what you will lose.

You trapped me on your Pleasure Island.

I want you so bad, but I’m not okay.

So I’ve been building this boat,

I want to finally sail away.

Find out what’s out there for me.

I’m in jail here.

I will break free from your chains.

I won’t stay in fear.

I will hold unto faith.

Life can seem so unfair.

I will hold unto God.

God answers prayer.

The world doesn’t truly know me.

I’m like a locked up princess.

At war with people trying to steal away my rights.

I won’t be your mistress.

Someday my prince will come.

The world can be so cruel when you’re loyal, loving, and kind.

I just keep dreaming and dreaming.

To distract myself and ease my mind.

The bad ones always seem to get it all,

Being manipulative, and putting on an act.

They can have you so fooled, making the great ones fall.

But I’ll get back up and I’ll win.

You have me so wrong.

I shouldn’t be your prisioner.

I’m so courageous. I’m strong.

I can survive cruelty and broken hearts.

I can do it without seeking revenge or spite.

I have hope and I see a brighter tomorrow.

I take out my candle to light.

I have so many tears now.

They keep falling from my eyes.

Can’t you see it? I care for you.

You’re so scared from my cries.

You try to flip it on me acting all tough.

As If I’m the shallow person.

Baby, don’t you know I’ve had it rough?

You like to see me suffer.

You think that I would hurt you.

Baby, don’t you know that I wouldn’t?

I’m not like you.

My heart is too soft.

You love when I’m hurting.

You love having power.

You’re always out flirting.

It gives you justification.

It allows you to believe I’m just crazy.

Your ego takes over.

Then you forget about me.

You’re too proud to care.

I’m stuck in this misery.

I cry for help and noone hears.

Slowly my love is fading.

I’m starting to give up.

I’m so done with my persuading.

I just want to smile again.

I miss when I used to smile.

I miss when I knew who I was.

You make me suicidal.

I feel empty here.

I’m packing my stuff and I’m ready to leave.

Then there you are again.

I’m so tired of feeling deceived.

I won’t be blinded by you.

Then you pull me back and kiss me by surprise.

I’m trapped again.

You start talking about the future as you look into my eyes.

I can’t escape.

Then I give into your temptation.

Tune out the pain in my heart.

I can’t run away from your sensation.

I feel so trapped on your Pleasure Island.

You blind me.

Let me go.

Don’t touch me.

I’m shouting now!

I don’t want to hurt you like you did me.

I need to avoid you.

I need to be free.

Now the tables are turned.

I’m walking away…..

I’m tuning you out.

I hear you begging me to stay.

I won’t let another man steal my identity.

You found out you had a good woman too late.

Maybe you should of got to know her,

Instead of judged her by her heartache.

It’s your turn to cry.

I still wish you happiness.

Now it’s my turn to say Goodbye.

A woman of Virtue

When people look at me sometimes all they see is…
a girl who is happy,
a girl who has everything,
and a girl who has conquered every demon.
 They don’t see me playing a victim.
I have a forgiving and unconditionally loving heart in a world where most people are conditional. A lot of people do not find that normal. I feel like everything we achieve in life we have to work for it through dignity.
 I can’t stand abuse, and I’m not blind to it.  I will always speak up to it to help victims. I think people want to shut that part of me up. I feel like (hopefully) because I speak up people have the courage to walk away from abusive situations. I don’t mind standing alone and being the voice for the voiceless.
 I believe in saving lives and defending and empowering other women and educating them on why things happen. I don’t believe that marriage is always a solution. I’m not one who cares if people disagree with my opinions or the fact I’d rather not write stuff towards having the image life everybody so desperately wants. I’m used to criticism and I am a stronger woman because of it. Society can be cruel when you walk away from toxic situation-ships rather than settle and compromise just for others to like you.
 I often speak up and write about topics that others don’t want to hear because they want to hear the fantasy. I want to share with others reality. I can’t promise that everything I write will make you feel good about yourself. It will help guide you into a better person though when you reflect your own situation through my honesty.
Some people will love me for it, and others will hate me for it.
 I think as young girls and women who are single. We need to stop feeding into society. All those images we see can’t even compare to what we still have to offer a good man. I think every female deserves that long-haul. Both my older sisters waited on GODS timing and are both in happy marriages. I believe it’s so important to stay a woman of value. I once dated a man who tried to degrade me and it was extremely painful.
He would say things like:

“You need to fix your hair!”

