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Cancer Awareness

Many schools around Canada just finished participating in a #TerryFoxRun to raise money for “Cancer Research.” I remember doing the run when I was a child, and I’m completely glad that it has still continued.

For a young man such as Terry Fox to have struggled with cancer so early on, to end up with an amputated leg, and to decide to make a run across Canada to raise money on behalf of others made such an empowering statement.

I once knew a man with an amputated leg…he also passed at a young age just as Terry Fox did.   For the last 8 year’s I watched my mom suffer from cancer. The cancer she had was lymphoma.

My hair is so long, and my mom told me I could donate it to cancer to make a wig for other cancer patients. I know how much wigs were a part of my mother’s life during her cancer treatments.

I never actually donated my hair before, but it is something I have always wanted to do and I looked it up and found out there is all kinds of rules around it. For example: It has to be a certain length. It can’t be dyed or permed. I’m seriously considering it.

Now that my mom is passed on. I still have my hair and it’s still extremely long. I want to cut it, and style it, but the one thing that’s stopping me is making sure it’s exactly right for donating. I guess charity work is becoming a huge part of my life. It’s something that helps me keep my moms spirit alive within me.

Happy Father’s Day

As father’s day comes around the corner. It is time to wish everybody a Happy Father’s Day whether you see your children or don’t see them. I think there are a lot of fathers who want to be there but they’re scared to be there because they don’t have a good relationship with the child’s mother. I know you’re still thinking about your child/children this weekend. Mother’s day always gets a lot of attention. Father’s day doesn’t get enough attention. The church I used to attend always has a father’s day walk and a picnic in the park and that was one of the things I always appreciated about it.

The day doesn’t give you a choice other than to do reflection. You might be reflecting your mistakes that got you in this place where you’re an absent father and missing your children trying not to think about it. You might be reading the cards your children made you that say: “Happy Father’s Day.” Either way try to give your child a phone call because there are so many children out there who would give anything just to give their father’s a happy fathers day card if their father would just simply call them.

I don’t care how many messes were made in the past because by DNA you’ll always be the father of your child. It’s up to you to be the bigger person and to be patient. Put your pride down and your love for your child up. I’ll keep you men in my prayers today that someday life works out for you. I know fathers day is a hard one for so many males today. If you’re a mother understand a mans fears and try to see past him into his tears.

I’m wishing you men a Happy Father’s day because every child wants to know their biological father at the end of the day. Some children just grow up and lose sight of the dream simply because they feel like you gave up on them. Never give up trying to be a good role-model to your child/children no matter the circumstances that you sometimes feel you’re put in by your child/children’s mother. As long as you try. That’s all that matters.

I can’t imagine never knowing my father. My mother went for a check-up at the hospital today and when she was done she told me: “They found something growing in my neck that they have to check out. The think it’s cancer growing again.”

My mom first got diagnosed with lyphoma cancer around Mother’s Day a few years a go. She went through blood transfusions, radiation, and chemo treatments. She even lost all of her hair and resorted to wigs for a while.

I remember it being Father’s Day and I didn’t get to see my father that year because he was in the hospital at my Mother’s side supporting her through all of her treatments. She was in the hospital for quite a while. All I can tell you father’s who struggle to get a long with your child’s mothers is that my father stood by my mom through cancer.

May his example in my life be an example to you to try to make it right.

Dear Father,

I don’t know how you did it being blind, raising my siblings and I. I know we didn’t always make your life easy. I know you always act tough. You taught me to put God first in everything. I know I didn’t always turn out to be the little girl you raised. I remember as a little girl you brought us to church every Sunday. You always made sure we were there early and went to both services. You always reserved the second row of pews so that we would be able to get the full message.

I remember how you would read us bible stories at bed time instead of fairy-tales. You wanted us to have morals instilled. You wanted us to appreciate the simple things. You always tried your best to raise up christian children who carried Jesus with us into adulthood so that we would live a lifestyle of morality. You prayed for us always that we would put God first in everything.

I know some of us aren’t Christian anymore. I know some of us have strayed so far from the way you raised us. I know it’s caused you disappointment over the years. I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of the father you’ve been because you’ve always tried to do your best.

There has been ups and downs. It has taken us years to understand how difficult our mothers childhood was as she was part of the 60’s scoop. All you ever did was try to give her the fairytale she never had and we were her gifts.

You’re a selfless man. You’re a selfless husband to our mother. You chose a path that few would and showed / role-modeled uncoditional love to our mother and every day you fought to make it work so that we’d never come from a broken home.

You role-modelled devotion and you role-modelled loyalty. You set the bar so high for me and my sisters when it comes to picking a future husband for ourselves. I could never imagine a different life than the one I have. The family we were born into is unique and that’s okay. Family is the greatest blessing and God chooses the family we are born into. Family is a gift.

You always put us first before anything no matter what even though you had a 9/5 job. You worked every day to provide. I’m not strong today because of me. I’m strong because I had parents who were strong for me. I remember when I was in grade 8 and I was horrible at math. You would help me with my home-work for two hours until I got it. I remember how proud I was when I learned algebra. You did everything you had to to always keep a roof over our heads. I see all the sacrifices you made for us.

I want you to know that you’re my daddy. May I be the daughter you raised up. May I never lose my good heart. May I have as much unconditional love for my future husband as you always had for my mom.

You’re an over protective father at times and because of you I’ve learned to be an over protective big sister. You raised us to be humble people who look out for eachother. I’m sorry for all the times I let you down as a daughter. All the pain I once caused you in my rebellious days that I had to grow up myself to understand. You see the best in all of your children. I hope I can always make my relationship with GOD strong. I hope I can always make you proud.

Love,

Your daughter.

Happy Father’s Day.

Happy Father’s day to all the men out there who are great fathers to their children. Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there stepping up being a step father to those who don’t have a father. Happy Father’s day to all the adoptive fathers and Foster fathers. This day is for all of you. It’s not always the easist thing to do but every day you men take on those roles and some of you aren’t appreciated enough. Happy Father’s day to the grandfathers. I respect any man who steps up. A father isn’t always a father by DNA. Sometimes it’s the person who has been there sinc day one and loves the child regardless of a DNA test or whatever the situation. If that man is you. Happy Fathers Day!

