Pastors and Marital Affairs

 I grew up in the church. I sat through multiple sermons. In every church; behind every pulpit is a handsome man in one way or another. We love to praise that man or we love to hate that man. He either reminds us of things we need to change in ourselves or he helps us find a better way to live. He does it all through God and the bible of whatever doctrine of denomination he belongs to. He probably went to school and studied a whole bunch of theology. He probably went to seminary and tried to land the hottest girl on his campus. I’m not sure what makes a man want to be a pastor. A pastor is a huge responsibility. I’ve always wondered that. Well the world looks up to the preachers. I’m here to remind you that all pastors / preachers are just human.

Christianity was a lifestyle I was born into. The bible was the main book I read as a child. I memorized the scriptures. I was a very competitive person. I went to a club called: AWANA. It stands for: “Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed of the gospel of Christ.” I even attempted to memorize all the catechisms for the pastor. I pretty much succeeded. Every year we had a Christmas Pageant we would put on for the church. I always felt the Pastors Wife never gave me enough lines. Every year I’d ask her to be something else. I was an angel, and then I was a shepherd, and then I was a magi. I just wanted more lines in the pageant. Every year she gave me a bigger part. I never did get the part I wanted. It taught me though. It taught me to pay more attention in church so that maybe one day I’ll get it. My parents always raised me to some day grow up and marry a Godly man. I guess I had a dream to marry a pastor. That was my fantasy of Prince Charming. I wasn’t read fairy-tales. I was read bible stories.

I’ve been to several denominations throughout my life time. It gets confusing once you’ve had so much doctrine instilled into you. I eventually grew up looking for a church family to become a part of. I’ve been so educated by all the denominations. I started questioning everything and nobody ever had real answers. It was always: “let’s praise the pastor!” I got annoyed after a while. I left the church. I went to find God for myself. I went to find a lifestyle outside of the one I was raised in. I was in a search for truth, for Jesus, For GOD. I was in search of myself. I found myself wondering: Am I Christian or am I a Spiritual person? I eventually learned church is a great place to teach people to be grounded morally and instil values into children. Eventually, you grow up, and it can become very disheartening. You’re no longer sheltered.

As the world educated me outside the world of Christianity. I was no longer naive. I learned about heartache. I learned about heartbreak. I learned about betrayal. In my healing process trying to rewrite my relationship with GOD. I began self-educating myself outside of religion. I began a self journey. I became a very philosophical person. I became contemplative. I became a deep thinker. I told myself: “next time I enter a church. I’m not going to believe anything based on a success story.” I began to look deeper than I ever looked before. I began to realize not everybody is who they seem. We have to be careful which leaders we follow. Yes, even preachers / pastors. Marrying a pastor was no longer my dream. Reality sunk in of what being married to a pastor means. It wasn’t a life I thought was very happy. It was a life that required a lot of compromise and a lot of sacrifice.

I still continued to be fascinated by pastors / preachers. They were one of my first role-models in life. They were my comfort zone. In a way I saw them as protectors. I could never see them as anything else. Then one day I went to a church and I realized how many women are only there for the pastor but not for God. I started researching: “Pastoral Affairs.” It was amazing what a reality it is. It destroyed every fantasy I ever had about a preacher. It destroyed everything I ever believed a preacher to be. It was very damaging to everything I ever knew. It was a very enlightening moment.

In life we really have to find a balance with every part of it or we will find ourselves in places we don’t want to be. We may find ourselves idolizing the wrong type of people. I experienced church hurt several times. I decided to take my painful experiences from church and pour them into a craft I call my writing. I suppose many pastors do the same thing through their sermons. I found myself often going to church to find new perspectives. These days I find sermons to be more like self-help books and motivational talks. I guess that’s why so many women look up to preachers more than God. They appear more like career men in modern society.

Due to my curiosity. I found myself studying all types of pastors to understand what makes a good leader. A few of the traits that make a good leader are: a positive attitude, being charismatic, and being confident. I wondered how somebody could be a good leader with all those magnificent traits and not fall into the temptations in the world that so many people fall into. I continued to research: “Fallen Pastors.” In my research I discovered pastors are no different than you and me behind their facade of leadership.

How does an affair with a pastor start? It’s simple. Pastors have so much responsibility on their plates from their marriage, their family life, to caring for the church, to making sure Sunday Services are always on point. This puts a huge stress factor on a pastor and many actually burnout. We don’t want to see our pastoral leaders like this; however we need to make ourselves aware of it.

Another problem many pastors encounter within the church are the many females who attend looking for healing. They’re looking for God again and they happen to come from broken homes. In some ways they see the pastor as the father figure they never had and they begin to idolize the pastor as a celebrity rather than go to God and respect him as a spiritual leader. It’s a pastor’s job to redirect them. Often due to life circumstances – he can become weak in such circumstances himself. Pastors go to school to become pastors. They don’t go to school to be become therapists.

There are the many females in search of being a first lady and wearing the first lady hat. If a pastor is having marital problems at home – it’s very easy for him to fall into temptation. Any attention becomes good attention even bad attention. He sees a girl in his church working hard for his attention and he confuses it with the fact she’s hard for Gods attention. He gets distracted. It feeds his ego. He forgets to go to God. He doesn’t see her motives. He only sees her attention to him.  It’s an ego stroke – he’s often not getting from his wife.

It’s important to help a pastors marriage thrive so that these things don’t happen. It’s important to always uplift pastors in their marriage. It’s important to give them time with their families and allow them their own personal space outside of the church. Let’s protect the marriages of pastors.

Is it that we can’t trust our leaders / pastors or is it that we can’t accept how human they actually are? How would you feel if this was going on in your church? What are solutions to improve the marriages of pastors?


Irene Mielke

Irene H. Mielke (born May 21) is a writer (ie. content writer, blogger, poet, song writer, ghost writer, soon-to-be-author). She can write just about anything. Her first poem was published in the local Ottawa newspaper at the age of 12. She has had her article featured in a Toronto magazine a few years ago. She has also won top articles for her writing pieces twice. Irene is Canadian. Her roots are of mixed heritages. Irene’s origin consists of German and Indigenous descent. Irene struggled in her teenage years and as a result became a high school drop out. Those were some difficult times. She couch surfed, lived with roommates, and so on. She sometimes slept outside while trying to go to school. It was these experiences that humbled her early in life. She eventually graduated high-school with top grades and went on to pursue higher goals. She loves to read and support others in becoming the best version of themselves. She also loves to go the gym and her favourite sport is soccer.