“I’m going to pay for you to have brand name clothes.”

“You need a hair cut.”

“If you love me cut your hair like this, so I can take you out in public.”

It was extremely insulting, and I was extremely offended.

He thought that treating me like this was his way of feeling secure in our relationship. If I listened, if I was submissive than I was worth keeping. I decided to take off all my nice clothes and wear clothes from the thrift shop. I decided to take off all my make-up and embrace my natural beauty. He stopped trying to control me once he realized I was confident in my natural self. To me: he was the one not secure in himself and wanted me to be his trophy girlfriend.

Any time a man tries to change you – being a submissive woman is not the solution. He may turn out to be happy, but you won’t be. In the end that man is testing if he can manipulate you or not. Often these men will cheat on you if you listen to them. They want you to be confused stuck in the thought process of: “I did all this for you to like me….why don’t you like me anymore?”

It’s how they gain power over you. The second they have power over you ; they’re free to have their cake and eat it too. This is a red flag.  No woman with value even gives those men the time of day and if she does he will devalue her as someone to cheat on. Don’t even respond to men like that. Not worth it. What will hurt them is the fact you found better and didn’t want them either and that’s exactly what men like this deserve.

It is the fact that I learned to read through games that has stopped me from jumping into relationships.

Love Vs. Lust

 In my early days of dating. I didn’t really look for a specific man. I looked for attention over respect. I’d go on a coffee date with anyone. I felt I was open-minded ; rather than shallow. To me it was friendship. It was innocent. It was pure. I was just being genuine. I’m friendly, and polite. Now as I’ve matured from those days ; I’m not really into dating unless a man meets my requirements.
 Sadly, most men do not get married based on love and do not marry the one they love. Infidelity is common enough in marriages. Most people settle. Most people bluff. People want a lifestyle, and will compromise for it to share bills. I do not believe just because a marriage is in place that a commitment has been established, and that is most peoples mistakes. They run with the wind without reading the contract they’re signing. Image oriented society. That is the road I was almost headed down, thankfully I was able to see the red-flags ahead of time.
 I think it’s better to wait, and most so called married people now will finally end up divorced when their children grow up because…
A. They’re in it for the image
B. They’re lonely
C. infidelity
 It happens more often than most ever want to admit because GOD forbid we stop looking up to them, and their family portrait. Ego is that powerful. A lot of times young women look for love in all the wrong places. It’s normal to look up to those who are older than us, and want to impress them. I think you should go into every relationship stating what you want, and the other person is either working with you or against you. You will know by how they reciprocate the love you’re showing them. Don’t try to force somebody into a lifestyle they don’t want and vice versa. It is a waste of time for both of you. What’s for you will always be for you, and you’re going to end up missing your blessing caught up in a future you don’t really want. Let it go! Time is not the reason to jump into a fire of hopeless devotion. Your requirements are, and finding someone who can meet them. The bible never said to lower your standards.
Love Vs. Lust
by, Irene
I see an angel ; her face so angelic.
Glowing personality so awesome.
Valuable like an antique relic.
Heart so lovable like a cherry blossom.
Her attractiveness beautiful like a flower.
Allowing herself to be his eye-candy.
Giving him all of her power.
Pleasing him because he’s dandy.
Her mind filled up with naivety.
Her analytic ways causing her misery.
Never any trust ; just lust.
Blissfulness confusing her ; making her convince herself it’s love.
She gives in too fast, starts feeling too deep,
a mess she can’t get out of.
All her friends warned her ; she didn’t listen.
All she sees in the lenses is the blur.
She still sees him glisten.
This is her brand new start.
This man is not in this for her heart.
Only sex to fulfill his lust – for him it becomes a must.
She gives into temptation ; forgetting about God’s plan for salvation.
In fear he might cheat ; rather than trusting Jesus to help her defeat.
She becomes used to this. It’s him she begins to miss.
She gave him that precious gift.
Her sweetness becomes anger – he drifts.
He’s marked his name ; all the hurt it’s her he blames.
He’s vexed ; he’s onto the next.
She’s hurt ; he’s abused her kindness.
Now he’s putting her down for her blindness.
In her life he slowly fades away ; she becomes part of his yesterday.
The warning signs were always there.
Her anger is because she started to care.
All the love has now turned into war.
How does she let go and soar?
He used to make her feel like a precious rose ; now she’s a hideous dandelion.
She feels like ugly black crows ; instead of believing she belongs to zion.
Her heart is so warm ; she’s still trying.
Tears like a waterfall she begins crying.
She lacks self-assurance ; she’s given up on endurance.
She used to go with the flow – where oh where did her faith go?
She’s conditioned herself to expect pain.
Her history taught her only rain.
Instead of looking for the sun ; she looks for the storm.

