A beautiful pink journal covered in sparkles. A pink pen with the word: “DREAM” in bold letters. I got all these ambitions. I’m thinking of colourful rainbows. I’m trying to be motivated. Rainbows bring hope on cloudy days. I’m melting like ice in silence. Isolated from my friends. Depression from the anxiety. I got the blues.
My life is a sad movie. It’s something like the scene at the Rising Climax. I just want to scream to feel better. I need comfort food ; perhaps maybe ice-cream? A tear is falling from my eye. I take my finger and wipe it. I want to hide it. I want to cry. I’m writing another sad letter to say goodbye. I know I wrote one before. I still need closure.
It seems like pain is my best friend. Here I go again.
You and me both know why were not friends anymore, and it’s not because of me. It’s because of you. Don’t be mad at me because you don’t know how to drop your arrogance other than for the stage.”
Here I go again casting the blame. I thought I was better than that. Now I look insane. Why won’t he admit he hurt me? Why won’t I admit I need my space to breathe and haven’t healed? The stubbornness inside the both of us.
I continue venting out-loud with my pen in my notebook.
”I tried to help you. You took my kindness for weakness. You took me for granted. You’re the one person I had the most respect for. You value the stage more than you do friendship. I value friendship more than I value the stage.”
Why do I want to get my point across to him so bad? He’s not staying up late at night crying over me, the way I’m staying up late at night crying over him. I can even see my white hairs popping out of nowhere. This is stress. This is anxiety. I need positivity.
I know all about meditation. I know all about finding a new hobby. I’m still determined to fix this friendship clearly in all the wrong ways.
I continue journaling.
“I did everything I could to help you be happy. The truth is you don’t want to be happy. Don’t you ever read between the lines?”
I want him to see how much love I have for him ; instead he wants to see me as somebody who hates him. Everything is so scattered. Why are we so competitive? Why can’t we just find harmony? Empathy? Understanding? Why is forgiveness so difficult?
I guess were both broken. I guess were both somewhat damaged. I guess this friendship really is toxic. Maybe I miss the memories? Maybe I miss him? Maybe it’s my ego that’s bruised? Maybe it’s my heart that’s broken?
Is this my bad karma for something?
I love LeAnn Rimes.
She was such a succesful country singer at a young age. She ruined her career by marrying the man she had an affair with. I love her voice. It’s so pure and angelic. I’m listening to her music.
I’m listening to: “Life Goes On,” and some of the lyrics go like this: “Shame on you if you fool once, shame on me if you fool me twice.” I can feel the emotions in her voice when she sings it. I can feel the story in her song several times in my life especially right now. What’s with me and these destructive patterns?
All her music is relatable. She’s always been one of those singers I can listen to when I’m going through something. It’s so painful that the ones you love the most are often the first to hurt you. They become the ones you have to learn to live without.
I want to be strong. I want to stop these tears from falling. I’ve held my tears in for much too long. I’ve felt the feeling of numbness. I wanted to believe in the power of grace and mercy. I lie to myself that people deserve third, fourth, and fifth chances. The harder I try – the more their true colours show. It’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. Everything you thought you knew – in the end you know nothing. The friend you bonded with on such a deep level is now a stranger.
I’m think I’m over the hurt. I think I’m over the anger. I think I’m over the resentment. Now I just want closure. The tears I’m finally crying aren’t even tears of hurt. They’re tears of being too overly loving, too overly caring. I tried too hard. I was patient too long. They aren’t even fighting tears. They’re tears of I know this is goodbye for real. The situations become too painful to re-open. It’s like you try to give somebody 100 and they pretty much give you zero.
I gotta close that chapter and open the next one. I’d be lying if I said I knew where to begin. In our head we always know what we need. Our heart is always telling us something else. It’s hard getting used to change. I feel the feeling of fear. I feel the fear of success. I always wonder how people push past it. I reflect so many chapters in my life and I tell myself:
“You can do this! Just focus. So many others have done it before you. Stop running backwards to people who only want power over you. Run forwards to people who see your potential.”
I forget sometimes why I’m doing it. These goals! All the sacrifices that nobody sees, but you know that it’s the path worth it. As much as people say: “No Regrets!” I never really trusted those type of people. They say it because they never really looked in a mirror at themselves.
Here I am looking at myself in the mirror a girl filled with broken chapters knowing it’s time to transform them. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all had regrets. It’s through owning up to them that we heal them, and change ourselves into better people. I blame myself for certain situations in my life that didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve. I often wear my opinions. I’m aware the way it makes people portray me.
They’re sometimes intimidated by me. They sometimes confuse me with snobby. I’m so used to criticism. I learned to see the good in everyone. I don’t always share my pain. I believe more in sharing my happiness. I share my advice so others don’t end up with the same sad sob stories I once ended up with.
I always find it truly beautiful when in the midst of darkness. You meet people who are humble on the inside ; rather than just look successful and charismatic on the outside. Somebody who doesn’t do compassion or kindness for recognition or rewards. They just do it SIMPLY from the goodness of their hearts. Life always gives us a million reasons to crumble. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes we learn. Hopefully we grow.
I tend to value meaningful friendships and meaningful relationships more than anything. Friendships and relationships where people are open and honest even when it hurts. I know I’m not perfect, so I don’t understand how some people see me as perfect. I don’t like friends who enable me and make me look like a fool. I want them to tell me where I go wrong in situations because if they can’t. I have no idea what I need to fix in myself. I know I have things to fix. I love friends who help me become the woman GOD called me to be. I think that type of sincerity is so lost in this culture.
Loyalty and devotion is so hard to find. People who see your potential and give you tough constructive criticism to help you grow into the best version of yourself. Those are the people we must hold on to with everything that we have. There are many who will only use us for their own gain as long as we live in their dreams and not in our own.
I guess that’s why I’m still fighting for his friendship because I remember how it was when I didn’t understand what true friendship was. People grow at their own pace and sometimes that’s a hard concept to accept.