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Happy Father’s Day

As father’s day comes around the corner. It is time to wish everybody a Happy Father’s Day whether you see your children or don’t see them. I think there are a lot of fathers who want to be there but they’re scared to be there because they don’t have a good relationship with the child’s mother. I know you’re still thinking about your child/children this weekend. Mother’s day always gets a lot of attention. Father’s day doesn’t get enough attention. The church I used to attend always has a father’s day walk and a picnic in the park and that was one of the things I always appreciated about it.

The day doesn’t give you a choice other than to do reflection. You might be reflecting your mistakes that got you in this place where you’re an absent father and missing your children trying not to think about it. You might be reading the cards your children made you that say: “Happy Father’s Day.” Either way try to give your child a phone call because there are so many children out there who would give anything just to give their father’s a happy fathers day card if their father would just simply call them.

I don’t care how many messes were made in the past because by DNA you’ll always be the father of your child. It’s up to you to be the bigger person and to be patient. Put your pride down and your love for your child up. I’ll keep you men in my prayers today that someday life works out for you. I know fathers day is a hard one for so many males today. If you’re a mother understand a mans fears and try to see past him into his tears.

I’m wishing you men a Happy Father’s day because every child wants to know their biological father at the end of the day. Some children just grow up and lose sight of the dream simply because they feel like you gave up on them. Never give up trying to be a good role-model to your child/children no matter the circumstances that you sometimes feel you’re put in by your child/children’s mother. As long as you try. That’s all that matters.

I can’t imagine never knowing my father. My mother went for a check-up at the hospital today and when she was done she told me: “They found something growing in my neck that they have to check out. The think it’s cancer growing again.”

My mom first got diagnosed with lyphoma cancer around Mother’s Day a few years a go. She went through blood transfusions, radiation, and chemo treatments. She even lost all of her hair and resorted to wigs for a while.

I remember it being Father’s Day and I didn’t get to see my father that year because he was in the hospital at my Mother’s side supporting her through all of her treatments. She was in the hospital for quite a while. All I can tell you father’s who struggle to get a long with your child’s mothers is that my father stood by my mom through cancer.

May his example in my life be an example to you to try to make it right.

Dear Father,

I don’t know how you did it being blind, raising my siblings and I. I know we didn’t always make your life easy. I know you always act tough. You taught me to put God first in everything. I know I didn’t always turn out to be the little girl you raised. I remember as a little girl you brought us to church every Sunday. You always made sure we were there early and went to both services. You always reserved the second row of pews so that we would be able to get the full message.

I remember how you would read us bible stories at bed time instead of fairy-tales. You wanted us to have morals instilled. You wanted us to appreciate the simple things. You always tried your best to raise up christian children who carried Jesus with us into adulthood so that we would live a lifestyle of morality. You prayed for us always that we would put God first in everything.

I know some of us aren’t Christian anymore. I know some of us have strayed so far from the way you raised us. I know it’s caused you disappointment over the years. I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of the father you’ve been because you’ve always tried to do your best.

There has been ups and downs. It has taken us years to understand how difficult our mothers childhood was as she was part of the 60’s scoop. All you ever did was try to give her the fairytale she never had and we were her gifts.

You’re a selfless man. You’re a selfless husband to our mother. You chose a path that few would and showed / role-modeled uncoditional love to our mother and every day you fought to make it work so that we’d never come from a broken home.

You role-modelled devotion and you role-modelled loyalty. You set the bar so high for me and my sisters when it comes to picking a future husband for ourselves. I could never imagine a different life than the one I have. The family we were born into is unique and that’s okay. Family is the greatest blessing and God chooses the family we are born into. Family is a gift.

You always put us first before anything no matter what even though you had a 9/5 job. You worked every day to provide. I’m not strong today because of me. I’m strong because I had parents who were strong for me. I remember when I was in grade 8 and I was horrible at math. You would help me with my home-work for two hours until I got it. I remember how proud I was when I learned algebra. You did everything you had to to always keep a roof over our heads. I see all the sacrifices you made for us.

I want you to know that you’re my daddy. May I be the daughter you raised up. May I never lose my good heart. May I have as much unconditional love for my future husband as you always had for my mom.

You’re an over protective father at times and because of you I’ve learned to be an over protective big sister. You raised us to be humble people who look out for eachother. I’m sorry for all the times I let you down as a daughter. All the pain I once caused you in my rebellious days that I had to grow up myself to understand. You see the best in all of your children. I hope I can always make my relationship with GOD strong. I hope I can always make you proud.

Love,

Your daughter.

Happy Father’s Day.

Happy Father’s day to all the men out there who are great fathers to their children. Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there stepping up being a step father to those who don’t have a father. Happy Father’s day to all the adoptive fathers and Foster fathers. This day is for all of you. It’s not always the easist thing to do but every day you men take on those roles and some of you aren’t appreciated enough. Happy Father’s day to the grandfathers. I respect any man who steps up. A father isn’t always a father by DNA. Sometimes it’s the person who has been there sinc day one and loves the child regardless of a DNA test or whatever the situation. If that man is you. Happy Fathers Day!