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Be Grateful

Does anybody ever get a happy ending? Does anybody ever kiss the right frog? Do moments really never happen or only happen once in a life-time? I day dream a lot. I used to day dream and get negative results because I’d never do anything with my day-dreams. I think day-dreaming is just ideas that you haven’t found a way to put together into a goal.

I’ve had the most amazing birthday month I could ever ask for in a million years. I never dreamed of moments like these. I think so many times we focus on taking pictures – we forget to just enjoy the moments. I now understand why people hold events and hire photographers. It’s the memories we’ll look back on in the long-run.

This year so many people made me realize that I’m loved beyond measure. I was overwhelmed by the love that poured into me from everyone. I threw a party for my birthday trying to reconnect with the past, and build a home for those in my present. I realized some people show up and some people don’t. Some people just put you in their past and some people miss you and return like they were just waiting for an invite.

I was a little bit offended by the people who didn’t come without a logical reason. I was wondering why they’re even still in my life – even if at a distance? It felt like fake friendship. I want true friendships – meaningful friendships. Friendships that blossom into forever friendships. I read each and every last birthday message sent to me this month. Tears in my eyes. Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Tears of days I was hopeless. Tears of where I am today becoming hopeful.

There were people I haven’t seen in years who showed up. One woman who showed up I hadn’t seen her in ten years. I realize that when the friendship is true – there is no amount of time that can break it. There is always a new day to rebuild a friendship on a new day. I was so glad to be on the path to reconciliation with so many who probably thought I had forgotten them.  Sometimes people don’t reach out to us because we don’t reach out to them.

This birthday was a magical one for me filled with everything I love and the people I cared about most were there to share it with me. I cried reading everybodies cards because sometimes a girl doesn’t know how loved she is. I realized how loved I was. There are times we need to know that were loved more than people think we do. I noticed a lot of butterflies on the cards that were given to me. None of those people had any idea what a butterfly meant to me. It means I’m branching out from being a caterpillar which I feel I’ve been for so many years.

I was spoiled and surprised. I just invited people and they showed me what I meant to them and I had no idea. I was so overwhelmed – I didn’t even open my gifts until the day after my party. I must tell you it felt like I should be opening wedding gifts on a wedding day. I had people call my phone and sing to me. That never happened to me before. It was the simple gifts like that that meant the most to me.

The church I go to even sang happy birthday to me and the other May baby that was there. I wasn’t in the sanctuary when they did but they were all so loud I heard it. I never had anybody do that for me before either except when I was a child in elementary school. They made me stand on a chair and sang to me. It was so embarrassing. I’m so glad I didn’t have to do that again.

I met somebody interesting and he seems like a prince charming. He literally saves me time and time again. He has no clue how much I need his saving. I’m always so strong on the outside. I’m always like: “How’s this gonna work out?” I just look into his eyes, and it all works out. Actually, sometimes I don’t even look into his eyes because I don’t want him to know how much I adore him. I’m a little scared of getting hurt. As women we give our hearts to men to ofast and sometimes we don’t give our hearts fast enough. He has no idea how amazing I think he is. He’s more than a tenfold of a blessing – the best person I’ve ever known. I don’t say that lightly.

That was my birthday this year. This was like one of the happiest birthday months of my life. Born in May. Flowers so eloquent. Positive thinking.

I just have one last thing to say…

I forgive the people in my past who hurt me. I just hope they all find courage to forgive themselves. I also learned when times were tough – they weren’t true friends. I rather not look down on them or frown upon them.

You see they tried to weaken me but in the end they strengthened me. They gave me courage and strength to stand alone. They taught me it’s okay to not fit in. They left me with open spaces to pursue my goals and I’m pursuing them. I think there is a perfect timing for everything.

If they had not hurt me. I’d be distracted in the wrong crowds. Instead they showed me their true colours so I could move on to the right crowds and create a brighter day. I now understand what a brighter tomorrow means.

Pain does two things to us depending on our attitude in each circumstance. It either breaks us down or it builds us up. It’s all about how we choose to heal it. I think when we heal things the correct things. The unexpected starts happening. The impossible starts becoming possible. It all starts with what we tell ourselves. Most of the times we tell ourselves it’s just a daydream. Maybe – just maybe – it’s actually a goal.

We let the naysayers in. We forget to realize it’s what makes us happy to do the one thing everybody said we can’t. Don’t wait for someone to tell you where to start. Just start.

Why I’m Single

I’m tired of explaining to people why I’m single. I’m single because I had a poor taste in men. I chose men I thought I could fix rather than men who were right for me. I wasn’t confident in myself yet. I was selfish and I didn’t know how to forgive. I thought about myself and not about the fact that it was my decision to date broken men. I dated men who broke me down with them. I take full responsibility for my choices. It takes two to tango.

I am single because I continued on in those destructive patterns until I turned my life back to God. I am no longer in a place of hurt, resentment, or frustration towards the past I can’t change.

I’m more in a place of forgiveness and compassion because I understand how much God has intervened in my life, and how much people in my past still need him to intervene in theirs. I feel that I often wanted to live Godly with Ungodly men, and it never worked out. In the end I would compromise myself, and they would not understand me. We’d clash until we’d break up. It took forgiving myself for my choices to forgive those who hurt me in them. In the end – I made those choices.

I made a choice to love men I knew weren’t ready for love. I made the choice to set a bad example of what love is to those who look up to me and follow me. I failed so many people with my choices in my past. I still rather get up from my falls in life humbly.

I also failed myself.

Today, I’m single because I learned what LOVE is, and I don’t covet anybody else’s definition of love. I understand that we all have our own authentic story to find, to hold, and to blossom. It’s up to GOD who I end up with.

I’m single because I have other priorities and the best form of healing is not looking for love but looking for yourself and who you’re in GOD. I truly believe that when were obedient to GOD first. He comes to bless us with his promises we never saw coming. Looking for love can sometimes just be lust. However, when you do the right things to be loyal to yourself well you’re single – you eventually attract into your life exactly what you are.

We often settle in love because we won’t change ourselves. I learned that and I changed that in myself. If you attract the wrong type of love to you – there is something in you that’s attracting it. I learned that LOVE isn’t the end goal.

We often fall in love with the idea of a person or the idea of love. We forget to fall in love with the person as a whole. We forget to comprehend love as a whole.

Love is an ingredient that GOD decides to give us when he decides were ready for it. Before GOD gives us a YES… we need to learn to accept his NO.

