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Why I’m Single

I’m tired of explaining to people why I’m single. I’m single because I had a poor taste in men. I chose men I thought I could fix rather than men who were right for me. I wasn’t confident in myself yet. I was selfish and I didn’t know how to forgive. I thought about myself and not about the fact that it was my decision to date broken men. I dated men who broke me down with them. I take full responsibility for my choices. It takes two to tango.

I am single because I continued on in those destructive patterns until I turned my life back to God. I am no longer in a place of hurt, resentment, or frustration towards the past I can’t change.

I’m more in a place of forgiveness and compassion because I understand how much God has intervened in my life, and how much people in my past still need him to intervene in theirs. I feel that I often wanted to live Godly with Ungodly men, and it never worked out. In the end I would compromise myself, and they would not understand me. We’d clash until we’d break up. It took forgiving myself for my choices to forgive those who hurt me in them. In the end – I made those choices.

I made a choice to love men I knew weren’t ready for love. I made the choice to set a bad example of what love is to those who look up to me and follow me. I failed so many people with my choices in my past. I still rather get up from my falls in life humbly.

I also failed myself.

Today, I’m single because I learned what LOVE is, and I don’t covet anybody else’s definition of love. I understand that we all have our own authentic story to find, to hold, and to blossom. It’s up to GOD who I end up with.

I’m single because I have other priorities and the best form of healing is not looking for love but looking for yourself and who you’re in GOD. I truly believe that when were obedient to GOD first. He comes to bless us with his promises we never saw coming. Looking for love can sometimes just be lust. However, when you do the right things to be loyal to yourself well you’re single – you eventually attract into your life exactly what you are.

We often settle in love because we won’t change ourselves. I learned that and I changed that in myself. If you attract the wrong type of love to you – there is something in you that’s attracting it. I learned that LOVE isn’t the end goal.

We often fall in love with the idea of a person or the idea of love. We forget to fall in love with the person as a whole. We forget to comprehend love as a whole.

Love is an ingredient that GOD decides to give us when he decides were ready for it. Before GOD gives us a YES… we need to learn to accept his NO.

I would rather be with a husband I can allow to feel special than be with a husband who wonders constantly if I’m still in love with my ex. Once I realized that – it became so important to me to learn how to self-love. You can’t give in love love that you haven’t already given to yourself. Broken people break each-other into destructive love patterns.

I’m single because I believe that marriage is truly sacred, and I don’t want to experiment with it for a piece of paper that means nothing except for in Facebook pictures to look like a power couple. I want love that’s real and true.

Patience is a virtue. Blessings come to those who wait!

There are many good people that I might find myself attracted to. Just because somebody appears good doesn’t mean they’re good for me. We can make all the lists in the world on what a good man or a good woman is. In the end it has to fit with who we are and the goals we have in our future.

In the end our mind and heart will still go to war and one of them will always win out. I hope that I end up married to a man my father taught me to look for because the values that are instilled into us are the ones we should carry because our parents always want what’s best for us.

What Is Love?

“Sometimes you have to be cold to be honest in order to stay firm in your morals. People might not always like the harsh truth, but I wouldn’t be true to myself and to others if I just kept watching without speaking up. It’s called sincerity.

You have to look out for those who you see as family. Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they hate you. My father always told me: “If you know you meant well in your heart. God will take care of the rest. You just make sure you do your part. The truth will reveal itself in time.” 

That was a note I wrote in my journal after a bad break up with a man I spent much time with.

I woke up this morning and I asked myself a question we all ponder from time to time. I asked myself: “What is Love?” Is it what we see in the movies? It is the advice of our parents? Is it how we feel when were with somebody special? I like to create myself this illusion that TRUE LOVE is when you can spend 100 years together like the song: “Hundred More Years,” by singer and songwriter Francesca Battistelli. This is a song that melts my heart and makes me believe in happy endings.

These days I more or less listen to Ed Sheeran and his song “Perfect,” as well as his song “Thinking Out Loud.” I think of meeting my husband well we dance to it at our wedding for our first dance. Oh how it lights up my heart with false hope, but it keeps me hopeful for a happy ending. Artists are truly a gift to us creating fantasy in our empty and broken hearts that we long to share with somebody but sometimes fear takes over and so do other peoples opinions.

