How do marital affairs happen?

How do marital affairs happen


 The beginning of romance… 

We are all young and naive at one point where we long to sweep someone off their feet or to be swept off our feet. We fall for the modern version of Cinderella or the modern version of Prince Charming. We want that happily ever after. In the beginning everyone sells their best side. There are very few who show the other levels to their personality. It takes a wedding for those sides to come out.

It starts with lust…

Were all guilty of falling into lust with an attraction of hot eye-candy. We all fall into infatuation with whatever it is we first desire in the opposite sex. She might of gave the man a really nice gift. He might have a really great career.

Let’s discuss ingredients…

There are different aspects to love which each create an ingredient towards the full package. Some of these ingredients include: Sex, Friendship, Fun, and Romance. Appearance, Money, Personality, and Status are definitely attributes we may look for in a future spouse or significant other.

Questions: Which one do you think is important in choosing a future partner? What attributes do you look for in a mate? Are you looking for a life partner or a soul-mate? My answer: A lot of people want to cross getting married off their bucket list and a lot of other people are still waiting for that MR. or Mrs. Right

 The problem…

All these qualities in a spouse are just as important as each-other to make the full package of marriage work. The problem is we often pick love before we fully understand what we want and who we are. Often we pick love before we blossom into the best version of ourselves. We want to be fixed. We want to fix someone else. We want to feel good. We want to have the picture perfect life. We tend to settle for someone who appears to have the main ingredient we want in the moment; rather than search for someone who can hold us down for a life time. Patience is a virtue. This honey-moon phase only lasts for so long.

The honeymoon phase…

Life is so eloquent during the honeymoon phase. Everybody is praising couples during the honey moon phase. Couples live on cloud nine. They past the infatuation phase and feel so deep and in love. They’re always there for each-other like best friends. The attachment feels so strong during that phase for lovers.

 What goes wrong?… 

The honesty isn’t there only the attraction is. I feel that’s why so many men turn into players with like five girlfriends who each offer a different ingredient towards the mans needs. I do not condone this, but I can understand it. I can understand it in a culture where when a need is not being met by the significant other. There are always other options. I can understand it in a culture where everything is so available due to things like social media, online dating, and everything else. These days all anyone has to do is make a profile or read one to see who someone is and who someone associates to. Once you know all that. It’s really easy to create a persona that makes someone think you’re a better match to end up with. It’s all a facade. It’s not like the olden days where people actually courted and got to know each-other. This has allowed for a lot.

We lie to ourselves….

We don’t want to admit we invested ourselves into someone who didn’t really see us as the full package. Due to this we turn a blind eye. Due to this we constantly compare our love life to others to pretend we have a good love life. We forget that people bluff, sometimes we don’t even realize we bluff ourselves. It becomes competitive to live up to this outward happiness instead of this inward contentment. We truly start to believe the images people post on social media are really how a relationship is behind closed doors. We start becoming insecure with our own relationships / marriages / etc… and we put extremly high and unreasonable expectations on our partners just for the approval of the environments we associate in. This can drain our partners into exhaustion because we aren’t communicating. We are demanding.

Why do we allow false senses of security to become our blanket for security? Why do men lie and why do women feel the need to tear each-other down just to keep a man? They even have websites like: She’s a homewrecker. It is crazy how far people will go just to look happy. This happens because we lack confidence and require reassurance. We feel the need to maintain an image ourselves.

 Women tend to cheat emotionally. Men tend to cheat sexually.

This sometimes leads to triangles where outsiders come into relationships feeling like saviours. A woman may have problems in her marriage and lean on a friends shoulders who she emotionally attaches to her situation. He then is given false hope that the woman’s husband doesn’t deserve her and he can save her. The wife always tends to pass him off as a really good friend. He may not cheat with her physically, but emotionally, he’s offered her a crying shoulder. She already has a new man to go to if a divorce should happen. Men have egos and love feeling like knights in shining armour.

Men tend to see a girl who needs attention and when a man is lacking attention in a marriage or a relationship. He is not going to go look for another wife. He is going to go look for a female who can provide him those missing ingredients. He will see that he can have his cake and eat it too, and start telling her whatever she wants to hear because he knows it works and gets him what he wants. He doesn’t want the commitment, but he does want the feeling of being wanted. The woman starts giving herself to the man and growing attached to him because she is falling for the main ingredient she wants in a man herself that he is often able to provide to her. She eventually feels sorry for him because she’s not dealing with the same stuff his girlfriend or wife is dealing with. She’s getting the knight in shining armour side of him he stopped giving to his wife or to his girlfriend. She doesn’t see the other side.

This leads to triangles….

Eventually…the relationships either becomes secretive or dramatic. Inward misery. Double lives. Everyone wants to come out the semaritan of the situation. The wife will say I gave you ten years of my life. The husband will say she is obsessed with me. The side girl will say she in love with the man or she will start to expose him. The side man will avoid drama at all costs or fight for the woman he loves. It just becomes one messy sticky situation where nobody ever really gets the full story and karma tends to be the long term result.

Love is not painful…

What a disaster! The story usually turns painful for all parties involved and outsiders try to help but make situations worse because they become clueless and end up choosing sides. The middle person is always in the most unfortunate position. This is when couples will often seek out counselling. Everyone starts looking for a happier ending either together or a part. Some couples will work through it, others will break up and go on with their lives.

Affairs happen because…

The reason affairs happen is because communication is unclear. Needs go unmet. Expectations become unrealistic.

The good news is…

There is always self-healing and a better ending. Sometimes you just gotta learn to love yourself enough to let go of something that is hurting you. It won’t always be easy, but sometimes that’s what you need to do to grow in yourself, and attract the love that is specifically designed for you.

Irene Mielke

Irene enjoys writing and inspiring everybody that she meets. She has wisdom for days when it comes to life. She loves to read and support others in becoming the best version of themselves. She also loves to go the gym and her favourite sport is soccer.