How does she now conform?

I see the make-up upon her face ; her head that stares in space.

Neglecting her duty ; she covers up her natural beauty.
She longs to be loved ; she stands alone in the distance.
Retaliation becomes her persistence.
She wants to be left alone – she waits by the phone.
Strong opinions she holds ; pain so deep she never unfolds.
People judge without knowing where she’s been.
Her mistakes give them an excuse ; a reason to be mean.
A reason to think they’re better.
Her pain like cuts hidden underneath a sweater.
She tries to turn her life around ; instead of help – they put her down.
She runs back to what she knows – where she glows.
She doesn’t understand love. She doesn’t understand trust.
She doesn’t understand God above. She only understood lust.
Why do people judge instead of show true love?
Life is now like a game ; society has made this world a shame.
No woman on earth deserves to be treated like a mistress.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s princess!
She spent her life dreaming of the romance scenes.
Each and every last one deserves to be somebody’s queen.
If God never gave up on us ; why are we so quick to give up on them?
Why do we judge without helping people heal?
Shouldn’t we stop and think – if we were them –
How would we feel?
Now to the women who are married ; stop hurting these women. They need your guidance not your judgment. Sometimes you’re mad at them because you remember how you were when you were young. Now your sex life in your marriage has stopped and you fear them taking your place. They don’t want your place. They want to believe that they’re worth love, and having the same love that you found.
 Sometimes as women we have an unhealthy attitude towards sex. This attitude has to do with our experience with men, and the fact we didn’t always make good choices in them. Sometimes women treat the one they love for every man in the past who hurt them. Just like a young woman has to find healing to learn what love is and to stop confusing lust with love. A married woman needs to learn how sex can heal a marriage.
 Sex is powerful both negatively and positively. When a marriage is broken and you start taking away sex and using it as punishment towards your husband you’re hurting him. You’re basically telling your man that you don’t love him. I’m telling you as women we don’t realize how manipulative our actions can feel and then we wonder why men start cheating. We blame younger women who want what we have because were no longer valuing it. There is nothing more appealing to a man than when he feels wanted. Make sure you always make your man feel wanted. When you don’t the king in him leaves, and the fool in him returns.




Finding A Man

I seem to break a lot of hearts. People tend to judge books by covers they haven’t even read.
 When dating a new man. I often see that were mismatched early on. I have a list of reasons for them for why were not good together. There is never any drama involved. I don’t believe in giving men false hope or fake promises. I believe in carrying around the standards of a wife even if I’m not yet a wife. The thing is when you learn to dodge men you know you’ll never see in your future. A lot of times they will try to show you what you lost with the next woman in hopes that will still fight for them. Two years later – they often apologize and realize you were just a woman of standards.
It’s hard to find love when your problems aren’t the problems of most women. You understand that a lot of marriages happened because two people got together because they needed to share bills. Once you understand that you don’t rush into it. A lot of people bluff. A lot of people will tell you how happy they are together, and a lot of people will hate you because you can’t stand the false persona of fake relationships. People who pretend to be happy, but are actually unhappy and wish they would leave their relationships / marriages. It’s offensive when you begin to learn how many married folks lie, and you wish they would give honest advice instead of leading you to their misery.
 My friend told me: “Irene, you had a longer relationship than most peoples marriages. You are qualified to give advice.”
 I don’t think I’m any sort of professional or qualified. I think I am just someone who can empathize with others easily. The only thing actually different between me and married folks is the piece of paper. I was smart about it. I didn’t set myself up to be stuck. There are many people who wonder if I’ll ever fall in love, why I avoid it, and everything else.
 I don’t even have a type of man I’m attracted to. I’ve met so many men from all different races. If it weren’t for the fact that I  have a past with baggage ; I do think that a lot of men I meet deserve a good woman. I’m far from bitter. It’s just that I feel my respect is towards my family. I know that I have to live a lifestyle where I am a role-model. I choose love based on what’s best for my family unit in general, and sometimes that means not making love a priority.
 It has nothing to do with “THE LIST” of most women.
It has to do with:
“Is he compatible with the life I’m already happy in?”
 “Is he gonna try to change me?”
 “Am I willing to meet him half way?”
 “Will he be a good role-model for my children?”
 It’s more like making sure a man balances with who I already am. I meet great men, but the balance with my original life I have before them isn’t there. I love everybody in general. My personality is literally compatible with everyone.