People say: “Look at that couple over there. They got it so right.” Behind closed doors that couple fights every day. People say: “Love is to be to be like that couple.” The couple they look at in admiration secretly wishes they never got married. They’re just playing a role manipulating and controlling people and their partners to save the image. People say: “I want that love.” They turn a blind eye to the fact that that love is a facade. A facade to keep power, status, friendship, and careers. It’s a love ruled by ego. It’s a love ruled by pride.

People say LOVE is a place to search for happiness, and some type of fairy-tale ending. People say love is a place to put your guard up. They often create a list of a soul-mate that is unattainable. People say that LOVE is to control your partner and to demand perfection. They often just want to tell their friends / family how perfect you are meanwhile behind closed doors they’re crying so many tears because they can’t add up to you or their ideal list.

People say LOVE is to deserve MR. and Mrs. right – whatever is that? People say love is to find a connection, and somebody that you’re compatible with. They say that you must go on a romantic date and all the stars must align sort of similar to astrology. People say that love is those butterflies you feel in your stomach that offer intense feelings. People say that love is sex to show loyalty and that that’s the only person you’re with because you desire them.

These same people never ever even discusses the future. They just lived in the present, and then the future changed. People chase all types of love languages, and always leave more empty than before. Often times people stay in inward misery playing a role for a marriage just to get praise from others, meanwhile feeling negatively about themselves and making their partners feel negative about themselves.

They even say that love is lying just to protect your partners feelings by speaking only positive things to your spouse or significant other but avoiding true honesty and true intimacy. Every single day we wake up this is the love the world wants us to live up to and find. This is the love were taught to change through things like social media and magazines. It’s almost like they teach women it’s important to be skinny or to have a big booty because those are the models that are put on covers to show beauty. Anything else – we are made to believe that something is wrong with us. Were targeted and body shamed.

When we have standards and want authentic love ; were put down. Were called everything that were not and our vulnerabilities are preyed upon. Our past is brought up. Our flaws are no longer hidden. They’re out in the open and were made to believe that were not lovable and nobody would ever want us.

I could take all those bricks that have been thrown at me over the years. I could take all that advice that I never found genuine too. I could cry me a river. I could play me a victim card. I could settle and do what they tell me to do with my heart. I choose instead to search to GOD for all the answers to life’s mystery and find my own philosophy. I choose to take the hurt, the heartache, the betrayal, and the rejection. It strengthens me into becoming the best version of myself. It is all of this facing of my own demons and conquering them that gives me strength to overcome, to stand-still, and to heal.

When you know and understand that there is a higher power who looks out for you. You don’t need to do like everybody else – not even everybody else in the church. If something doesn’t feel right to me and my conscience. I know it’s not from GOD, and I let it go – so what is LOVE?

To many I’m not qualified to answer such a question due to their perceptions on how they want to live their life. I haven given enough logical reasons why I think they’re not qualified to answer the question despite the fact they often hide behind miserable marriages for years faking happiness that makes them look like they are qualified. To me wanting to live their life is misery too. Misery loves company because it supports poor choices that people have settled in and want to be accepted for. Dare to DREAM BIGGER? Dare to WANT MORE?

The bible definition of love says that Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is LONG-SUFFERING. Love keeps no record of wrongs. You can find the rest in 1 Corinthians 13. I think we all know that verse whether we are christian or not. It is the verse that shows us how Jesus loved us that we desire to live up to but can’t. Jesus is God ; therefore he is perfect. We are only human, and imperfect. I don’t think any of us can ever live up to this standard of love. Were emotional. We have bad experiences in our lives. We’ve all made mistakes. We all need forgiveness. So what’s love?

I ask myself that all the time because I hear all the definitions of others, but they pretty much use the word and throw it around. They throw it around to pretend to be loyal, and to create broken hearts not just to others, but also to themselves. They often lead each-other down heart-breaking paths.

