A Girl Falling For A Married Man (How Do Marital Affairs Happen?:Pt.2)
It’s finally February and Valentine’s day is just around the corner.
I’m here with Lasagne cooking in the oven. I like to make all my food home-made. I sometimes like to put brocolli in it. I think I’ll whip up a garden salad with that too.
“Where is my salad dressing?” I search for it in the fridge.
I need some garlic bread. I tend to like my soups. I’ll have some pea-soup.
I need the perfect table cloth. I need to light some candles. I need to put flowers in the middle in a vase.
“Why am I cooking like I’m cooking for two?” I ponder to myself, “I don’t even have a man.”
I guess I’m practiscing to be a house-wife someday.
“Where is my jar of water? Where is my glass of orange juice?” I get that ready.
The table is complete. I need my dessert. I need my cheesecake too for decorations sakes.
I look at the table I’ve just set and I’m sad because I’m flying solo. Everyone around me is happily married or in a long term commitment. My subconscious starts going off at me.
“I have so much love to give. Why is it never enough for a man?”
“Are my standards too high?”
“Are my standards unrealistic?”
Questions I ask myself. Questions that run through my brain on a daily basis.
Let me go ahead and google: “How to keep a man?“
“If people knew I do this. They’d probably think I was wierd.”
I stop and I read. I stress myself out.
“I should go and do all the things on the list -Shouldn’t I?”
“Maybe the next man will actually stay?”
“No, Don’t do it! You’ll make yourself miserable. It’s settling for second best.”
Oh the wars in my head. My love and my heart. My empathy and my impatience.
I’m not really sure if I hate this holiday due to past experiences and always being cheated on. I’m not sure if I’m just afraid of love and I always seem to let it pass me by. I’m not sure if I’m so whole I spent so much time working on myself that I expect way too much from men these days. Oh the perfectionism I strive for. Oh the comparisons I make with myself beside others. The insecurities it often brings out in me that I often brush under the rug. I live in denial of my insecurities although I have so many.
I remember being in relationships and although I was often lied to and believed I was the girlfriend. I’d often catch my man cheating and feel like all those side-chicks had it better. I felt like I was just there for appearance sake. I was so naive to all of it.
Do you know what it’s like to be dragged by a string?
The feeling of: He doesn’t want you, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either?
I just wanted a saviour. I just wanted a hero.
Everytime Valentine’s Day comes around the corner. I feel a little bit of anxiety. I watch all these women get nice gifts from their man. I watch them take pictures and post them on social media. I would be lying to say I don’t get a little envious sometimes.
“What do they do to deserve that?”
“How come when I treat a man like heaven? He treats me like a competition instead?”
I often feel that dating a man on such a holiday is depression waiting to happen. I often tell myself:
“Run before you get hurt.”
“The man has expectations.”
“I don’t want to wake up feeling hungover.”
“I don’t want to make love to a man who is only going to turn around and make war.”
Oh the complications. I just want to feel secure in my relationship when I’m in one. I just want to feel protected. I need loyalty. I need devotion. I think I deserve so much, but nobody sees it. They only see how hard I am to reach. Why is that?
Is this you?
Have you been there?
Can you relate?
I feel like it’s a holiday that either makes or breaks you as a couple.
I remember being younger saying:
“I’m going to save my first kiss for marriage.”
“I’m never going to put out until I meet a soul-mate.”
I remember how purity was everything to me. I was raised in the bible after all. I never saw myself as the type of female who would break up a home or tear a part a relationship. I always saw myself as someone who had standards and would never fall for a man my daddy didn’t approve of.
I think it’s so important for a man to ask his future wife’s father for his blessing to propose.
“What happened to traditional ways?”
I live in a generation that’s made me clouded into conventional ways. The girl I was once has faded into heartache and heartbreak. I tried to save all the wrong men. I tried to kiss all the wrong frogs. Insecurities and vulnerabilities. Somewhere in the midst of it all. I became my own worst enemy.
“Where is Prince Charming?”
I lost myself in the perspectives of those men who gave me negative experiences. I allowed them to let me become a woman I hate. It happens to the best of us.
It was there in my weakness he came for me. Oh how handsome he was. It was the moment I looked in his eyes. I felt like he connected to my soul. He was everything I knew to run from. First of all I thought he was happily married. It’s like the more I ran. The more he hunted for me. Next thing I know I found myself feeling pity for his marriage.
I tuned out the wife. I tuned out his life. All I saw was how attracted he was towards me, and how magnetic the chemistry felt. At first I just wanted a friendship. At first I just wanted to save his marriage. I thought if I saved it – I could be free from him. Oh the innocence. Oh the denial.
The more emotionally invested I got into him. The more I realized he was a man who got married in a short time frame to a woman he barely knew. It was like I felt bad for him in every aspect of his life. I knew I wasn’t the settling type and here was a man who settled. Every day I wanted to hug him. Every day I was attracted to his brokenness not realizing I was attracted to it because I myself was broken.
Oh what a mess. Oh what a triangle. I got jealous of any woman that went near him even his wife. I was getting so close to having him and I felt like it was love. I felt so free to be myself with him. The truth is he was only showing me his best sides. His wife was hurting over his antics.
I started realizing I was losing my morality to him. This love started turned into resentment. I wasn’t angry at him. I was angry at myself because I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I stood for. I was willing to give it up for this man.
One day I told him:
“You’re just a married man trying to make me love you.”
Everything backfired. The escalation process started. Thankfully. I never did get into his bed at the end of the day. He felt so rejected. He was so afraid of getting caught. I wasn’t willing to play the game anymore.
He turned on me like I probably deserved. The day he did. I saw all the other females that were in love with him. Oh how it shattered my heart. Oh how it broke me to pieces. Oh how I felt for his wife because if I had won him. I would be living her life, and that was not a life I wanted.
I cried and I cried.
I realized I was broken and he gave me some sense of comfort. I knew his comfort wasn’t true security. It wasn’t true love. It was all lust.
I prayed and I said:
“God, I need you now. I need forgiveness. Thank-you God for protecting me from the biggest mistake of my life. This breaks my heart, but you spared my soul. Teach me to be a woman who empowers other women to stand strong when tests come. Teach me to not be weak like that again. The situation breaks me down, but I know you lift me up.”
I felt betrayed by so many people, but the truth is I betrayed myself going against my own standards for a man who knew how to talk. I tried to apologize to the wife for being in love with her husband. She wasn’t having it. That’s the day God transformed me from old to new.
I look back on my mistakes and I realize how much I have grown. It was in the failures that I learned. This wasn’t my proudest point. It’s also something I’d go through again, because it’s what matured me into the woman I continue to become. I know in the end I had those standards on myself for a reason. God will always help me to keep them because I’m worth so much more than society makes me feel sometimes and so are all of you. Keep pushing forwards into your dreams through all of the failures and all of the mistakes and all of the heartaches. You will make it. You will make it exactly where god wants you, and you will look back and realize your life is a beautiful testament.