I just don’t think most people like my personality. I’m overly friendly. I don’t compromise much. They like me as long as they don’t fall in love with me. When they realize I won’t change for them ; they hate me! Truly free spirited and fall in love with bettering humanity instead!

People want to know they’re special and I treat everyone as special period! I just can’t see myself with a man who ain’t my friend in the long haul. To me love and best friend are the same thing. You will hurt the person you love, but you won’t hurt your best friend. You’ll work it out. To me respect is everything. Respect and honesty.


The Charming loyal player

So you want him back?
I bet your in love with somebody who replaced you. Now he’s telling you how he don’t need you anymore. He’s telling you how he’s too busy for you. He’s telling you how he’s happy with somebody else. He’s telling you how he found somebody better. You haven’t even had time to mourn the break-up.

The lies. The games. The mess he’s playing with your emotions. He’s not being clear and he’s giving you false hope.

He wants to make you JEALOUS hoping he gets some sort of reaction you still want him.

It’s called a man who is smooth.

It’s called a man who is a player.

He fools you that the other woman is special ; meanwhile he had you convinced that you were special.

I bet he’s attractive…ughh… can I hear the word CHARMER?

Don’t buy into his antics. This is a game he is playing so that he can swing back and fourth. You’re still fresh in his head ; meanwhile he’s moving on to a rebound he’s using. If he was worth your time ; he wouldn’t remind you you weren’t worth a good man.That’s called a man who loves for possession. He loves woman as trophies. He loves woman for the facade, but he doesn’t have the patience to survive the emotions that come with a relationship.
 The reason he left you was because you had to many standards for him, and his insecurity couldn’t meet them. He shouldn’t be bringing you down for his happiness. He should’ve uplifted you when you two were together. This type of man is not a man you need closure form. He will end up with a woman who will play him like he did you, and then somewhere in the future he will wish the woman was still you.
A man worth being with takes responsibility and holds himself to accountability for his mistakes. If all a man does is blame you for his downfalls. You gotta know he was in it for the power he had over you ; not for the woman he found in you. Don’t even hate the next girl who took your place. She is naive and probably has no idea.

You just gotta move forwards. Some people come into your life as simply a lesson.


Marriage: Communication is key

I think the real issue in the marriage is lack of communication. The husband is afraid of his wife because of her emotional outbursts and doesn’t know how she will react. The wife feels like she’s not attractive enough to her husband anymore. It’s called a dry spell. What do you expect?

What you should do in those situations is become vulnerable. Don’t let your pride and ego get in the way. Love sometimes means to be vulnerable and when you’re both in that space you can discuss your unmet needs and maybe care about resolving them and appreciating each-other again.

It’s like people tend to  create dramatic scenarios and it’s almost no wonder people cheat on them. I know one thing about a man. The day you took him to your pastor/marriage therapist was the same day he started leaving the marriage. I know one thing about women….the day she started cussing you out was the same day she was telling you she needs reassurance again.

Love and hate are both passion. You both gotta learn to communicate better period. All this other stuff is you two growing a part.

The rest dramatic.

Things can resolve with appreciation from the woman, reassurance from the man, effective communication. When you love people ..you don’t find their flaws. You show them their strengths. People change when respect is given and reciprocated. The rest of the time you all might as well go your separate ways. It won’t get better. It will only get better if you see yourself too. Most you all only see your spouse. My sentiments on that.

The Rebound Position

How I feel towards women who date my exes:

In order to actually be like me: You gotta know how to stand up for what you believe in without compromising yourself for a man!!!
You think you won, but little do you know – I told him to keep you! It hurt for a bit, but over time as I’ve healed. I’ve come to the realization that me and him were

mismatched, and you and him are a better match.

 In the end that’s why I’m still in his head, and you’re still here hating hating, funny thing is I’ve been long gone.

Why did you want to take my place so badly?

I now have the whole world to enjoy – I can now search for my true match.

The only person you ever saw in him was me – why did you want him just because of how you saw him treat me?

It’s hard not to love myself when I know you continually follow my lead to a good man instead of discovering your own path.