Paths where lies are what begin to keep them together, and then one day they catch each-other and wonder what happened. Fights, quarrels, and escalated circumstances. In reality things went wrong since day one due to polished up pretty paintings. Never the truth. The fights often go like this: ” You cheated on me.” or “You lied to me.” Sex is often in place so it’s easy to know their partners weaknesses enough to turn each story into some white lie version of a story that’s believable. Again in the name of protecting their partners feelings to keep the spark seeming real. I have seen even praised pastors live double lives in all the years I’ve spent in churches. Sad truth. Somehow we look up to these things as love and covet them.

For the answer to what love is – I have no answer. Only lessons learnt in heartache. Lessons taught in betrayal. Lessons taught through resentment. Lesson taught through forgiveness.  The 20 year old me would tell you all those things I mentioned were love. The 20 year old me would fight to save every last marriage in the name of the fairy-tale so that I could believe in the magic of the false personas.

The me now has seen so much of reality. I’m so over it – so over the bullshit. Reality ain’t beautiful. Love is what you make it. Love is how you see yourself. That’s my philosophy. The man or the woman you’re on the inside is always going to shine through on the outside. If you see love for the superficial things such as other peoples outside pictures – you will attract the same superficial love that you’re attracted to. It’s a nice painting on the outside. When it’s you and your lover – it’s one ugly story behind closed doors.

In the end were all like magnets, and we attract back to ourselves exactly what we are. Like attracts to like. If you’re attracting those things that create hurt cycles and heartache – there is something inside of you that you need to heal that makes you feel unworthy of the love you feel you deserve. That’s why even though you find a project in a man or a woman to fix – you’re unable to fix them because the person you haven’t began to fix is yourself.

You can’t change anybody else. You can only fix yourself and fix your attractions to find the right love for you. That’s the harsh reality of why so many are broken and do not find a happy ending in love. Yes, even those who are married with spouses they lack communication skills with and try out counselling multiple times that never seems to fix anything and eventually the counselor says: “Get Divorced. Be happy.”

There’s a reason I take my time because I saw all the pride in my elders. I observed beneath the surface before I ever even dared look at the surface. Many times I was hated for being true to myself, made up, and all the rest. I still stayed true to myself anyway.

Last but not least. If I were to give you my final conclusion on Love. I would tell you that LOVE is to be yourself because in marriage your spouse will learn who you are anyway. Men always believe that the woman will never change. Women always reverse in marriage. Women always believe that a man changed for them. Actually, men always go right back to themselves in marriage.

I would tell you that LOVE is to put your flaws on the table, your standards of what you want in the future in the open. I would tell the the present is the moment. The moment will change. Once you’re stuck in the same house, living under the same roof with nowhere to run – you will have a reputation to protect. I would tell if you if a LOVER can’t accept you for all that you are – FORGET THEM. Just kick them to the curb – better now than later. I would tell you that all these people in your past that played with your emotions, broke you down, broke your heart, or hurt you were a true gift. They taught you how to heal and become a better version of yourself to attract better. Don’t win against them by replacing them. Win against them by being okay with being alone.

I would tell you that until you’ve loved yourself alone. You can’t really give into a relationship what you haven’t already given to yourself. What many people do is jump into stuff, and pray that things stay the same, or get better. In the end their husband is having an affair. In the end their wife is spending all their money. Now they gotta tell the world they’re happy. In reality they’re crying tears behind fake smiles trying to get by hiding their true feelings in – so that their spouse stays by them so they can see another anniversary for the world but not for each-other. They know and feel it their hearts that there is no way out and nobody would understand. They fear happiness. They fear to be judged in a world that stereotypes, and expects them to stay together for religion or whatever.

I would tell you don’t wait until it’s too late to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable before you make that proposal. Be vulnerable before you say yes to that beautiful ring. Make sure that you know in tough times you can still bond because when a honeymoon is over ; there will be tough times.

I would tell you that love is a friendship, and that your lover should never ever be your best friend. Best friends snoop. Best friends quarrel. Best friends compete. Best friends act like alphas. Your lover should only be your friend. You have sisters to vent to. You have brothers to go out with. Friends can be honest and talk through the hard days, and the trials. In marriage there needs to be a balance – some type of harmony.