I would rather be with a husband I can allow to feel special than be with a husband who wonders constantly if I’m still in love with my ex. Once I realized that – it became so important to me to learn how to self-love. You can’t give in love love that you haven’t already given to yourself. Broken people break each-other into destructive love patterns.

I’m single because I believe that marriage is truly sacred, and I don’t want to experiment with it for a piece of paper that means nothing except for in Facebook pictures to look like a power couple. I want love that’s real and true.

Patience is a virtue. Blessings come to those who wait!

There are many good people that I might find myself attracted to. Just because somebody appears good doesn’t mean they’re good for me. We can make all the lists in the world on what a good man or a good woman is. In the end it has to fit with who we are and the goals we have in our future.

In the end our mind and heart will still go to war and one of them will always win out. I hope that I end up married to a man my father taught me to look for because the values that are instilled into us are the ones we should carry because our parents always want what’s best for us.

Happy Teacher’s Appreciation Week

In the USA / Canada. This week we celebrate Teacher’s Appreciation Week. What did you do to thank a teacher this week? They’re so patient, dedicated, devoted, and hard working.

I don’t know what I would of done without my teachers growing up. I had my first teacher when I was a toddler. My parents took me to church for Sunday School. I don’t remember her name. I just remember I loved being in her class. My parents also used to send me to this program called AWANA. I had a whole bunch of teachers there who helped me memorize the bible and taught me to put GOD first in my life.

I grew up and volunteered in things like Vacation Bible School. It is one of the most rewarding experiences because you’re helping create the leaders of tomorrow. I’m far from a teacher, but it’s always rewarding to know that the children that were in your class still refer to you as their teacher even if it was only for one week. Those experiences have made me appreciate teachers that much more.

Now let’s talk about the teachers that spend long days at work. The ones who taught us to write and to read. The ones who shaped our beginnings. They get up early just to go to work with a class of students, only to go home and still have to do marking. When do they ever get a break?

I remember pretty much all my teachers from kindergarten straight through to grade 12. Each one left a different mark. Some were overly nice and others were overly strict. In the end they all wanted to see me succeed.

I remember how many of them often praised my writing over the years. Those were in the years I didn’t even think I was a good writer. If not for all their commentary – I don’t think I would love writing as much as I do today.

Whatever you’re doing this week. If you come across a teacher. Make sure to thank them. They’re so devoted to the future generations. They help create the success of tomorrow. They need to be praised every now and then to remind them that we appreciate them because they make so many sacrifices.

What Is Love?

“Sometimes you have to be cold to be honest in order to stay firm in your morals. People might not always like the harsh truth, but I wouldn’t be true to myself and to others if I just kept watching without speaking up. It’s called sincerity.

You have to look out for those who you see as family. Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they hate you. My father always told me: “If you know you meant well in your heart. God will take care of the rest. You just make sure you do your part. The truth will reveal itself in time.” 

That was a note I wrote in my journal after a bad break up with a man I spent much time with.

I woke up this morning and I asked myself a question we all ponder from time to time. I asked myself: “What is Love?” Is it what we see in the movies? It is the advice of our parents? Is it how we feel when were with somebody special? I like to create myself this illusion that TRUE LOVE is when you can spend 100 years together like the song: “Hundred More Years,” by singer and songwriter Francesca Battistelli. This is a song that melts my heart and makes me believe in happy endings.

These days I more or less listen to Ed Sheeran and his song “Perfect,” as well as his song “Thinking Out Loud.” I think of meeting my husband well we dance to it at our wedding for our first dance. Oh how it lights up my heart with false hope, but it keeps me hopeful for a happy ending. Artists are truly a gift to us creating fantasy in our empty and broken hearts that we long to share with somebody but sometimes fear takes over and so do other peoples opinions.

People say: “Look at that couple over there. They got it so right.” Behind closed doors that couple fights every day. People say: “Love is to be to be like that couple.” The couple they look at in admiration secretly wishes they never got married. They’re just playing a role manipulating and controlling people and their partners to save the image. People say: “I want that love.” They turn a blind eye to the fact that that love is a facade. A facade to keep power, status, friendship, and careers. It’s a love ruled by ego. It’s a love ruled by pride.

People say LOVE is a place to search for happiness, and some type of fairy-tale ending. People say love is a place to put your guard up. They often create a list of a soul-mate that is unattainable. People say that LOVE is to control your partner and to demand perfection. They often just want to tell their friends / family how perfect you are meanwhile behind closed doors they’re crying so many tears because they can’t add up to you or their ideal list.

People say LOVE is to deserve MR. and Mrs. right – whatever is that? People say love is to find a connection, and somebody that you’re compatible with. They say that you must go on a romantic date and all the stars must align sort of similar to astrology. People say that love is those butterflies you feel in your stomach that offer intense feelings. People say that love is sex to show loyalty and that that’s the only person you’re with because you desire them.

These same people never ever even discusses the future. They just lived in the present, and then the future changed. People chase all types of love languages, and always leave more empty than before. Often times people stay in inward misery playing a role for a marriage just to get praise from others, meanwhile feeling negatively about themselves and making their partners feel negative about themselves.

They even say that love is lying just to protect your partners feelings by speaking only positive things to your spouse or significant other but avoiding true honesty and true intimacy. Every single day we wake up this is the love the world wants us to live up to and find. This is the love were taught to change through things like social media and magazines. It’s almost like they teach women it’s important to be skinny or to have a big booty because those are the models that are put on covers to show beauty. Anything else – we are made to believe that something is wrong with us. Were targeted and body shamed.

When we have standards and want authentic love ; were put down. Were called everything that were not and our vulnerabilities are preyed upon. Our past is brought up. Our flaws are no longer hidden. They’re out in the open and were made to believe that were not lovable and nobody would ever want us.

I could take all those bricks that have been thrown at me over the years. I could take all that advice that I never found genuine too. I could cry me a river. I could play me a victim card. I could settle and do what they tell me to do with my heart. I choose instead to search to GOD for all the answers to life’s mystery and find my own philosophy. I choose to take the hurt, the heartache, the betrayal, and the rejection. It strengthens me into becoming the best version of myself. It is all of this facing of my own demons and conquering them that gives me strength to overcome, to stand-still, and to heal.