Betrayal

 

In life every time I leave a place to find healing. It seems like my closest friends in the place feel abandoned by my departure. They act like they lost somebody precious. They act like I’m the reason for their conflict and that’s why I left. They just want power over me. They just want to control me. They will manipulate me and do vindictive things to me until I play their game. I’m a little bit emotional. Emotional people are often misunderstood. I have a good heart and I try to hold unto friendships longer than I should, and it just makes me look bad. I run backwards to the mess I think I can fix, instead of forwards to my purpose where my calling is. I constantly put myself in zones of world war three. I hate the drama but it always seems to love finding me. It’s like I can’t even vent because everything I vent will be taken as if it was towards them, and then I’ll be questioned about it. I’m overly sensitive. It’s hard to cope in a world full of guilty consciences often using me as their punching bags to deny their inner pain.

I just want to be a good person. I just want to be at peace with everybody. It’s hard for me to accept that not everybody is as kind as they seem. They look like roses on the outside, and I just wanna see the roses. I can’t see the thorns. I can’t accept so many people use my name to put their dirt on. I think people are so used to me being so outwardly strong. I don’t even think they know how much they make me cry myself to sleep sometimes. I don’t cry in front of them. I hold my pain in because I’m guarded. Why can’t they see that I too am just human? I’m so tired of being preyed on. I’m so tired of being treated like a cartoon character. All my positive thinking turning into storms I have to conquer.

I often open up to the worst people. I give them what they want. My insecurities. My vulnerabilities. I never see it coming the day they are used against me as if I’m a checker board. Sometimes I’m used to it. Sometimes I’m numb to it. Sometimes the tears roll out of my eyes and down to my cheeks. I try to dry them, but they just keep coming. Situations I never had control over. Why do I always attract such controlling people? What is wrong with me that I attract that?

You know those people: “My way or the highway.”

You know those people: “Protect my lies, or I’ll destroy your life.”

I think sometimes I try to see the best in the worst people. I think sometimes I get blinded by the charm and the popularity that someone has. I want them to like me, but I don’t like the feeling of disloyal. I think I know what a narcissist is but I never seem to know how to dodge one. I’m so empathetic. I think I can fix them.

My empathy runs so deep. I can’t even see the danger sometimes. The poison that I’m allowing into my life. Toxic people. People who will use my kindness for weakness. People are so used to me always being there, and then one day I can’t take it anymore. I move forwards. The day I move forwards they strike me the hardest. I’m tired of defending myself sometimes. I don’t want to compromise myself either to just give into a agenda or a false sense of confidence. I fight my way through it hoping the storm will pass, and in the storm the plot of revenge is always plotted against me. It’s like I’m supposed to just give in and play the games. The messes. The misery. The cycles I have to constantly grow through. I could be so outspoken and so guarded. I could be so self-cautious and so self defensive. I’m not sure sometimes if I’m blessed or I’m cursed.

Last time I found myself in this situation. I walked into a church thinking I was finding healing for my problems. I thought I was in safe surroundings. I was in a place where I thought love was and that we were all a family. I never knew I was just the black sheep of the family. I started lowering my guard. I started opening up to leaders. I started getting involved, thinking I was doing God’s work. I think I got way too involved.

I became a threat to the first lady. I’m not sure if it was my nice dresses. The way I did my make-up. The way I tried to make everyone feel like a family. My kindness was a little too much for her. She started treating me like her husbands mistress. The trust that took me forever to build was taken away from me in split seconds. The healing that took me years to find was stolen from me in split seconds. It’s the price of beauty. It’s the price of kindness.

Sometimes I think I unintentionally became a home-wrecker. I was rejected, isolated, alone. I had nobody I could turn to because everybody saw the leaders as if they were godlike creatures. I had to battle with insomnia, anxiety, and depression all by myself. It was the hardest thing. My kindness faded into resentment, and my resentment into church hurt. False accusations thrown all over the place against me. Shunned by the members who worshipped the leaders. Stripped of my dignity. Stripped of my reputation. How do you climb up from that when you’re in that world ; a world you’re supposed to trust? Not one single person to defend me.

I turned to the pastor thinking the pastor was my friend not realizing your enemies are closer than you think. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried some more and nobody understood what I was going through. It was painful, traumatic, upsetting. I tried to journal my way through it. My journals turned into never ending emails. I was destroying my future fighting for a friendship willing to sacrifice everything. I tried to express myself to the people who hurt me only for them to not look in a mirror and constantly put their flaws on me. I never saw it coming the day the situation escalated. I thought you could trust people in a church environment. I failed to realize they’re so used to being on a platform. They’re not used to being reminded their just human and they hurt people. It was like two alphas in a room and we were getting nowhere. A friendship gone. A friendship ended. Hurt. Betrayed. I walked around more guarded than before. Even if I told people my side. I was so afraid I’d never be believed. So I took the blame, and I gave in but I left. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to leave. I was supposed to stay and get more hurt.

I know how it feels to be treated like a mistress when you never even were one. I know how it feels to be destroyed for trying to be a good person. It’s the hardest thing in the world to heal from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up from. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get up and feel worthy again when you trusted people who found a way to break you and make you feel worthless. I know we all go through this. We all handle it differently. None of us are ever prepared for betrayal, and broken hearts from people we thought were there to protect us. We gotta learn to get up and accept that life is full of obstacles to make us stronger. Betrayal from people we truly trusted is one of those obstacles.

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