I would tell you that love is to forgive. If you meet somebody who is vulnerable and your friend – there is nothing you can’t grow through together. Love is to support each-other through the worst days, and to create memories and love each-other through the best days. I would tell you that the best people to marry are the ones who have taken responsibility for their actions before getting married. The ones who can admit their fall in each of their past relationships. If they can’t do that, and they’re still blaming their past. They haven’t matured and in the end you will find out their true colours anyway.

So go out and LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve to find eternal joy and a love that fulfills you not just on the outside, but on the inside too. There is somebody for everyone, but we must put the work into ourselves before we can become attracted to it and attract it from somebody else.

Before A Messy Break-Up

 

Do you ever have that intuitive feeling that you need to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your significant other? 

I felt like that. I really wanted to know if my boyfriend loved me. At the same time – I also wanted to dump him. I needed affection. I needed attention. He wasn’t giving me any. He was getting on my last nerves. He gave me a painful feeling in my chest that he was cheating on me.

 I made excuses for him.

“It’s probably just my insecurities again.

“I’m probably giving him a headache.”

“He probably just needs space.”

“He probably just needs to breathe.”

I wanted to put the conversation on hold. I wanted to save the moments for as long as I could. I also knew I couldn’t do it any-more. I was so used to heartache. I was so used to heartbreak.

I thought to myself:

“…Maybe I’m making him pay the price for every man that broke my heart? …Maybe I just have trust issues?

I knew I couldn’t delay the conversation any longer. I needed to find clarity. I no longer felt the butterflies I used to feel when we started dating.

I reminded myself…

“I’m just addicted to him.

“The reason I’m not leaving him is because he has become familiar to me.”

“He is my comfort zone.”

“I think I need his strength. I think I need his comfort.”

“I don’t need him.”

Questions constantly ran through my head:

“Why do I love this man?”

“Why do I want to stay with him? He does nothing for me.”

“I’m not growing as a woman by being with him.”

“Where are we headed?”

“Is this even a committed relationship?”

The last date we went on went like this:

Him: “Come over.”

Me: (I came over.)

We watched a boring show and I don’t even remember what it was called. I watched him play video games the whole time we were together. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I felt lonely. I felt at a loss for words. I felt empty.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just playing a game.” he replied.

The game went on for hours and hours as I just lied there watching him. He completely ignored me. It’s like something bothered him he wasn’t willing to tell me. It’s like he had another female in the picture.

I know how all the other females act fighting for their man trying to show him that they’re the best catch. I just felt like this man was wasting my precious time. I didn’t even know what I did wrong, and I didn’t even want to ask. The connection was not there.

I felt like a side piece of French Fries ordered off the menu. I felt like I was there for his own conscious, not because he wanted me there. I no longer felt special as I used to.

“Am I selfish?”

The fights in my head. I often felt guilt-tripped into staying with a man just because of how much time I had devoted into the man. In the end staying out of obligation only teaches a man to treat you like a doormat, and I felt like his doormat.

As much I loved him. I knew this was a pattern I did not want to repeat.

“If I’m not the only girl in your life, just let me walk away.” I said holding back the tears. I wasn’t going to let him see my cry.

It was in that moment of brokenness – I realized I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship. I understood how it felt to not want to lose yourself to somebody else. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him. I left him because I did. He never saw it that way, and he put up walls around me. Walls he expected me to break down and prove my love for him.

 I’ve learned that men need their ego’s fed tremendously.

Why I choose Celibacy?

Why I choose Celibacy?

I feel like an outcast as I walk into a crowded room filled with people from all different walks of life. I can feel the tears wanting to fall. I run to the bathroom and I look at myself in the mirror. I tell myself: “You’re so ugly! You’re not beautiful enough for anybody.” I put on a mask as I take out my concealer from my purse and cover up all the acne on my face. I take out my eyeliner and I put it on hoping it hides the pain in my eyes and brings out a glow instead. I just want to feel attractive and put on a glowing smile. I hope nobody notices the pain that I’m feeling. I just got dumped by the man I considered my future husband. I guess he was just potential.

The break-up I invested so much of my time into. It has caused me to become so insecure. I feel like I’m so incapable of love. My vulnerabilities in the moment are moving right a long side my fears. This negativity I keep feeding myself is clouding all my perceptions. I want that happily ever after, and I want it today. Why is everybody around me ten times happier than me? Here I am coveting what they have. I need to fill that empty void within myself. I’m so weak.