When you know and understand that there is a higher power who looks out for you. You don’t need to do like everybody else – not even everybody else in the church. If something doesn’t feel right to me and my conscience. I know it’s not from GOD, and I let it go – so what is LOVE?

To many I’m not qualified to answer such a question due to their perceptions on how they want to live their life. I haven given enough logical reasons why I think they’re not qualified to answer the question despite the fact they often hide behind miserable marriages for years faking happiness that makes them look like they are qualified. To me wanting to live their life is misery too. Misery loves company because it supports poor choices that people have settled in and want to be accepted for. Dare to DREAM BIGGER? Dare to WANT MORE?

The bible definition of love says that Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is LONG-SUFFERING. Love keeps no record of wrongs. You can find the rest in 1 Corinthians 13. I think we all know that verse whether we are christian or not. It is the verse that shows us how Jesus loved us that we desire to live up to but can’t. Jesus is God ; therefore he is perfect. We are only human, and imperfect. I don’t think any of us can ever live up to this standard of love. Were emotional. We have bad experiences in our lives. We’ve all made mistakes. We all need forgiveness. So what’s love?

I ask myself that all the time because I hear all the definitions of others, but they pretty much use the word and throw it around. They throw it around to pretend to be loyal, and to create broken hearts not just to others, but also to themselves. They often lead each-other down heart-breaking paths.

Paths where lies are what begin to keep them together, and then one day they catch each-other and wonder what happened. Fights, quarrels, and escalated circumstances. In reality things went wrong since day one due to polished up pretty paintings. Never the truth. The fights often go like this: ” You cheated on me.” or “You lied to me.” Sex is often in place so it’s easy to know their partners weaknesses enough to turn each story into some white lie version of a story that’s believable. Again in the name of protecting their partners feelings to keep the spark seeming real. I have seen even praised pastors live double lives in all the years I’ve spent in churches. Sad truth. Somehow we look up to these things as love and covet them.

For the answer to what love is – I have no answer. Only lessons learnt in heartache. Lessons taught in betrayal. Lessons taught through resentment. Lesson taught through forgiveness.  The 20 year old me would tell you all those things I mentioned were love. The 20 year old me would fight to save every last marriage in the name of the fairy-tale so that I could believe in the magic of the false personas.

The me now has seen so much of reality. I’m so over it – so over the bullshit. Reality ain’t beautiful. Love is what you make it. Love is how you see yourself. That’s my philosophy. The man or the woman you’re on the inside is always going to shine through on the outside. If you see love for the superficial things such as other peoples outside pictures – you will attract the same superficial love that you’re attracted to. It’s a nice painting on the outside. When it’s you and your lover – it’s one ugly story behind closed doors.

In the end were all like magnets, and we attract back to ourselves exactly what we are. Like attracts to like. If you’re attracting those things that create hurt cycles and heartache – there is something inside of you that you need to heal that makes you feel unworthy of the love you feel you deserve. That’s why even though you find a project in a man or a woman to fix – you’re unable to fix them because the person you haven’t began to fix is yourself.

You can’t change anybody else. You can only fix yourself and fix your attractions to find the right love for you. That’s the harsh reality of why so many are broken and do not find a happy ending in love. Yes, even those who are married with spouses they lack communication skills with and try out counselling multiple times that never seems to fix anything and eventually the counselor says: “Get Divorced. Be happy.”

There’s a reason I take my time because I saw all the pride in my elders. I observed beneath the surface before I ever even dared look at the surface. Many times I was hated for being true to myself, made up, and all the rest. I still stayed true to myself anyway.

Last but not least. If I were to give you my final conclusion on Love. I would tell you that LOVE is to be yourself because in marriage your spouse will learn who you are anyway. Men always believe that the woman will never change. Women always reverse in marriage. Women always believe that a man changed for them. Actually, men always go right back to themselves in marriage.

I would tell you that LOVE is to put your flaws on the table, your standards of what you want in the future in the open. I would tell the the present is the moment. The moment will change. Once you’re stuck in the same house, living under the same roof with nowhere to run – you will have a reputation to protect. I would tell if you if a LOVER can’t accept you for all that you are – FORGET THEM. Just kick them to the curb – better now than later. I would tell you that all these people in your past that played with your emotions, broke you down, broke your heart, or hurt you were a true gift. They taught you how to heal and become a better version of yourself to attract better. Don’t win against them by replacing them. Win against them by being okay with being alone.

I would tell you that until you’ve loved yourself alone. You can’t really give into a relationship what you haven’t already given to yourself. What many people do is jump into stuff, and pray that things stay the same, or get better. In the end their husband is having an affair. In the end their wife is spending all their money. Now they gotta tell the world they’re happy. In reality they’re crying tears behind fake smiles trying to get by hiding their true feelings in – so that their spouse stays by them so they can see another anniversary for the world but not for each-other. They know and feel it their hearts that there is no way out and nobody would understand. They fear happiness. They fear to be judged in a world that stereotypes, and expects them to stay together for religion or whatever.

I would tell you don’t wait until it’s too late to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable before you make that proposal. Be vulnerable before you say yes to that beautiful ring. Make sure that you know in tough times you can still bond because when a honeymoon is over ; there will be tough times.

I would tell you that love is a friendship, and that your lover should never ever be your best friend. Best friends snoop. Best friends quarrel. Best friends compete. Best friends act like alphas. Your lover should only be your friend. You have sisters to vent to. You have brothers to go out with. Friends can be honest and talk through the hard days, and the trials. In marriage there needs to be a balance – some type of harmony.

I would tell you that love is to forgive. If you meet somebody who is vulnerable and your friend – there is nothing you can’t grow through together. Love is to support each-other through the worst days, and to create memories and love each-other through the best days. I would tell you that the best people to marry are the ones who have taken responsibility for their actions before getting married. The ones who can admit their fall in each of their past relationships. If they can’t do that, and they’re still blaming their past. They haven’t matured and in the end you will find out their true colours anyway.

So go out and LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve to find eternal joy and a love that fulfills you not just on the outside, but on the inside too. There is somebody for everyone, but we must put the work into ourselves before we can become attracted to it and attract it from somebody else.

Moving Forwards

A beautiful pink journal covered in sparkles. A pink pen with the word: “DREAM” in bold letters. I got all these ambitions. I’m thinking of colourful rainbows. I’m trying to be motivated. Rainbows bring hope on cloudy days. I’m melting like ice in silence. Isolated from my friends. Depression from the anxiety. I got the blues.

