In your younger years you’re always looking for that fairy-tale, that once in a life-time, that soul-mate, that happily ever-after.
….and then he leaves you dry, leaves you hanging by a thread, leaves you heart broken, leaves you in tears.
You think your the rocks at the bottom, and you’ll never find a happy ending, and life will never get better. You get desperate and the first guy who gives you attention is the guy that you settle for. You signed up for this life, and you fight to keep it. You want validation you can keep a relationship. You want validation you can keep a marriage.
Pretty soon – the honeymoon phase is over. Even married, you’re back to square one. How did this happen? You question if he’s faithful to you. You question if you need marriage counseling. You question if you can save this marriage? He no longer disappears and ghosts you and you gotta fight for him to prove that you’re the one he should choose. Now he drifts away on vactions without you, and instead of fighting for him, you already know he chose you, so you’re yelling at him for cheating on you.
Quick Question: Why was this not a problem before you married him, but now it’s a problem because you married him?
The first thing to do is be honest with yourself. In dating you know that: “Most men aren’t going to give you closure, and that’s something as a woman you’ve gotta give yourself permission to do…move on without it!” You gave yourself that permission back then, but now that he’s your husband you can’t give yourself that permission. You thought you were smart back then when you won him from the other women he had his eyes on, but now that you have him. He only fed your ego. The real deal wasn’t a prize. You think you’ve become more mature, but instead you’re drowning in your own poor choices.
You wish you listened to all the women you thought were jealous of you, instead you cared more that they validated you even if you married him for the wrong reasons. Now here you are married to a man for one reason: “To Share Bills.” You’re aware the divorce rate is around 50% and that scares you. You wonder if he has a mistress. You can’t even trust your own friends around him. You spy on him. You do everything to turn him off. Now he is checking out. You’ve become his regret. He wants to feel alive again.
As much as I should take your marriage seriously. I don’t. You will come up with all types of reasons for why I don’t.
“Oh she wants my man.”
“Oh she’s jealous.”
“Oh she can’t find a man.”
No, I don’t take your marriage seriously for something much more simpler than that.
“People take you as seriously as you take yourself.”
You didn’t taking picking a husband seriously. So, it’s hard to take you seriously. Now your husband is straying. You’ve painted him out to be a villain, but you forget the part he’s sharing with the other women. The part where he met you. The part where you hurt your friend to have him. The part where you took him from his girlfriend to win the ring. Everyone reaps what they sow, and what you reaped was karma. You knew from day one you weren’t marrying into love, but you were marrying into a competition. Now you finally feel how you made her feel, and now you want the mistress to feel what you made another woman feel.
In general most people want what they can’t have. There was a time you wanted your husband because you couldn’t have him. Understand, that’s why he’s able to cheat because it’s the only love he’s comfortable with. The way you got him is the same way the mistress is able to get him. That’s why you hate her. She’s a reflection of who used to be. You still got the ring, and he might leave you, and she might get the ring too. This is what makes married men so attractive to women.
She only sees he treats you good because that’s what you show the public as your facade. Once upon a time you only saw that he treated the girlfriend good because that’s what she showed the public as a facade. You didn’t see her broken heart of how he was cheating on her with you. You didn’t see her broken heart of how she loved him so much but he was desperate for somebody to fix him. Well, now you’re the wife and you think he owes you something because he chose you. Your mad at the mistress because she doesn’t see that you deal with the bills, the pain, and the abuse. She’s out here getting the romance, the gifts, and the dates, everything that you think you deserve. In reality what you give out is what you get back. If you wanted that type of a husband. You probably should of been honest from day one about loyalty. But you spent years of your life putting those women down for your own pride.
Now your dragging your husband off to therapy trying to hide the marital affairs and convince yourself you can work together to heal what’s broken. In reality your trust for him will never be the same, and nor was it ever there to begin with. Only your pride was. I wish I could say I respect you for being his wife. I don’t respect you because you’re staying and helping a man hurt another woman the same way you hurt another woman to win him when your marriage started. I wish I could tell you I hope you get a divorce. I instead want to show you how patterns repeat themselves. It takes some people their whole lives to become that honest with themselves. So many people are broken not because their husband started cheating. They’re broken because they chose a man to fix so they don’t have to heal their own demons, and then their demons intertwined into a love affair and that’s why their marriages are toxic.
Now your husband wants out because he finally regrets his past and how he hurt other women with his marriage, and he’s either looking for the honeymoon version of you in everyone else, or he’s looking for the girl who got away. You get back in a mate the standards you put on yourself. You get back in a mate how honest you’re willing to be about yourself and your feelings with your mate. Sometimes you yourself are keeping the past around and making your husband feel insecure, other times you’re letting him control you just to prove that you love him. The one thing you’re not doing is being true to who you are yet you’re expecting him to figure it out when what you want is something different than what he wanted. Now you’re blaming it on miscommunication but if you didn’t marry him you’d be honest that it was a poor choice in a mate.
You now sit there envying the woman you once bullied for not being married all those years you spent in inner pain. Some day may you learn to:
LOVE enough to LET GO
Love enough to RESPECT.
Love enough to Appreciate.
In the end were all figuring our way out in this blessing / curse we called life. It is both a blessing and a curse because there are times of happiness and there are times of sadness. Sometimes were going to be up, and sometimes were going to be down. When were up…we should never be so high and almighty we forget what it’s like to be down. When were down…we should never be so negative that we burden people as if were not appreciating their efforts. Everything goes back to our attitudes in each circumstances. God can give and God can take. In the end….Stay Humble. We all reap what we sow.