I walk back into the room. It’s elegant like a dining hall. My eyes search the room as I observe my comfort zone in it. I feel like I’m reading: “Where’s Waldo?” – only I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m not looking for what I need. I’m looking for comfort to fill this empty hole. There must be at least one hundred people here. Were all at the same black tie event. It’s a gala. We all look stunning.

There he is Mr. Dapper. I can’t help myself, but to freeze up, hesitate, and melt as he walks towards me. He’s the man everybody considers attractive. He’s quite popular. He’s quite charming.

“Why is even coming towards me?”

I ignore him because I’m timid. I ignore him because I’m shy. He’s chosen me out as a good girl. Somebody easily approachable.

He walks up to me: “Hi,” he says as he shows his beautiful white teeth well his face turns red as he blushes.

“Hi,” I reply as I begin to play with my earrings unconsciously. Next thing I know my hands are fixated on my hair as I brush my hands through them. I’m attracted to him like a magnet. I’m trying to doll myself up hoping that he sees me as the perfection I see him as.

It’s like we mirror this dance in the art of attraction. We get to talking and before I know it he got me wrapped up in the palm of his hands. I only want him and nobody else. He was a hunter and I was his prey.

I don’t even know him other than blissful attraction and that all the ladies want him, and I’m the one he chose to give his attention to.

I never stopped to ask myself:

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

“Is he married?”

“Who is he behind this facade?”

I’m so infatuated I don’t even care because whatever problems he has. I convince myself I will always be enough to fix him. This leads me into a lustful infatuating relationship where I enjoy so much intimacy with him.

Eventually, he craves something more. I feel like I’m being used but because I already gave up my body to him. I feel like he’s cheating on me. I never even made sure there was a commitment before committing my heart to his desires.

The destructive pattern. The hurtful cycle. Why do I constantly repeat it?

Before I know it. I’m dumped again.

“Am I ugly?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“I gave him everything.”

“What does she have that I don’t?”

All these things I keep telling myself. I just need to feel validated. The wars I go through in my mind as I look for ways to compete with the other women to keep his heart and eyes fixated on me. I’m not being honest with myself. I’m trying to lie to myself I’m in love with him and he’s in love with me.

Is this a cycle that you keep repeating in your love life?

We say we want love. The truth is in order to find love the first person we have to fall in love with is ourselves. Self Love. We skip the whole self reflection process of valueing ourselves for who we truly are in all of our authenticity. Due to it we attract lovers who see us the way we see ourselves. We can’t change somebody else. We can only be the person they want to change for.

I eventually had to ask myself: “What was I doing chasing all these shallow definitions of love speaking so much negativity into existence?”

I was setting myself up for failure, for heartbreak. I was feeding my ego. I wasn’t feeding my soul. I had to learn to value myself enough to look at a man with all the status in the world and know I was worth more than being second best to him because a man who really loves you is going to do whatever it takes to keep you.

That’s when I discovered how valuable celibacy is. Too often we jump into dating based on those feelings of butterflies we get when were attracted to somebody. We forget to check if they’re good for us and who we are. We don’t even talk about what life is going be like when we finally combine our lives together. We just think we’ll deal with it when it comes. It eventually comes and when it comes ; were often disappointed because it often goes opposite of what we had in mind.

I think celibacy is so useful because it doesn’t cloud someone’s character for you as you’re getting to know them. It shows the preview of what marriage would look like with them. Can it be done? Of course it can. It’s all about the love you’re looking for and how much work you’re willing to put into yourself to attract the same lover that you are to yourself. Celibacy is a commitment to oneself. There is a lover out there who will respect you for exactly who you are and all your beliefs but if you don’t put in the actions behind those beliefs. You will end up with the same lovers selling the fantasy you are instead of the reality of who you are.

I believe everyone deserves respect and a healthy ending especially in love. What are you willing to change today in yourself to find that love and stop those destructive patterns in your life? Some people do indeed choose to be celibate.

 

Meditate and Reach For The Stars

 

Is this you?