Well you’re getting frustrated, angry, resentful. I want to feel bad for you and this karma that you sowed for yourself. I instead I’m praying for you because you think this is all that you’re worth.
The way he treats you. I will never allow a man to treat me.

I wish sometimes you had a father figure to show you that the way he loves you is not the way a man loves.


Ex Boyfriend in my thoughts

“Oops…I called my ex again last night to see him…” and then I stood him up by falling a sleep. He probably thinks I just bailed. This is why I can’t do nor keep relationships. Thank God for his little mercies. I feel like I got desperate and all I wanted was to have sex with him again. Is this how a man thinks? Am I that lost my brain has turned to where I act and react like a man? I feel like I need to feel loved. I feel like I needed attention. I know if I went back to him ; there’s a high chance I would end up pregnant again. The only thing a man could want in night time dating is a: “booty call.” I want to stay celibate. I want to keep on my halo. The problem is: I’m human. My body has needs. I can know all the right things to wait for. I can know what a good man is. In the end, I’ll still run back to comfort.

 “I’m living like Cinderella…Prince Charming come find me.” I tell myself that daily. I want to give you advice on how to move on from your ex, but how can I, when I still got lost in my ex? I know he’s not coming back for a relationship and the only thing he has to offer me is a situation-ship. Yet I crave it. Yet I crave him. Yet, I hate the drama, but at the same time I’m addicted to it.  I guess he’s my choice of a drug. I’d tell everyone else how toxic and unhealthy it is, but when it comes to myself. All I want is to be in passionate madness with him.

My emotions are taking over my logic. Where is my common sense?

 I know that: “What’s meant to be will always be, and what’s not meant to be will never be.”

Sometimes in life you can love somebody who is gone, you can stay loyal to somebody who is not there.  It’s like you’ve become afraid of happiness, and you’ve settled with mediocrity believing there is no such thing as a happy ending. I guess that’s where I am. How do you heal from the pain? How do you move past the broken heart?

I know I need to accept that the past is gone. I know I need to grow from this experience, and some day be on a page where I can empathize with others in the same situation. I’m in this healing process, and well I am. I got people making up my lifestyle, and it hurts. I’m not dating at all, at night when I turn off the lights. I still go to bed alone.

I meet new men sometimes and they seem like a catch, but in reality they’re just potentials. I don’t know them past the facade. Am I afraid to take a leap of faith? Is my own fear stopping me from loving them? Those are some justifications I’ve heard for why we find a place in our growth process where we no longer let love in. In reality as I’ve healed from the past….my standards in a man have increased. I look at a man now, and I’ve grown and I realize I’m not on his level of games anymore.

 This is when I turn to prayer. This is when I turn to GOD. I can see him pushing me harder and harder to work harder and harder and give the rest to him. When I talk about love these days. I’m not clouded by it. I’m just more realistic towards it. So many people are clouded in an image. The image doesn’t exist. Love will happen in any authentic way. You can’t control it. You can’t force it. It’s all in God’s timing.  You may ask:
“Why do you want your ex back then?”

“Why do you want to run back and sleep with your ex then?”

It’s simple my ex is my last memory. Memories don’t just fade. A lot of times people find a rebound and block out their ex. I’m not blocking my ex out. I’m facing the heartache and facing the heartache is forcing me to heal it. If I were to jump into a new relationship right now. I’d just carry the baggage with him over to that relationship before it’s healed.

  The crazy thing about living in the present is you learn to be logical about the future and you come to accept that fairytales don’t exist. The person I end up with can literally be a divorced person who is currently married now. The list goes on. Taboo right? Part of finding happiness is accepting that the facade is not real, and sometimes the facade is the nightmare. You gotta learn to let go of your ego. You gotta learn to drop your pride. In the end your spouse and you is all you will have. You want to make sure you end up with a person who understands you, not just uses you to show you off. The crowd won’t be there forever. You won’t look young forever.  You gotta make sure you’re connected in your souls.

  The length of a relationship means absolutely nothing on how healthy a couple is together even if that couple is married. Sometimes it just means two people who share the same demons who find comfort in being toxic together. My bible says: “Don’t covet.” You have no clue what lies behind the mask of the picture that is being portrayed. Just breathe. Just live life. I think that when you meet the person you think you’re destined to be with it’s important to be: “Friends first.”