My life is a sad movie. It’s something like the scene at the Rising Climax. I just want to scream to feel better. I need comfort food ; perhaps maybe ice-cream? A tear is falling from my eye. I take my finger and wipe it. I want to hide it. I want to cry. I’m writing another sad letter to say goodbye. I know I wrote one before. I still need closure.

It seems like pain is my best friend. Here I go again.

“Dear Anonymous, 

 You and me both know why were not friends anymore, and it’s not because of me. It’s because of you. Don’t be mad at me because you don’t know how to drop your arrogance other than for the stage.” 

Here I go again casting the blame. I thought I was better than that. Now I look insane. Why won’t he admit he hurt me? Why won’t I admit I need my space to breathe and haven’t healed? The stubbornness inside the both of us.

I continue venting out-loud with my pen in my notebook.

 ”I tried to help you. You took my kindness for weakness. You took me for granted. You’re the one person I had the most respect for. You value the stage more than you do friendship. I value friendship more than I value the stage.” 

Why do I want to get my point across to him so bad? He’s not staying up late at night crying over me, the way I’m staying up late at night crying over him. I can even see my white hairs popping out of nowhere. This is stress. This is anxiety. I need positivity.

*Deep Breaths* 

I know all about meditation. I know all about finding a new hobby. I’m still determined to fix this friendship clearly in all the wrong ways.

I continue journaling.

“I did everything I could to help you be happy. The truth is you don’t want to be happy. Don’t you ever read between the lines?” 

I want him to see how much love I have for him ; instead he wants to see me as somebody who hates him. Everything is so scattered. Why are we so competitive? Why can’t we just find harmony? Empathy? Understanding? Why is forgiveness so difficult?

I guess were both broken. I guess were both somewhat damaged. I guess this friendship really is toxic. Maybe I miss the memories? Maybe I miss him? Maybe it’s my ego that’s bruised? Maybe it’s my heart that’s broken?

Is this my bad karma for something?

I love LeAnn Rimes.

She was such a succesful country singer at a young age. She ruined her career by marrying the man she had an affair with. I love her voice. It’s so pure and angelic. I’m listening to her music.

I’m listening to: “Life Goes On,” and some of the lyrics go like this: “Shame on you if you fool once, shame on me if you fool me twice.” I can feel the emotions in her voice when she sings it. I can feel the story in her song several times in my life especially right now. What’s with me and these destructive patterns?

All her music is relatable. She’s always been one of those singers I can listen to when I’m going through something. It’s so painful that the ones you love the most are often the first to hurt you. They become the ones you have to learn to live without.

I want to be strong. I want to stop these tears from falling. I’ve held my tears in for much too long. I’ve felt the feeling of numbness. I wanted to believe in the power of grace and mercy. I lie to myself that people deserve third, fourth, and fifth chances. The harder I try – the more their true colours show. It’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. Everything you thought you knew – in the end you know nothing. The friend you bonded with on such a deep level is now a stranger.

I’m think I’m over the hurt. I think I’m over the anger. I think I’m over the resentment. Now I just want closure. The tears I’m finally crying aren’t even tears of hurt. They’re tears of being too overly loving, too overly caring. I tried too hard. I was patient too long. They aren’t even fighting tears. They’re tears of I know this is goodbye for real. The situations become too painful to re-open. It’s like you try to give somebody 100 and they pretty much give you zero.

I gotta close that chapter and open the next one. I’d be lying if I said I knew where to begin. In our head we always know what we need. Our heart is always telling us something else. It’s hard getting used to change. I feel the feeling of fear. I feel the fear of success. I always wonder how people push past it. I reflect so many chapters in my life and I tell myself:

“You can do this! Just focus. So many others have done it before you. Stop running backwards to people who only want power over you. Run forwards to people who see your potential.”

I forget sometimes why I’m doing it. These goals! All the sacrifices that nobody sees, but you know that it’s the path worth it. As much as people say: “No Regrets!” I never really trusted those type of people. They say it because they never really looked in a mirror at themselves.

Here I am looking at myself in the mirror a girl filled with broken chapters knowing it’s time to transform them. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all had regrets. It’s through owning up to them that we heal them, and change ourselves into better people. I blame myself for certain situations in my life that didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve. I often wear my opinions. I’m aware the way it makes people portray me.

They’re sometimes intimidated by me. They sometimes confuse me with snobby. I’m so used to criticism. I learned to see the good in everyone. I don’t always share my pain. I believe more in sharing my happiness. I share my advice so others don’t end up with the same sad sob stories I once ended up with.

I always find it truly beautiful when in the midst of darkness. You meet people who are humble on the inside ; rather than just look successful and charismatic on the outside. Somebody who doesn’t do compassion or kindness for recognition or rewards. They just do it SIMPLY from the goodness of their hearts. Life always gives us a million reasons to crumble. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes we learn. Hopefully we grow.

I tend to value meaningful friendships and meaningful relationships more than anything. Friendships and relationships where people are open and honest even when it hurts. I know I’m not perfect, so I don’t understand how some people see me as perfect. I don’t like friends who enable me and make me look like a fool. I want them to tell me where I go wrong in situations because if they can’t. I have no idea what I need to fix in myself. I know I have things to fix. I love friends who help me become the woman GOD called me to be. I think that type of sincerity is so lost in this culture.

Loyalty and devotion is so hard to find. People who see your potential and give you tough constructive criticism to help you grow into the best version of yourself. Those are the people we must hold on to with everything that we have. There are many who will only use us for their own gain as long as we live in their dreams and not in our own.

I guess that’s why I’m still fighting for his friendship because I remember how it was when I didn’t understand what true friendship was. People grow at their own pace and sometimes that’s a hard concept to accept.

Struggling With Faith

I go into my solitude sometimes. I get down on my knees and I fold my hands together. I close my eyes. I meditate and I start saying my prayers.

“Dear Lord,

I’ve strayed far from you. I know you are a God of Grace. I know you are a God of Mercy. I know you are a God of forgiveness. I know you are a God of love. Please forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday. Please have mercy on me for all my imperfections. Please grow me into a person who lives accordingly to your will. Please give me courage. Please give me strength. Please give me hope to face tomorrow. I just want to be the best person I can can be. In Jesus name AMEN.”

