I tried so hard to put the “Christ” in Christmas this year. I started this month out feeling ecstatic. I was on an extremely positive note. I was in a very meditative state. I even read a book on meditation. I read a few self-help books on life-education. I wanted to be more like Oprah. I look up to that woman so much. She is so empowering. She is such an inspiration because she has accomplished so much. I think anyone would be honoured to meet her. I never actually met her, but I dream of it all the time. I used to watch her talk-show when I was younger every day for years.
I wanted to be like her and let the LOVE of GOD shine right through me in my attitude. I wanted to be a blessing, and to be blessed. It’s good to give, but you should never be proud to receive. It goes both ways. I wanted to make my environments so joyful. I was in such a place of contentment and happiness. I was filled with gratitude. I saw only the sun.
I didn’t really feel the tears coming, because I didn’t prepare for the storm. I learned that we truly create our environments and our auras by the things we put into our minds. We have the ability to “SPEAK LIFE” into existence. I just wanted to “SPEAK LOVE” into existence. I looked forwards to the family dinners, the holiday parties, decorating the tree. I looked forward to leaving the love of Jesus in the hearts of everyone I came across. I had an amazing month. It was amazing. It was so amazing I thought I could go backwards.
I thought I could forgive the people who hurt me this year so we could go into 2018 on a fresh page. I went back to fix it and they did not like my happiness. I realized that misery loves company and some people truly only ever like to see us in anguish. I couldn’t rest with that – I fought and I fought and I fought to make peace with people who don’t want to make peace with me.
My happiness suddenly turned to sorrows. I started crying about it. I asked myself why am I crying over people who have no respect for me? It’s so hard to accept sometimes that peoples time in our life is over even when we held them so dear. I’ve been having trouble letting go of them because we all used to be so close. I have some type of faith that any chapter can be fixed.
The truth is I decided to go a different path and they want me to stay on their path, and I don’t want to. I have one – one life. We all have one life. I have trouble accepting that some people don’t know how to be friends with you when you start growing in yourself and who you really are. They’re so used to you being under them. I’m going through a process right now. A process of change. We all go through it but it doesn’t make it easier. I didn’t have a lover but my heart is broken. It’s broken by friendships that feel like break-ups.
The one thing I wanted for Christmas was to believe that we would go into 2018 still friends. My heart is too big for my own good. I have my cell-phone on my lap. I have the song: “Last Christmas,” playing on repeat in it. It doesn’t really have meaning to me this Christmas. I am sure I will play it next Christmas and remember this break-up of friendship. I respected those people so much and we separated over misunderstandings, and differences in beliefs. It could all be solved with compassion and dialogue. I can’t keep giving my 100 to people only willing to give me zero. I do not understand why people prefer to have power over us rather than grace over us.
When all is said and done. I have to turn the page. New leaf. New day. I have to accept the space that’s been created distracting me for so long from my productivity level. As much as I don’t see it as a gift right now. I know in my heart that it is because it’s a gift that helps you focus on your dreams.
So I’ll keep that “Christ” in Christmas and I’ll pray my way through it.