Struggling With Faith
I go into my solitude sometimes. I get down on my knees and I fold my hands together. I close my eyes. I meditate and I start saying my prayers.
I’ve strayed far from you. I know you are a God of Grace. I know you are a God of Mercy. I know you are a God of forgiveness. I know you are a God of love. Please forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday. Please have mercy on me for all my imperfections. Please grow me into a person who lives accordingly to your will. Please give me courage. Please give me strength. Please give me hope to face tomorrow. I just want to be the best person I can can be. In Jesus name AMEN.”
I open my eyes and I read over my poem that I keep with me through all hard times. Through every heartache, and every heartbreak.
I’m just sitting here at home.
Silently, I’m all alone.
Waiting by my phone. You got me waiting by my phone.
You got me checking. You got me checking my missed calls.
You got me counting. You got me counting our downfalls.
I keep on checking. I keep on checking my in-box.
I keep on texting. I keep on texting your in-box.
I keep on focusing, trying to distract myself with school.
Player, don’t you know – you got me looking like a fool?
You got me calling – wondering why you haven’t answered mine.
You got me stalling – asking did our love run outta time?
Here I am still chasing ; all this time you have me wasting.
All this time I spent forgiving ; now it’s time for me to start living.
Time is up – it’s time for you to go.
All your act was only show.
All this time you had me thinking
My life just slowly sinking.
My life just fading slowly away.
My dreams wishing for one more yesterday.
Player, don’t you know? It’s time for you to go.
Yesterday, I picked up my phone.
I was attempting to dial your phone.
Someone answered ; it wasn’t you.
He told me he understood what I was going through.
All that time I spent knocking, knocking on your door.
All that time I spent begging, begging for more.
This man told me he was doing for me, what I was doing for you.
This man told me he was doing for you, what I was doing for you.
Now I don’t need to cry no more tears.
Now I don’t need to have no more fears.
Now I don’t need to feel alone.
With love, and protection, he’s filled my home.
All I need to say is THANK-YOU JESUS.
All I need to say is I LOVE YOU JESUS.
So now I’m praying for you instead.
No more troubles running through my head.
Now like an angel – I’m going to shine.
It was JESUS on the other line!
I had to find forgiveness for you because I knew the way Jesus always found forgiveness for me. I was raised in the church but I’ve always felt driven away by them – no matter which one. As a child I went – it was easy to memorize every verse in the bible. I’m very good at memorizing. It was easy to do good works. I have no problem doing the motions. It was easy to pay attention to the sermons, and show up every SUNDAY. My heart wasn’t in it.
Growing up in a religious home – I’ve read the bible probably more than most people. I’ve listened to it. It’s all my father ever played in his house on his surround sound speakers. I just often found it boring. I found it an obligation. I often found myself more confused than blessed by it.
Every church I go to seems to say they’re the only right church with the only true doctrine. Every single church I’ve gone to – I found something that doesn’t make sense. I prayed on it. I read on it. I did daily devotions. I was still confused. Pastors and Leaders in the church often act like they save people. They treat parishioners as if they have power over their congregations and that the parishioners should make an idol out of them like a God or a Celebrity figure.
Pastors can preach the bible to the best of their knowledge, but nobody understands it 100%. In the end it’s GOD who opens our eyes as we read through it and he gives us knowledge about who he is. Hopefully through doing our daily devotions we will come to know him and Christ as our personal lord and saviour. In the end it’s GOD who decides. God knows who is standing for him and who is standing against him.
The churches I went to always drove me away, and that’s when I didn’t have standards any-more. I didn’t have fake morals to lead my life. They worked for a bit ; eventually the discipline the church had on me wasn’t working any-more.
I was only doing the motions. My heart wasn’t in it. Baptism didn’t purify me – it was only a symbol. The church shouldn’t be able to have that kind of control over us and our lives. We should be able to live a CHRISTLIKE life without the church watching us 24/7. I believe when the church isn’t around us ; that’s when we know what our desire for JESUS really is.
I know I myself have messed up so much in my life. There was a time I hated GOD so much and I asked him: “Lord if you really exist – Why is my life so miserable?” I rejected his presence in my life completely. I became atheist, and that way I didn’t have standards to live by. This lifestyle I started to live made temptation more accessible and more acceptable.
I pushed my family away when I needed them the most. I was so miserable, so unhappy. There were days I was overwhelmed with depression. Life was a lot to bare, and I didn’t want to deal with it any-more. I wanted to escape.
Even in church I felt I couldn’t go to the people in there. They didn’t make me feel worthy of being there. I’m not the type of person who continues on in a place where I feel unwelcome and unwanted.
So WHAT DID I DO? I did the next normal thing people do. I surrounded myself by people who were like me and were willing to listen without judging me. I became my own worst enemy caught up in all the peer pressure. I found myself attracted to drama and attracted to pain. I was having pre-marital sex with men who didn’t love me. I became a handful to deal with. I was always in tears and I always felt like a victim.
I tried to be strong and hide my tears. I hid my pain in void fillers and empty relationships. I didn’t want to be anybody’s burden. I felt alone and depressed. The more I left GOD. The more I lived it. The more acceptable it became.
Society accepted it, so I guess it was okay (at the time.) I felt like the people I surrounded myself with were the only people listening to me. I felt like they were the only people who cared. I felt better like I had friends but they weren’t real friends. I couldn’t talk to them about anything because I didn’t want to be the center of anybody’s gossip. I know how people could use prayer as gossip.
I know I haven’t always lived the best life. I know I’ve made my own set of mistakes I’m not proud of. I know how hard I tried to be nice to everyone, but the truth is, a real friend never is. A real friend tells us the truth, and tells us stuff we need to hear, not stuff we want to hear. That I wasn’t. Those are the kind of people we often push away.
Those are the same people who look out for us through the toughest times. I thank my family every day for that! They never been fake with me. At the same time sometimes being a friend is showing people tough love, and sometimes we have to let people make mistakes so that they can learn to appreciate life more. We need to be ignorant and just pray for them and let GOD do the rest.
I’ve had to overcome a lot of depression in my faith journey. I’m not perfect, but I’ve come a long way from where I was. I know everything that GOD puts us through is for a reason. God will never put us through something we can’t handle. God tests us in many different ways. Somehow, we always seem to fail God’s tests. God always knows what he’s doing even if we don’t.
I’ve learned that life is never easy for anyone. I think sometimes GOD makes our lives so miserable to see how far we will go to stand by him or stand against him. Sometimes our lives are unhappy and God puts us through things because he wants to know if were willing to stand strong in the test he has for us.
God wants to know we will never quit on him. We may preach stuff and we may teach stuff. When god comes to test us he will test us to the end of our limits to see if our faith, trust, hope, belief, and strength is really in him. At the end of the day we need to learn to have faith in the one who created us, and that he will always pull us through it.
Disobedience to GOD will only lead to more misery. No matter how bad our struggles are. We need to have the desire to do what’s right, and GOD is a loving GOD. Once we put our faith in him – he will guide our path and maybe he will bless our life, and by our example help to bless someone else’s life as well.
God is an amazing GOD full of grace, love and compassion once you understand him.