I open my eyes and I read over my poem that I keep with me through all hard times. Through every heartache, and every heartbreak.

Tele-phone-ing Jesus

by, Irene

I’m just sitting here at home.

Silently, I’m all alone.

Waiting by my phone. You got me waiting by my phone.

You got me checking. You got me checking my missed calls.

You got me counting. You got me counting our downfalls.

I keep on checking. I keep on checking my in-box.

I keep on texting. I keep on texting your in-box.

I keep on focusing, trying to distract myself with school.

Player, don’t you know – you got me looking like a fool?

You got me calling – wondering why you haven’t answered mine.

You got me stalling – asking did our love run outta time?

 Here I am still chasing ; all this time you have me wasting.

All this time I spent forgiving ; now it’s time for me to start living.

Time is up – it’s time for you to go.

All your act was only show.

All this time you had me thinking

My life just slowly sinking.

My life just fading slowly away.

My dreams wishing for one more yesterday.

Player, don’t you know? It’s time for you to go.

Yesterday, I picked up my phone.

I was attempting to dial your phone.

Someone answered ; it wasn’t you.

He told me he understood what I was going through.

All that time I spent knocking, knocking on your door.

All that time I spent begging, begging for more.

This man told me he was doing for me, what I was doing for you.

This man told me he was doing for you, what I was doing for you.

Now I don’t need to cry no more tears.

Now I don’t need to have no more fears.

Now I don’t need to feel alone.

With love, and protection, he’s filled my home.

All I need to say is THANK-YOU JESUS.

All I need to say is I LOVE YOU JESUS.

So now I’m praying for you instead.

No more troubles running through my head.

Now like an angel – I’m going to shine.

It was JESUS on the other line!

 

I had to find forgiveness for you because I knew the way Jesus always found forgiveness for me. I was raised in the church but I’ve always felt driven away by them – no matter which one. As a child I went – it was easy to memorize every verse in the bible. I’m very good at memorizing. It was easy to do good works. I have no problem doing the motions. It was easy to pay attention to the sermons, and show up every SUNDAY. My heart wasn’t in it.

Growing up in a religious home – I’ve read the bible probably more than most people. I’ve listened to it. It’s all my father ever played in his house on his surround sound speakers. I just often found it boring. I found it an obligation. I often found myself more confused than blessed by it.

Every church I go to seems to say they’re the only right church with the only true doctrine. Every single church I’ve gone to – I found something that doesn’t make sense. I prayed on it. I read on it. I did daily devotions. I was still confused. Pastors and Leaders in the church often act like they save people. They treat parishioners as if they have power over their congregations and that the parishioners should make an idol out of them like a God or a Celebrity figure.

Pastors can preach the bible to the best of their knowledge, but nobody understands it 100%. In the end it’s GOD who opens our eyes as we read through it and he gives us knowledge about who he is. Hopefully through doing our daily devotions we will come to know him and Christ as our personal lord and saviour. In the end it’s GOD who decides. God knows who is standing for him and who is standing against him.

The churches I went to always drove me away, and that’s when I didn’t have standards any-more. I didn’t have fake morals to lead my life. They worked for a bit ; eventually the discipline the church had on me wasn’t working any-more.

I was only doing the motions. My heart wasn’t in it. Baptism didn’t purify me – it was only a symbol. The church shouldn’t be able to have that kind of control over us and our lives. We should be able to live a CHRISTLIKE life without the church watching us 24/7. I believe when the church isn’t around us ; that’s when we know what our desire for JESUS really is.

I know I myself have messed up so much in my life. There was a time I hated GOD so much and I asked him: “Lord if you really exist – Why is my life so miserable?” I rejected his presence in my life completely. I became atheist, and that way I didn’t have standards to live by. This lifestyle I started to live made temptation more accessible and more acceptable.

I pushed my family away when I needed them the most. I was so miserable, so unhappy. There were days I was overwhelmed with depression. Life was a lot to bare, and I didn’t want to deal with it any-more. I wanted to escape.

Even in church I felt I couldn’t go to the people in there. They didn’t make me feel worthy of being there. I’m not the type of person who continues on in a place where I feel unwelcome and unwanted.

So WHAT DID I DO? I did the next normal thing people do. I surrounded myself by people who were like me and were willing to listen without judging me. I became my own worst enemy caught up in all the peer pressure. I found myself attracted to drama and attracted to pain. I was having pre-marital sex with men who didn’t love me. I became a handful to deal with. I was always in tears and I always felt like a victim.

I tried to be strong and hide my tears. I hid my pain in void fillers and empty relationships. I didn’t want to be anybody’s burden. I felt alone and depressed. The more I left GOD. The more I lived it. The more acceptable it became.

Society accepted it, so I guess it was okay (at the time.) I felt like the people I surrounded myself with were the only people listening to me. I felt like they were the only people who cared. I felt better like I had friends but they weren’t real friends. I couldn’t talk to them about anything because I didn’t want to be the center of anybody’s gossip.  I know how people could use prayer as gossip.

I know I haven’t always lived the best life. I know I’ve made my own set of mistakes I’m not proud of. I know how hard I tried to be nice to everyone, but the truth is, a real friend never is. A real friend tells us the truth, and tells us stuff we need to hear, not stuff we want to hear. That I wasn’t. Those are the kind of people we often push away.

Those are the same people who look out for us through the toughest times. I thank my family every day for that! They never been fake with me. At the same time sometimes being a friend is showing people tough love, and sometimes we have to let people make mistakes so that they can learn to appreciate life more. We need to be ignorant and just pray for them and let GOD do the rest.

I’ve had to overcome a lot of depression in my faith journey. I’m not perfect, but I’ve come a long way from where I was. I know everything that GOD puts us through is for a reason. God will never put us through something we can’t handle. God tests us in many different ways. Somehow, we always seem to fail God’s tests. God always knows what he’s doing even if we don’t.

I’ve learned that life is never easy for anyone. I think sometimes GOD makes our lives so miserable to see how far we will go to stand by him or stand against him. Sometimes our lives are unhappy and God puts us through things because he wants to know if were willing to stand strong in the test he has for us.

God wants to know we will never quit on him. We may preach stuff and we may teach stuff. When god comes to test us he will test us to the end of our limits to see if our faith, trust, hope, belief, and strength is really in him. At the end of the day we need to learn to have faith in the one who created us, and that he will always pull us through it.

