Church Hurt At It’s Best
As the tears roll down my cheeks. I’m left with the broken heart of a misunderstood spirit. Sometimes you don’t know how big your heart really is until you have to sit back and say nothing while people brush you under the rug after you helped them. My heart is huge. I spend my entire life trying to push people to their full potential, give where I can, but sometimes I push people to their full potential who don’t deserve it. I hope my experience teaches you to focus on your own dreams and not somebody else’s.
Have you ever gone to church and everyone felt at home but you? Have you ever wanted to leave and nobody understood what you were going through? Well, that happened to me. I thought I was going to church to develop a closer relationship with GOD. My intentions were in the right place, but other peoples weren’t. I had felt bad experiences with previous pastors in this church I’m speaking on. The church finally got new pastors; a married pastoral team. I didn’t want to be disappointed again. I knew the position of power that they were in, and I decided to run all my ideas through them to make the church a better place for the community at large. I thought I was doing the right thing in my heart, but I watched them forget who they are in their process to success.
I wanted them to succeed so bad. I wanted to feel like I was part of something. I would write them all the time and I would give them ideas on how to create a better ministry and tell them what is really important for the church and the community. I sat back and watched them use all my ideas for their own agenda. I sat back and watched them let me mentor them. I knew what could be done through them. I just wasn’t in the position to do it. At the beginning it was fine. They were happy to include me in everything. Eventually, I watched their marriage fall a part half way through their ministry caught up in my vision. I became the focus point for all the failures in their marriage. It was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever felt.
I put boundaries up. I kept my integrity. I wondered what I created. I wondered how to get passed it without anybody failing. They were ready to quit but I wasn’t ready to let the people down. So… I took it upon myself to tell the LEAD PASTOR you have to keep on going. You can’t stop now. He was ready to quit. He had no idea how he would go on there were so many nay-sayers. I would tell him how many people put my ideas down in all the meetings but I know they work. He took it upon himself to take all my ideas and roll with them. I put so much of my spare time into these’s peoples dreams who have no clue it was me telling the pastor how to make it happen. They think it was his wife and she thinks GOD just made the impossible possible. The truth is: I read a lot of books. I’ve been around a lot of people. I was in a place I could finally put all the stuff I had learned to use and when everybody doubted me. I went to the person I knew was in charge.
As my ideas started paying off. The church started to grow. People were coming to a place they could call home. I thought I was in a place where I belonged. I thought I had a sense of security here. I thought I had a sense of family. As the church grew……..I noticed that peoples integrity fell short. I didn’t know if I should stay in this church anymore or if it was even a good influence on me. I spoke up and I said the environment is becoming toxic. I need to leave. They finally got everything they wanted, and I finally felt like I didn’t belong. It was a repeat of the past. I slowly watched them lose themselves as people into this definition of: SUCCESS. I’m not so sure I’d call it: SUCCESS.
They finally fixed their marriage and turned on me. I didn’t do anything to deserve that. Actually all my ideas I ran through the pastor were so great that everyone decided they should now lead FAMILY MINISTRIES for the whole conference. I sit here watching them take credit for all my ideas. I sit here with tears and all my hard work gone to waste to mentor people who aren’t even grateful. I sit here watching SUCCESS right in front of me and for everybody else it’s a smile. For me it’s another material gain. It’s another scar to add to my story. It feels like another failure. I was pleasing people who don’t even like me instead of focusing on my own goals. They call that faith. I call it GOD working in MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
I’m not sure why I was able to see what others couldn’t. I’m only sure that they’re leaving and I’m still here. I wonder to myself if the bible is accurate? Is this how JESUS felt on the cross? If I’m capable of that then what else am I capable of? Have you ever gone through that on your journey to success? You help people up who brush you beneath the rug? I think all successful people go through it because if you didn’t see you could help somebody else who didn’t deserve it – you wouldn’t know that you were capable of it yourself. It might be a failure in some ways, but in other ways it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson to focus on your own dreams because in 20 years you won’t be around the same people you’re around today. Every day we need to be growing so that in 20 years were proud of who we become. Sometimes church isn’t defined by a building. It’s defined by your heart.