This way you can study them like your favourite piece of artwork and make sure that you complement each-other well. I think it’s important to accept that the person you match with may have a past, but if you have a past too….why does their past matter? Court eachother. If you can relate there’s a chance you’re both in a stage of maturity and can help eachother climb into the next chapter of life. All of life is a growth process. A man is going to change for a woman he truly wants and not because she is fixing him, but because he knows she’s the best he has ever found, and he does it freely. He will fear losing her.  Sometimes you and your ex are going to drift a part and maybe in the future meet again. Life is a journey. You just gotta ride the waves of it.




Would I Marry A Christian Man?

It depends.

I grew up in the faith, but out of all my siblings. I’m pretty much one of the few who stuck in the faith which is pretty ironic.

I discovered freedom away from the faith and even after the freedom. I still returned to the faith.

I’m a praying woman. I think that when you’ve experienced the faith, and the falling from grace. It opens your eyes to see yourself more than others, and you’re more likely to open the door to a non religious person, but once they don’t understand your values. Conflicts arise.

I also think when you open the door to a religious person, they can’t accept the part in your story where you weren’t saved, and often want to change you. I don’t mean just change you. I literally mean change everything about you and make you forget who you are because every part of your story is a part of you period.

It’s a whole contradiction of a way to live.

I will fall in love with who I fall in love with and if you’ve followed my journey to love. You would be shocked to know the type of men I fall for.

Everything you expect from me is everything I’m not. I fall in love for what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

I don’t believe religion and spirituality has anything to do with it. I don’t fall in love with a man for his walk with God. I fall in love with a man because he sees what’s on the inside. ❤️❤️❤️

The rest is a challenge, but all relationships are a challenge.

It says in the Bible that the two should be equally yolked and in marriage become one flesh. So, I understand how Christians will judge me for my answer.

However, I never once ran around saying: “I’m saved”….nor did I ever feel that church was the best place to find a man.” I think some of the best actors go to church.

There are so many unrealistic expectations people hold me to when they see I read the Bible or go to church or whatever else I do.

I think people misunderstand how humble a person I truly am. I just like reading everyone’s assumptions because I don’t put myself out in a way that says “You have to like me!” I’m actually surprised when people still do.

I think people expect me to be married or something too, and then I’m not, and they wonder why I can’t keep a man.

It’s all these expectations people put on us for how we should be. When they can’t figure it out. They make it up.

I’m just me human…..and I can’t help who I fall in love with even if the rest of the world doesn’t agree with it.

The fact of the matter is some of us are gonna be Angelina Jolie falling for married men unexpectedly and play the second wife, some of us are going to be Michelle Obama the smart girl who married the geek and ended up the president’s wife struggling with infertility as she wrote in her book. Some of us are going to be Hillary Clinton, went to college with our husband who practically cheats on us our whole marriage but we stick with him regardless if the alleged rumours are true. Some of us are going to be Melania not looking for the spotlight just being ourselves and hoping to find a fairytale being a man’s young third wife and a first lady. You get my drift. Nobody plans it. The older you get the more you realize the fairytale doesn’t exist.

I mean we can all live in fantasy with how perfect we all are but in reality this is life. I don’t know who I’ll end up with….maybe the next pastor…maybe your husband. Just being honest.

Can you love more than one person?

Ponder This: I’ve heard people say that they can be in love with 2 people at the same time. What are your thoughts?

Yes. I can love five men at once. I really can.

#1. I can love the fact that this man over here has morals and integrity, but he can’t put it down for me in the bedroom.

#2. I can love the fact that this man over here can put it down for me in the bedroom, but he has no morals and integrity.

#3. I can love the fact that I have a past with this man over here. It’s true what they say about soul-ties. They’re hard to break, but in the same note I can hate this man for the way he treated me in the past.

#4. I can love the fact that I see this man over here in my future, but I can also hate this man for the fact he’s not patient enough for the fact I’m still not over my past.

#5. I can love this last man over here simply because he is the peacemaker in all of my poor decisions in life and in love and in the same note I can send him off to the friendzone.

Every single day we compartmentalize our love for others, and every day we stay loyal and break our own hearts simply because emotionally we’re sending out our love into five different directions and it’s messing up our perspectives in love.

This is when I have to take a step back and say: “Hey all you men after me messing with my head. If I choose one of you. One of you gets hurt.”

