In life every time I leave a place to find healing. It seems like my closest friends in the place feel abandoned by my departure. They act like they lost somebody precious. They act like I’m the reason for their conflict and that’s why I left. They just want power over me. They just want to control me. They will manipulate me and do vindictive things to me until I play their game. I’m a little bit emotional. Emotional people are often misunderstood. I have a good heart and I try to hold unto friendships longer than I should, and it just makes me look bad. I run backwards to the mess I think I can fix, instead of forwards to my purpose where my calling is. I constantly put myself in zones of world war three. I hate the drama but it always seems to love finding me. It’s like I can’t even vent because everything I vent will be taken as if it was towards them, and then I’ll be questioned about it. I’m overly sensitive. It’s hard to cope in a world full of guilty consciences often using me as their punching bags to deny their inner pain.
I just want to be a good person. I just want to be at peace with everybody. It’s hard for me to accept that not everybody is as kind as they seem. They look like roses on the outside, and I just wanna see the roses. I can’t see the thorns. I can’t accept so many people use my name to put their dirt on. I think people are so used to me being so outwardly strong. I don’t even think they know how much they make me cry myself to sleep sometimes. I don’t cry in front of them. I hold my pain in because I’m guarded. Why can’t they see that I too am just human? I’m so tired of being preyed on. I’m so tired of being treated like a cartoon character. All my positive thinking turning into storms I have to conquer.
I often open up to the worst people. I give them what they want. My insecurities. My vulnerabilities. I never see it coming the day they are used against me as if I’m a checker board. Sometimes I’m used to it. Sometimes I’m numb to it. Sometimes the tears roll out of my eyes and down to my cheeks. I try to dry them, but they just keep coming. Situations I never had control over. Why do I always attract such controlling people? What is wrong with me that I attract that?
You know those people: “My way or the highway.”
You know those people: “Protect my lies, or I’ll destroy your life.”
I think sometimes I try to see the best in the worst people. I think sometimes I get blinded by the charm and the popularity that someone has. I want them to like me, but I don’t like the feeling of disloyal. I think I know what a narcissist is but I never seem to know how to dodge one. I’m so empathetic. I think I can fix them.
My empathy runs so deep. I can’t even see the danger sometimes. The poison that I’m allowing into my life. Toxic people. People who will use my kindness for weakness. People are so used to me always being there, and then one day I can’t take it anymore. I move forwards. The day I move forwards they strike me the hardest. I’m tired of defending myself sometimes. I don’t want to compromise myself either to just give into a agenda or a false sense of confidence. I fight my way through it hoping the storm will pass, and in the storm the plot of revenge is always plotted against me. It’s like I’m supposed to just give in and play the games. The messes. The misery. The cycles I have to constantly grow through. I could be so outspoken and so guarded. I could be so self-cautious and so self defensive. I’m not sure sometimes if I’m blessed or I’m cursed.
Last time I found myself in this situation. I walked into a church thinking I was finding healing for my problems. I thought I was in safe surroundings. I was in a place where I thought love was and that we were all a family. I never knew I was just the black sheep of the family. I started lowering my guard. I started opening up to leaders. I started getting involved, thinking I was doing God’s work. I think I got way too involved.
I became a threat to the first lady. I’m not sure if it was my nice dresses. The way I did my make-up. The way I tried to make everyone feel like a family. My kindness was a little too much for her. She started treating me like her husbands mistress. The trust that took me forever to build was taken away from me in split seconds. The healing that took me years to find was stolen from me in split seconds. It’s the price of beauty. It’s the price of kindness.
Sometimes I think I unintentionally became a home-wrecker. I was rejected, isolated, alone. I had nobody I could turn to because everybody saw the leaders as if they were godlike creatures. I had to battle with insomnia, anxiety, and depression all by myself. It was the hardest thing. My kindness faded into resentment, and my resentment into church hurt. False accusations thrown all over the place against me. Shunned by the members who worshipped the leaders. Stripped of my dignity. Stripped of my reputation. How do you climb up from that when you’re in that world ; a world you’re supposed to trust? Not one single person to defend me.
I turned to the pastor thinking the pastor was my friend not realizing your enemies are closer than you think. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried some more and nobody understood what I was going through. It was painful, traumatic, upsetting. I tried to journal my way through it. My journals turned into never ending emails. I was destroying my future fighting for a friendship willing to sacrifice everything. I tried to express myself to the people who hurt me only for them to not look in a mirror and constantly put their flaws on me. I never saw it coming the day the situation escalated. I thought you could trust people in a church environment. I failed to realize they’re so used to being on a platform. They’re not used to being reminded their just human and they hurt people. It was like two alphas in a room and we were getting nowhere. A friendship gone. A friendship ended. Hurt. Betrayed. I walked around more guarded than before. Even if I told people my side. I was so afraid I’d never be believed. So I took the blame, and I gave in but I left. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to leave. I was supposed to stay and get more hurt.
I know how it feels to be treated like a mistress when you never even were one. I know how it feels to be destroyed for trying to be a good person. It’s the hardest thing in the world to heal from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up and feel worthy again when you trusted people who found a way to break you and make you feel worthless. I know we all go through this. We all handle it differently. None of us are ever prepared for betrayal, and broken hearts from people we thought were there to protect us. We gotta learn to get up and accept that life is full of obstacles to make us stronger. Betrayal from people we truly trusted is one of those obstacles.