You had a long day full of worries. You had a long day full of chaos. It’s now night time. You feel resentful and disappointed the way your life has turned out. You just broke up with your lover? You just got laid off from your job? You have no idea how to turn it around. The universe is showing the negative side of life and you feel cursed. You’re overwhelmed with thoughts. Fears consume you. Anxiety runs you.

You say to yourself: “What’s going to happen tomorrow?” or “Can I just get through the week?” You feel that you’re a failure. This is the energy you start bringing to the world and people start to avoid you.

You isolate yourself into solitude, and do all the things to forget the imperfections going on in your life. Dysfunction becomes your normal. You try to make yourself happy in all the ways you can. You then take a walk as the moon is shining, and the stars light up the mid-night sky with beautiful colours. You remember movies like: “The Lion King!!!” You ask yourself: “Do I have what it takes to conquer the battle of the life I’m living in?”  You tell yourself all the reasons you’re not good enough. You feel worthless like Simba did due to his uncle Scar. You start to believe it and it becomes your direction in life.

However, we all know how THE LION KING ended so in the end SIMBA became KING. What if there was a way you could change the attittude of negativity in your life? Your behaviour that attracts the negativity to your life? What if there was another approach? Would you do it? Stop telling yourself that dreams don’t come true, and happy endings only happen in the movies. Find the reason in yourself that’s stopping you from reaching for the stars. I know each and every last one of you has a vision of this person you desire to be or you see the successful person you think you can’t be.

It starts with meditation. It starts with visualizing. It starts with goal settling. Find a way to meditate and relax yourself so that you can live in today, and consistently work your way up each stair-case. Life is like a staircase. You don’t get to the top over night, but when you climb each one carefully and fall in love with the journey. You find your way to success when you don’t see it coming. Keep on meditating. Keep on going. Chase your dreams.

Fixing Your Broken Heart

 

A broken heart can send you into TWO DIRECTIONS.

#1. It can send you into a place you’re spiraling out of control and making bad decisions.

#2. It can send you into heartache that transforms into a healing and growth process.

Has your heart ever been shattered this way? Did you feel strongly towards a woman you saw as your Cinderella? Did you feel so attached to a man you saw as your Prince Charming? Did life let you down in this dream called LOVE? Maybe you were the Knight in Shining Armour? Maybe you were the Damsel in Distress the Knight came to rescue? You and your  significant other planned this happily ever after together. It was happy and then one day it wasn’t.

FAIRYTALES ONLY LAST FOR SO LONG.

The honeymoon phase is over. The moment is gone. In the same strike as lightening reality happens.  Faster than you had come prepared. Did you ever reach this point in your love life? Did you ever feel it was time to give up on love? How did you pick up the pieces? How did you start over?

You might of just went through a break up. You might of just went through a divorce. You might be going through a separation. You might feel that you have nowhere to turn and that nobody understands what you could be going through. You have nobody to listen and nobody to hear you.

Every-time you reach out to a friend. They don’t want to hear the drama in your life. They just want to take you out and cheer you up. They don’t respect your feelings nor do they respect your broken heart. On the other note – maybe you’d rather not be a burden. I’m not sure your situation.

What I am sure is that healing takes time and nobody can tell you how long you need to heal. Do what you need to do to heal that broken heart and make it whole again. Everybody heals differently. You might see yourself as weak but the truth is you’re strong because you have a heart that knew how to love.

Imagine the world and how many people are together that don’t really want to be together. You were strong enough to face the world alone. You were strong enough to take the tears and walk your own path into your: CALLING.

I find when life offers you a broken heart. It also offers you a CHOICE. It offers you a choice to work through the pain until you find where you belong or to run backwards and repeat your bad patterns. In the end everything that happens will be a result of that choice.

You’re here and you’re beautiful. What is it you really want to do with your life? Why aren’t you focusing more on that? The truth is love will come and love will go but your gifts are forever. When you learn to fall in love with your passion before you fall in love with a person. You end up with the right person in the long run instead of the person who doesn’t understand you in the temporary. It’s good to love but it’s better to be loved back.

Don’t ever tell yourself that you’re not worth it. Don’t ever sell yourself short. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

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