Most men seem to like competition though – maybe it’s their ego? It seems rather vain to me. In the end, my mind and my heart go to war and I end up choosing nobody because that’s just the way I am. For a faithful woman. I set myself up for failure in love.

I could end up single for two years and look like I’ve been with five men because of it simply because as women we process things differently than men do – or do we? Men tend to categorize us like she’s my woman I’m having sex with, she’s my future wife, she’s my side-chick. They tend to go in those type of rotations for which they’ve learnt to deal with the saying: “He’s a player.” They sometimes ghost us or they often want to fight for us when they can’t have us.

Us on the other hand, we compartmentalize men emotionally. At the end of the day. I will choose whatever man I’m looking for at that certain point in my life. If what I want is a good sexual partner – I’ll end up choosing a man who gives me good sex. I was watching FAMILY FEUD and one of the questions was “how important is sex in your life out of ten?” and the top answer was 8 out of 10. People do prioritize sex in their relationships. The hurtful realization of choosing a man that way is yes he’ll be drawn to me through the magnet of attraction, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to respect me. As women, as much as we want attention and to be flattered in a relationship, we want to be respected because as I’ve stated, men often put us into categories too. I’ll end up hurt over the situation because what I start to want in my life once I invest into the soul-tie he will no longer want in his. It will become serious for me when it was never that serious to him. As an example that’s why people always say it’s love, but what it really is is what’s in our comfort zone in that moment of time we are in in our lives.

We tend to love aspects of others and when we love aspects of others – we end up choosing men who are like us. We often attract back to us the exact way that we see ourselves. Everybody else becomes unworthy because were only seeing our own brokenness; not the love language a good man may be trying to give us. It’s funny how we all want a great thing or a great catch in the opposite sex until we actually have it. It reminds us how imperfect we actually are and it makes us too insecure to be in the relationship. We become scared of it. We’re all scared of the unknown in general. Sometimes we’re so scared of a good thing, we often settle for toxic loves. We often listen to our friends advice because they just go with whatever we want. They never really think about what’s right for us. They usually think about what’s right for us in their presence. At the end of the day we know toxic love won’t reject us, but we always feel unknown love will. So yes, men and women do tend to love a lot of men and women at once. They really do.

I have come to learn that “LOVE IS PATIENT. LOVE IS LONGSUFFERING.” and we can look at the way we love certain men. It’s like looking in a mirror at ourselves and realizing when we do that what we have isn’t love. How can we truly love somebody else until we’ve learnt to love ourselves? You can’t give love to somebody else you haven’t already given to yourself.

Anytime we see those destructive patterns in our lives. We need to take a break from love and fly solo for a bit while we figure out who we are. If we don’t learn who we are – how will we ever find the right person to match with who we are? How will we ever find a soul-mate who aligns with us?

In life we need to find enough confidence in ourselves to say: “I still love you, but you don’t align with my spirit.”

There is so much heartache in the world. Why do we have to add more to ourselves and to other people? We must study our own weaknesses and learn the strengths in others so we know where we can be helped in love and vice versa. Often times we only see the weaknesses in others and only the thought that we deserve perfection. Many times were quick to throw in the towel in situations that can be resolved simply by outsiders opinions. We need to learn more how when we meet a soulmate we can balance each other out to find harmony in the relationship.

Love is very special and authentic. To love somebody is to love them wholeheartedly and find all those aspects in five different people in one person and one person alone. To love somebody is to love them when you see their flaws, and until somebody loves somebody with their flaws. How can they love? They have not looked in a mirror long enough to see their own, and that’s what love is.

No, I do not believe a person can love more than one person in such a way. They must love in such a way that even when the person let’s their soul open – they will fight to protect them because they love them. People are so protective of their energies as humans we can only really have that type of energy for one person. When a person puts all their energy into you – you’re that person they desire to love. If they didn’t desire to love you – they wouldn’t bother. The best thing you can do for yourself is to dive in, but many people run to aspects of love instead of to love. They then ask: “Why is my love life so dysfunctional?” I feel some people are just afraid of happiness.

My letter to men:

Dear Men,

Find a woman that forces you to grow into a better man. Most of you are looking for a woman who fuels your ego. The older you get the more you’ll realize all women are the same. Some just never show it until a marriage. If you’re not changing into a better man for her. She’s not the one. She’s taking you backwards not forwards. The thing is she’s your future divorce. The one who challenges your growth is the one who knows not to settle for a man not growing.

She’ll be your queen in a marriage.