Disobedience to GOD will only lead to more misery. No matter how bad our struggles are. We need to have the desire to do what’s right, and GOD is a loving GOD. Once we put our faith in him – he will guide our path and maybe he will bless our life, and by our example help to bless someone else’s life as well.

God is an amazing GOD full of grace, love and compassion once you understand him.

Writing Is Therapy

 

Reflecting back to the past.

I’m sixteen years old in history class. I’m sitting at my desk bored out of mind. My classmates are all talking about Shindler’s List. It’s some type of class discussion. I’m not paying attention. I’m off in my own world day-dreaming. I open my notebook. It’s a blank page. I act like I’m jotting down notes from today’s lessons. I start doodling stars all over my binder. I look at the clock. Time is going by so slow.

I take my pen. I’m scribbling down verses. I’m trying to master poetry. I have no clue what I’m even trying to do. I’m just exhausted. I want class to be over. I’m doodling words as if I’m trying to free verse a rap song. I wish I was a genius like the rapper Eminem. He’s the picture on my locker. He’s my inspiration to get through life. I love listening to Pink’s music. She’s my favourite singer. Their music makes me feel less alone.

I put my emotions into how I feel about myself. I hold back the tears. I write down words. I cross them out. I do this repeatedly. I finally look down at my paper to this:

Failure

I never pictured my life this way.

I guess it’s true what they say.

Failures always fall.

I blame myself for it all.

All the misery. All the strife.

All the problems that entered my life.

I wanted to do what was right.

I wanted to fight the fight.

I guess I’m too weak to get inspired.

I guess all my plans just backfired.

My life is too insane.

I’ve caused myself pain.

Inside all I feel is shame.

Is it really me who is to blame? 

I tried so hard to gain satisfaction.

I guess I’m taking the wrong action.

I can no longer hide.

I cried and I cried.

I’m no longer strong.

Somewhere I went wrong.

I can’t turn back the clock.

I have to just admit I’m in shock.

I’m a failure. I’m a failure.

I wish I could change.”

I read it over and over again. I hand my paper over to my best friend who sits behind me. She reads it and she says: “Wow, you’re really good at writing.”

I think she’s just being nice because she’s an honour roll student, and I seem to only get D’s. She stayed my friend despite what I was going through because she always let me express myself to her through poetry.

History class is finally over, and were on to English class. Were all supposed to do a speech. The whole class has their speeches prepared but me. I didn’t even know what I was going to speak on. I had not done my home-work. I listened to my class-mates as they all did their speeches. I started to feel afraid. I had nothing.

My friend still sat behind me in the class. I looked at her “I didn’t do my home-work! What do I talk about?”

She said “How do you have nothing? You’ve written a million poems. Use one of them.”

The other students finished, and fear got the best of me. I was nervous.

I heard the teacher “Irene, It’s your turn to do your speech.”

“I have nothing,” I said.

“Do you want me to give you zero? Just get up and speak.” The teacher said.

I looked over my pages. I looked over my marking sheet that the teacher needed to use to mark me. I walked up to the front. I starred at the class in front of me. I was not intelligent in any of their eyes. The only class-mate who believed in me was the honour roll student who stood by me in all hard times.

I stuttered.

“Are you ready?” the teacher asked.

I froze.

“I can’t do this,” I said. I was about to go back to my seat and accept my zero.

“Just make something up. I don’t want to fail you.” the teacher said.

“Okay…” I replied.

I thought about all the poems I had written. I started my speech. I don’t remember what I said exactly but I do remember the basis of my speech.

It went something like this:

“You all look at me. You see a girl who is a failure. I know how it feels to have no friends and nobody to talk to. I may look like I have friends when I skip school. I am really just running from the pain. I’m a victim of rape. It’s hard to wake up every day knowing that nobody understands the things in life you have to heal from.”

I felt the energy in the room and I carried on. I think I brought my class and my teacher to tears and then I just closed. I looked up.

The teacher said, “Irene, come here.” I said, “Okay.”

She said, “After that speech you need a hug.”

Class finished. Everyone went for lunch. The teacher said: “Irene, can you please stay after class?”

I said, “Sure.”

I stayed after class and she opened her marking book. She said, “When you’re here you have 90’s. All these absences are why I have to give you zero’s. You deserve an A in this class. How can I help you get that in the future?”

I said, “I don’t know.”

She said, “I’m going to take a leap of faith, and I’m going to pass you. Go get the A’s you deserve.”

I often kept many journals throughout high-school. It was therapy for me. I didn’t make anything out of it. I didn’t even think about a writing career. I just saw writing as my best friend when I didn’t have a friend.

I always thought I needed to be a doctor with a PHD once I graduated high school to be anybody in the world. I focused on everything that I couldn’t do when preparing for my future instead of on the things I could do.

I always felt like I had to live beneath other people, and I was never good enough. I was constantly treated like a failure and a lost cause. Nobody ever saw the battles I was fighting. I was so good at being outwardly strong.

I often thought about why people want to write. Some people want to write because they enjoyed English in school. I myself enjoyed: “Drama Class.” I remember the days I said:

“I’m going to grow up and become an actress.”

That dream failed. I often let fear run the course of my life. I often fell in love with pain.

It was that teacher in grade 10 who left the biggest mark on me. I went on to grade 11 and 12 and got the marks she said I was capable of. I worked so hard for them. I really struggled through Shakespeare. I had to work ten times harder than everyone else just to understand it. I didn’t even understand it when we watched the movies. I somehow got A’s in my grade 11 and 12 essays. I was shocked when I started getting them.

I remember a question on one of my papers. It said:

“What did you struggle with well studying Shakespeare?”

I remember writing:

“I didn’t understand it. I had to study it a lot.”

I remember the teacher writing:

“I had no clue you had that much trouble with it.”

I look back to my old pieces sometimes to see how much I’ve grown. It amazes me. It’s a process to progress. I wrote this after finally succeeding at Shakespeare.

Shakespeare:

It’s just another reminder of why you’re not here.

Lear’s blindness like that of a fool.

Breaking and breaking his own rule.

Cordelia’s grace shining through like that of an angel.

Yet the closeness makes them all face betrayal.

The plays never end happy.

They just remind you of your own misery.

Shakespeare’s always got a way of making humans face their flaws.

Cutting us up like a tiger with sharp claws.

Even if you’ve only made one mistake.

You learn to accept everyone around you is fake.

Look at Lear, his own daughters turned on him.

Left him out in the storm, where the light was dim.

Goneril and Regan were just cruel.

Made Lear realize royalty is corrupt, and now he’s a fool.

He had to go through sorrow, lost hope for tomorrow.

Went mad, denial, rage, and isolation,

in sending Cordelia away, he faced such devastation.

He was lost without her, like I feel lost without you.

But to my heart, I must be true…

I’m going to get over you…It’s what I need to do.

All the hurt makes people become someone else.

I know I’m hurting but I still want to be myself.

Not like Lear….instead I’m going to cry my tear.

What happened to the world of fun, so much work undone.

Just like in all Shakespeare’s plays, nobody won!!

He teaches us about death,

forgiveness, and rebellion, because today we could take our last breath.

In shakespeares plays someone always has to die…

Sometimes I ask myself WHY?

It means another teardrop, another cry…

The saddest word in life becomes GOODBYE!!

You eventually realize you’re all alone,

Facing this world on your own..

Do you become a stranger? Do you become stronger?

When you feel you’ve lost and can’t carry on any longer?

How do you go from reaching the bottom, to finding your way to the top?

It’s like you’ve hit a red light, the worlds telling you STOP.

Shakespeare makes you see reality.

It lets you know this world is not a fantasy.

It lets you know people decieve…

No matter how much blessings you think you recieve.

It shows you your best friend might be your enemy…

The truth it makes you see…

Shakespeare makes me face the truth and why you’re not here.

It makes me realize I’m living in fear!!!

I think my Shakespeare poem has a lot to do with the process we all go through when were trying to fight for our writing dreams or any dream that people claim is impossible. No matter how many people tell me:

“Irene, you’re a great writer.”

There are several other people who tell me:

“You’ll never make it!”

There are so many people who’ve told me to write a book. There are so many others who told me it’s a far-fetched dream. Each time I started the dream. I was criticized. I was told:

“Come help me over here or come help me over there.”

I became a background girl who taught all my friends in leadership positions how to shine by all the books I read from “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” by Robert T. Kiyosaki to “Think and Grow Rich,” by Napolean Hill. I gave people tips that I learned in the books and all I remained was a servant girl. They basically got successful and left me to drown once their life went forwards and mine went backwards. They had post secondary degrees, and I didn’t.

I was reminded that I was just the girl in high-school that was constantly treated like a failure. I learned the same people you help are always the same people who betray you and hurt you. Once they climb up the success ladder. They’re too ashamed to say they knew you. I felt the hate. It was real.

I remember taking all my years of journals and my notes and throwing them out. I never wanted to look at them again. I told myself:

“Maybe they’re right? I’m a nobody and I’m a nothing. I’m a lost cause. Look at them. Look at me.”

I knew I didn’t have the image to gain the respect that they did and nobody would ever believe me I was the girl who helped them. I knew I was just a girl with an image full of failures, imperfections, and mistakes. I gave these people power over me. I gave these people power over my life. I gave these people power over everything about me. I lived in my weaknesses and I failed to see my strengths.

I passed up opportunities. I gave into other peoples dreams and I forgot about mine. I made my dreams so impossible for me to reach. I held on to that thought that I need to be a doctor. We all know doctors are highly respected and so they should be. That drained my energy to exhaustion. I became a perfectionist of sorts.

I didn’t see it coming again when I tried so hard to get life right and my world started crumbling a part because I wasn’t happy. I was making everybody else happy but myself. You can only keep up with the facade for so long.

The day finally came when I took my power back and I said:

“I’m going to do this.”

A lot of my friends I once knew started to hate me. I felt like a rope being tugged into my future but pulled back into my past. Do you know how it feels to feel like you’re that rope? You want to please the crowd but you know the crowd ain’t ever had your back like you always had theirs.

I think all those let downs in my life. I think all that rejection in my life. I think it all made me want to write even more.

Find A New Approach

Everyone expects to live to be one hundred years old. Everyone wants to be the one to make it to one hundred years old. What do we do with our lives until we make it to the big one hundred? Many of us won’t make it to the big one hundred, but we all dream that we will.

Everyone spends their free time searching for true friends, true love, or true success. Is any of it realistic? Is any of it fulfilling? What’s the long term goal? What’s the purpose? In our youth we search for true friendships we hope will last a life-time. In our young adulthood we search for our soul-mate, and we hope we’ll find a fairytale. When dreams let us down – we begin the journey of searching for success.

The world could be a lonely place sometimes and we could hit rock-bottom other times ; as we watch our dreams fade away. It can leave u crushed, scattered, and heartbroken. Life can be confusing when we haven’t figured out our identity yet, and were trying to find our place in the world. Self-Discovery. We meet brokenness after brokenness. Failures after failures. We think there’s no way up from the pit. The truth is there’s always a way up and a way out.

Were just afraid because of the big “F” word called: FEAR. Were used to our comfort zone, and we don’t want to leave it. The unknown scares us. Were afraid to let go of things and people we’ve become attached to. The happy ending is often right in front of us, but were so afraid to take the risk to find it. We constantly run back to pain and what we know because it’s where we feel most at ease. Hurt cycle after hurt cycle. We stay looking for the problems in everybody else. We forget to fix the patterns within ourselves.

All failure requires is a new approach until you find the right approach. Instead of try a new approach. We quit. This is the way we’ve trained our mind. We need to learn to re-train our mind to accept that all things are possible with effort. We often forget to accept it’s okay to be different. We often forget to ask ourselves: What do we really want as the long-term goal?

In life if we just learned to focus on the long-term goal instead of the right now. We’d make it. Most of us want the right now. We don’t want to put in the work to have the long term goal. Change scares us. Understandable. We often don’t have the same friends we did ten years a go. We often don’t have the same lovers we did in our early 20’s. When we were young – we would date for fun. As we mature ; we date for stability. In the end sometimes nothing works out for us. Life isn’t planned. We don’t control what happens tomorrow. We do however control what we do today in order to bring in the results tomorrow. It all starts with our habits. If life isn’t going the way you want it to. Don’t try to change others. Look for the things in yourself you need to find a new approach to and change your habits. In the end growth is what produces results.

 

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